Christmas Cards

    So lately I've been working on my Christmas cards. (If you want to get a little Christmas [or plain holiday] joy in the mail email me, facebook me, text, whatever... your address and I'll make sure you get some love too.) Looking at the cards I'm sending out really made me notice how much has changed in a year. I know I have a tendency to focus on the negatives, the things I've lost and the things I'm unhappy with, but change can be a global thing and in this case it is. Sometimes when things change so drastically we like to say that we've stayed the same, it's just the people around us who have changed. This time I'm proud to say that it's me that's changed, and I'm glad for it.
    This year I'm sending out a lot more cards, trying to spread a lot of joy and remind people I care about that I'm still here. Two people have been struck from the list and my life, two of the people that this time last year I considered to be two of my very best friends. These two people were in my life for years and now are no longer welcome in any way. They are now the type of people that I wouldn't even wave to if I saw them. They are people that I had extremely unbalanced relationships with, relationships where I gave them everything I had and got very little in return. Of course true friendship isn't about what you can get from others... but in retrospect I find it really painful to see the lack of respect that they held for me when I was doing everything I could to treat them well. Even with this realization, it hurts to know that these relationships that I invested so much time into are over and gone. This feeling makes me have to really look at myself and try to figure out why I would miss people that didn't treat me well and only made me feel worse about myself, while alienating people that could make me happy. While I try to figure all of that out I recognize that I have changed. I've grown to a point where I can see past the facade that other people put out of being a "friend" while they are really just using you for their own benefit. Granted, it adds to my trust issues and causes me to question the motivation of most people in my world, but I feel like I'll be protecting myself in the long run.
    Last year I was still in school. I was working towards an accomplishment that, while I didn't see how big of a deal it was, only 7.62% of people in the United States over the age of 25 have accomplished. This figure ranges from 6-8% of people overall depending on where you get the statistic, so I picked one on the high end. Master's degrees aren't easy to accomplish. I recognize now how big of a deal it is, and how it makes me far more marketable. I'm really lucky that I can do good work and really help people in need. Granted my field is not one that makes seriously huge amounts of money, but I can work flexibly and pay my bills, and when I go home at night I know that I'm doing something, even if it is something small, to make the world a better place. In addition, I have the luxury of being able to move if I need to, and still be able to make a living. I've got a great job that I love right now, and I am looking for an even better one, just because I can.
    One year ago I was preparing for an interesting Christmas, opening my home to people that had nowhere else to go and no other families that they could spend it with. I let these people act as members of my family and gave them all of the love and appreciation I give to my own family. Now I've cut one of those people out completely, and am preparing to bring the other home because we are starting a family of our own. That isn't to say I'm pregnant, just to clarify, but rather that this person will be in my life forever and every Christmas will be spent with him.
    I've changed a lot in a year. I've made concious choices about my life and what I deserve, let people that weren't worth it go, taken a stand on the harassment some people feel is appropriate, started a career, said "yes" to a marriage proposal, recognized what is truly important, and grown as a person. I'm proud of everything I've done in the past year and I'm excited for what I may get to do in the next year. I've never been a new years resolution person because I don't think you should need a new year to make changes. The kind of person I am, however, is a loving, caring daughter and fiance, a dedicated mental health professional, and an ambitious student. I am the kind of person who may take things hard because I dedicate myself 100% to the things that matter to me. I give more than I expect to get, and I want to make a difference. I'm looking at life closer now so that I can see what I need to do to continue to be the person I want to be. No matter what happens I will make decisions I can live with, and I most certainly will not have regrets.

Live, laugh, love. Give yourself to the world. Don't be afraid to get hurt. Keep people who love you closer than anyone else. This is what I've found makes daily life most enjoyable. Hopefully whatever you're doing works for you.

<3
   

(Hopefully) The true end to a chapter.

    Today I had the conversation with LCCWB that I intend to be the last. She's "ready to bury the hatchet" but she "just doesn't know if we can be friends" after what I did. It's laughable to a point, in several ways. One being that I'm really uncertain if she understands half the words and phrases she uses, such as 'accepting apologies' and 'forgive.' These are things she can say, but obviously doesn't know how to do.
    As obviously painful as it is to watch an era end, and knowing full well that with LCCWB it won't be the complete end (as soon as she needs something I have she'll be back to trying to be best friends and acting like nothing ever happened), I'm genuinely glad. It's unfortunate, especially after I put my pride to the side and was willing to forgive her offenses just to preserve a friendship and she wasn't, but it's good for me, my fiance and my family... both the one I have now and the one Chris and I will have in the future. Friends take risks on one another all the time, we gamble by trusting other human beings, and a gamble on LCCWB has never payed off. I hate gambling with money, but for some reason I've continued to gamble with more important things such as my health and happiness, betting on her and losing every time.
    I've thought about what Georgie boy said (we all know I give things too much thought): "in two years LCCWB and frends will be living much better lives and be a hell of a lot happier than you could ever dream of being." And in regard to that, in the past few days, the ones where I've made my decision on her before hearing her's on me, I've been happier than I ever thought I could be. I always thought that the things dragging me down were the men I chose, the work I do, the anxiety disorder I have, etc. etc. Now I believe that I was being dragged down by the company I chose to keep. Like I said in the last post, we may not have a thousand best friends, but Chris and I are in the process of surrounding ourselves with people we can really trust and turn to, no matter what. People that are understanding and phenomenal, who can provide reciprocal relationships, never putting us in the awkward position of giving until we're uncomfortable with nothing in return, and never disrespecting us or our families.
    The bliss that comes from having a truly supportive partnership is something that I'm fairly certain only people who have one can understand. Even after a tiny (and drunken) tiff last night, I fell asleep in the arms of someone that I know I'll always have to turn to. He supports what I want to do, going so far as to work 2 and sometimes even 3 jobs so I can do my research and choose my doctoral program carefully while going to school himself. I try my best to be a good housewife in training (since I can't consider research or education as a career unless they pay the bills) and he continues to work his ass off to make sure our ends meet. We have an understanding that surpasses spoken conversation, and he knows that if our roles were reversed I'd do whatever it took to support his passion. That silly boy actually believes I'm sacrificing by being supportive about the long hours he'll have in medical school. I've got him fooled!! The least I can do at this point is pack a lunch and stay up late for him to get home from school and work.
   I'm so glad this chapter of drama is over, so now I just have to worry about the normal stuff, like if my 4 bridesmaids (who don't know for sure who they are yet, and I'm fairly certain at least 1 has NO idea whatsoever) don't like their dresses, and if everything can be fit into a vision that somehow involves star wars (my nerd of a husband to be!). After the past 3 weeks (precisely one day after we got engaged, the day the drama started with LCCWB) I'm pretty sure we can handle anything, especially if we take it on together.


To take from Ann Frank, "Despite all that has happened, I still believe people are good at heart." Unfortunately hearts don't always show at the surface.

Here's your kittens, angry people!