tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71145801231277288302024-02-07T02:53:45.841-08:00Danielle Yells: Therapy, engagement, life.Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.comBlogger59125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-90309372026775598532015-08-27T11:29:00.000-07:002015-08-27T11:29:39.462-07:00Results of Gay Marriage<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i> <u>Gay marriage passed on Friday June 26th. It is now two months later and I have shocking news. I'm not married to a gay woman.</u></i></b></span></div>
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My marriage didn't dissolve. I didn't suddenly find myself attracted to women. The apocalypse didn't occur. The nation has not crumbled. Nobody spontaneously combusted. My husband didn't start frequenting gay bars and picking up men. He hasn't found himself disinterested in our marriage in favor of the company of men. In short, nothing changed.<br />
Here's what has happened. There are thousands of couples that, should they choose to pursue marriage, have the same rights I do. There are people that can sit at the bed side of their partner if they are injured or ill. People can distribute property upon their death appropriately. Mostly, people can finally be equal in the eyes of the law.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5Hcdgr1UCdt5w2wDnxIUVCuR8dXjjyB8dJQ1w-irFuGCXUNA1Tui9stjcg-WiQnGE8U7sjF9JePGHOAgBWhbAEJ-ENn4jTKaUEXeYyfLts62RqPLzD4ggoTbcBtRjzIW2GaaVbFXGivn0/s1600/Marriage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5Hcdgr1UCdt5w2wDnxIUVCuR8dXjjyB8dJQ1w-irFuGCXUNA1Tui9stjcg-WiQnGE8U7sjF9JePGHOAgBWhbAEJ-ENn4jTKaUEXeYyfLts62RqPLzD4ggoTbcBtRjzIW2GaaVbFXGivn0/s400/Marriage.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"> Second step? Convincing the churches to recognize these beautiful unions so that the faithful can have equal marriages. Good luck with that, religion.</span></b></div>
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Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-15689625745853208232015-04-07T14:57:00.001-07:002015-04-07T14:59:09.405-07:00Making Life, Making Friends: 5 Reasons Making Friends is Hard It has been almost a year since I've bothered to put anything here. I've been busy and I've been private. I've been an open book for so much of my life that I finally got far enough to need to close it. Recently, however, someone who means enough to me that I give their thoughts some weight suggested I write it out again. Which makes it really hard to decide where to start.<br />
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I think it has become apparent that I have a focus on relationships and how we deal with them, but how much can you actually say about it? So I have a weird way to approach it. The most important thing I think I've done since the last time I wrote is to get a dog. His name is Huxley Maddox and he is the closest thing to perfection that I've ever known.<br />
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He is handsome and smart and perfect and everything I could have hoped for in a companion. He is always here for me and always happy to be in my arms. He's protective (although bad at it), loving, and empathetic to a fault. He also likes napping, which allows me to do things like write this blog with him in my lap. Basically, he seems to be exactly what a younger me would have thought was perfect in a friend. Yet, I've grown as any healthy person should. I know that friends should not necessarily be so simple. </div>
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Being in a new city where I know exactly no one makes it hard to find and enjoy friends. Everyone I know is someone I've met through my husband's new job. Making friends on my own is hard, and I've tried to figure out why. I'm generally a friendly person. I'm nice and kind and do all that I can to be the kind of person that I would like to know. These are just some of the reasons I've found that it is difficult for me to make a true and lasting friendship.</div>
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<b>1. People are unpredictable.</b></div>
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Another lovely trait of human beings. They surprise you. Sometimes in a pleasant way, sometimes not so much. You can develop a relationship based mostly on what you give, and when it is time to reciprocate they may not be there. Or the opposite may happen. You may grow to know a person through the wonderful they do for you, but when it is time to help them they cannot accept your efforts.</div>
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<b>2. Common interests are hard to find.</b></div>
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This may be where my pretension comes out, but it can be very hard to find things in common with another person. Sure, we have simple hobbies and can connect on that level, but I'm used to connecting with people on a deeper and more intellectual level. This is hard when I now live in Tennessee and see people with staunchly different views. </div>
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<b>3. Commitment is hard to create.</b></div>
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I'm 26, nearly 27. At this age we have the commitments we've chosen to keep, for the most part. A husband, children, careers, etc. Adding something new into the mix is hard for anyone, myself included.</div>
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<b>4. I haven't settled down yet.</b></div>
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Yes, I'm married. Yes, I have a career. Yes, I've gotten my masters degree. Yes, I have a home to keep and things to take care of. All of these things are true, but <b><i>I'm not finished</i></b>. I have more to do in my life and I'm not ready to say I'm done, so my life will continue to change. When most other people are content in their lives it can be hard to keep up.</div>
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<b>5. People are not what we want them to be.</b> </div>
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This is not to say that people are not great. They are wonderful! Still, people cannot be expected to give you what you give them, or be what you'd like or expect.</div>
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These things being said, I will be making more of an effort to accommodate new people into my life. I am trying to put down roots here, and part of that will be making friends. </div>
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Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-73780319126861200472014-04-28T12:07:00.000-07:002014-04-28T12:07:36.553-07:00The Scariest Story I've Ever Lived<b><span style="color: #d5a6bd;"> I'm not one for story-type narration. It's never truly appealed to me. A while ago, however, I felt the need to. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #d5a6bd;"> To preface all of this, some of you know that I recently underwent surgery. Before that I'd been in a near constant pain for months, and the painkillers that I'd been prescribed really weren't even helping anymore. Things were pretty awful, but I wrote this gem a little bit before that point</span><span style="color: #d5a6bd; font-size: large;">. </span></b><br />
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-tab-span"></span> The happiest time in a young woman’s life, the months leading up to her wedding. She has visions of beauty. She can imagine the rest of her life starting on that day. She gets stressed, sure, but knows it will pass because she will become the misses to the man of her dreams. Life is changing in a good way and she can’t wait for what will come next.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-tab-span"></span> Then a pain. A pain deep inside of her. Like nothing she’s ever felt before. Her insides are tearing apart, they simply must be. Tylenol, Naproxen, Aspirin. Anything that she has. Nothing works. Nothing makes it go away. She’s afraid. This new, scary feeling with no discernible cause. What does does she do? The pain gets worse and she can’t move. She finds herself crying in bed. She tries holding her stomach, putting pressure on the area below her belly button, where it hurts the most. That hurts worse. This feeling, this strange new feeling, she has to find words for it. She has to be able to explain, but she can’t. She can only try to breathe between sobs.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-tab-span"></span> It’s a Saturday, so her doctor isn’t is in his office. Her fiancé walks in to find her this way. He’s scared; he’s never seen her like this before. He’s seen her dramatic tears, he’s seen her in emotional pain, he’s seen her stressed, he’s even seen her in very real physical pain, but never anything like this. He tries to find out what’s going on, what happened. He has to do something, she can’t do it for herself. He calls the hospital where her doctor is often on call and begs them to tell him what to do. Their answers are not incredibly satisfying, but they do get him in touch with the doctor. The doctor tries to rescue, getting pain medications sent to the pharmacy as soon as possible, and scheduling an ultrasound for that very week to see if something had gone wrong.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-tab-span"></span> The couple struggles through the next few days. He has to help her get out of bed and around the house. She didn’t cook, she didn’t clean, she didn’t do the laundry. She wasn’t who he knew she was. The entire time she was afraid. She had a feeling they wouldn’t find a thing and there would be no way to fix this. She felt like she was in a battle with her body and it was winning. She couldn’t understand why they couldn’t just work together. Still, she would wait. Her faith in the doctor would not falter. He was a good man, a smart man, and more than capable as a doctor.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-tab-span"></span> The ultrasound day comes. The couple struggles into the office. The good doctor does a simple exam to make sure there’s nothing that he can see or feel to explain this. His exam brings her to tears from the pain it causes. He finds nothing new. She gets dressed again, every movement causing pangs of pain, and goes across the hall to have the ultrasound. The probe hurts as well. It pushes and pinches in what feel like the worse possible places. She watches the screen, assuming that he’s done the same. She sees the images that she’s seen before, from having ovarian cysts. Uterus- normal. Right ovary- normal. Left ovary- can’t see it… there it is. Normal. Nothing unusual. Nothing out of the ordinary with the exception of the tears she’s holding back. Everything as she expected. Nothing that she wanted.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>She dresses again and they go back across the hall to meet with the doctor once again after he’s seen what she’s just seen- nothing. Waiting in the office she starts to cry. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">“I knew they find nothing. I knew we’d have no answers. I knew this would be a waste of time. Whatever this is, we don’t know. We have no idea what it is that’s taking away my life. No clue what’s making me feel such pain that I don’t know if I can keep going. What are we going to do?”</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">“Let’s wait for the doctor. He’ll have more information. We know he’s good, and he’ll be able to help us decide what we do next.” </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"> </span>He’s trying to be comforting in any way he can think of.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> The doctor comes in. He tells them what they know, there is no abnormality to be found here. They haven’t seen, felt, or heard anything that explains this. He does, however, have a theory. A theory he mentioned off the cuff months ago, but of course the couple never forgot it. Endometriosis. </span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;"> Endometriosis. A disease that has no cure. A disease that can only be diagnosed with surgery. A disease that can rob a woman of her fertility. For a twenty-five year old young lady with what is supposed to be her whole life in front of her that can shake everything she knew. Pain that could never go away, even with treatments. Damage inside that can make you unable to have children, create a family. Damage that might only stop when you have a hysterectomy, removing every chance at becoming a mother. Even then, let over cells can multiply if they haven’t been removed, and the damage that has already been done to your body and nerves can continue to cause pain even after every treatment option has been exhausted. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;"> The next step is discussed. Surgery, hormonal treatments, pelvic pain specialists, pain management. Her head is spinning. She can’t process this. She’s planning her wedding, getting ready to get married, having her fairy tale. This is like a second villain. Something standing in the way of the happiness she’s hoped for, the happiness he’s worked so hard for. She can barely understand what’s being said, so thankfully he takes the reigns.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">“What would you do if it was your wife?”<br /><br />
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">“I would see the specialist. I would have him give an opinion before we do surgery and put you two through that.” A simple an honest answer from the trusted doctor.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-tab-span"></span> An appointment is set up with the pelvic pain specialist, and measures taken in the mean time. Changing birth control for hormonal therapy, increasing dosages of other medications that have been shown to help some women with this kind of pain. Follow up appointments to keep everyone informed. The earliest appointment with the pain specialist is seven weeks away. They just have to make it seven weeks. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;"> That seven week point? It falls just seventeen days before their wedding. She will be meeting with bakers, florists, hairstylists, makeup artists, venue coordinators, seamstresses to make sure her dress fits between now and then. Or will she? They both remember that Saturday. The image of her writhing in pain, barely able to breathe is one that cannot leave their minds. How can she do all of these necessary things if that happens again? She’s strong, he knows it, but she doesn’t know if she’s that strong. The fear and the doubt fill them both, but they both try to keep strong faces. They have no choice but to go on.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><b><span style="color: #d5a6bd;">And that was it. For a long time. Now there's been specialists and surgery and hopefully hope for the future again. I'll be recovering for a while, and I'm sure I'll share more once I see the doctor again. When I wrote this no one could tell me what was happening, nobody could promise me that it would get better, but worst of all nobody could tell me if what I was feeling was "normal." It can be different for every woman, making it nearly impossible to find out if you're right or just crazy. </span></b></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><b><span style="color: #d5a6bd;">Through surgery they did find and endometriosis and remove it. I still don't know everything and I don't know if I will. Recovering from a "major" surgery drives me crazy with boredom. Once I have more information, and more specific information I plan to share what I can with whomever needs that information. Until then, I'm laid up for weeks! Laid up and bored. </span></b></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><b><span style="color: #d5a6bd;">Thanks everyone for your support, sorry if this is how you're finding out. I didn't want people to worry or it to become a big focus in the time before our wedding. Either way, thanks to everyone who has helped me so far. I can't even imagine how I would have gotten through without all of the support.</span><span style="color: #d5a6bd; font-size: large;"> </span></b></span></div>
Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-39558180756465310092014-04-07T19:09:00.000-07:002014-04-07T19:09:12.233-07:00Real Life It's been a while since I've written anything for this blog, but real life got in the way for a while. Since I last wrote I've gotten married, moved, made some major life decisions, and basically gone through a lot. It's been crazy and kept me busy, but that's real life.<br />
Life changes us and, if we're good enough, makes us grow. We learn about ourselves and others and can see things differently. I'm not saying that you wake up one day and decide that things are different, but if you never see the difference you're probably doing it wrong. This blog has been an amazing outlet for me to complain about absolute bullshit, and share some happier things. I can't think of something that would make me want to change a single entry, no matter how silly and trivial they might be. Even so, I think it might be time to let some more serious issues permeate this little vent. Each and every one of us has serious things going on every day, even if no one can see it, feel it, or hear it.<br />
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Today's interesting topic: Developing as an independent human being.<br />
We are all born into a life. We don't get to choose anything about it. We can't decide wether we will be born rich or poor, where we live, what color our skin is, how great our families are, what we'll look like... we get to make no decisions at that point. The dice roll and out comes a life.<br />
We don't get to start making decisions for ourselves for years. Maybe you chose your friends when you were first able to remember, but chances are they were friendships of proximity and convenience. I still remember watching the Spice Girls and playing Tomb Raider with one of my best friends as a little kid. She was awesome and her parents let her watch VH1, which I was never allowed to do. Her mom always had dinner on the table and her parents didn't fight in front of company. She was really tiny and had long brown hair (even though we haven't talked in years I'm pretty sure those things are still true). Her name was Kelley, and she lived just a few doors down from me. I may have chosen her as a friend out of other neighborhood kids, but our parents got along and she was close to my house, making play dates easy for everyone. Basically, I didn't really get to choose Kelley. She was there. That didn't make her any less cool to hang out with.<br />
When do you start making decisions for yourself? When you go to school? Maybe. Still, even in school you have your classes chosen for you until you're in high school. Your parents can fight for different classes or curriculum but you have no real level of control. By the time you start making decisions about your education most of us are already filled with the thoughts and values of our family of origin. Unless one of those values is independent thinking (something dangerous to instill in your kids) most of us will continue to do what we've always done and seen.<br />
After you turn 18? Some of us go to college, some of us go to work, some of us make some bad decisions and go to jail. Even those outcomes are seriously dependent on our family of origin. Maybe we love our families and want to stay with them forever, so we go to school or work close to them. This, kids, is how entire generations end up living in the same neighborhood forever. There isn't anything wrong with that as long as we learn somewhere along the way to make our own choices and see our world the way it actually is.<br />
Even once we gain independence from this family of origin we are very often still enmeshed with the people and places we came from. Most of us want our families to be proud of us, to care about us, and be there for us when we need them. These yearnings can cause us to tailor our decisions to what other people want rather than what we would truly like. Unfortunately there aren't many people who can be hands off and supportive, loving and separated. At a point most of us have to decide if we want the things that we've always had, the things that make us comfortable, or if we want to pursue our lives in the fashion we see fit.<br />
I hope that there is a way to strike a balance between these two things. It's a complicated dance that doesn't seem easy to learn or maintain. When you start to build the life you want you have to stay away from criticisms that aren't constructive. You've got to find faith in yourself and leave the doubts of others behind. We all have to figure out exactly what it is we want and filter out anything that would make that more difficult. Life is hard enough as it is, nobody needs naysayers following them the whole way.<br />
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At 25, with an MA, married, and about 700 miles between myself and my family of origin I still seek their approval and guidance, all while trying to live this life I'm building for myself and the family I'll have. I keep all of these things in mind and hope that I'll figure out the delicate dance to keep my family involved and happy while staying true to myself and the things I want out of life. It's complicated, but it's real life.<br />
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Also, hey look how married I am!</div>
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(Also real life.)</div>
<br />Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-28087508436964267422014-01-20T16:39:00.000-08:002014-01-20T16:39:11.151-08:00Oh Hello, 2014! This year has been rung in by myself and Chris with champagne at home. No big parties, no crowds, no loud noises and no pageantry. This might seem unfortunate to some women but to me it was simply perfect. Our year will be filled with visits to see friends. We will have our own party to celebrate our marriage. There will be time for all of that this year and I wanted to start it the way I will start every year to come- in the arms of the man I love.<br />
As expected things are moving quickly. Today marks 68 days to our wedding. Being so close is surprisingly more exciting than stressful. Chris has been the most wonderful fiance, helping me at every step of the way. With his help I'm sure that we will have everything exactly as we would like it.<br />
We've met and booked a photographer, have selected our baker, my dress should be here within the next two weeks. I've got everything to go with it. We've got everything we need except for a florist, transportation, gifts and "Chris Things." I can only refer to it that way, because they have clearly become things that are out of my control. Thankfully I have full faith that he will be able to do anything that I cannot.<br />
Outside of wedding things we've hit it off with another couple, and intend to go see them tonight. I've received a lovely gift from the pay it forward 2014 that my friend Erin helped me get into and started one of mine that will be going out. I'm slowly studying for the GREs so that I may be able to become Doctor Harris one day. I'm continuing in my personal therapy and making some progress, a huge relief since I've been at it for so very long. This week I've also gone on my first horse ride down here. I had a wonderful time and can't wait to go again!<br />
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I know I usually have a point to make or something to complain about, but in this case I just figured a little update for friends that probably won't be hearing too much from me over the next 68 days since we'll be doing wedding things all the time! Wish me luck everyone, I'm sure it will be hectic, and before I know it I'll be looking down an aisle at the end of March!<br />
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<br />Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-24948847244551897842013-12-03T15:07:00.000-08:002013-12-03T15:07:45.338-08:00Come with me, my love....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I've been in Georgia for a while now, and just like being anywhere would it's helping me grow into the person I will be. Too many people let their growth stagnate once they've reached adulthood or achieved certain milestones and that's something I promised myself I never would. As human beings we should never stop growing or changing. We have to adapt and develop while keeping the things we're pleased with even if we feel "complete" and quite frankly, I've never met a person who has been completely happy with themselves that's ended their development.<br />
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This one really isn't about me. It's about Chris. He's done some changing and some difficult staying the same. We came to Georgia to spend time with his family and be a part of it. We wanted to help his grandfather and do what we could to be a part of the life his family has here just like we did with my family. We both knew that this change would be difficult for me since I've had an irrational fear of anything below the Mason-Dixon line and have spent my whole life in the Philadelphia area with the exception of college, which I also spent in Pennsylvania.<br />
Chris, however, was ready for a change. Changing to be with his family made perfect sense. He has always had a deep seated care for his family, even from far away. This is a place that he's always felt like was his home. The place where he was born and the place he knew he could always come home to. So we came home for him.<br />
No matter what plans people make or how many different endings they can see things have a way of changing. Situations are rarely what we believe them to be when we see them. It is only when you're in these situations that you can see everything, experience everything, and make decisions about everything. It reminds me of a place I used to go often, a house on a hill across from a farm. This farm had fields and fields of whatever it was that they grew and a house that sat on top of the hill. I'd taken a photo of it to look at when I was away. The photograph couldn't capture the intricacy of the place's reality. Now I know this is true of almost everything.<br />
Without getting into too much detail, things here weren't exactly as they were portrayed to us before we came, or even when we first arrived. It has taken being here for some time to get a fuller picture. This new information comes with it's challenges. Reason dictates that we change our plans, goals, and objectives based on the new information we gain. There is only one problem with that reason. What if our original goals and objectives were to care for people that we care about? To become a part of what is, not change it to what we believe it could be? What if our main priority is simply to care about and learn about what has been in with a place or person so that we can take the things we have grown to love into ourselves so that we can carry them on to the rest of out lives? And what if the things we believed in were somehow threatened or endangered? What do we do then?<br />
Christopher has done an amazing job here. First with helping out in little ways that were appreciated, from cutting the grass to making sure the correct lights are on at night. He's grown in his own ways and that growth has helped him become a true man in the eyes of the man that he wanted to grow up to be. In becoming that man he's been able to become his friend as well. While this may seem small to so many it is so big. When you can become adult enough to transcend the relationship you've always known and valued and also become a friend to one of the most important people in your life you've reached a point that so many never do. I'd like to think that my mother and I developed into friends years ago, and knowing that I have her respect on that level with her being my model for adulthood means more than people can understand.<br />
Back from that tangent things here have changed a bit. It would be easy to abandon the goals and objectives that were originally held. This would be easier if it felt like no one around you held those same objectives, or had a pattern of behavior that seems easier than doing things the way we believe to be right. Even with this knowledge and the blatant behaviors of others my darling has remained strong in his conviction. He could have easily let go of his principles and gone with the flow of others. He could get up and leave whenever he pleased so that he doesn't have to witness events or behaviors that cause him discomfort, displeasure, or discontent. He could ignore the events around him and try to go on about his daily life, trying to keep it away while he worked towards the life goals that he's set out to achieve. All of this would be easier than continuing on, caring for people that we care about, becoming a part of what is, not change it to what we believe it could be, simply caring about and learning about what has been with a place or person so that we can take the things we have grown to love into ourselves so that we can carry them on to the rest of out lives.<br />
Chris carries on with these goals, with one addition: preservation. He continues to work towards the goals we've had and preserve the lifestyle and wellbeing of the people who have helped him become the man that he is, and will continue to be. The simple fact that he has been able to hold fast to the things that he cares for, and dedicate himself so fully, is absolutely heartwarming. It helps me to remember that I've chosen the man I will marry carefully, and for this I am grateful.<br />
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<br />Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-33810787556985167962013-10-30T16:12:00.000-07:002013-10-30T16:12:52.275-07:00Georgia On My Mind It's been 3 months since my last blog entry, and 3 months since I left the lovely greater Philadelphia area. A lot has changed but the important things stay the same. My lovely brother-in-law to be got a long story about my relationship with Chris last night, and part of it had to do with this blog. He was interested so I guess I'm inspired even though I've just been writing on paper lately. Lets just call this one an update blog.<br />
I got to Georgia without event. The two day trip wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and my lovely kitty made it just fine. Thankfully my mother was kind enough to get us a pet friendly hotel room to break up the trip. The first thing that Chris fed me once we were deep enough south was Krystal's. For anyone who doesn't know they make these little steamed hamburgers. I don't like them but they're one of Chris's favorites.<br />
Everyone here has been very sweet to me, making sure that I have anything that I need. They've been helpful and caring, aiding in my search for local doctors of all types. When I came here a large part of it was to help me work on myself and get as healthy (body and brain) as possible so that I could be back to 100% at home and eventually at work again. We have finally found what I think will be everything I need as far as doctors go.<br />
Chris and I have made massive wedding progress. We have decided that we'll be getting married in the chapel that his grandparents, the only couple we know that stayed together, were married in back in the 1940s. We settled on a very small guest list of family and very close friends. We found a lovely place for our reception across the state line in Chattanooga. We made a super cute save the date and sent them out to our tiny guest list. My mom came to visit in the middle of this month and we found my dress in Atlanta. We still need fairly little things like a baker, my hair and makeup stylist, a florist, and choosing the invitations. Chris has been so helpful with all of this that I'm not remotely worried about getting them done. If for some reason you want to see more about our super sweet wedding you can check out our site here: http://harrisandgaudioso.ourwedding.com/<br />
Chris's family is doing fairly well, although I'm pretty self absorbed between finding doctors, getting a staph infection, and trying to get my head in order. Fairly recently Chris's mom has gone to stay with her boyfriend and his brother has come to stay at his granddad's house like us. Its wonderful to have the chance to be around and really get to know his family, especially with how much time he spent with mine.<br />
Some people ask me how or why I came here. They don't understand how a person can quit their job, leave their home, be away from their family and everything they've ever known. It's really really simple. It's Chris's turn to be there for his family. He spent years with me in Pennsylvania while I finished my degree and established my career. He helped to create Christmas and was there for birthdays. He acted as a part of my family and showed them that he would be good to me for the rest of our lives. Now it's time for the roles to change and me to take on getting to know families and do what I can to support him and help out. I've become a firm believer in the concept of taking turns and supporting each other evenly. It helps to avoid resentment and give each other what they need.<br />
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Long story short, I'm glad that I decided to come here. The slower place of life is a nice change, leaving work and taking a break was necessary. If anybody isn't sure if they should take a leap like this I think I'd tell them they should.</div>
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Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-48076222911192796362013-07-30T10:43:00.000-07:002013-07-30T10:43:45.806-07:00Oh Darling My last post told a little fairy tale about a (generally) wintertime holiday. This little fairy tale takes some multicultural cues, and is going on right now...<br />
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I'm pretty much bedbound right now. It's junky. I pulled a muscle or something else super crappy packing yesterday, and I have to testify in court by phone today. Everyone cheer for a little subpoena. It hasn't really been a great couple of days what with leaving my job, preparing to leave my family, and preparing testimony that could change the course of some people's life. I don't like most of these things and find myself feeling irritable and easily upset simply because of the stressors. It's like a bonus period week!<br />
Some of you may not have heard yet, so I'll explain. Somewhat recently Chris and I have decided to move our life together to the lovely state of Georgia. Many things have gone into this decision, but I think it really boils down to the simple fact that for years we have been close to my family, Chris has spent his time being supportive while I finished my schooling and started a career, and now it's my turn to be the support. It's time that we get to spend time with his family and that I get to know them better. We will all be part of the same family some day soon, and it's time to act that way.<br />
I've left my job on good terms. They have been supportive and caring and if I would like to go back it will be an option. I put in a lot of work to be finished appropriately and one of the last things I had to do was testify for a court case that landed in my lap. My coworkers were mega sweet and got me an amazingly delicious cake. I seriously almost cried.<br />
Now I'm done with work and all of that, just packing and getting ready to go. Chris will be here Saturday to help me get all of my things and the animals there. I don't like living among boxes but it has to be done. Yesterday at some point (most likely when I lifted a box of books to stack up) I pulled something in my back and now it's incredibly painful and really really inconvenient when it comes to timing!<br />
No matter what it is that's going on it will be over(ish) soon. Chris Charming will be here to whisk me away on Saturday, and our life will move to Georgia. We'll do our best to make it work there and we'll do our best to be happy.<br />
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“The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget you.” Thanks Nicolas Sparks. Chris and I pass this one every time. Every time We're apart we miss each other more than anything else. We fight, we debate about important and not so important things, he makes me laugh and I try to do the same. That man can probably make me do anything he'd like because I love him so very much. </h1>
Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-66203297533530092852013-07-02T19:01:00.000-07:002013-07-02T19:01:02.394-07:00A Little Fairy Tale Once upon a time there was a group of people that came together due to a mutual interest in helping people. They came from different places, most hours and hours away, to engage in a program and learn more than they had before so that they could pursue careers that they anticipated loving. Each of these people ended up in this particular place, in this particular program, for various reasons, and those reasons are irrelevant for this particular fairy tale.<br />
Within this group smaller groups formed. The smaller groups were fluid and often able to come together, separate, swap members, swap back and generally get along. The larger group and the smaller groups were good spirited, generally happy, worked well together and the people within them somehow seemed to grow to care about one another very quickly. Their caring was shown frequently and genuinely. These people were in a field of caring, and they did seem to fit in.<br />
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This particular smaller group had grown close and studied together, cared for one another, and were reliable when it really counted. This group was made up of three girls and a boy; Nicole, Carla, Andrew and myself. The winter months came and this group had a sad matter brought to their attention. Hanukkah fell early that year, and made it so that Carla, who happened to be Jewish, would not be able to spend it with her family. Instead she would be spending the time of celebration studying, states away from her loving family. Andrew told Nicole and myself about the unfortunate timing of these events, so we had no option except to act. This little group had grown close for a reason, and the reason was that we already cared.<br />
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Andrew volunteered his apartment, Nicole her sneaky friend skills and her car, my mother food and a little bit of funding, and me some mediocre cooking skills and enthusiasm. While Carla prepared to spend these 8 nights of celebration alone, away from her family, knowing that they would be spending this time together while she did her best to learn, we went to work. The three of us snuck around behind Carla's back to learn everything we could about this very traditional holiday as quickly as we could to throw together a surprise to help one of our friends be just a little less homesick during a holiday we didn't necessarily understand.<br />
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In addition to bringing it to our attention and volunteering his apartment for this surprise, Andrew helped us by speaking with his family and friends to find traditional music and other common rituals that we might be able to pull off. He let me come over early to decorate his apartment somewhat sparsely (you have to remember that we were still poor college young adults) in the traditional colors and with Hanukkah decorations that my loving mother (who hadn't even met these people, I might add) found for us. I brought recipes that I found online, and hoped that Carla could help us with them since they seemed a little more complex than I was used to. Andrew also surprised me with a box of chocolates as a gift to my mother for helping us pull some of this together.<br />
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<span style="text-align: start;"> While Andrew and I scrambled to get this little party together, Nicole did her part. She picked up a somewhat saddened Carla for our scheduled study session. Carla had been putting on a brave face for us, but we all knew how sad we would have been if we had to miss Christmas with our families. Nicole and Andrew pulled off what may have been the most difficult part of this whole little plan, which was convincing Carla that she needed to come up to the apartment instead of just picking Andrew up. We worked together to bring a little light to the festival of lights that one of our friends held dear. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">At one point, Andrew even confiscated my phone.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3irbpq2wvpgyH-mTNKJ_a1Wrdx7zLiegQhskC7vFYI_x8TiGvRBgrpn8-rfTtNbF_ktam_Uuqos2i_mSyJCCKExOHMZy2PKiQjOEUDsytNV5WLy6BkG5klGD5zE5cwvuy-LFRbP5nsu_r/s604/16641_540071415513_4627797_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3irbpq2wvpgyH-mTNKJ_a1Wrdx7zLiegQhskC7vFYI_x8TiGvRBgrpn8-rfTtNbF_ktam_Uuqos2i_mSyJCCKExOHMZy2PKiQjOEUDsytNV5WLy6BkG5klGD5zE5cwvuy-LFRbP5nsu_r/s400/16641_540071415513_4627797_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"> Anyone who knows me knows that this was a dangerous move for him to try, but I let him keep it for a bit so that we all could dedicate our attention to our darling friend.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeXaJC6AJe3Vu3lXTIC1hlnE5-g7YhsC9xl6HPzszd0DsdxLjLsawcBZ9DAxfvNzbFVUcrsnunzfr-N9I_YP74HRFwP9OR7_bwJ7Znc0EPZhyphenhyphenzmfANMRSl-7rhFSaswWgz_XI6L3t2GeLj/s1600/16641_540071320703_1565767_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeXaJC6AJe3Vu3lXTIC1hlnE5-g7YhsC9xl6HPzszd0DsdxLjLsawcBZ9DAxfvNzbFVUcrsnunzfr-N9I_YP74HRFwP9OR7_bwJ7Znc0EPZhyphenhyphenzmfANMRSl-7rhFSaswWgz_XI6L3t2GeLj/s1600/16641_540071320703_1565767_n.jpg" /></a></div>
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It isn't time for Hanukkah again. I haven't even seen these people in over 2 years now, since I graduated. I don't even know what made me think of that darling evening that spread so much sweetness and caring between the four of us. This celebration was during our very first semester together. Following that a lot of things happened to push us closer together or pull us apart, but no matter what happens, I'll always remember my Hanukkah. </div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">The End.</span></div>
Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-26300504950544731322013-02-14T06:40:00.000-08:002013-02-14T07:02:56.680-08:00And you can see the daisies in her footsteps!<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> Young lovers across the world give each other mix tapes. It's phenomenon that we may never really understand. This Valentine's Day I thought I'd look over the first two tapes (CDs, but leave me the nostalgia or hipsterism of calling them tapes, please) I made for Chris. We're going to have to split them up, and honestly I should split them even further. This is just tape #1, and it's got 24 tracks, so buckle up your seat belts, grab some headphones, and laugh. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> Try to remember that I'd been way out of practice. Chris had not, he'd already given me at least one, maybe 3 by this point. I hadn't tried this for quite some time. Some of these songs have important lyrics, some of them have lyrics and explanations. You won't like all of them. So, with that in mind, lets give it a look?</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Song Number 1: Let It Be Sung, Jack Johnson</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/PHbjmtNDsZo?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></span></div>
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<span class="line line-s hover" id="line_5" style="background-attachment: scroll; background-image: none; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: repeat repeat; border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0;">"Why don't I just give you everything you'll take from me? </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0;">'Cuz nobody owns anything a</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0;">nd everyone is free.... </span></span></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_7" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0;">And I know what your heart is telling you, </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0;">'cuz my heart's telling me t</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0;">he same thing too."</span></span></span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This is adorable, and true. Things were complicated, but I was open at that point. I knew that Chris was different, special, and... well, I can't put words to it, but I knew it would stick.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Song #2 Here Comes Your Man</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/DwmlxysIxMI?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="text-align: center;">"There is a wait so long, </span><span style="text-align: center;">you'll never wait so long, </span><span style="text-align: center;">here comes your man."</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Screw you if you say I didn't wait for this man. I had a chance to take on full lives with other people, but I couldn't settle for something or someone I'd eventually hate. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Song #3 I Want To Know Your Plans, Say Anything</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/nZQmFClnuOM?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I shouldn't have to help anyone with this one...</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Song #4 Put Your Hands On Me, Joss Stone</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/YD21aoKYSso?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: x-small;"><span style="text-align: center;">"I guess I'm picky with love .</span><span style="text-align: center;">Well baby I give it up it's you I choose a</span><span style="text-align: center;">nd don't keep me waiting. </span><span style="text-align: center;">This girl's got things she needs to do. </span><span style="text-align: center;">Oh if I was blind, you'd help me see. </span></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0; font-size: x-small; text-align: center;">If I lost my mind, you'd find it for me.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0; font-size: x-small; text-align: center;"> </span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-size: x-small;"><span style="text-align: center;">Speak on it babe, tell me what do you need, b</span></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0; font-size: x-small; text-align: center;">ecause all I need is for you to love me baby....</span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="text-align: center;">Can't stop my mind from thinking of you. </span><span style="text-align: center;">How am I supposed to function? </span><span style="text-align: center;">Got me feelin' for your lips on my kiss a</span><span style="text-align: center;">ll night, never want no other lover."</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #a64d79;">Everyone's got a little modern soul, right? We all need some loving. ;)</span></span></span>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Song #5 She's So Lovely, Scouting for Girls</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/ET9IiBzrKBA?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;">"It's easy to tease me. You never ever look that pleased to see me. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know how we'll make it through this."</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Things were not always easy, but he kept grabbing my attention.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Song #6 Voice On Tape, Jenny Owen Youngs</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/i8veKosUCWs?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0;"><span style="line-height: 15.796875px;">"And you say that I don't have this down,</span><span style="line-height: 15.796875px;">but I've been practicing out loud.</span></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0; line-height: 15.796875px;">I want you back and forth</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0;">. </span></span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 15.796875px;">I want you up and down. </span><span style="line-height: 15.796875px;">I want you back and forth......"</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I wanted Chris however he was, no matter what. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Song #7 Addicted to Company, Paddy Casey</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/vb1SKx735RA?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0;">"And is there something you're not sure of? Are you looking for a sign? Waiting for somebody to throw your heart a line? Or a quick and easy answer In a dark, uneasy time?</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0;">Maybe that's alright. That's enough for tonight.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0;"> </span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0;">And that's alright. That's enough for tonight."</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #a64d79;">We didn't have to be serious right away, it was ok. But we were anyway.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Song #8 Aeroplane Over The Sea, Neutral Milk Hotel</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/W6H8WcTPnWM?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 17px;">And one day we will die</span><br style="line-height: 17px;" /><span style="line-height: 17px;">And our ashes will fly</span><br style="line-height: 17px;" /><span style="line-height: 17px;">From the aeroplane over the sea</span><br style="line-height: 17px;" /><span style="line-height: 17px;">But for now we are young</span><br style="line-height: 17px;" /><span style="line-height: 17px;">Let us lay in the sun</span><br style="line-height: 17px;" /><span style="line-height: 17px;">And count every beautiful thing we can see</span><br style="line-height: 17px;" /><span style="line-height: 17px;">Love to be</span><br style="line-height: 17px;" /><span style="line-height: 17px;">In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me</span><br style="line-height: 17px;" /><br style="line-height: 17px;" /><span style="line-height: 17px;">What a curious life</span><br style="line-height: 17px;" /><span style="line-height: 17px;">We have found here tonight</span><br style="line-height: 17px;" /><span style="line-height: 17px;">There is music that sounds from the street</span><br style="line-height: 17px;" /><span style="line-height: 17px;">There are lights in the clouds</span><br style="line-height: 17px;" /><span style="line-height: 17px;">Anna's ghost all around</span><br style="line-height: 17px;" /><span style="line-height: 17px;">Hear her voice as it's rolling and ringing through me</span><br style="line-height: 17px;" /><span style="line-height: 17px;">Soft and sweet</span><br style="line-height: 17px;" /><span style="line-height: 17px;">How the notes all bend and reach above the trees</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 17px;">Song #9 Everything, Michael Buble</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/SPUJIbXN0WY?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 17px;">"And you play it coy but it's kinda cute. </span><span style="line-height: 17px;">Ah, when you smile at me you know exactly what you do. </span><span style="line-height: 17px;">Baby don't pretend that you don't know it's true </span><span style="line-height: 17px;">'cause you can see it when I look at you.</span> <span style="line-height: 17px;">And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times </span><span style="line-height: 17px;">It's you, it's you, you make me sing."</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Chris loved my singing. I'd done an open mic before I gave him this awesome mix, and he said he wished he could be there. I wore something of his so that if I got nervous I could just squeeze, like I do with his hands.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Song #10 First Day of My Life, Bright Eyes</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="text-align: -webkit-center;">"Remember the time you drove all night j</span><span style="text-align: -webkit-center;">ust to meet me in the morning? </span><span style="text-align: -webkit-center;">And I thought it was strange you said everything changed. </span><span style="text-align: -webkit-center;">You felt as if you'd just woke up. </span><span style="text-align: -webkit-center;">And you said “this is the first day of my life. </span><span style="text-align: -webkit-center;">I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you, b</span><span style="text-align: -webkit-center;">ut now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you a</span><span style="text-align: -webkit-center;">nd I’d probably be happy.”</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="text-align: -webkit-center;"><span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This one's super legit. Things used to matter to me pretty much a lot. Money, jobs, house, all of it. Chris changed that. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; text-align: -webkit-center;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Song #11 Tell Me Again, Ron Sexsmith</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/HiBWVN-CGao?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">"You look into my eyes and the words you say h</span><span style="line-height: 18px;">elp me to realize love won’t ever fade, b</span><span style="line-height: 18px;">ut I can’t believe what I’m hearing. </span><span style="line-height: 18px;">Please tell me again. </span><span style="line-height: 18px;">No, I can’t believe what I’m feeling, p</span><span style="line-height: 18px;">lease tell me again."</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #a64d79; line-height: 18px;">This girl had just gotten out of a serious relationship and had no plans for a new one. It was scary, but comforting at the same time. It was love.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Song #12 Sunday Morning, Maroon 5</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">"Sunday morning, rain is falling. </span><span style="line-height: 20px;">Steal some covers, share some skin. </span><span style="line-height: 20px;">Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable, y</span><span style="line-height: 20px;">ou twist to fit the mold that I am in. B</span><span style="line-height: 20px;">ut things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do a</span><span style="line-height: 20px;">nd I would gladly hit the road, get up and go if I knew t</span><span style="line-height: 20px;">hat someday it would lead me back to you."</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But it doesn't always lead you back. I learned that and felt poorly about it for a little while. So there's no leaving this one... Not ever.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Song #13 F-Stop Blues, Jack Johnson</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="text-align: center;">"Look who's laughing now that you've wasted h</span><span style="text-align: center;">ow many years and you've barely even tasted a</span><span style="text-align: center;">nything remotely close to e</span><span style="text-align: center;">verything you've boasted about." </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Can we take a minute to appreciate this video? Love so much! In all seriousness. Chris had been in a long relationship. He even considered asking her to marry him at one point a long time ago. But he'd never lived life like he should have. I wanted to help, so we laughed together.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Song #14 Stupid Cupid, Mandy Moore </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/G6FQFiO31OU?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #c27ba0;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #c27ba0;"><span style="text-align: center;">"You mixed me up for good right from the very start. </span><span style="text-align: center;">Hey, go play Robin Hood, with somebody else's heart. </span></span><span style="text-align: center;">You've got me jumpin' like a crazy clown,</span><span style="text-align: center;"> </span><span style="color: #c27ba0;"><span style="text-align: center;">and I don't feature what you're putting down. </span></span><span style="text-align: center;">Since I kissed his loving lips of wine, </span><span style="text-align: center;">the thing that bothers me is that I like it fine.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="text-align: center;">Hey hey, set me free. </span><span style="text-align: center;">Stupid Cupid, stop picking on me."</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Yea, this thing hit hard and fast. I loved it, but sometimes I felt like I was too much in love, way too early. NOT FAIR!</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Song #15 Daydreamer, Adele</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><object class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="http://2.gvt0.com/vi/cKhw_Zbcdto/0.jpg" height="266" width="320"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/cKhw_Zbcdto&fs=1&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/cKhw_Zbcdto&fs=1&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="text-align: center;">"Is the subject of their talk. </span><span style="text-align: center;">He would be hard to chase b</span><span style="text-align: center;">ut good to catch, a</span><span style="text-align: center;">nd he could change the world w</span><span style="text-align: center;">ith his hands behind his back."</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><strike>Angie</strike> oh sorry, my ex best friend and I, used to talk about Chris and this other dude. All the time. At that point we both thought they could be that future one. Now I hear we're both marrying them, and I'm pleased. I'll have the rest of my life to see what changes to the world Chris can make. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Song #16 Porchrail, Jenny Owen Youngs</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">"Don't move or blink, I just need a minute to sit and think. I've got a span of attention as long as my teeth. Every urge I let swing me turns tragically brief. There's nothing more attractive than that one thing you just can't have." </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It wasn't for sure yet. We had a way to go before we were solid, and I'm like a time bomb. Turns out he's a bomb diffusion technician. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Song #17 Grey or Blue, Jaymay</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/nJ-Yn9dZDD0?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Let's enjoy this serendipidy moment. </span></span><br />
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<span class="line line-s" id="line_6" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0;">"Are you too nervous to be lovers, friendships ruined with just one kiss. </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0;">I watched you very closely I saw you look away y</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0;">our eyes are either gray or blue I'm never close enough to say. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0;">But your sweatshirt says it all with the hood over your face. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0;">I can't keep staring at your mouth without wondering how it tastes. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0;">I'm with another boy; he's asleep, I'm wide awake a</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0;">nd he tried to win my heart, but it's taken time...</span></span></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_13" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0;">I know the shape of your hands because I watch them when you talk, a</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0;">nd I know the shape of your body 'cause I watch it when you walk, a</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0;">nd I want to know it all but im giving you the lead. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0;">So go on, go on and take it, don't fake it"</span></span></span><span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Song #18 You're The Reason I Come Home, Ron Pope</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0;"><span style="text-align: center;">"The street's asleep so I breathe you in deep. </span></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0; text-align: center;">The tragedies of chemistry</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0; text-align: center;">. </span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0;"><span style="text-align: center;">People dream of what you and me have found effortlessly. </span></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0; text-align: center;">You're the reason I come home. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0; text-align: center;">You're the reason I come home my love. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0; text-align: center;">You're the reason that when everything I know falls apart. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0; text-align: center;">You're the reason I come home."</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It wasn't too long before we noticed that home was together. Now we try to be home as often as we can, no matter our geographical locations. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Song #19 Sugar Town, Zooey Deschenel</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><object class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="http://0.gvt0.com/vi/ZkcQwWZGh_g/0.jpg" height="266" width="320"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZkcQwWZGh_g&fs=1&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZkcQwWZGh_g&fs=1&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">"If I had a million dollars or ten, I'd give it to your world and then, you'd go away and let me spend my life in shu shu shu, shu shu shu, shu shu shu shu shu shu Sugar Town."</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Song #20 She Gave Me Love, The Getaway People</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 19px; text-align: -webkit-center;">"I met my baby by the station. </span><span style="line-height: 19px; text-align: -webkit-center;">She said: "Can I help you with some information?"</span><span style="line-height: 19px; text-align: -webkit-center;">'Cause your train gets out at a quarter to five, b</span><span style="line-height: 19px; text-align: -webkit-center;">ut you could stay a while, you and I could get funky t</span><span style="line-height: 19px; text-align: -webkit-center;">o the rhythm of the choo-choo-train d</span><span style="line-height: 19px; text-align: -webkit-center;">ancin' in the pourin' rain. I</span><span style="line-height: 19px; text-align: -webkit-center;"> found myself in the most beautiful of situations..."</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #a64d79; line-height: 19px; text-align: -webkit-center;">And I did find myself in the most beautiful of situations. In some whirlwind romance that I never asked for or expected. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Song #21 405, Death Cab for Cutie</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">"Red wine and the cigarettes... hide your bad habits underneath the patio."</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Everyone knows there are things we'd like to keep to ourselves. We don't all do it.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Song #22 Wouldn't It Be Nice, Beach Boys</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 23px;">Wouldn't it be nice if we were older </span><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 23px;">Then we wouldn't have to wait so long </span><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 23px;">And wouldn't it be nice to live together </span><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 23px;">In the kind of world where we belong </span><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 23px;">You know its gonna make it that much better </span><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 23px;">When we can say goodnight and stay together </span><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 23px;">Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up </span><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 23px;">In the morning when the day is new </span><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 23px;">And after having spent the day together </span><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 23px;">Hold each other close the whole night through </span><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 23px;">Happy times together we've been spending </span><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 23px;">I wish that every kiss was never ending </span><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 23px;">Wouldn't it be nice </span><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 23px;">Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true </span><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 23px;">Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldnt do </span><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 23px;">We could be married </span><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 23px;">And then wed be happy </span><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 23px;">Wouldn't it be nice </span><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 23px;">You know it seems the more we talk about it </span><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 23px;">It only makes it worse to live without it </span><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 23px;">But lets talk about it </span><br style="line-height: 23px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="line-height: 23px;">Wouldn't it be nice</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Song #23 You and I, Ingrid Michealson</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="text-align: center;">"Maybe I think you're cute and funny, </span><span style="text-align: center;">Maybe I wanna do want bunnies do with you if you know what I mean...</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0; text-align: center;">Well you might be a bit confused, a</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0; text-align: center;">nd you might be a little bit bruised, b</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0; text-align: center;">ut baby how we spoon like no one else. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0; text-align: center;">So I will help you read those books, i</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0; text-align: center;">f you will soothe my worried looks, a</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #c27ba0; text-align: center;">nd we will put the lonesome on the shelf."</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This is the song I sang at the open mic, with the help of a dear friend of course. The song that by the end of singing I had letters and marks from the metal I was clutching super hard in my hand. Ever since then he started liking the song too. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Song #24 Tomorrow Morning, Jack Johnson</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #c27ba0; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">Well that's alright<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />If that's alright<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />2000 miles were still<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />And that's alright<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />And that's alright<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />If that's alright<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />I'll see you in the morning<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />If that's alright<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />And what would you do if I wrote you a song<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Would you give me some lovin' when I get home<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Or would you be mad at me if I had a hard time<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Gettin a hold of you<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />I try all the time<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />And I think that<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />You don't know anybody that could be<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />So bad<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />But if you did<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />You'd be wonderin' where I'm at<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Well I'll be home when tomorrow mornin comes<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />What would you do if i sang you this song<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />The connection is bad but that's only the phone<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />'Cause when my words kiss your ear<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />I'll be right there<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />The message is long<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />'Cause baby this is your song<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />I think that<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />You don't know anybody that could be<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />So bad<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />But if you did<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />You'd be wonderin' where I'm at<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Well I'll be home when tomorrow mornin<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />And I think that<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />You don't know anybody that could be<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />So bad<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />But if you did<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />You'd be wonderin' where I'm at<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Well I'll be home when tomorrow mornin<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />And that's alright<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />'Cause I'll be home when tomorrow mornin<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />And that's alright<br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />'Cause I'll be home when tomorrow mornin comes.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And it is alright. Because I get to be with him for the rest of our lives. I've made him promise to die first so I'd never have to be without him. Call it cheesy, call it lame, call it whatever you want. I'll just keep calling it love. </span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjWNG8aSzZKbkeu86IwDWgjEK-59GDRKzqLELWwws86H7CUNBx9odd_5l-_jfZ5Dto3kO47wmtS4oaGS9jhXTj2BiN5dyzhAdnu10gPee-wG4fqAz-xIv8NpFeo6Fshxg6otwZc8WD__re/s1600/url.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjWNG8aSzZKbkeu86IwDWgjEK-59GDRKzqLELWwws86H7CUNBx9odd_5l-_jfZ5Dto3kO47wmtS4oaGS9jhXTj2BiN5dyzhAdnu10gPee-wG4fqAz-xIv8NpFeo6Fshxg6otwZc8WD__re/s320/url.jpeg" width="257" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-size: large;">I love you today, tomorrow and forever. Happy Valentine's day Chris. </span></div>
Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-92007776531381893362013-02-07T21:37:00.002-08:002013-02-07T21:37:14.781-08:00Second Chances Never Matter, People Never Change Or do they?<br />
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I think that at different parts of my life I've believed that people couldn't change. At other points I've believed that all people do is change as long as they're healthy and actively observant and introspective. Finally I believe that I've come to a solid and stable conclusion to this. Remarkably so, the Westboro Baptist Church has helped me come to this conclusion.<br />
If you know of this church you know just how insane that just sounded. This church is the radical group that you may have heard about protesting at funerals of soldiers, husbands, wives, sons, daughters, parents and children as though there is no difference. They spew hate in the name of god, giving the entire world a negative view of this group, occasionally spreading this terrible view to the entire country, or within the country to all Christian groups.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnaSW4dn5ucIEXVYy_RlSNvfksyyt3m3FRtNbX6OvROvrEV8AXwQ5mlDaljegvevNCcWGhMsDkh4fGEPkXNGhvpRyRQDqQTiBz87UoKM0ZoQjZJdxJaaUbo8iP78tfidSxyVOB12uMZFuO/s1600/url.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="216" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnaSW4dn5ucIEXVYy_RlSNvfksyyt3m3FRtNbX6OvROvrEV8AXwQ5mlDaljegvevNCcWGhMsDkh4fGEPkXNGhvpRyRQDqQTiBz87UoKM0ZoQjZJdxJaaUbo8iP78tfidSxyVOB12uMZFuO/s320/url.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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This is a photo of some of the children in the church. The adults involved start spreading these hateful messages to their children from the start, and use these children to spread their hateful ideals. </div>
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How could this horrible organization help me come to any healthy conclusion on people and if they can change? Megan Phelps-Roper. Megan has been an active member of the church from the day she was born until just a few months ago, making it nearly 27 years of spewing hate and pain. Then, she left. Anyone familiar with WBC knows that anyone who leaves is shunned, ignored, and treated as a traitor. I'm unsure on what would happen if people wanted to return after leaving, but I'm fairly certain that they would NOT be welcomed back with open arms. Back to Megan. Megan Phelps-Roper was the frontline of social media for the group. She started tweeting, posting on Facebook, making appearances on both news and talk shows (usually with her mother by her side), and spreading the word of the WBC as far and wide as she could. She became the face of the church to our generation, and we all felt a deep hatred for what she came to represent. </div>
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Back to Megan. Has she changed or not? My answer and my overall conclusion on this issue? Both. Megan has left this hate filled organization, leaving behind a trail of hurt and sadness that she now recognizes she's caused. She can now see the pain she caused people, and she has made a decision to stop. All of this points to change, right? Except for this one little thing. Megan believed that she was doing the right thing, spreading the word of God, helping people see the error in their ways. In an interview done with her mother while she was still an active member of the church a journalist asked her what she wanted her legacy to be, given the reputation that her family had been creating. Megan told the journalist: "That I treated people right." This girl, spreading pain and hate, believed she was treating people right then. Call it brainwashing, or pure misinformation, but she believed what she was doing was for the country as a whole. She believed that she was helping. Now that she see's things differently she has a lot to consider. She has to figure out how to be a person she's happy with. She has to figure out what -and how- to change.</div>
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The point of all of this? People may change. They can change their beliefs, their actions, and their attitude, but they cannot change who they are underneath the layers that they put forward. Megan Phelps-Roper is a person that wants to treat people right. I've always wanted to help people in any way I could. I know other people that seem to only be able to be mean and manipulative no matter what facade they put on or situation they get into. We can change the image we put forth, but we can't change who we are deep down. </div>
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With this new realization I've decided that I can only do my best to examine the deeper parts of people when deciding on what level of relationship I want to have with them. I'd like to believe that everyone is good deep down, but unfortunately I've found some people that aren't quite there at the core. I hope that in the future my choices in friends will reflect what I've shared here, and hopefully you will too. </div>
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Here's a phenomenal comic, once again from iamarg.com. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzt379476SY3AZTjR7CSb5-BGdSTjHjZ56hwzMNNq9ZW0ccEYlKp4BjXFOKCTBQMQIZ0asRwu729_khX37RzINuhEsYHR3xQD3dBDo41soy6aBO6vJO_v54728ktKZqjhFIkeS-C51wrJS/s1600/crityourpants.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzt379476SY3AZTjR7CSb5-BGdSTjHjZ56hwzMNNq9ZW0ccEYlKp4BjXFOKCTBQMQIZ0asRwu729_khX37RzINuhEsYHR3xQD3dBDo41soy6aBO6vJO_v54728ktKZqjhFIkeS-C51wrJS/s320/crityourpants.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
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It's delightful, and I hope it can make you laugh like it makes me smile, every time!</div>
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If you'd like to read more about Megan Phelps-Roper and what she's going through here are a couple of links: </div>
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<a href="https://medium.com/reporters-notebook/d63ecca43e35">https://medium.com/reporters-notebook/d63ecca43e35</a></div>
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<a href="https://medium.com/turning-points/83d2ef8ba4f5">https://medium.com/turning-points/83d2ef8ba4f5</a></div>
<br />Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-35202261088261138202013-01-09T20:19:00.001-08:002013-01-09T20:19:07.789-08:00"Chapter Four" Today my future husband referred to this period of his life as Chapter Four. Chapter One? Childhood. Chapter Two? A wiggly hand and adolescence. Chapter Three? College. Chapter Four: Me. Our life together. What we are and what we will become. This is Chapter Four. How do I feel about being Chapter Four? We'll get to that.<br />
Yesterday he came home from a 3-4 day trip (it depends who you ask as to how long it was) and returned to Chapter Four. I thought up a system for our communication while he was away that made sure neither of us felt neglected and also made sure neither of us were overwhelmed by the other while we were doing things apart. I spent some time with my friends, he went to see one of his closest friends, and we both got time to ourselves and it was good for both of us.<br />
Chris and I have both been through a lot lately, and we've had a lot to think about and deal with. We've had life changes. We're moving forward and we have learned to cope with everything that's been thrown at us. We're taking our time, learning how to work as a unit, getting ready for the rest of our lives. Things haven't been easy, and this is something we talk about regularly. We see the people around us, some of them make it look easy, some of them genuinely have most of what they'd like handed to them. While I've had more given to me than Chris has in our lives, both of us have had to work harder than some people we have experience with. It's frustrating. It can be mind blowing. Some people seem to keep getting handouts, second chances, and free passes.<br />
This isn't a new phenomenon. I've grown to realize that this is something that will always happen. There are people I have known, will know, have gone to school with, worked with, been friends with, and ran into that will be in this free pass group of people. I used to wish I was one of them. On tough days I still do. The most frequent feeling I have, however, is the satisfaction that I have from earning what I have. I've earned my degrees, I've taken responsibility for the financing that was necessary for said degrees. I pay my bills. I take care of my relationships and I take care of everything that needs to be done. I work for my family. I'm a good daughter, sister and fiance. Of course I can't deny that I've had the experience of having most of these things taken care of for me.<br />
Every single thing I do for myself is far more rewarding than things that have been done for me, and quite frankly they usually turn out better than when people do things for me. I've had both experiences, and I look forward to the future I'm building with Chris where we will always do things for ourselves. One day we will have a family and we'll be able to help our children to grow into responsible, autonomous adults.<br />
Now, back to Chapter Four. I don't mind being a new chapter for Chris. My only problem with this is that I don't like the image that Chapter Three had to end so that we can start our life together. I don't like endings, and I don't like the idea of something ending because of me. Like in many books characters can stay consistant through chapters. Others need to be killed off or fade out. Some books are highly unpredictable. Nothing is really certain, except for the fact that in this book each chapter from here on out will have two steady characters, Chris and I. We will always be a team, always work together, and forever be a partnership. One that we've worked for and earned through hard work and determination.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Oh, by the way, hockey lockout over? That's one more thing that we waited patiently for, and it feels wonderful to finally have it back. Those boys worked for the changes they achieved... nobody handed it to them, and I bet they feel great for it. </div>
<br /><br />Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-81192862839979951752012-12-31T16:23:00.001-08:002012-12-31T16:26:09.787-08:00New Year, New What?? It's that time of year again. The time during which everyone pretends to open their eyes and realize what they have been ignoring for the majority of their life. That wonderful time when the calendar rolls over and people pretend that they'll truly be making that change this year. After all, they've made their new year resolution!<br />
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If you haven't caught it just yet, I think new year resolutions are silly. Not just silly, but downright stupid. If a person wants to change something in their lives they shouldn't need a date on the calendar or a ball to drop to get them started. Anyone who is serious about change will just work towards it. Individuals who are truly interested generally do not even need a deadline. Change is something that will take time, regardless of who you are or what you'd like to change. There will be setbacks, things will come up. Sometimes the changes are easier or harder than you'd expect and that can effect the time period that it is necessary to put in. To wait for January first to make a change you believe in is silly, and it serves as an excuse to put off change. </div>
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That being said, everyone around me knows that I've been through quite a bit of change, especially in the last few months, although the argument can be made that real change began a little over a year ago. Last December was when I was interviewing for masters level positions in my field, preparing to leave the job that I'd been at for some time. It was when I met my future parents-in-law. It was when I began to truly become a part of Chris's family, just as he'd been working to become a part of mine. It was when I finally started letting go of all kinds of awful things that had happened and started focusing on me, my life, and my family. </div>
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I don't hate using the new year as a time for retrospection. It's always a good idea to set aside time to look back and see what has been done and what we've learned from it. It's ok to miss the people we've lost, recognize our appreciation for the ones we've gained, and enjoy the memories we've collected. </div>
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Use your new year however you like. Try to stay safe, (don't drink and drive!) and enjoy yourself. I'll be using mine to keep growing, becoming a person that I like more and more every day. I'll also be using this year to actually plan our wedding, and tonight I'll be working on relearning how to knit and crochet! </div>
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Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-39850862504963448582012-12-06T14:52:00.000-08:002012-12-06T14:52:13.349-08:00Tis The Season!<div>
Hey now, don't worry, I haven't forgotten about my darling blog. I've just been busy! I know a couple of the pople who read are fairly regular readers and can become concerned when I haven't written in a while. I may let the entries get farther apart, but I highly doubt I'll be ending the writing I do here any time soon. It's too much of a stress relieving tool for me to let go! So take this awesome web comic and don't worry.</div>
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With Christmas coming up and Thanksgiving just having passed, this is a time of year that most people do a lot of thinking about their lives and the people in them. I, on the other hand, evaluate my life and it's direction regularly, and over the past 2 years have made a habit of paying attention to the people within it and how I feel about them regularly as well. It's kind of like New Year Resolutions. Some people need a certain time of year to inspire thought, analysis and change. I don't make New Year Resolutions because I think that it's silly to need a date on a calendar to make a change in your life. <div>
Life changes constantly if you're doing it right. Stagnation (as far as I'm concerned) is a sign of failure. For life to be entertaining and productive I have to have change and motion. The change can be as simple as trying new types of therapy at my job, taking on new types of clients, or working towards adding new resources or programs. It can be more complex, like starting classes or applying to doctoral programs (I've successfully pushed of application for at least another year since I was nervous about it and didn't feel ready. Not my finest moment, but I know that if I start it before I'm ready I won't do as well as I can.). The changes for me can even manifest themselves as something much bigger like planning our wedding and our move. Side note: don't stress out anyone, the move isn't rapidly approaching or anything. It won't be for quite some time, it's just something I should prepare for so that everything goes smoothly and we can be happy with everything that we decide on.</div>
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Now, over the past few months some of the changes in my life were forced upon me without my consent. Losing two of my ex-boyfriends, on of which was a really great friend of mine, forced me to adapt and evaluate certain things before I wanted to. When someone close to you in age, physical proximity and friendship is ripped from the fabric of your universe it can force you to look at many of the aspects of life. Kirk and I used to have a lot of very deep discussions about life, love, and the universe. Now I may have to deal with those deep thoughts on my own.</div>
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Even with the loss of people that I love very much the analysis of my life had a positive result. </div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">First: I'm happy with my job. It can be really hard work and sometimes I hear awful, tragic stories of neglect, abuse, distorted thoughts, and many other things that can make a child's life difficult to live. That aspect of my work can be very difficult, but it drives me to do my job and constantly work to improve my skill set. For some of the kids I see I'm the closest thing to a functional adult that they have in their lives. Once we get over the irony of that statement and control the laughter that comes with it we can get back to the point, which is that I have the opportunity to change these children's lives. I can help them to repair some of the damage that has been done to them and help guide them to a healthier life, hopefully breaking a societal cycle for some of them. I've had some clients outwardly state that after seeing me they've not only made a conscious decision to do things differently than the people surrounding them, but also feel prepared for the changes and uphill battle that they may encounter. Hearing that from client's is amazing. It makes every tough session or cancellation worth it. I've also seen younger children grow and develop, with the work that I've done with them clearly having an effect on them, and sometimes having their parents tell me how much of a difference I've made. I'd still do my job out of love for the field without these rewards, but seeing and hearing these things may change me as much as I'm told I've changed others. I wish that everyone will at some people have experiences as rewarding as my job is.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Second: I'm happy with my personal life. I'm sad over my losses just like anyone would be. I sometimes find myself wishing that some things hadn't happened the way that they did. When this happens I take a look around and see that the people close to me are exactly what I want. The friends that I hold close are different than I've had in the past, and I now have reciprocal relationships (for the most part). Everyone will always have their melodramatic moments, myself included, but I'm finally around people that are not in a constant state of emotional emergency that they need me to fix for them. I finally have friends that are as interested in being supported and helped by me as they are in being helped and supported themselves. For the longest time I thought that friendships were just what I'd been a part of, one girl always needing, wanting, demanding time energy and attention. Those relationships were draining, and after a little while they started to feel more like obligations than friendships. Now I'm old enough and aware of my situation so I can choose my obligations, and I choose ones that have as much return as they require in output. I am fairly confident in my ability to judge character now and even though I might take my time trusting people or letting them get close to me, I judge better and I'm not afraid to admit when I made a mistake in letting a person into my life or keeping them out. I will work to remedy any mistakes that I've made. It's not easy to admit mistakes to yourself or others. Being able to do so takes effort and maturity.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Third: I'm happy with my family. Both the family I was born into and the one that I'm working on creating. Neither one is always easy. My biological family can be very difficult sometimes. It's hard to be a part of this family and have your own life sometimes. Caring for my sister, helping my mother, being an active daughter and sister in this atmosphere can be seriously challenging. Balancing this family and their needs with my own can be hard. Sometimes I have to change plans on very short notice. Sometimes I have to let my needs fall back until my family is taken care of and stable. Beyond needs is happiness, and my family's happiness is paramount. I would give almost anything to make and keep them happy, which sometimes means that I have to wait to help myself to do what they need. It's always been like that, so it isn't new. What's new is the balance I've been working towards and achieving more often. I'm proud of the growth that I've experienced, growth that helps my family and myself. The family I'm building has to try to grow while we maintain the family I was born into. Like a little sapling that's trying to grow in the shadow of a big, fully grown tree. The big tree gets the nutrients, the sunlight, and is seen by people. The sapling has the benefit of being protected by the bigger tree from threats and elements, but has to be strong and work harder because the big tree gets all of the nutrients and necessities, leaving the sapling with what's left. Our sapling is finding a way to get what it needs. That is a challenge. I'm proud of how strong and understanding my partner is. He makes sure our sapling grows. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">(That got super gross and sappy. Gag. Sorry about that.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Fourth: I'm happy with the direction that I'm going. I'm working hard in almost every area of my life, including the leisure aspect. I've dedicated time and energy to becoming mentally healthy. Managing my anxiety and moods, working on relaxation, focusing on what I need to be a better, happier, and healthier person. I'm focused on today and the future. I'm ready for what life has to throw at me and I'm happy with the people who will be by my side when it comes. </span></div>
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I'll never stop missing the people I've lost, but I will always do my best to appreciate what they've done for me. No matter how a person has left my life I will keep the memory of how they have changed me (for better or worse) and attempt to appreciate it forever.</div>
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So if you do New Years Resolutions, start looking at your life, decide what you like or dislike, attempt to appreciate every aspect of your life, and make changes as you see fit. Don't let other people dictate your life or decisions. Take control and take responsibility. When you own your decisions and create your life you can fix it, change it, and take pride in it. True autonomy. Being in control feels great!</div>
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Check out this super sweet drawing our security guard did for me!!!</div>
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Super duper congratulations are in order (even if they are a little late) to my friend Karla, who achieved her Masters of Psychology in the spring. Caring people make wonderful therapists, so I'm sure she'll be successful!</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Also, for everyone who loves gossip and/or drama: The person whose part in my life inspired me to start this blog got engaged. I'm not sure why people want to tell me about what goes on in that girl's life, especially since she's not a part of mine anymore and I'm happy for that. Still, people want to share this kind of stuff with me for some reason. My suggestion to those of you that have told me you've developed some kind of feelings given how everything happened between us is this- be happy for her. I never dreamed of my wedding, and even being engaged for a year and a half I still don't know what I want, other than to spend the rest of my life with Chris. That girl has been waiting and wishing for a husband since I can remember and she'll finally have it. It's comprable to my masters degree. Something I always knew I wanted and was so excited to finally have. So if you know her, congratulate her. If you don't and have some feelings about her just because of me and that situation, add some good will to the pity that goes her way. </span></div>
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Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-21202480998402513822012-10-01T19:31:00.000-07:002012-10-01T19:31:05.622-07:00The Things Bestowed Upon Us My last post was a little sad, talking about the death of my first love. It was a tragedy to lose him, but the summer wasn't done showing me all that it had to test me.<br />
Shortly after my last post I learned that a very dear friend (Kirk), whom I also dated for a short period of time, had passed away. At the far too young age of 24 he was taken from this world, shortly after moving into a new apartment after returning from a mission trip to Baja. The irony of this is not lost on me. This man was doing God's work and then was called home to him.<br />
I was angry. Kirk was doing everything he could to be good to the world. He was well on his way to changing it, one little bit at a time. The relationship we shared was one of adventure, learning, sharing and influencing. We were ready to start a revolution. We wanted to teach each and every person how to open their eyes and see everything the world has to offer, just like we did. Together we had lofty goals, dreams of grander. Our friendship had grown to the point where he was even prepared to embrace the man that I am going to marry. Over nearly 7 years I'd watched him grow and change, just like I have, into the type of people we want to be.<br />
Now he cannot progress any farther. His story has ended. Part of me wishes that he had become so wonderful that he'd achieved nirvana and joined the universal energy, but I'm not sure any of us will ever get to a point where we don't have anymore work to do on ourselves.<br />
This death has hit me even harder than the last one that I've written about. So young, full of life, and ready for the future... An ever present friendship in my life that grown to be unconditional. A person that had grown with me over many years and stages of life. This loss has caused me more pain than I could have anticipated, even if I had anticipated it.<br />
One more friend, one more loved one, one more person that I had grown close to, gone and gone forever. This fact makes life much more difficult. Daily life becomes a struggle when you are unsure that you'll have the people you care for with you tomorrow. It seems to me that summers have been an unfortunate season for me, starting with wonderful things that are quickly followed by the worst things I could imagine. We all know about my graduation and engagement followed by the betrayal and loss of a friend. This year wonderful work in my field, just what I've worked for, followed by the death of some of my loved ones. Yes, it's only been two years, but two incredibly and unimaginable years. Unimaginable happiness followed by incomprehensible loss.<br />
Sometimes I hate how much the world around me pulls and pushes at my emotions. Then I hate how my emotions dictate my behaviors. My self control is limited, but getting better. Even with this discomfort caused by my loving, feeling heart, I would never give it up. It has given me the a gift that makes me able to do my job and do it well. Sure, it takes a toll on me, but at the same time it makes me be able to feel for my clients and truly help them.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Gifts given to us are never our choice if they are true gifts. They are bestowed upon us without our input, and we have to decide what to do with them. I will take my strong emotions and empathy and use it every single day to help myself, my loved ones, and anyone who needs it. </span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">No matter what happens after we die, you will always be a part of the living world, through the love that you spread and the changes you made to yourself, your family, your friends, and the world as a whole. KMD</span></div>
Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-41659998350046555872012-08-24T20:11:00.003-07:002012-08-24T20:11:56.745-07:00Death of a Love Recently my online presence has been minimal, and that hasn't been an accident. My career is taking off in wonderful ways, my family has been growing together in a way that makes me proud, and my relationship moves closer to the ideal every day. All of these things are reasons that have kept me busy. Unfortunately my distractions were not all that wonderful. Two weeks ago someone very dear to me died. My first love (a distinction that wasn't only mine, no matter how I feel about that) took his own life after a long struggle and a painful life. The news was unexpected, especially since I had spoken to him only a week earlier and he assured me that he was doing well. I've always tried to explain to Chris that my emotions are a little more complicated than his, and when I love someone I will love them forever, although not in the same way. I don't think he really understood until he saw my reaction to this death. He's seen my reaction to death, he's seen me in pain, he's seen me mourn the death of something I thought was important and never thought I would lose, but he'd never seen this. I still don't think he understands, and I don't think I will ever be able to explain it to him.<br />
Regardless of how much pain or joy this person caused me, he was my first love. He showed me a lot of the world, some of which I wish I had never known. He changed me, removed the innocence of youth, stood by my side in some painful situations. He was one of my first experiences of adulthood and he helped me learn what I did and did not want out of life. He caused some lasting damage that has made my relationships since then a struggle. He did a lot of things for reasons I didn't understand. One thing I do understand is that I loved him. I was still very young and had a lot of growing to do, but that fact is unchangeable.<br />
Since his passing I have taken the time to mourn him. I found the box that I kept our old things in. Things I had long forgotten about. Love notes, a card from flowers, an anniversary gift with a note about how he'd love me forever. This box was opened many times, since that relationship was on again, off again. Each time it ended more things were put in the box, and each time we came back together I would open it again and we would remember how we'd been before. I hadn't even thought about this box in years, and I have known for quite some time there would never be anything more to add to it. Looking through this box, at the pieces of him, the secrets we shared, the love and pain that he gave me... it helped me realize that he will never be back again. I will always know that our relationship was something else. Not healthy, but different than anything I'd known before or anything I'd let myself get into afterward. I will always love that man in a special way, but I almost breathe a sigh of relief knowing that I won't have to witness (or try to help) his suffering anymore.<br />
Chris has been here with me while I've processed and dealt with this. Every day he becomes more and more wonderful than I had anticipated. I am lucky to be loved by a man like him, and he inspires me to work towards being a better person. I hope that some of my issues surrounding relationships will die along with my first love, allowing me the freedom I need to continue to grow into a happy, healthy person.<br />
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<b>May my first love rest in peace, and in death finally feel the warmth and support those around him attempted to provide to him in life. </b></div>
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Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-42198042807774977002012-06-27T19:10:00.002-07:002012-06-27T19:10:40.052-07:00Enough is Enough "Enough is enough!" It's a phrase that we have all heard since we were children. Our parents have said it when they're tired of what we get ourselves into. Our friends say it when they've had too much to drink. We even say it on occasion when we've eaten too much for dinner. It's a phrase with a very clear meaning- it's time to stop. Still, the question arises, as adults, when is enough really enough?<br />
I mean this not so much in the negative way of doing or having too much of something, but rather as a question of self-fulfillment. We create goals for ourselves and set out to achieve them. We work hard to make ourselves and those who matter to us proud. When we hit milestones and achieve our goals we set new ones. It makes sense, and according to certain psychological schools of thought a person can never be "finished" with this process and be happy. We have to continue changing and developing, adapting to our surroundings and working to become a person we are pleased with.<br />
When is it enough though? How far do we have to go before we can stop working so hard, or at least stop working on changes and advancements of great magnitude? I know people who seem to be ok with who they are and where they are in their lives, and for the most part I think that's great. I'm even a little bit jealous. I feel this jealousy because I've achieved most of the goals I've set for myself, and within the timeline I wanted as well, but every time I do something that I've set out to do I feel compelled to go after something else. Something new, bigger, harder, and more impressive.<br />
By 24 I've achieved a masters degree in the field that I love (Just to clarify how awesome I am, I was only 23 when I got the degree). I've completed internships and specializations to deepen my knowledge and skill level. I'm lucky enough to have not one, but two jobs in this field, one of which is doing what I've wanted to do since I remember choosing this field, outpatient therapy. This job provides me with competitive compensation and opportunities for advancement. In my personal life I've met a man that outshines any other I've met in the past and have accepted a marriage proposal (regardless of how much I may be dragging my feet on the planning process!). I've taken the tough steps to clear out my inner circle and recognize the truly wonderful friends I have, helping me to appreciate them more than I ever have before. I've continued to strengthen relationships with my family, being the best sister and daughter that I can be. I have pets that I love and care for. I'm planning a future that involves the American dream modified for what I want: a home, a husband, children and a career. By 24 I've created a life that some people can only hope will become a possibility some day.<br />
Even so, it doesn't seem to be enough for me. I crave further advancements in almost every area. It is not necessarily that I want these things right now, just that I want them. I always want to be better, go farther, and do more. I try to figure out why, what it is that drives me. It's not competition, I've never been too competitive. It's not external pressure, the people in my world don't seem to attached to these accomplishments or live vicariously through me. For now I just convince myself that the drive comes simply from a desire for self improvement, and that I can live with.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: #a64d79;">Just in case you haven't seen this yet, it's hilarious, and you've been missing out.</span></b></span></div>Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-57051523763197238682012-06-06T10:18:00.003-07:002012-06-06T10:18:29.845-07:00Poeple Help Create Humanity I think we can all agree that we are who we have become has a lot to do with the people that have been a part of our lives. As children we have less control of whom we have in our lives, the control in this situation is generally more of the choice of our parents or guardians. They set up play dates that we may or may not request. The people in our lives end up there without us generally choosing, sometimes without us actually wanting it. As we get older we are generally surrounded by peers in school. We have less opportunity to interact with people outside of this group due to our location and lack of mobility... we still rely on our parents to take us places. We grow older and gain independence. We learn to drive and can expand our social circles. If we are fortunate enough we may go to college, expanding our potential social circles to the entire student body, perhaps even some faculty, although most of us restrict our friend group to those that we have classes with, dorm with, join clubs with, or have some other thing in common. We most likely miss out on some great social interactions because of the restrictions that manifest. This particular entry is not about what we've missed out on, though. It's about what we have experienced and how it has shaped us.<br />
Every interaction we have helps to shape who we become. We meet people and learn things. We learn about them, their interests, the knowledge that they have is shared with us and we grow. We gather information about what we like and do not like, and we use that information to help us determine what we'd like to have and do in the future. Some of us quickly realize what we like and attempt to continue experiencing things that fall into that category. Others of us simply start to notice things that we don't like, note the things we do, and attempt to continue to gather more information through more experiences. I'm generally in the second group. I find things I like and don't like, avoid things I know I don't like (not always very successfully), but most of my focus is set on finding new experiences and meeting new people so that I can keep finding out what I like or do not enjoy, so that I can continue growing and learning forever! Stagnation is frightening to me, so I would rather keep doing new things than stick to something comfortable.<br />
Of course, as a part of this process people come in and out of our lives. So often the loss of a person can be painful or unpleasant, like in the event of a break up or death. When we begin to associate this extreme negative feeling with the individual that has left our life many of us wish that we could remove all memory of the person from our minds. People wish for an <i>Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind</i> situation. Unfortunately I can't fully understand this. Sure, it can be painful to be reminded of a person once they have left our lives, especially if it was a nonconsensual parting. Still, why would we want to remove a person from memory? At one point we enjoyed their company, they have helped us to become who we are today. Unless you are truly unhappy with whom you have become there is no need to try and forget these people. Furthermore, if you are unhappy with the person you have become, you cannot blame this on others. Taking responsibility for the person you are is a necessary part of maturing.<br />
To personalize this issue I will mention a few specifics. I invited my ex to my graduation a year ago even though we were no longer together. He helped me get to where I am, being somewhat supportive, encouraging me to pursue my dreams to an extent. Our ending even helped me to a point. By realizing that our relationship would not work out, for whatever reason, I was pushed to be more independent and to find myself, find what I wanted out of life and go after it. Over the years my ex and I have been forced farther and farther apart, and now we do not even speak. I hear he is expecting a child. He will be a loving father and I have only the best wishes for he and his girlfriend. My only wish for myself in that situation is for him to know how much hope I have for him to find happiness, especially given the happiness that his role in my life has helped me to find the same.<br />
Now, I am sure that anyone who has read this blog from the beginning would be interested in how I feel about the individual that inspired the creation of this blog. There is a person that I gave so much to, that my family opened their home and their hearts to, that I invested time, energy and money into with the only return being a painful, borderline cruel slap in the face. This individual left with hundreds (perhaps even thousands) of dollars of money that she owed (which adds to the irony, since we took her in so she could pay off some of the debt that she felt so overwhelmed by) to me and my family. She walked out of our lives with not so much as a "thank you" or a "goodbye" after we had struggled to give her everything she needed to be comfortable and start her life the way she wanted it. All of this after being in my life for 18 years. She claimed that she felt like we were the family she wished she had, and that I was the best friend she ever could have hoped for. She filled my world with lies and deceit, taking everything she could and giving nothing but pain in return. So wouldn't I want to erase this person from my memory completely?<br />
Parts of me would love to have no memory of her at all. She gave my faith in humanity a huge blow. I couldn't understand how someone could be so incredibly thankless and inconsiderate, especially with people continually handing her what she wanted, bending over backwards to try and give her what she wanted because they felt bad for her, although all of the sympathy she built for herself was a lie as well. This person has made themselves almost the worst person I've ever known in my head. Every time I hear about her hurting someone else I just shake my head, almost wishing I could have warned them, but I know it's not my place by any means to interfere with other people's relationships. Also, people tried to warn me that she was a liar and not to be trusted, not to mention that I watched her talk about people behind their backs while they helped her on such a regular basis. In retrospect, anything that happened was my own fault. I take responsibility for being so giving and getting walked on. I could have, or should have, been more guarded and kept myself safe, but I chose not to. I have been fortunate enough to learn from this situation.<br />
The take home message? I know that relationships are hard. I recognize that after these relationships end we can learn from them much better than when we are in them. Good or bad, long or short, ended or not, we are shaped by the people we have interactions with. Some people make us happy and build us up, others make us doubt our judgement and bring us down, occasionally even hurting our faith in humanity. Even with all of this, we have to recognize our own part of this process. We can't blame other people for our lives and how they end up.<br />
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<b>Responsibility is something we try to teach children, but so many adults
still don't grasp the concept. We are exactly what we are, we've become
so by our own choices, even if the only choice we had control over was
how we react. </b></div>Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-55075109489067650352012-06-01T11:30:00.000-07:002012-06-01T11:30:17.999-07:00Ethical Lines Drawn Oh So Finely<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Recently
NPR ran a story that briefly discussed a historical anecdote involving a young
man who suffered an accidental gunshot wound to the abdomen, leaving him with
an interesting condition known as a fistula. Essentially, the man’s wound never
completely healed, leaving an opening to his stomach covered by a simple skin
flap. He continued to live a fairly normal life although his condition
obviously prevented him from engaging in certain types of work. A doctor was very
interested in this condition and engaged in some experimentation, similar to
the work of Galileo <span style="font-weight: normal;">in
which he would tie a string to a piece of food, swallow it, and then pull it
back up at various times after ingestion to observe the progression of
digestion. This doctor, however, bypassed the esophagus completely, directly
inserting the food item into the stomach, and conducting similar observations
by removing the food and documenting stages of digestion. Of course the doctor
provided the man with compensation for his participation. Even so, this man
decided that he didn’t want to be a guinea pig anymore, left the service of the
doctor and attempted to live a normal life. </span>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>As
previously noted, this man could not participate in certain types of work. His
life was difficult, and at a point it became evident to him that he needed the
income provided by the doctor to participate in these experiments to live. He
was forced to return to the doctor and allow him to conduct these experiments
simply so that he could have enough money to live. The man had no other choice,
he could not work and support himself due to his condition so he had to return
to a situation that he was extremely uncomfortable with simply to survive.</div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Back
then we had no disability income. There was no other option that the man knew
of, and this benefited the doctor (and in a way science as a whole) because the
research could be completed. Even with the wonderful advancements that it
provided, it was essentially against the man’s will, and therefore should be
considered unethical. Even with the obvious ethical dilemma this situation,
even by today’s standards, would provide no issue with any board of ethics
since the man came “willingly” and was compensated. </div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>This
situation brings up so many questions regarding ethics in today’s world of
psychology. I’ve worked in an inpatient unit. There I learned about the very
interesting concept of declaring people incompetent to make decisions for
themselves. Given their incompetence the treatment team can force medication on
these people. There are certain medications that we can give by injection
providing a long term, extended release that can last up to 60 days. Mental
health incompetence generally would not last quite that long. A crisis situation
can be resolved with less serious medications and therapies within as short of
a period as a few days. The interesting thing here is that, during this window
of “incompetence” doctors can make the decision to give them a medication,
against their will, that would last for 2 months. A mentally competent
individual can refuse medication even if it may be helpful.</div>
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The choice to struggle with or
without medication (for whatever reason) is a right of every man, woman, or
child that is confronted with that decision. For us as professionals to rob the
individual of this choice, be it for days or months, is an injustice as far as
I am concerned. In this field we are here to help, and part of helping is to
respect the wishes of those with whom we work, whether we agree or disagree
with the decisions that they make. </div>Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-19066128548459486752012-04-16T21:34:00.000-07:002012-04-16T21:34:09.180-07:00Knowing how to say "I'm sorry." Working with small children the word "sorry" gets thrown around a lot. "It's ok" is another phrase that usually follows it. As children we learn that when we do something wrong we apologize (even if we aren't really sorry) and we also learn that when someone says they're sorry you accept their apology (even if you really don't).<br />
As adults we learn that we don't have to say that we're sorry if we aren't. Occasionally we may throw out an apology that we don't completely stand behind simply to move past a situation, keep the peace, appease others, or even just to look like a nice person. We apologize for many reasons, and not all of them are because we are sincerely sorry. More importantly we learn that we do not have to accept these apologies. We can listen to them or not, and make up our minds to let the situation go and accept the apology, accept it under conditions such as change in behavior or some type of penance, or not accept it at all and leave the apologizer to live with the knowledge that they have done something we feel is unforgivable. In the last situation we are presented with yet another decision, which is to continue in whatever type of relationship we were engaged in, or end said relationship due to the indiscretion. <br />
We learn these things as adults fairly early. Something I don't think we necessarily learn in a timely manner is when and how to be and say that we are sorry. We often believe that we are justified in our actions and have no desire to apologize for something justified. Sometimes we view the interaction as something that should not be held to be meaningful, leaving an apology unwarranted. In some situations we simply can't or won't take the time to attempt to understand the other side, learning how something we've done could possibly be upsetting or hurtful to another human being. If we do acquire these skills it can lead us to a whole new set of problems: a set of problems associated with another set of skills.<br />
Forgiveness. Not even just forgiveness, but sometimes the skill to hear a person out in their apology. Sometimes we are so hurt or upset that we don't even want to hear what a person could possibly have to say after they've done or said something so hurtful. Perhaps we even feel justified in punishing them by refusing to listen at all. These actions are our rights as humans, and we exercise them regularly.<br />
I bring this topic up not because of some recent slight against me or mistake made by me, but rather in reflection on a lot of things in my adult life. I have been considering my relationships with people and the ends of those relationships in contrast to those that have lasted. It occurs to me that I (to the best of my recollection) make it a point to at least listen to a persons apology if it is offered before I decide to accept or refuse it. I feel like it is crucial to make an informed decision. You made my baby sister cry? I'll never forgive you for it, but I'll certainly listen to whatever poor excuse or apology you have for it. And you know what, if the situation was that she had her period and you mentioned the name "Pat" and it threw her into a fit of tears because her friend Pat just died, I may just forgive you. We have a complex world, in which every single person is living a life that we don't necessarily know about. As far as I'm concerned, it's worth hearing someone out, even if you're pretty sure that I've made up my mind. It isn't smart to make a decision and stick to it without at least trying to gather all of the information. <br />
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All of this said, I only wish that other people were as open to hearing what people have to say as I am. I've made mistakes, I've had people do things that have upset me. I think that if we could all simply focus on what is truly important and give each other a chance we would live happier lives. I mean, we chose these people to be in our lives at some point, didn't we? <b>Why should we let a mistake end that relationship, especially without trying to understand how it happened first?</b>Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-42047874208788044232012-04-01T14:35:00.000-07:002012-04-01T14:35:50.018-07:00You are my sunshine... So much has changed in so little time, which seems to be the pattern in my life. I can't complain of course, stagnation and complacency bore me. Change is a necessary and exciting part of life, a part that I wouldn't give up... even if it does mean that stability is more difficult to come by.<br />
Chris has managed to test out of his classes and come home. He has found a wonderful job with a stable company making enough to help us start our life together in a more responsible manner. He is looking into apartments that will be lovely for us for the next few years while we make strides in our lives and careers. He demonstrates his dedication to himself and me by taking the time to responsibly set up our future, unlike the last time we found an apartment which was rushed and almost frantic. This time around we are taking time, saving, budgeting, shopping, organizing... taking care of everything that should be taken care of the right way. He makes me proud with the changes he is making to his habits as well as the way he chooses to demonstrate his commitment. <br />
I've started a new job and should have a full client load by this weekend. I'm still on at the job I've had since August and doing my best to keep my enthusiasm there. It finally looks like what I've been working for is coming to fruition. Even with these amazing career steps I'm taking I keep the idea of school in the back of my mind. My intention is to make application by the deadlines this year, and start in August of 2013. It's slightly later than I'd originally intended, (you know, when I was like 12) but it will be an appropriate time. I'll be 25 when I start, hopefully finished by 30. These numbers are frightening but I recognize that in the grand scheme of things I'll still be relatively young and able to have so many things that I've wanted in my life. In addition I'm reminded of the joy that education brings me. I love learning and studying, so the prospect of returning to a university makes me excessively happy.<br />
In addition to the changes that have happened more are sure to come. Within the next six months I expect to be fully committed to my new job, have put in application to at least 5 schools, moved into a new apartment with my future husband, gone on vacation with an adorable married couple, adopted a dog, really begun planning our wedding, celebrated my beautiful sister's 21st birthday, and hopefully grown even more than I have in the last six months. I have high hopes that the next six months will allow me to once again look toward the future, rather than focus on the day to day of how to keep everything afloat. The idea makes me smile and brightens my days.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitNxL5uX5Xlul-Yb62sHvsz3Ny96P3CQyQW8QPo4KSN4yo4-HJUwyEAhAm4KLasgeerclN3Eb__oRuMybrqIJJpZOfh3ubmg_pBEgosAapRn79L0iqE0M5s4JqaXQw8zQAIzfjsKLEANbb/s1600/IMG_0286.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitNxL5uX5Xlul-Yb62sHvsz3Ny96P3CQyQW8QPo4KSN4yo4-HJUwyEAhAm4KLasgeerclN3Eb__oRuMybrqIJJpZOfh3ubmg_pBEgosAapRn79L0iqE0M5s4JqaXQw8zQAIzfjsKLEANbb/s320/IMG_0286.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">We take events from our past and use them as motivation for our future. If you have events like these to draw from, you are truly lucky. </div>Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-91307662873248162652012-03-07T18:31:00.000-08:002012-03-07T18:31:42.418-08:00A cat, a rat, a woman and a man. That's what we call a family. Chris is visiting me for the first time in a while, and so much has gone on since my last blog post. Life is fluid, it's constantly changing, and healthy people change with it.<br />
Since my last post I've applied for/ interviewed for a job in State College to start taking steps in my career as well as get closer to Chris. I've applied to a few jobs around here as well, and today I scheduled training for an outpatient therapy job in North Philly. Sometimes I feel like there aren't very many options for me in my field right now, other times I feel like there are too many choices. I'm constantly reminded of the studies that show how people with more choices have higher rates of depression and anxiety, and I relate. While deciding on my next step I have a lot of anxiety about making the right decisions not just for myself, but for everyone involved. I want to make the choices that will benefit my family (both the one I was born into and the one I'm working on creating), my clients, my career, my bank account, my education, and the parts of the world that I touch. It's a lot to take in and a lot to consider when making decisions such as where to work and where to live. My conclusion so far? Apply anywhere I find interesting and when offers come in compare and contrast them and take what looks the best. The thing about it is that I'm apparently rather marketable... a 23 year old master of psychology is something that people seem to interested in.<br />
While I've been making these decisions Chris has been away in State College, studying and having fun. Our decision to have him got there was a tough one, but what he didn't know until recently is that I pretty much made the decision for him. Since his move here he's seemed like he missed his college life, complaining often about not being able to be with his friends and talking about how cool he thought State College was. I don't necessarily feel the same way and have even felt like I would rather be anywhere but there at points. With all of this I decided to push him to go back. I felt like this would give him the opportunity to return to his ideal college world with his friends... and without his fiance. He could spend some time independent of me and the responsibilities that come with a serious relationship (while maintaining fidelity, of course). He could play in the world that I feel like I grew out of a while ago and figure some things out, grow up and out of it, and figure out what exactly it was about that place and those people that he missed so much. All in all, I'd say this has been a successful venture, even though we've missed each other quite a bit.<br />
Now that Chris has nearly had his fill of frat boy type college behavior and realized what he finds to be truly important he seems ready to come back here for multiple reasons. The irony of the situation is that while I've been finding a career path close to State College, he's found one close to me. It's quite a <i>Gift of the Magi</i> situation. At this point he's adopted my philosophy of pursing interesting opportunities and waiting until offers come in. Once we've got some things on the table we hope to be able to be back together and back to building our future again. <br />
Another decision that has come up is that I've decided I will be making application to doctoral programs. I'm ready for the next step in my education, and I haven't given up on the idea of being Dr. Danielle. I know I can do it, I'm certainly good enough, and it is what I want in the long term. Lucky for my I've got an amazing support system to stand behind me and help me achieve my dreams. Between my family, Chris, and the few awesome friends that I have I know that I've got enough people to help me, guide me, and support me through any decision I make. So, ladies and gentleman, if you have suggestions of a doctoral program I should look into feel free to share. I've only got 3 that I know I'm applying to and I'd like to bump that number up to 6.<br />
In mundane news, my baby sister is coming home for spring break next week so I'm super pumped. It's always nice when our little family can be together. I'm looking at new cars because mine is 12 years old and I don't think that it would hurt to have a more grown up car, what with me being a grown up now and all that. Chris and I still have no date for the wedding, which I really appreciate. I don't think I could handle the stress of wedding planning right now and it's comforting to know that the man who asked me to marry him isn't pushing me to find the time to actually do it either. It's nice to have someone who is on the same page with you, regardless of where that page is in the book.<br />
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I try to recognize just how lucky I am on a regular basis. I am blessed with so many things others don't necessarily have. Some of these things have been dropped into my lap by good fortune, others came about from a lot of hard work and determination. Either way, I am one lucky girl. There is no question about that.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_p7Wfn5dRmOwl3Vhp_50RQoe_MwEUvzms5oLxp4lAmiubgR-NDwHD1jO0nQiLS3CcUbokUFa162W4AxwT8u7PSHqBcb44SDy-jVvudvsZrl0QqROYNWb4z4U98GR_tcKXmL4gSEv1dlwT/s1600/DSC01512.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_p7Wfn5dRmOwl3Vhp_50RQoe_MwEUvzms5oLxp4lAmiubgR-NDwHD1jO0nQiLS3CcUbokUFa162W4AxwT8u7PSHqBcb44SDy-jVvudvsZrl0QqROYNWb4z4U98GR_tcKXmL4gSEv1dlwT/s320/DSC01512.jpg" width="245" /></a></div>Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-23871031575615415232012-01-27T16:56:00.000-08:002012-01-27T16:56:51.414-08:00I said it really nice, I asked "Can you be my savior?" At this point in our lives I truly believe that people my age are at a very interesting place. We are, legally and by all rights, adults. At the same time we are children in so very many ways. Some of us are still children because our parents have allowed it (or perhaps forced it by hindering our development in one way or another) while others are children because they choose to be, or are clinging to the care free youth they recall and avoiding adulthood at all costs. Regardless of the reasons, I know that I personally look at life sometimes and realize I am so not ready/old enough/prepared for this. I'm thankful for these realizations, whether they're about big things like life and work, or little things like "OMG how do I have so much money in bills?!?!?!" and the fact that I'm still really uncomfortable being at home alone over night. If we never see where we have shortcomings then we can never develop and make the effort to become fully developed and healthy adults.<br />
Recently I was forced to face some of the parts of me that are very much still childlike. One being staying at home alone over night. I could have had a friend stay with me so I wasn't alone, but this friend was a boy (probably the preference if you're concerned about protection), and I believe that (even if they stay in separate rooms) a respectable and engaged young woman should not spend the night alone with another man. I got to sleep lightly, waking up at every sound... but I made it through. I doubt I'll ever be comfortable staying alone, but I can do it, and I know that my decision in that case was the adult one. <br />
Other things I have been forced to face. My shortcomings in adulthood have been thrown in my face in certain instances. I didn't like it at the time, but I doubt anyone could like to be told how they aren't good at life. Luckily for me, the things that I fall short at were cushioned by being brought to my attention through the love of my life. No, I don't like hearing about where or how I suck, but if I had to hear it from anyone I'm glad it was Chris. So many people can say things simply out of meanness or to be hurtful, but this way I know that the things I should work on are genuine issues, and I also have a barometer. I'm in no way hesitant to ask him how I've been doing on my self work, and he isn't afraid to tell the truth. That kind of relationship, while sometimes is harsh, is hard to find... even in a therapist. <br />
In case you're wondering how I'm not so awesome, I'll go ahead and give you some of the things I'm working on. I know we all like to see people struggle, so why not give the voyeuristic part of you something to smirk at. You can know what I might not be happy. <br />
1) I pick fights, especially with the people I love. I like fighting. I feel like it's a cathartic release, and can be a very important part of a relationship. It creates a forum to express emotion honestly, even if not directly. That is to say that if you are upset or hurt about something and you fight about the dishes not getting done it can give you an opportunity to get out all the hurt you've been harboring. It's immature and inappropriate, but sometimes figuring out how to have a conversation about how you got hurt over something that couldn't be helped or had to be done, or finding a way to express your frustration with life becoming mundane... These things can be difficult. I am in no way saying that I'm suddenly against fighting, I just think that I need to work on when, where and what about. Some issues will inevitably end up in a fight, but I don't need to mask my pain about feeling second place by picking a pointless fight that will, most likely, get way out of hand. I'm going to have to try and be mature and quite frankly a little more respectful about things like that. Chris especially doesn't deserve to have me harp on him about nothingness when there is something I should come out and say.<br />
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2) When you take my age, education, career and life experience and combine it with an underlying insecurity and sometimes downright disliking of myself an interesting thing happens. I have a habit of projecting an air of thinking I'm super awesome (as I believe someone with my age, education, career and life experiences should be) and since it's so much work given my underlying insecurity I really throw myself into the act. This full commitment requires a little bit of focus, which can lead me to being slightly less considerate of the thoughts and feelings of the people around me. One of the very first things that Chris ever said to me, in the history of ever, was that I was a little brash. I try so hard to distract myself from insecurity and discomfort that it is sometimes becomes at the expense of others. The worst part? I don't even notice it on most occasions. It's almost funny because my day is filled with listening to other people, really really listening, watching their body language, and monitoring my body language and what I say very closely. It's my job. So when I think about how many people are surprised by what I do, and to hear that I'm rather good at it, it starts to make sense in a really messed up way. So I'm working on paying more attention in my personal life. Being more careful not to offend people even if I might feel like they aren't worth the attention.<br />
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3) With that last comment I think it's obvious what the next one is. I've had to make some apologies. I have said and done things without consideration to how it might make people feel. Most of the time it was pure negligence.. I didn't even consider it because I was wrapped up in keeping my facade of happiness up and I had that act to worry about. Some of them, however, I just didn't care about offending or didn't realize that they may have become offended because these people are the type to keep it to themselves or brush over it with a joke. Now anyone who really knows me knows that, with very few exceptions, the last thing I want to do is hurt people. If I say or do something that upsets another person and it's brought to my attention I'm quick to try and explain and apologize right there. I hardly ever mean to offend people. The only time I can think of that being something I might enjoy was when I was younger and a certain person and I used to sit around and judge people. Retrospectively, I think it demonstrates how horribly insecure she must have been as well.<br />
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4) I really have to work on trusting people. I have a long history of people disappointing and hurting me, and I have always been the kind of person that needs to have their trust earned, I don't give it away. About 7 months ago I had this super duper series of events with people really hurting me in ways that were new and unexpected, and it seemed to happen just one after another, over and over again. When that happened I stopped being nice and sweet. I don't think I've done very much at all just to be kind to other people since then. True altruism has left my life, and it's only because I can't trust in other people. Being kind to others without the expectation of anything in return has the ability to make you vulnerable. I was blindsided by people left and right. People being cruel, inconsiderate, harsh, mean, vindictive, malicious, and being just plain bad people. The only reason that I was susceptible to that was because I had an underlying faith in humanity. I trusted that people were good with no evidence to support it. Since then I haven't trusted anyone, I've just been waiting for people to disappoint or hurt me. It is a defense that I don't like, and I really need to work on it. It will still take time and effort for people to earn my trust but I have to let the option exist, and lately it hasn't.<br />
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That's 4 of the many things I'm working on. I've got more, but lets not give it all away just yet. :) Of course the darling love that pointed them out didn't get into as much detail as I have, but sometimes this blog gets to be introspective. Now I won't say that Chris (and the rest of the world) doesn't have their own things to work on, but quite frankly that isn't my business to share all over on the internet. Not only that, but everyone has to get to the point where they're ready to work on things in their own time. Part of growing up is realizing that you can't dictate the life development of other people. That's a lesson that some people never learn.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><b style="color: #134f5c;">Every day we grow and learn. Our lives and personalities are fluid even if we don't realize it. We'd be boring as a race if we weren't. The trick is to notice how you're growing and changing, own it, and make it into something that you want.</b></div>Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-7328772432173614712011-12-29T18:47:00.000-08:002011-12-29T18:47:58.897-08:00For the love of many things. Most of us have a passion or two, things that will never fail to make us happy. For some it's sports, for others it can be work, and for most of us we develop a passion for other people. It's an interesting idea that our passions are encouraged to develop in most areas, but not in others.<br />
Last night I somehow had the opportunity to discuss (in painful detail) my love and admiration for psychology and some of the amazing minds in my field. In the same night, with the same people, I got to lose my brain over hockey, and not just any hockey but my favorite team in the history of hockey... Including the history of my favorite team. I may have gone on to a tangent about my love of baking, love for learning, and love of my friends as well as my future husband. I was able to gush for hours about the things that make me lose my head with passion, and it got me thinking.<br />
In academia we are forced to pigeon hole ourselves into one specific field. We have to choose something to specialize in and focus our studies on that one thing. Why is that? Why do we have to decide on just one thing to learn everything about, even if it is permissible to continue learning in a peripheral way about other things? What's wrong with wanting to know everything that there is to know about, well, everything?<br />
I understand this concept of a Jack of all trades but a master of none. I recognize that it is more desirable to have a specialty. I recognize the benefits of these things, but I also think there is a benefit in continuing to learn about everything, isn't there? How can you know that you've found the thing that will entertain you forever if you haven't found everything? Basically, why would you ever want to stop learning if it means that you might miss out on something that could be your one true passion?<br />
I'm sure that my reluctance to stop learning has to do with the fact that, while I find myself passionate about everything, no one topic rises above and beyond the rest. I love psychology, and every time I learn something new I find it incredibly interesting. I haven't found something that makes me want to stop learning to focus on one area. Perhaps it will come one day, but I simply haven't found it yet. I have a passion for my field, I love my work, and I love everything about it.<br />
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Sure, I don't have everything figured out just yet, but it'll get there!!Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7114580123127728830.post-16743852149701485462011-12-24T22:40:00.000-08:002011-12-24T22:40:31.476-08:00So this is Christmas. Anyone who knows me knows that Christmas is one of my favorite holidays. I love cards and presents, I love helping make other people happy, and I love having my family together. At this age I don't want for much, so receiving gifts is even more exciting because I never know what creative and wonderful things my loved ones will find for me. It is a magical and wonderful time for me, and I only hope to spread that feeling with everyone else.<br />
Needless to say, I can't help reflecting back on years passed and the way that thing used to be. Last year was the first that Chris got to spend with us, making it special and the first of many, creating an addition to our traditions that I can't imagine changing. Last year we also had that individual that I hold many unfavorable feelings towards in our home, trying to allow her to feel like she was part of the family, and having the gesture thrown back in our faces while she went all over the state, disregarding the care that had been given to her and being selfish beyond belief. It was the beginning of my life with Chris, and the end of my life with her. It was interesting to say the least, and as much as I wish I hadn't wasted time and love on an ungrateful bitch I wouldn't change any of it for the world.<br />
Things happen for a reason, and people come and go. The greatest gift we can give one another is our love and affection, and those things are abundant in my life. I am blessed with a family that is healthy and happy, pets that bring joy through their constant silliness, and a comfortable home that radiates love and happiness. Sure, I have trouble now and again just like everyone else, but I have a support system that helps me at every turn.<br />
A while ago I was feeling like I had a void in the area of friendship, but even that has been filled. A lady that I find engaging, fun, and super attractive is moving into the city so I hope I will finally be able to actually go and see her, enjoying music and laughter as well as the companionship of a female, which is difficult for me. I don't trust bitches. In addition, I've acquired a friend of the opposite gender that genuinely doesn't base our friendship on the idea of eventually having sex with me (a novel concept for men) and also respects the sanctity of my relationship. Sure, I can't be close to my seven hundred and something friends on facebook, but I am perfectly happy with the ones I do have.<br />
One more piece of this extended family that I'm gaining is Chris's wonderful family and friends. They are wonderful to him, and that means the world to me. When you truly love someone, you are forced to love the people close to them, and I'm glad that the people that have joined my life through Chris are so good and loving. While he was away I was even able to turn to his friends for council and support. I suppose they happen to be new friends too.<br />
All in all I would say that this year has helped me to grow and develop. I've gone through periods of complete depression, loss of faith in humanity, achieving my masters degree, getting engaged, realizing that no matter how much you give to people they will always want more (and some people just aren't worth it), deciding that I never want to have friends that I would try to count on again, terminating that decision, learning how to accept the help of others, seeing one of the people I hold most dear marry the love of her life, beginning a career, and growing more confident in myself and my decisions. I couldn't have done any of this without the people I love, and I'm glad that I've got such phenomenal people to help me through the process, whether their part has been keeping me grounded, boosting me up, or simply being someone to lean on.<br />
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This last year has helped me realize that I am lucky, blessed and determined. Regardless of where I go from here, I know that it will be in the right direction so long as I have the world I've worked so hard to create around me.Daniellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00939177045457310938noreply@blogger.com0