And you can see the daisies in her footsteps!

    Young lovers across the world give each other mix tapes. It's phenomenon that we may never really understand. This Valentine's Day I thought I'd look over the first two tapes (CDs, but leave me the nostalgia or hipsterism of calling them tapes, please) I made for Chris. We're going to have to split them up, and honestly  I should split them even further. This is just tape #1, and it's got 24 tracks, so buckle up your seat belts, grab some headphones, and laugh.      
     Try to remember that I'd been way out of practice. Chris had not, he'd already given me at least one, maybe 3 by this point. I hadn't tried this for quite some time. Some of these songs have important lyrics, some of them have lyrics and explanations. You won't like all of them. So, with that in mind, lets give it a look?


Song Number 1: Let It Be Sung, Jack Johnson

"Why don't I just give you everything you'll take from me? 'Cuz nobody owns anything and everyone is free.... And I know what your heart is telling you, 'cuz my heart's telling me the same thing too."

This is adorable, and true. Things were complicated, but I was open at that point. I knew that Chris was different, special, and... well, I can't put words to it, but I knew it would stick.

Song #2 Here Comes Your Man

"There is a wait so long, you'll never wait so long, here comes your man."

Screw you if you say I didn't wait for this man. I had a chance to take on full lives with other people, but I couldn't settle for something or someone I'd eventually hate. 

Song #3 I Want To Know Your Plans, Say Anything

I shouldn't have to help anyone with this one...

Song #4 Put Your Hands On Me, Joss Stone

"I guess I'm picky with love .Well baby I give it up it's you I choose and don't keep me waiting. This girl's got things she needs to do. Oh if I was blind, you'd help me see. If I lost my mind, you'd find it for me. Speak on it babe, tell me what do you need, because all I need is for you to love me baby....

Can't stop my mind from thinking of you. How am I supposed to function? Got me feelin' for your lips on my kiss all night, never want no other lover."
Everyone's got a little modern soul, right? We all need some loving. ;)
Song #5 She's So Lovely, Scouting for Girls

"It's easy to tease me. You never ever look that pleased to see me. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know how we'll make it through this."
Things were not always easy, but he kept grabbing my attention.

Song #6 Voice On Tape, Jenny Owen Youngs

"And you say that I don't have this down,but I've been practicing out loud.I want you back and forth. I want you up and down. I want you back and forth......"
I wanted Chris however he was, no matter what. 

Song #7 Addicted to Company, Paddy Casey

"And is there something you're not sure of? Are you looking for a sign? Waiting for somebody to throw your heart a line? Or a quick and easy answer In a dark, uneasy time?Maybe that's alright. That's enough for tonight. And that's alright. That's enough for tonight."
We didn't have to be serious right away, it was ok. But we were anyway.

Song #8 Aeroplane Over The Sea, Neutral Milk Hotel

And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
Love to be
In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me

What a curious life
We have found here tonight
There is music that sounds from the street
There are lights in the clouds
Anna's ghost all around
Hear her voice as it's rolling and ringing through me
Soft and sweet
How the notes all bend and reach above the trees

Song #9 Everything, Michael Buble

"And you play it coy but it's kinda cute. Ah, when you smile at me you know exactly what you do. Baby don't pretend that you don't know it's true 'cause you can see it when I look at you. And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times It's you, it's you, you make me sing."
Chris loved my singing. I'd done an open mic before I gave him this awesome mix, and he said he wished he could be there. I wore something of his so that if I got nervous I could just squeeze, like I do with his hands.

Song #10 First Day of My Life, Bright Eyes

"Remember the time you drove all night just to meet me in the morning? And I thought it was strange you said everything changed. You felt as if you'd just woke up. And you said “this is the first day of my life. I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you, but now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you and I’d probably be happy.”
This one's super legit. Things used to matter to me pretty much a lot. Money, jobs, house, all of it. Chris changed that. 

Song #11 Tell Me Again, Ron Sexsmith

"You look into my eyes and the words you say help me to realize love won’t ever fade, but I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Please tell me again. No, I can’t believe what I’m feeling, please tell me again."
This girl had just gotten out of a serious relationship and had no plans for a new one. It was scary, but comforting at the same time. It was love.

Song #12 Sunday Morning, Maroon 5

"Sunday morning, rain is falling. Steal some covers, share some skin. Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable, you twist to fit the mold that I am in. But things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do and I would gladly hit the road, get up and go if I knew that someday it would lead me back to you."
But it doesn't always lead you back. I learned that and felt poorly about it for a little while. So there's no leaving this one... Not ever.

Song #13 F-Stop Blues, Jack Johnson

"Look who's laughing now that you've wasted how many years and you've barely even tasted anything remotely close to everything you've boasted about." 
Can we take a minute to appreciate this video? Love so much! In all seriousness. Chris had been in a long relationship. He even considered asking her to marry him at one point a long time ago. But he'd never lived life like he should have. I wanted to help, so we laughed together.

Song #14 Stupid Cupid, Mandy Moore 

"You mixed me up for good right from the very start. Hey, go play Robin Hood, with somebody else's heart. You've got me jumpin' like a crazy clown, and I don't feature what you're putting down. Since I kissed his loving lips of wine, the thing that bothers me is that I like it fine.

Hey hey, set me free. Stupid Cupid, stop picking on me."
Yea, this thing hit hard and fast. I loved it, but sometimes I felt like I was too much in love, way too early. NOT FAIR!

Song #15 Daydreamer, Adele

"Is the subject of their talk. He would be hard to chase but good to catch, and he could change the world with his hands behind his back."
Angie oh sorry, my ex best friend and I, used to talk about Chris and this other dude. All the time. At that point we both thought they could be that future one. Now I hear we're both marrying them, and I'm pleased. I'll have the rest of my life to see what changes to the world Chris can make. 

Song #16 Porchrail, Jenny Owen Youngs

"Don't move or blink, I just need a minute to sit and think. I've got a span of attention as long as my teeth. Every urge I let swing me turns tragically brief. There's nothing more attractive than that one thing you just can't have." 
It wasn't for sure yet. We had a way to go before we were solid, and I'm like a time bomb. Turns out he's a bomb diffusion technician. 

Song #17 Grey or Blue, Jaymay

Let's enjoy this serendipidy moment. 

"Are you too nervous to be lovers, friendships ruined with just one kiss. I watched you very closely I saw you look away your eyes are either gray or blue I'm never close enough to say. But your sweatshirt says it all with the hood over your face. I can't keep staring at your mouth without wondering how it tastes. I'm with another boy; he's asleep, I'm wide awake and he tried to win my heart, but it's taken time...I know the shape of your hands because I watch them when you talk, and I know the shape of your body 'cause I watch it when you walk, and I want to know it all but im giving you the lead. So go on, go on and take it, don't fake it"


Song #18 You're The Reason I Come Home, Ron Pope

"The street's asleep so I breathe you in deep. The tragedies of chemistry. People dream of what you and me have found effortlessly. You're the reason I come home. You're the reason I come home my love. You're the reason that when everything I know falls apart. You're the reason I come home."

It wasn't too long before we noticed that home was together. Now we try to be home as often as we can, no matter our geographical locations. 

Song #19 Sugar Town, Zooey Deschenel

"If I had a million dollars or ten, I'd give it to your world and then, you'd go away and let me spend my life in shu shu shu, shu shu shu, shu shu shu shu shu shu Sugar Town."


Song #20 She Gave Me Love, The Getaway People

"I met my baby by the station. She said: "Can I help you with some information?"'Cause your train gets out at a quarter to five, but you could stay a while, you and I could get funky to the rhythm of the choo-choo-train dancin' in the pourin' rain. I found myself in the most beautiful of situations..."
And I did find myself in the most beautiful of situations. In some whirlwind romance that I never asked for or expected. 

Song #21 405, Death Cab for Cutie

"Red wine and the cigarettes... hide your bad habits underneath the patio."
Everyone knows there are things we'd like to keep to ourselves. We don't all do it.


Song #22 Wouldn't It Be Nice, Beach Boys

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older 
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long 
And wouldn't it be nice to live together 
In the kind of world where we belong 

You know its gonna make it that much better 
When we can say goodnight and stay together 

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up 
In the morning when the day is new 
And after having spent the day together 
Hold each other close the whole night through 

Happy times together we've been spending 
I wish that every kiss was never ending 
Wouldn't it be nice 

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true 
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldnt do 
We could be married 
And then wed be happy 

Wouldn't it be nice 

You know it seems the more we talk about it 
It only makes it worse to live without it 
But lets talk about it 
Wouldn't it be nice

Song #23 You and I, Ingrid Michealson

"Maybe I think you're cute and funny, Maybe I wanna do want bunnies do with you if you know what I mean...
Well you might be a bit confused, and you might be a little bit bruised, but baby how we spoon like no one else. So I will help you read those books, if you will soothe my worried looks, and we will put the lonesome on the shelf."
This is the song I sang at the open mic, with the help of a dear friend of course. The song that by the end of singing I had letters and marks from the metal I was clutching super hard in my hand. Ever since then he started liking the song too. 


Song #24 Tomorrow Morning, Jack Johnson

Well that's alright
If that's alright
2000 miles were still
And that's alright
And that's alright
If that's alright
I'll see you in the morning
If that's alright
And what would you do if I wrote you a song
Would you give me some lovin' when I get home
Or would you be mad at me if I had a hard time
Gettin a hold of you
I try all the time
And I think that
You don't know anybody that could be
So bad
But if you did
You'd be wonderin' where I'm at
Well I'll be home when tomorrow mornin comes
What would you do if i sang you this song
The connection is bad but that's only the phone
'Cause when my words kiss your ear
I'll be right there
The message is long
'Cause baby this is your song
I think that
You don't know anybody that could be
So bad
But if you did
You'd be wonderin' where I'm at
Well I'll be home when tomorrow mornin
And I think that
You don't know anybody that could be
So bad
But if you did
You'd be wonderin' where I'm at
Well I'll be home when tomorrow mornin
And that's alright
'Cause I'll be home when tomorrow mornin
And that's alright
'Cause I'll be home when tomorrow mornin comes.

And it is alright. Because I get to be with him for the rest of our lives. I've made him promise to die first so I'd never have to be without him. Call it cheesy, call it lame, call it whatever you want. I'll just keep calling it love. 

 









I love you today, tomorrow and forever. Happy Valentine's day Chris. 

Tis The Season!

Hey now, don't worry, I haven't forgotten about my darling blog. I've just been busy! I know a couple of the pople who read are fairly regular readers and can become concerned when I haven't written in a while. I may let the entries get farther apart, but I highly doubt I'll be ending the writing I do here any time soon. It's too much of a stress relieving tool for me to let go! So take this awesome web comic and don't worry.

Here it is:

     With Christmas coming up and Thanksgiving just having passed, this is a time of year that most people do a lot of thinking about their lives and the people in them. I, on the other hand, evaluate my life and it's direction regularly, and over the past 2 years have made a habit of paying attention to the people within it and how I feel about them regularly as well. It's kind of like New Year Resolutions. Some people need a certain time of year to inspire thought, analysis and change. I don't make New Year Resolutions because I think that it's silly to need a date on a calendar to make a change in your life. 

     Life changes constantly if you're doing it right. Stagnation (as far as I'm concerned) is a sign of failure. For life to be entertaining and productive I have to have change and motion. The change can be as simple as trying new types of therapy at my job, taking on new types of clients, or working towards adding new resources or programs. It can be more complex, like starting classes or applying to doctoral programs (I've successfully pushed of application for at least another year since I was nervous about it and didn't feel ready. Not my finest moment, but I know that if I start it before I'm ready I won't do as well as I can.). The changes for me can even manifest themselves as something much bigger like planning our wedding and our move. Side note: don't stress out anyone, the move isn't rapidly approaching or anything. It won't be for quite some time, it's just something I should prepare for so that everything goes smoothly and we can be happy with everything that we decide on.

     Now, over the past few months some of the changes in my life were forced upon me without my consent. Losing two of my ex-boyfriends, on of which was a really great friend of mine, forced me to adapt and evaluate certain things before I wanted to. When someone close to you in age, physical proximity and friendship is ripped from the fabric of your universe it can force you to look at many of the aspects of life. Kirk and I used to have a lot of very deep discussions about life, love, and the universe. Now I may have to deal with those deep thoughts on my own.

     Even with the loss of people that I love very much the analysis of my life had a positive result. 

First: I'm happy with my job. It can be really hard work and sometimes I hear awful, tragic stories of neglect, abuse, distorted thoughts, and many other things that can make a child's life difficult to live. That aspect of my work can be very difficult, but it drives me to do my job and constantly work to improve my skill set. For some of the kids I see I'm the closest thing to a functional adult that they have in their lives. Once we get over the irony of that statement and control the laughter that comes with it we can get back to the point, which is that I have the opportunity to change these children's lives. I can help them to repair some of the damage that has been done to them and help guide them to a healthier life, hopefully breaking a societal cycle for some of them. I've had some clients outwardly state that after seeing me they've not only made a conscious decision to do things differently than the people surrounding them, but also feel prepared for the changes and uphill battle that they may encounter. Hearing that from client's is amazing. It makes every tough session or cancellation worth it. I've also seen younger children grow and develop, with the work that I've done with them clearly having an effect on them, and sometimes having their parents tell me how much of a difference I've made. I'd still do my job out of love for the field without these rewards, but seeing and hearing these things may change me as much as I'm told I've changed others. I wish that everyone will at some people have experiences as rewarding as my job is.

Second: I'm happy with my personal life. I'm sad over my losses just like anyone would be. I sometimes find myself wishing that some things hadn't happened the way that they did. When this happens I take a look around and see that the people close to me are exactly what I want. The friends that I hold close are different than I've had in the past, and I now have reciprocal relationships (for the most part). Everyone will always have their melodramatic moments, myself included, but I'm finally around people that are not in a constant state of emotional emergency that they need me to fix for them. I finally have friends that are as interested in being supported and helped by me as they are in being helped and supported themselves. For the longest time I thought that friendships were just what I'd been a part of, one girl always needing, wanting, demanding time energy and attention. Those relationships were draining, and after a little while they started to feel more like obligations than friendships. Now I'm old enough and aware of my situation so I can choose my obligations, and I choose ones that have as much return as they require in output. I am fairly confident in my ability to judge character now and even though I might take my time trusting people or letting them get close to me, I judge better and I'm not afraid to admit when I made a mistake in letting a person into my life or keeping them out. I will work to remedy any mistakes that I've made. It's not easy to admit mistakes to yourself or others. Being able to do so takes effort and maturity.

Third: I'm happy with my family. Both the family I was born into and the one that I'm working on creating. Neither one is always easy. My biological family can be very difficult sometimes. It's hard to be a part of this family and have your own life sometimes. Caring for my sister, helping my mother, being an active daughter and sister in this atmosphere can be seriously challenging. Balancing this family and their needs with my own can be hard. Sometimes I have to change plans on very short notice. Sometimes I have to let my needs fall back until my family is taken care of and stable. Beyond needs is happiness, and my family's happiness is paramount. I would give almost anything to make and keep them happy, which sometimes means that I have to wait to help myself to do what they need. It's always been like that, so it isn't new. What's new is the balance I've been working towards and achieving more often. I'm proud of the growth that I've experienced, growth that helps my family and myself. The family I'm building has to try to grow while we maintain the family I was born into. Like a little sapling that's trying to grow in the shadow of a big, fully grown tree. The big tree gets the nutrients, the sunlight, and is seen by people. The sapling has the benefit of being protected by the bigger tree from threats and elements, but has to be strong and work harder because the big tree gets all of the nutrients and necessities, leaving the sapling with what's left. Our sapling is finding a way to get what it needs. That is a challenge. I'm proud of how strong and understanding my partner is. He makes sure our sapling grows. 

(That got super gross and sappy. Gag. Sorry about that.)

Fourth: I'm happy with the direction that I'm going. I'm working hard in almost every area of my life, including the leisure aspect. I've dedicated time and energy to becoming mentally healthy. Managing my anxiety and moods, working on relaxation, focusing on what I need to be a better, happier, and healthier person. I'm focused on today and the future. I'm ready for what life has to throw at me and I'm happy with the people who will be by my side when it comes. 

     I'll never stop missing the people I've lost, but I will always do my best to appreciate what they've done for me. No matter how a person has left my life I will keep the memory of how they have changed me (for better or worse) and attempt to appreciate it forever.

     So if you do New Years Resolutions, start looking at your life, decide what you like or dislike, attempt to appreciate every aspect of your life, and make changes as you see fit. Don't let other people dictate your life or decisions. Take control and take responsibility. When you own your decisions and create your life you can fix it, change it, and take pride in it. True autonomy. Being in control feels great!

Check out this super sweet drawing our security guard did for me!!!

P.S.-

Super duper congratulations are in order (even if they are a little late) to my friend Karla, who achieved her Masters of Psychology in the spring. Caring people make wonderful therapists, so I'm sure she'll be successful!

Also, for everyone who loves gossip and/or drama: The person whose part in my life inspired me to start this blog got engaged. I'm not sure why people want to tell me about what goes on in that girl's life, especially since she's not a part of mine anymore and I'm happy for that. Still, people want to share this kind of stuff with me for some reason. My suggestion to those of you that have told me you've developed some kind of feelings given how everything happened between us is this- be happy for her. I never dreamed of my wedding, and even being engaged for a year and a half I still don't know what I want, other than to spend the rest of my life with Chris. That girl has been waiting and wishing for a husband since I can remember and she'll finally have it. It's comprable to my masters degree. Something I always knew I wanted and was so excited to finally have. So if you know her, congratulate her. If you don't and have some feelings about her just because of me and that situation, add some good will to the pity that goes her way. 

The Day You Realize What is More Important

    Life is stellar over here in the tri-state area where we live. Not the movie type of stellar, but the real life, hard work, earning the rewards we reap kind of stellar. It's lovely because I know that some of the wonderful things we have now can never be taken from us. We have things like self worth, the knowledge that no matter what happens we can make it work together, and a bright future that we have some control over. We are working hard to get where we want to be, and that in and of itself is rewarding even if we don't get exactly where we plan to be.
    All that aside we obviously still have a little bit of drama in our lives. It's inevitable when you interact with other people. Even that is calming down. Chris is getting ready for school and I'm really settling into this career of mine, while considering the next step in my education. Everything is going better than we originally expected.
    Then we got some news that brought us back to earth. It feels like bad stuff hits harder when things are going great, and when it's close to home. When it's both of those things it can really hurt. I'm afraid I won't get into specifics here because it is so early and so private, but suffice it to say that awful news really makes you consider what is actually important. Petty quips and annoying people seem more insignificant than before when you're reminded of the more important things in life.
    For Chris and I, this is the first hard thing of this genre we've been through. I know we can get through it, no matter the outcome, if we have each other. In the mean time my prayers are exactly where they need to be, and all that space in my mind that was taken up by people I couldn't stand has been cleaned out for the things I need to be considering.