(Hopefully) The true end to a chapter.

    Today I had the conversation with LCCWB that I intend to be the last. She's "ready to bury the hatchet" but she "just doesn't know if we can be friends" after what I did. It's laughable to a point, in several ways. One being that I'm really uncertain if she understands half the words and phrases she uses, such as 'accepting apologies' and 'forgive.' These are things she can say, but obviously doesn't know how to do.
    As obviously painful as it is to watch an era end, and knowing full well that with LCCWB it won't be the complete end (as soon as she needs something I have she'll be back to trying to be best friends and acting like nothing ever happened), I'm genuinely glad. It's unfortunate, especially after I put my pride to the side and was willing to forgive her offenses just to preserve a friendship and she wasn't, but it's good for me, my fiance and my family... both the one I have now and the one Chris and I will have in the future. Friends take risks on one another all the time, we gamble by trusting other human beings, and a gamble on LCCWB has never payed off. I hate gambling with money, but for some reason I've continued to gamble with more important things such as my health and happiness, betting on her and losing every time.
    I've thought about what Georgie boy said (we all know I give things too much thought): "in two years LCCWB and frends will be living much better lives and be a hell of a lot happier than you could ever dream of being." And in regard to that, in the past few days, the ones where I've made my decision on her before hearing her's on me, I've been happier than I ever thought I could be. I always thought that the things dragging me down were the men I chose, the work I do, the anxiety disorder I have, etc. etc. Now I believe that I was being dragged down by the company I chose to keep. Like I said in the last post, we may not have a thousand best friends, but Chris and I are in the process of surrounding ourselves with people we can really trust and turn to, no matter what. People that are understanding and phenomenal, who can provide reciprocal relationships, never putting us in the awkward position of giving until we're uncomfortable with nothing in return, and never disrespecting us or our families.
    The bliss that comes from having a truly supportive partnership is something that I'm fairly certain only people who have one can understand. Even after a tiny (and drunken) tiff last night, I fell asleep in the arms of someone that I know I'll always have to turn to. He supports what I want to do, going so far as to work 2 and sometimes even 3 jobs so I can do my research and choose my doctoral program carefully while going to school himself. I try my best to be a good housewife in training (since I can't consider research or education as a career unless they pay the bills) and he continues to work his ass off to make sure our ends meet. We have an understanding that surpasses spoken conversation, and he knows that if our roles were reversed I'd do whatever it took to support his passion. That silly boy actually believes I'm sacrificing by being supportive about the long hours he'll have in medical school. I've got him fooled!! The least I can do at this point is pack a lunch and stay up late for him to get home from school and work.
   I'm so glad this chapter of drama is over, so now I just have to worry about the normal stuff, like if my 4 bridesmaids (who don't know for sure who they are yet, and I'm fairly certain at least 1 has NO idea whatsoever) don't like their dresses, and if everything can be fit into a vision that somehow involves star wars (my nerd of a husband to be!). After the past 3 weeks (precisely one day after we got engaged, the day the drama started with LCCWB) I'm pretty sure we can handle anything, especially if we take it on together.


To take from Ann Frank, "Despite all that has happened, I still believe people are good at heart." Unfortunately hearts don't always show at the surface.

Here's your kittens, angry people!

Doing what's "right" can be wrong.

     In keeping with the theme, I continued with frustration about LCCWB until the day before our on-again off-again zen post. So much so that I really began to doubt whether or not I was doing the right thing by standing up for myself. I broke down, and called her. I apologized for everything and took blame that isn't mine, while listening to her berate me about how everything I said about her was lies and I'm not a trustworthy person. This from the individual that has admittedly lied to me on several occasions, as well as not being there when I needed her most. After "accepting" my apology she's demanded that my blog be made private and that I take down the links from facebook, and make a public statement that all of it was lies if I want to be friends.

Needless to say, that won't be happening. I did what she asked in that I deleted the direct posts on facebook, and asked her to return the courtesy by posting on her facebook (not clever enough to blog I suppose) and tell people that I'm not a horrible slanderous individual. To act like my friend. This is apparently out of her reach. She refused tactlessly, and we're essentially where we started the day. Even trying to be the bigger person and make things right can somehow be construed as being a bad person with LCCBW. It's amazing.

After a conversation longer than she's worth I ended up leaving my husband to be to fact check a little bit. She obviously claimed that everything I said was a boldfaced lie, and I wanted to make sure. So for the record to stand everything that I wrote about her relationship with my mother and her actions while under our roof was completely true, from not meeting financial obligations, taking drugs and even hitting my mother's car. Her exit from our home was tumultuous as I previously reported and contrary to her statements. Neither my sister nor mother recall a civil goodbye from her.

She also seems to have forgotten about her relationship problems before the current one (which btw, we didn't even get into the lies she tells her current boyfriend... my mom feels strongly enough about that to share that one with him if she ever gets the opportunity. I feel like that's something he should find out himself) so she claims all of that was a lie as well.

The other things she admits to, but still claims that everything I wrote was a lie. When an individual's held definitions are in contrast to reality there is no reasoning. Unfortunately it is my (not so) professional (but rather educated) opinion that LCCBW has deteriorated into a sickening state of borderline personality disorder. In case you don't know, borderline clients are the type that psychologists avoid like the plague unless they have problems of their own, if for no other reason than that they will make every attempt to actively consume your life. They need to be the center of everything that goes on around them, and if they are not their life doesn't feel complete. In this instance, somehow my engagement and the planning of the rest of my life has to have her at the center.

In the past it may have. We planned to grow up together, live next door to one another, have children around the same time, and do everything we could together. Not anymore. I'm no longer interested in associating with someone so filled with lies and toxicity. I can't fix her, I no longer feel responsible for assuring her well-being as I have for the past 18 years, and I highly doubt any amount of therapy or medication can either.

In the end of our conversation she said she "really needed some time to think about whether we could be friends." That was four days ago. This came after I compromised with her terms. That simple statement has made it abundantly clear to me. If someone says that they were angry and made a mistake (which she admits she's done), whether they believe it or not, and apologize, if you can't take that at face value, add it to the nearly 2 decades of friendship, and put it behind you, then it supports my theory of parasitic behavior. It's now clear that I won't be useful to be used for her benefit anymore, and I believe that this realization is what makes her "need to think" about it. The people around me and myself included believe that she's taking this time to figure out if there's any obvious benefit for her in continuing our relationship. I hope that by this point it's obvious that her decision on our relationship doesn't matter, I've made mine.

At least these actions help me to see who I really want to be in my life. The lapse of judgement I had in asking her to grow up and come back was silly, and I should stand firm on my original idea. She needs to make up for what she's done. Until then, the offenses against me stand.