Come with me, my love....

     I've been in Georgia for a while now, and just like being anywhere would it's helping me grow into the person I will be. Too many people let their growth stagnate once they've reached adulthood or achieved certain milestones and that's something I promised myself I never would. As human beings we should never stop growing or changing. We have to adapt and develop while keeping the things we're pleased with even if we feel "complete" and quite frankly, I've never met a person who has been completely happy with themselves that's ended their development.

     This one really isn't about me. It's about Chris. He's done some changing and some difficult staying the same. We came to Georgia to spend time with his family and be a part of it. We wanted to help his grandfather and do what we could to be a part of the life his family has here just like we did with my family. We both knew that this change would be difficult for me since I've had an irrational fear of anything below the Mason-Dixon line and have spent my whole life in the Philadelphia area with the exception of college, which I also spent in Pennsylvania.
    Chris, however, was ready for a change. Changing to be with his family made perfect sense. He has always had a deep seated care for his family, even from far away. This is a place that he's always felt like was his home. The place where he was born and the place he knew he could always come home to. So we came home for him.
    No matter what plans people make or how many different endings they can see things have a way of changing. Situations are rarely what we believe them to be when we see them. It is only when you're in these situations that you can see everything, experience everything, and make decisions about everything. It reminds me of a place I used to go often, a house on a hill across from a farm. This farm had fields and fields of whatever it was that they grew and a house that sat on top of the hill. I'd taken a photo of it to look at when I was away. The photograph couldn't capture the intricacy of the place's reality. Now I know this is true of almost everything.
    Without getting into too much detail, things here weren't exactly as they were portrayed to us before we came, or even when we first arrived. It has taken being here for some time to get a fuller picture. This new information comes with it's challenges. Reason dictates that we change our plans, goals, and objectives based on the new information we gain. There is only one problem with that reason. What if our original goals and objectives were to care for people that we care about? To become a part of what is, not change it to what we believe it could be? What if our main priority is simply to care about and learn about what has been in with a place or person so that we can take the things we have grown to love into ourselves so that we can carry them on to the rest of out lives? And what if the things we believed in were somehow threatened or endangered? What do we do then?
    Christopher has done an amazing job here. First with helping out in little ways that were appreciated, from cutting the grass to making sure the correct lights are on at night. He's grown in his own ways and that growth has helped him become a true man in the eyes of the man that he wanted to grow up to be. In becoming that man he's been able to become his friend as well. While this may seem small to so many it is so big. When you can become adult enough to transcend the relationship you've always known and valued and also become a friend to one of the most important people in your life you've reached a point that so many never do. I'd like to think that my mother and I developed into friends years ago, and knowing that I have her respect on that level with her being my model for adulthood means more than people can understand.
     Back from that tangent things here have changed a bit. It would be easy to abandon the goals and objectives that were originally held. This would be easier if it felt like no one around you held those same objectives, or had a pattern of behavior that seems easier than doing things the way we believe to be right. Even with this knowledge and the blatant behaviors of others my darling has remained strong in his conviction. He could have easily let go of his principles and gone with the flow of others. He could get up and leave whenever he pleased so that he doesn't have to witness events or behaviors that cause him discomfort, displeasure, or discontent. He could ignore the events around him and try to go on about his daily life, trying to keep it away while he worked towards the life goals that he's set out to achieve. All of this would be easier than continuing on, caring for people that we care about, becoming a part of what is, not change it to what we believe it could be, simply caring about and learning about what has been with a place or person so that we can take the things we have grown to love into ourselves so that we can carry them on to the rest of out lives.
     Chris carries on with these goals, with one addition: preservation. He continues to work towards the goals we've had and preserve the lifestyle and wellbeing of the people who have helped him become the man that he is, and will continue to be. The simple fact that he has been able to hold fast to the things that he cares for, and dedicate himself so fully, is absolutely heartwarming. It helps me to remember that I've chosen the man I will marry carefully, and for this I am grateful.

Georgia On My Mind

     It's been 3 months since my last blog entry, and 3 months since I left the lovely greater Philadelphia area. A lot has changed but the important things stay the same. My lovely brother-in-law to be got a long story about my relationship with Chris last night, and part of it had to do with this blog. He was interested so I guess I'm inspired even though I've just been writing on paper lately. Lets just call this one an update blog.
     I got to Georgia without event. The two day trip wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and my lovely kitty made it just fine. Thankfully my mother was kind enough to get us a pet friendly hotel room to break up the trip. The first thing that Chris fed me once we were deep enough south was Krystal's. For anyone who doesn't know they make these little steamed hamburgers. I don't like them but they're one of Chris's favorites.
     Everyone here has been very sweet to me, making sure that I have anything that I need. They've been helpful and caring, aiding in my search for local doctors of all types. When I came here a large part of it was to help me work on myself and get as healthy (body and brain) as possible so that I could be back to 100% at home and eventually at work again. We have finally found what I think will be everything I need as far as doctors go.
     Chris and I have made massive wedding progress. We have decided that we'll be getting married in the chapel that his grandparents, the only couple we know that stayed together, were married in back in the 1940s. We settled on a very small guest list of family and very close friends. We found a lovely place for our reception across the state line in Chattanooga. We made a super cute save the date and sent them out to our tiny guest list. My mom came to visit in the middle of this month and we found my dress in Atlanta. We still need fairly little things like a baker, my hair and makeup stylist, a florist, and choosing the invitations. Chris has been so helpful with all of this that I'm not remotely worried about getting them done. If for some reason you want to see more about our super sweet wedding you can check out our site here: http://harrisandgaudioso.ourwedding.com/
      Chris's family is doing fairly well, although I'm pretty self absorbed between finding doctors, getting a staph infection, and trying to get my head in order. Fairly recently Chris's mom has gone to stay with her boyfriend and his brother has come to stay at his granddad's house like us. Its wonderful to have the chance to be around and really get to know his family, especially with how much time he spent with mine.
      Some people ask me how or why I came here. They don't understand how a person can quit their job, leave their home, be away from their family and everything they've ever known. It's really really simple. It's Chris's turn to be there for his family. He spent years with me in Pennsylvania while I finished my degree and established my career. He helped to create Christmas and was there for birthdays. He acted as a part of my family and showed them that he would be good to me for the rest of our lives. Now it's time for the roles to change and me to take on getting to know families and do what I can to support him and help out. I've become a firm believer in the concept of taking turns and supporting each other evenly. It helps to avoid resentment and give each other what they need.

Long story short, I'm glad that I decided to come here. The slower place of life is a nice change, leaving work and taking a break was necessary. If anybody isn't sure if they should take a leap like this I think I'd tell them they should.

   

(Hopefully) The true end to a chapter.

    Today I had the conversation with LCCWB that I intend to be the last. She's "ready to bury the hatchet" but she "just doesn't know if we can be friends" after what I did. It's laughable to a point, in several ways. One being that I'm really uncertain if she understands half the words and phrases she uses, such as 'accepting apologies' and 'forgive.' These are things she can say, but obviously doesn't know how to do.
    As obviously painful as it is to watch an era end, and knowing full well that with LCCWB it won't be the complete end (as soon as she needs something I have she'll be back to trying to be best friends and acting like nothing ever happened), I'm genuinely glad. It's unfortunate, especially after I put my pride to the side and was willing to forgive her offenses just to preserve a friendship and she wasn't, but it's good for me, my fiance and my family... both the one I have now and the one Chris and I will have in the future. Friends take risks on one another all the time, we gamble by trusting other human beings, and a gamble on LCCWB has never payed off. I hate gambling with money, but for some reason I've continued to gamble with more important things such as my health and happiness, betting on her and losing every time.
    I've thought about what Georgie boy said (we all know I give things too much thought): "in two years LCCWB and frends will be living much better lives and be a hell of a lot happier than you could ever dream of being." And in regard to that, in the past few days, the ones where I've made my decision on her before hearing her's on me, I've been happier than I ever thought I could be. I always thought that the things dragging me down were the men I chose, the work I do, the anxiety disorder I have, etc. etc. Now I believe that I was being dragged down by the company I chose to keep. Like I said in the last post, we may not have a thousand best friends, but Chris and I are in the process of surrounding ourselves with people we can really trust and turn to, no matter what. People that are understanding and phenomenal, who can provide reciprocal relationships, never putting us in the awkward position of giving until we're uncomfortable with nothing in return, and never disrespecting us or our families.
    The bliss that comes from having a truly supportive partnership is something that I'm fairly certain only people who have one can understand. Even after a tiny (and drunken) tiff last night, I fell asleep in the arms of someone that I know I'll always have to turn to. He supports what I want to do, going so far as to work 2 and sometimes even 3 jobs so I can do my research and choose my doctoral program carefully while going to school himself. I try my best to be a good housewife in training (since I can't consider research or education as a career unless they pay the bills) and he continues to work his ass off to make sure our ends meet. We have an understanding that surpasses spoken conversation, and he knows that if our roles were reversed I'd do whatever it took to support his passion. That silly boy actually believes I'm sacrificing by being supportive about the long hours he'll have in medical school. I've got him fooled!! The least I can do at this point is pack a lunch and stay up late for him to get home from school and work.
   I'm so glad this chapter of drama is over, so now I just have to worry about the normal stuff, like if my 4 bridesmaids (who don't know for sure who they are yet, and I'm fairly certain at least 1 has NO idea whatsoever) don't like their dresses, and if everything can be fit into a vision that somehow involves star wars (my nerd of a husband to be!). After the past 3 weeks (precisely one day after we got engaged, the day the drama started with LCCWB) I'm pretty sure we can handle anything, especially if we take it on together.


To take from Ann Frank, "Despite all that has happened, I still believe people are good at heart." Unfortunately hearts don't always show at the surface.

Here's your kittens, angry people!