Georgia On My Mind

     It's been 3 months since my last blog entry, and 3 months since I left the lovely greater Philadelphia area. A lot has changed but the important things stay the same. My lovely brother-in-law to be got a long story about my relationship with Chris last night, and part of it had to do with this blog. He was interested so I guess I'm inspired even though I've just been writing on paper lately. Lets just call this one an update blog.
     I got to Georgia without event. The two day trip wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and my lovely kitty made it just fine. Thankfully my mother was kind enough to get us a pet friendly hotel room to break up the trip. The first thing that Chris fed me once we were deep enough south was Krystal's. For anyone who doesn't know they make these little steamed hamburgers. I don't like them but they're one of Chris's favorites.
     Everyone here has been very sweet to me, making sure that I have anything that I need. They've been helpful and caring, aiding in my search for local doctors of all types. When I came here a large part of it was to help me work on myself and get as healthy (body and brain) as possible so that I could be back to 100% at home and eventually at work again. We have finally found what I think will be everything I need as far as doctors go.
     Chris and I have made massive wedding progress. We have decided that we'll be getting married in the chapel that his grandparents, the only couple we know that stayed together, were married in back in the 1940s. We settled on a very small guest list of family and very close friends. We found a lovely place for our reception across the state line in Chattanooga. We made a super cute save the date and sent them out to our tiny guest list. My mom came to visit in the middle of this month and we found my dress in Atlanta. We still need fairly little things like a baker, my hair and makeup stylist, a florist, and choosing the invitations. Chris has been so helpful with all of this that I'm not remotely worried about getting them done. If for some reason you want to see more about our super sweet wedding you can check out our site here: http://harrisandgaudioso.ourwedding.com/
      Chris's family is doing fairly well, although I'm pretty self absorbed between finding doctors, getting a staph infection, and trying to get my head in order. Fairly recently Chris's mom has gone to stay with her boyfriend and his brother has come to stay at his granddad's house like us. Its wonderful to have the chance to be around and really get to know his family, especially with how much time he spent with mine.
      Some people ask me how or why I came here. They don't understand how a person can quit their job, leave their home, be away from their family and everything they've ever known. It's really really simple. It's Chris's turn to be there for his family. He spent years with me in Pennsylvania while I finished my degree and established my career. He helped to create Christmas and was there for birthdays. He acted as a part of my family and showed them that he would be good to me for the rest of our lives. Now it's time for the roles to change and me to take on getting to know families and do what I can to support him and help out. I've become a firm believer in the concept of taking turns and supporting each other evenly. It helps to avoid resentment and give each other what they need.

Long story short, I'm glad that I decided to come here. The slower place of life is a nice change, leaving work and taking a break was necessary. If anybody isn't sure if they should take a leap like this I think I'd tell them they should.

   

Tis The Season!

Hey now, don't worry, I haven't forgotten about my darling blog. I've just been busy! I know a couple of the pople who read are fairly regular readers and can become concerned when I haven't written in a while. I may let the entries get farther apart, but I highly doubt I'll be ending the writing I do here any time soon. It's too much of a stress relieving tool for me to let go! So take this awesome web comic and don't worry.

Here it is:

     With Christmas coming up and Thanksgiving just having passed, this is a time of year that most people do a lot of thinking about their lives and the people in them. I, on the other hand, evaluate my life and it's direction regularly, and over the past 2 years have made a habit of paying attention to the people within it and how I feel about them regularly as well. It's kind of like New Year Resolutions. Some people need a certain time of year to inspire thought, analysis and change. I don't make New Year Resolutions because I think that it's silly to need a date on a calendar to make a change in your life. 

     Life changes constantly if you're doing it right. Stagnation (as far as I'm concerned) is a sign of failure. For life to be entertaining and productive I have to have change and motion. The change can be as simple as trying new types of therapy at my job, taking on new types of clients, or working towards adding new resources or programs. It can be more complex, like starting classes or applying to doctoral programs (I've successfully pushed of application for at least another year since I was nervous about it and didn't feel ready. Not my finest moment, but I know that if I start it before I'm ready I won't do as well as I can.). The changes for me can even manifest themselves as something much bigger like planning our wedding and our move. Side note: don't stress out anyone, the move isn't rapidly approaching or anything. It won't be for quite some time, it's just something I should prepare for so that everything goes smoothly and we can be happy with everything that we decide on.

     Now, over the past few months some of the changes in my life were forced upon me without my consent. Losing two of my ex-boyfriends, on of which was a really great friend of mine, forced me to adapt and evaluate certain things before I wanted to. When someone close to you in age, physical proximity and friendship is ripped from the fabric of your universe it can force you to look at many of the aspects of life. Kirk and I used to have a lot of very deep discussions about life, love, and the universe. Now I may have to deal with those deep thoughts on my own.

     Even with the loss of people that I love very much the analysis of my life had a positive result. 

First: I'm happy with my job. It can be really hard work and sometimes I hear awful, tragic stories of neglect, abuse, distorted thoughts, and many other things that can make a child's life difficult to live. That aspect of my work can be very difficult, but it drives me to do my job and constantly work to improve my skill set. For some of the kids I see I'm the closest thing to a functional adult that they have in their lives. Once we get over the irony of that statement and control the laughter that comes with it we can get back to the point, which is that I have the opportunity to change these children's lives. I can help them to repair some of the damage that has been done to them and help guide them to a healthier life, hopefully breaking a societal cycle for some of them. I've had some clients outwardly state that after seeing me they've not only made a conscious decision to do things differently than the people surrounding them, but also feel prepared for the changes and uphill battle that they may encounter. Hearing that from client's is amazing. It makes every tough session or cancellation worth it. I've also seen younger children grow and develop, with the work that I've done with them clearly having an effect on them, and sometimes having their parents tell me how much of a difference I've made. I'd still do my job out of love for the field without these rewards, but seeing and hearing these things may change me as much as I'm told I've changed others. I wish that everyone will at some people have experiences as rewarding as my job is.

Second: I'm happy with my personal life. I'm sad over my losses just like anyone would be. I sometimes find myself wishing that some things hadn't happened the way that they did. When this happens I take a look around and see that the people close to me are exactly what I want. The friends that I hold close are different than I've had in the past, and I now have reciprocal relationships (for the most part). Everyone will always have their melodramatic moments, myself included, but I'm finally around people that are not in a constant state of emotional emergency that they need me to fix for them. I finally have friends that are as interested in being supported and helped by me as they are in being helped and supported themselves. For the longest time I thought that friendships were just what I'd been a part of, one girl always needing, wanting, demanding time energy and attention. Those relationships were draining, and after a little while they started to feel more like obligations than friendships. Now I'm old enough and aware of my situation so I can choose my obligations, and I choose ones that have as much return as they require in output. I am fairly confident in my ability to judge character now and even though I might take my time trusting people or letting them get close to me, I judge better and I'm not afraid to admit when I made a mistake in letting a person into my life or keeping them out. I will work to remedy any mistakes that I've made. It's not easy to admit mistakes to yourself or others. Being able to do so takes effort and maturity.

Third: I'm happy with my family. Both the family I was born into and the one that I'm working on creating. Neither one is always easy. My biological family can be very difficult sometimes. It's hard to be a part of this family and have your own life sometimes. Caring for my sister, helping my mother, being an active daughter and sister in this atmosphere can be seriously challenging. Balancing this family and their needs with my own can be hard. Sometimes I have to change plans on very short notice. Sometimes I have to let my needs fall back until my family is taken care of and stable. Beyond needs is happiness, and my family's happiness is paramount. I would give almost anything to make and keep them happy, which sometimes means that I have to wait to help myself to do what they need. It's always been like that, so it isn't new. What's new is the balance I've been working towards and achieving more often. I'm proud of the growth that I've experienced, growth that helps my family and myself. The family I'm building has to try to grow while we maintain the family I was born into. Like a little sapling that's trying to grow in the shadow of a big, fully grown tree. The big tree gets the nutrients, the sunlight, and is seen by people. The sapling has the benefit of being protected by the bigger tree from threats and elements, but has to be strong and work harder because the big tree gets all of the nutrients and necessities, leaving the sapling with what's left. Our sapling is finding a way to get what it needs. That is a challenge. I'm proud of how strong and understanding my partner is. He makes sure our sapling grows. 

(That got super gross and sappy. Gag. Sorry about that.)

Fourth: I'm happy with the direction that I'm going. I'm working hard in almost every area of my life, including the leisure aspect. I've dedicated time and energy to becoming mentally healthy. Managing my anxiety and moods, working on relaxation, focusing on what I need to be a better, happier, and healthier person. I'm focused on today and the future. I'm ready for what life has to throw at me and I'm happy with the people who will be by my side when it comes. 

     I'll never stop missing the people I've lost, but I will always do my best to appreciate what they've done for me. No matter how a person has left my life I will keep the memory of how they have changed me (for better or worse) and attempt to appreciate it forever.

     So if you do New Years Resolutions, start looking at your life, decide what you like or dislike, attempt to appreciate every aspect of your life, and make changes as you see fit. Don't let other people dictate your life or decisions. Take control and take responsibility. When you own your decisions and create your life you can fix it, change it, and take pride in it. True autonomy. Being in control feels great!

Check out this super sweet drawing our security guard did for me!!!

P.S.-

Super duper congratulations are in order (even if they are a little late) to my friend Karla, who achieved her Masters of Psychology in the spring. Caring people make wonderful therapists, so I'm sure she'll be successful!

Also, for everyone who loves gossip and/or drama: The person whose part in my life inspired me to start this blog got engaged. I'm not sure why people want to tell me about what goes on in that girl's life, especially since she's not a part of mine anymore and I'm happy for that. Still, people want to share this kind of stuff with me for some reason. My suggestion to those of you that have told me you've developed some kind of feelings given how everything happened between us is this- be happy for her. I never dreamed of my wedding, and even being engaged for a year and a half I still don't know what I want, other than to spend the rest of my life with Chris. That girl has been waiting and wishing for a husband since I can remember and she'll finally have it. It's comprable to my masters degree. Something I always knew I wanted and was so excited to finally have. So if you know her, congratulate her. If you don't and have some feelings about her just because of me and that situation, add some good will to the pity that goes her way. 

Knowing how to say "I'm sorry."

    Working with small children the word "sorry" gets thrown around a lot. "It's ok" is another phrase that usually follows it. As children we learn that when we do something wrong we apologize (even if we aren't really sorry) and we also learn that when someone says they're sorry you accept their apology (even if you really don't).
     As adults we learn that we don't have to say that we're sorry if we aren't. Occasionally we may throw out an apology that we don't completely stand behind simply to move past a situation, keep the peace, appease others, or even just to look like a nice person. We apologize for many reasons, and not all of them are because we are sincerely sorry. More importantly we learn that we do not have to accept these apologies. We can listen to them or not, and make up our minds to let the situation go and accept the apology, accept it under conditions such as change in behavior or some type of penance, or not accept it at all and leave the apologizer to live with the knowledge that they have done something we feel is unforgivable. In the last situation we are presented with yet another decision, which is to continue in whatever type of relationship we were engaged in, or end said relationship due to the indiscretion.
    We learn these things as adults fairly early. Something I don't think we necessarily learn in a timely manner is when and how to be and say that we are sorry. We often believe that we are justified in our actions and have no desire to apologize for something justified. Sometimes we view the interaction as something that should not be held to be meaningful, leaving an apology unwarranted. In some situations we simply can't or won't take the time to attempt to understand the other side, learning how something we've done could possibly be upsetting or hurtful to another human being. If we do acquire these skills it can lead us to a whole new set of problems: a set of problems associated with another set of skills.
    Forgiveness. Not even just forgiveness, but sometimes the skill to hear a person out in their apology. Sometimes we are so hurt or upset that we don't even want to hear what a person could possibly have to say after they've done or said something so hurtful. Perhaps we even feel justified in punishing them by refusing to listen at all. These actions are our rights as humans, and we exercise them regularly.
    I bring this topic up not because of some recent slight against me or mistake made by me, but rather in reflection on a lot of things in my adult life. I have been considering my relationships with people and the ends of those relationships in contrast to those that have lasted. It occurs to me that I (to the best of my recollection) make it a point to at least listen to a persons apology if it is offered before I decide to accept or refuse it. I feel like it is crucial to make an informed decision. You made my baby sister cry? I'll never forgive you for it, but I'll certainly listen to whatever poor excuse or apology you have for it. And you know what, if the situation was that she had her period and you mentioned the name "Pat" and it threw her into a fit of tears because her friend Pat just died, I may just forgive you. We have a complex world, in which every single person is living a life that we don't necessarily know about. As far as I'm concerned, it's worth hearing someone out, even if you're pretty sure that I've made up my mind. It isn't smart to make a decision and stick to it without at least trying to gather all of the information.

     All of this said, I only wish that other people were as open to hearing what people have to say as I am. I've made mistakes, I've had people do things that have upset me. I think that if we could all simply focus on what is truly important and give each other a chance we would live happier lives. I mean, we chose these people to be in our lives at some point, didn't we? Why should we let a mistake end that relationship, especially without trying to understand how it happened first?

What goes into wedding vows?

    I think one of the most important things that will go into the vows I give to Chris on our wedding day will be a promise to stand by his side, no matter where life takes us. This is a promise I've already made to him quietly and off the record, but I think it is something to be said publicly for all of the people who matter to us to know. I will dedicate everything I can to supporting him in any decision he makes, especially because at this point his decisions are generally discussed with me first, which I really appreciate.
   Making this commitment doesn't seem like a big deal. He reciprocates. We will always be there for one another and make adjustments to what we want for ourselves to make sure each other are happy. It's a true partnership. It's nice to know that I'll always have someone there for me, and to know that someone else is counting on me a little bit as well.
    There is a scary aspect of this partnership as well. Knowing that at any point in time you could make a life changing decision not just for yourself, but for the person you love as well, is scary! What if you make the wrong decision? What if you support a decision that turns out to be worse than what was going on? What if you speak out against a decision that could have been the big break? How can you be secure in the decisions you make without having some psychic power?
    I guess what it comes down to is knowing that no matter what happens you will always have a partner. If you remember the hardest times that happened while you were together you can compare and contrast, and see the positives. For example, the hardest time that I think Chris and I had was probably when we first started dating. He had people in his life that I was uncomfortable with, we were hours away from one another, I had classes every day and they were scheduled when he was off of work so keeping communication open was difficult. I didn't have a job and before long he didn't either. Things were rough and sometimes we couldn't even have each other to lean on because of time and money. It was really hard. So, now even if we might be working too hard or super long hours, even if money is tight, even if we hate our jobs or make a wrong decision we get to come home at night to each other, and our little pets. Unlike the hardest times I can wake him up and feel his arms around me every night if I need to. I can always find time to talk to him about my life and problems, even though sometimes it might mean a little less sleep for both of us. No matter what happens in our lives, things will be better than they were at the beginning because of the changes we've made to our lives. We have a more secure relationship, better people in our lives and the stability of a relationship over time. Even if we get into a situation like we had in the past the simple advancement of our relationship will make it astronomically more bearable.
    I'm happy to be able to notice the growth of our relationship, and being able to appreciate it makes me even luckier.

New month, new day, new questions.

    Every day in this phase of life I'm coming up with questions that need to be answered. One of the biggest ones is obviously figuring out exactly what marriage is. I realize that while I've always considered being married, but never given too much thought as to what a good marriage should be. Needless to say, we're figuring it out. I know that I always thought I wouldn't want to live with someone until we were married, but Chris's proposal of moving in during our engagement has turned out to be wonderful. I haven't lived with anyone but my family and one unfortunate stray we let in since college. Now Chris and I have the chance to figure out exactly what each of us needs in a nice cozy 1 bedroom apartment. I'm learning what our marriage will be, and how to talk to him when I'm unhappy rather than just going to another room. It's not always easy, but I love it. Even when we have a tough time it ends up as a learning experience and we always seem to go to bed happy.
    A question that has come up recently (today actually) is how could a relationship that is built on lies survive? I'm so compulsively honest, especially with Chris, that I don't think I could possibly live day to day if I was keeping secrets from him, let alone actively lying to him. I understand omitting the occasional incriminating detail in the beginning of the relationship. Maybe we don't want our significant other to know just how many other people we've been with, or just how bad we've been in the past. We grow and change, and perhaps we want this new relationship to be a part of this "changed" us. I suppose it could be understandable. I'm lucky in my relationship with Chris, if for no other reason then I tried to scare him away from the start with the truth. I wasn't looking for a serious relationship, so I figured telling the complete truth right away might make him reconsider what he was getting into. It didn't work.
    My relationship aside, isn't there a point where you have to be honest or the relationship has to end? If you go on lying for a long period of time, wouldn't that in and of itself cause the relationship to end? Especially if you are lying about big, important things. If we lie about things, like being sick for instance, having something like a mental illness or an STD like herpes that doesn't necessarily show symptoms, at some point our partner will have to find out. Now I'm not talking about casual flings or one night stands (although if you have something potentially contagious you should always inform your sexual partners), I'm talking about relationships. At some point you'll have a slip, show a symptom, or their own inquisitiveness will bring them to notice something going on.
    Why would a person set themselves up to damage a relationship that they've built. It seems obvious that someone would be lying to their partner due to fear of losing the relationship if their secret was found out, but when the secret inevitably surfaces won't that damage the trust and put the relationship in jeopardy anyway?

Even with 5 years of studying psychology there are a lot of things I don't understand about people.

But I deserve better than this!

    How many times have each of us said or thought that statement? "I deserve better." Given that most of you are friends of mine I know you're pretty good people, and good people have a way of getting themselves into situations where they know they deserve better, but continue to deal with it for whatever reason. We know there is something better, or at least something wrong that needs to be fixed, and we keep dealing with it.
    In this particular moment in time this blog doesn't actually apply to me. For once I've stood up for myself and every time "but I deserve better" runs through my head I've decided to search for a better way. To rid myself of the situation or person that I deserve better than and move on. Set standards that I deserve to have met and only accept that standard. Sure, this makes me bitchy and mean in some peoples eyes, but it's made me happier than I've been since my super hedonistic days in high school. Back then I was happy because I didn't care much about anyone but myself, these days I'm happy because while still considering how my actions might affect others I'm putting myself first. There are obvious exceptions to the "me first" rule, such as my family and the fiance that I'm building a life with. They kind of land at the same level I'm putting myself at.
    This incredibly selfish way of dealing with the world is most likely offensive to some people, they believe that I should continue to put everyone else first and hope that there is some time and energy left over for me. Anyone who really knows me knows that I've been doing that for years and it makes me difficult to deal with. As melodramatic as it sounds, those close to me have seen me drive myself into the ground for other people while I let myself suffer to the point of exhaustion and pain that never gets assessed. Now, after choosing the people and situations I'll allow myself to be involved with, I've added on therapy, working out, weeding out the negative people in my life, and adding in regular bouts of laughter with friends and family. I make it a point to take time out for myself, and this is a novelty that I am really enjoying.
    Back to the topic at hand. We let ourselves suffer when we know we deserve better. We take jobs we hate, we know we deserve better ones with better pay doing something better, especially when we know we're more qualified than about 90% of other Americans. I'm not being cocky, that's just a statistic regarding the percentage of people with a masters degree. We allow ourselves to be trampled on in relationships when we know we deserve someone who loves us, cares for us, and can offer reciprocity. Whether romantic or friend relationships we know when we're in the right position, and we know when we deserve better, but we so often stay.
   Why do we put ourselves through this? Sometimes it's necessity. Sometimes we need jobs so badly we take ones that we're overqualified for and can't stand just to pay the bills. Sometimes we feel that we need relationships to sustain ourselves or some part of our lifestyle, although most of the time we're wrong in that aspect. Why else might we do it? I think that during the times when I let people treat me in a way I didn't deserve it was because, as crappy as it felt, I thought I deserved it. I believed that I had done something to deserve the treatment I was getting because no person would be so cruel to another unless they deserved it, right? Retrospectively, I was wrong. I felt guilty for no real reason and let people take advantage of it.
    Those were my reasons, but what are others? Now that I'm actively working to assess my life and keep it on the positive end I wonder why other people wouldn't do the same. The people who have told me forever that I'm too hard on myself, and told me that I deserve better, continue to let themselves be where I used to be. Abused and unappreciated by themselves and other people, in situations that they don't need to be in, they can't seem to see the forest through the trees.
    As difficult as the past few weeks have been for me to get through, making the change was a change for the better. I wish there was some way that I could let everyone know that they (most likely) deserve better. They simply have to stand up for themselves and realize what they actual deserve better on. For example, I don't deserve better than my family right now. No matter how hard it can be to run over to help out with my sister at the drop of a hat, or deal with issues with nursing care and the reliability of our help, the reward outweighs the downside, and it always will.
    So dear friends, what I'm saying is that you (probably) deserve better. Take a close look at your lives, see what makes you unhappy, analyze the risk/reward of keeping it around, and if whatever it is isn't necessary and at the same time isn't worth it, let it go. Live your life in the "better" realm. Don't let people continually rely on you, take from you, degrade you, make you feel as though you're not worth the time it takes to have a friendship and then expect you to do exactly the opposite. Build a life that you're comfortable in, and let everything else go.

 

lolz haterz. screw off! <3