The Scariest Story I've Ever Lived

     I'm not one for story-type narration. It's never truly appealed to me. A while ago, however, I felt the need to. 
     To preface all of this, some of you know that I recently underwent surgery. Before that I'd been in a near constant pain for months, and the painkillers that I'd been prescribed really weren't even helping anymore. Things were pretty awful, but I wrote this gem a little bit before that point. 

     The happiest time in a young woman’s life, the months leading up to her wedding. She has visions of beauty. She can imagine the rest of her life starting on that day. She gets stressed, sure, but knows it will pass because she will become the misses to the man of her dreams. Life is changing in a good way and she can’t wait for what will come next.

      Then a pain. A pain deep inside of her. Like nothing she’s ever felt before. Her insides are tearing apart, they simply must be. Tylenol, Naproxen, Aspirin. Anything that she has. Nothing works. Nothing makes it go away. She’s afraid. This new, scary feeling with no discernible cause. What does does she do? The pain gets worse and she can’t move. She finds herself crying in bed. She tries holding her stomach, putting pressure on the area below her belly button, where it hurts the most. That hurts worse. This feeling, this strange new feeling, she has to find words for it. She has to be able to explain, but she can’t. She can only try to breathe between sobs.

     It’s a Saturday, so her doctor isn’t is in his office. Her fiancé walks in to find her this way. He’s scared; he’s never seen her like this before. He’s seen her dramatic tears, he’s seen her in emotional pain, he’s seen her stressed, he’s even seen her in very real physical pain, but never anything like this. He tries to find out what’s going on, what happened. He has to do something, she can’t do it for herself. He calls the hospital where her doctor is often on call and begs them to tell him what to do. Their answers are not incredibly satisfying, but they do get him in touch with the doctor. The doctor tries to rescue, getting pain medications sent to the pharmacy as soon as possible, and scheduling an ultrasound for that very week to see if something had gone wrong.

      The couple struggles through the next few days. He has to help her get out of bed and around the house. She didn’t cook, she didn’t clean, she didn’t do the laundry. She wasn’t who he knew she was. The entire time she was afraid. She had a feeling they wouldn’t find a thing and there would be no way to fix this. She felt like she was in a battle with her body and it was winning. She couldn’t understand why they couldn’t just work together. Still, she would wait. Her faith in the doctor would not falter. He was a good man, a smart man, and more than capable as a doctor.

      The ultrasound day comes. The couple struggles into the office. The good doctor does a simple exam to make sure there’s nothing that he can see or feel to explain this. His exam brings her to tears from the pain it causes. He finds nothing new. She gets dressed again, every movement causing pangs of pain, and goes across the hall to have the ultrasound. The probe hurts as well. It pushes and pinches in what feel like the worse possible places. She watches the screen, assuming that he’s done the same. She sees the images that she’s seen before, from having ovarian cysts. Uterus- normal. Right ovary- normal. Left ovary- can’t see it… there it is. Normal. Nothing unusual. Nothing out of the ordinary with the exception of the tears she’s holding back. Everything as she expected. Nothing that she wanted.

She dresses again and they go back across the hall to meet with the doctor once again after he’s seen what she’s just seen- nothing. Waiting in the office she starts to cry. 

“I knew they find nothing. I knew we’d have no answers. I knew this would be a waste of time. Whatever this is, we don’t know. We have no idea what it is that’s taking away my life. No clue what’s making me feel such pain that I don’t know if I can keep going. What are we going to do?”

“Let’s wait for the doctor. He’ll have more information. We know he’s good, and he’ll be able to help us decide what we do next.” 

      He’s trying to be comforting in any way he can think of.

     The doctor comes in. He tells them what they know, there is no abnormality to be found here. They haven’t seen, felt, or heard anything that explains this. He does, however, have a theory. A theory he mentioned off the cuff months ago, but of course the couple never forgot it. Endometriosis. 

      Endometriosis. A disease that has no cure. A disease that can only be diagnosed with surgery. A disease that can rob a woman of her fertility. For a twenty-five year old young lady with what is supposed to be her whole life in front of her that can shake everything she knew. Pain that could never go away, even with treatments. Damage inside that can make you unable to have children, create a family. Damage that might only stop when you have a hysterectomy, removing every chance at becoming a mother. Even then, let over cells can multiply if they haven’t been removed, and the damage that has already been done to your body and nerves can continue to cause pain even after every treatment option has been exhausted. 

      

      The next step is discussed. Surgery, hormonal treatments, pelvic pain specialists, pain management. Her head is spinning. She can’t process this. She’s planning her wedding, getting ready to get married, having her fairy tale. This is like a second villain. Something standing in the way of the happiness she’s hoped for, the happiness he’s worked so hard for. She can barely understand what’s being said, so thankfully he takes the reigns.

“What would you do if it was your wife?”

“I would see the specialist. I would have him give an opinion before we do surgery and put you two through that.” A simple an honest answer from the trusted doctor.

      An appointment is set up with the pelvic pain specialist, and measures taken in the mean time. Changing birth control for hormonal therapy, increasing dosages of other medications that have been shown to help some women with this kind of pain. Follow up appointments to keep everyone informed. The earliest appointment with the pain specialist is seven weeks away. They just have to make it seven weeks. 

      That seven week point? It falls just seventeen days before their wedding. She will be meeting with bakers, florists, hairstylists, makeup artists, venue coordinators, seamstresses to make sure her dress fits between now and then. Or will she? They both remember that Saturday. The image of her writhing in pain, barely able to breathe is one that cannot leave their minds. How can she do all of these necessary things if that happens again? She’s strong, he knows it, but she doesn’t know if she’s that strong. The fear and the doubt fill them both, but they both try to keep strong faces. They have no choice but to go on.

And that was it. For a long time. Now there's been specialists and surgery and hopefully hope for the future again. I'll be recovering for a while, and I'm sure I'll share more once I see the doctor again. When I wrote this no one could tell me what was happening, nobody could promise me that it would get better, but worst of all nobody could tell me if what I was feeling was "normal." It can be different for every woman, making it nearly impossible to find out if you're right or just crazy. 

Through surgery they did find and endometriosis and remove it. I still don't know everything and I don't know if I will. Recovering from a "major" surgery drives me crazy with boredom. Once I have more information, and more specific information I plan to share what I can with whomever needs that information. Until then, I'm laid up for weeks! Laid up and bored.  

Thanks everyone for your support, sorry if this is how you're finding out. I didn't want people to worry or it to become a big focus in the time before our wedding. Either way, thanks to everyone who has helped me so far. I can't even imagine how I would have gotten through without all of the support. 

Oh Hello, 2014!

     This year has been rung in by myself and Chris with champagne at home. No big parties, no crowds, no loud noises and no pageantry. This might seem unfortunate to some women but to me it was simply perfect. Our year will be filled with visits to see friends. We will have our own party to celebrate our marriage. There will be time for all of that this year and I wanted to start it the way I will start every year to come- in the arms of the man I love.
    As expected things are moving quickly. Today marks 68 days to our wedding. Being so close is surprisingly more exciting than stressful. Chris has been the most wonderful fiance, helping me at every step of the way. With his help I'm sure that we will have everything exactly as we would like it.
    We've met and booked a photographer, have selected our baker, my dress should be here within the next two weeks. I've got everything to go with it. We've got everything we need except for a florist, transportation, gifts and "Chris Things." I can only refer to it that way, because they have clearly become things that are out of my control. Thankfully I have full faith that he will be able to do anything that I  cannot.
     Outside of wedding things we've hit it off with another couple, and intend to go see them tonight. I've received a lovely gift from the pay it forward 2014 that my friend Erin helped me get into and started one of mine that will be going out. I'm slowly studying for the GREs so that I may be able to become Doctor Harris one day. I'm continuing in my personal therapy and making some progress, a huge relief since I've been at it for so very long. This week I've also gone on my first horse ride down here. I had a wonderful time and can't wait to go again!
   
    I know I usually have a point to make or something to complain about, but in this case I just figured a little update for friends that probably won't be hearing too much from me over the next 68 days since we'll be doing wedding things all the time! Wish me luck everyone, I'm sure it will be hectic, and before I know it I'll be looking down an aisle at the end of March!

Tis The Season!

Hey now, don't worry, I haven't forgotten about my darling blog. I've just been busy! I know a couple of the pople who read are fairly regular readers and can become concerned when I haven't written in a while. I may let the entries get farther apart, but I highly doubt I'll be ending the writing I do here any time soon. It's too much of a stress relieving tool for me to let go! So take this awesome web comic and don't worry.

Here it is:

     With Christmas coming up and Thanksgiving just having passed, this is a time of year that most people do a lot of thinking about their lives and the people in them. I, on the other hand, evaluate my life and it's direction regularly, and over the past 2 years have made a habit of paying attention to the people within it and how I feel about them regularly as well. It's kind of like New Year Resolutions. Some people need a certain time of year to inspire thought, analysis and change. I don't make New Year Resolutions because I think that it's silly to need a date on a calendar to make a change in your life. 

     Life changes constantly if you're doing it right. Stagnation (as far as I'm concerned) is a sign of failure. For life to be entertaining and productive I have to have change and motion. The change can be as simple as trying new types of therapy at my job, taking on new types of clients, or working towards adding new resources or programs. It can be more complex, like starting classes or applying to doctoral programs (I've successfully pushed of application for at least another year since I was nervous about it and didn't feel ready. Not my finest moment, but I know that if I start it before I'm ready I won't do as well as I can.). The changes for me can even manifest themselves as something much bigger like planning our wedding and our move. Side note: don't stress out anyone, the move isn't rapidly approaching or anything. It won't be for quite some time, it's just something I should prepare for so that everything goes smoothly and we can be happy with everything that we decide on.

     Now, over the past few months some of the changes in my life were forced upon me without my consent. Losing two of my ex-boyfriends, on of which was a really great friend of mine, forced me to adapt and evaluate certain things before I wanted to. When someone close to you in age, physical proximity and friendship is ripped from the fabric of your universe it can force you to look at many of the aspects of life. Kirk and I used to have a lot of very deep discussions about life, love, and the universe. Now I may have to deal with those deep thoughts on my own.

     Even with the loss of people that I love very much the analysis of my life had a positive result. 

First: I'm happy with my job. It can be really hard work and sometimes I hear awful, tragic stories of neglect, abuse, distorted thoughts, and many other things that can make a child's life difficult to live. That aspect of my work can be very difficult, but it drives me to do my job and constantly work to improve my skill set. For some of the kids I see I'm the closest thing to a functional adult that they have in their lives. Once we get over the irony of that statement and control the laughter that comes with it we can get back to the point, which is that I have the opportunity to change these children's lives. I can help them to repair some of the damage that has been done to them and help guide them to a healthier life, hopefully breaking a societal cycle for some of them. I've had some clients outwardly state that after seeing me they've not only made a conscious decision to do things differently than the people surrounding them, but also feel prepared for the changes and uphill battle that they may encounter. Hearing that from client's is amazing. It makes every tough session or cancellation worth it. I've also seen younger children grow and develop, with the work that I've done with them clearly having an effect on them, and sometimes having their parents tell me how much of a difference I've made. I'd still do my job out of love for the field without these rewards, but seeing and hearing these things may change me as much as I'm told I've changed others. I wish that everyone will at some people have experiences as rewarding as my job is.

Second: I'm happy with my personal life. I'm sad over my losses just like anyone would be. I sometimes find myself wishing that some things hadn't happened the way that they did. When this happens I take a look around and see that the people close to me are exactly what I want. The friends that I hold close are different than I've had in the past, and I now have reciprocal relationships (for the most part). Everyone will always have their melodramatic moments, myself included, but I'm finally around people that are not in a constant state of emotional emergency that they need me to fix for them. I finally have friends that are as interested in being supported and helped by me as they are in being helped and supported themselves. For the longest time I thought that friendships were just what I'd been a part of, one girl always needing, wanting, demanding time energy and attention. Those relationships were draining, and after a little while they started to feel more like obligations than friendships. Now I'm old enough and aware of my situation so I can choose my obligations, and I choose ones that have as much return as they require in output. I am fairly confident in my ability to judge character now and even though I might take my time trusting people or letting them get close to me, I judge better and I'm not afraid to admit when I made a mistake in letting a person into my life or keeping them out. I will work to remedy any mistakes that I've made. It's not easy to admit mistakes to yourself or others. Being able to do so takes effort and maturity.

Third: I'm happy with my family. Both the family I was born into and the one that I'm working on creating. Neither one is always easy. My biological family can be very difficult sometimes. It's hard to be a part of this family and have your own life sometimes. Caring for my sister, helping my mother, being an active daughter and sister in this atmosphere can be seriously challenging. Balancing this family and their needs with my own can be hard. Sometimes I have to change plans on very short notice. Sometimes I have to let my needs fall back until my family is taken care of and stable. Beyond needs is happiness, and my family's happiness is paramount. I would give almost anything to make and keep them happy, which sometimes means that I have to wait to help myself to do what they need. It's always been like that, so it isn't new. What's new is the balance I've been working towards and achieving more often. I'm proud of the growth that I've experienced, growth that helps my family and myself. The family I'm building has to try to grow while we maintain the family I was born into. Like a little sapling that's trying to grow in the shadow of a big, fully grown tree. The big tree gets the nutrients, the sunlight, and is seen by people. The sapling has the benefit of being protected by the bigger tree from threats and elements, but has to be strong and work harder because the big tree gets all of the nutrients and necessities, leaving the sapling with what's left. Our sapling is finding a way to get what it needs. That is a challenge. I'm proud of how strong and understanding my partner is. He makes sure our sapling grows. 

(That got super gross and sappy. Gag. Sorry about that.)

Fourth: I'm happy with the direction that I'm going. I'm working hard in almost every area of my life, including the leisure aspect. I've dedicated time and energy to becoming mentally healthy. Managing my anxiety and moods, working on relaxation, focusing on what I need to be a better, happier, and healthier person. I'm focused on today and the future. I'm ready for what life has to throw at me and I'm happy with the people who will be by my side when it comes. 

     I'll never stop missing the people I've lost, but I will always do my best to appreciate what they've done for me. No matter how a person has left my life I will keep the memory of how they have changed me (for better or worse) and attempt to appreciate it forever.

     So if you do New Years Resolutions, start looking at your life, decide what you like or dislike, attempt to appreciate every aspect of your life, and make changes as you see fit. Don't let other people dictate your life or decisions. Take control and take responsibility. When you own your decisions and create your life you can fix it, change it, and take pride in it. True autonomy. Being in control feels great!

Check out this super sweet drawing our security guard did for me!!!

P.S.-

Super duper congratulations are in order (even if they are a little late) to my friend Karla, who achieved her Masters of Psychology in the spring. Caring people make wonderful therapists, so I'm sure she'll be successful!

Also, for everyone who loves gossip and/or drama: The person whose part in my life inspired me to start this blog got engaged. I'm not sure why people want to tell me about what goes on in that girl's life, especially since she's not a part of mine anymore and I'm happy for that. Still, people want to share this kind of stuff with me for some reason. My suggestion to those of you that have told me you've developed some kind of feelings given how everything happened between us is this- be happy for her. I never dreamed of my wedding, and even being engaged for a year and a half I still don't know what I want, other than to spend the rest of my life with Chris. That girl has been waiting and wishing for a husband since I can remember and she'll finally have it. It's comprable to my masters degree. Something I always knew I wanted and was so excited to finally have. So if you know her, congratulate her. If you don't and have some feelings about her just because of me and that situation, add some good will to the pity that goes her way. 

Home is Whenever I'm with You

    So it's been a while since we've had a blog from yours truly, and there are a couple reasons for that. One being that I'm just plain busy. Working towards a promotion at my job and dealing with personal things barely scratches the surface of what we're working with over here. A second reason might just be that I've been waiting for a certain group of people to stop obsessively checking to see what I've been posting. It's funny (like actually haha funny) that the very people that have an opinion on me letting go of the past and the people who make it rough compulsively check this blog. Apparently they aren't aware of the fact that being the blogger here I get the privilege of checking traffic sources. That is to say that I know that people who aren't privy to my posts on social networking sights (that'd include the lovely bitches I've blocked and taken action against) have the option to specifically google my blog. Flattering, sure, but it's gotten old fast. So I was hoping that if I waited long enough maybe they'd stop Googling, stop obsessing, and leave me alone like I've done for them. But, all that aside, on to the blog.
    The point here is that a lot has been going on. Chris and I have faced a bunch of hurdles since my last post (thanks for all the prayers that came our way! We needed them...) and gotten through it all going strong. We couldn't do everything we're doing without the love and support we get, directly and indirectly from friends and family. When you try your hardest to be independent and live life on your own some people just won't accept it and insist on being there for you. Those are the people you cannot live without, because they won't let you. It just goes to show you that the ones that matter the most will never leave you, even when you tell them that they're free to go. Chris and I are lucky to have people like that in our lives, and we hope you all are too.
    In other news, we're looking at moving. They need to remodel our current apartment, so long story short, in order to stay here we'd have to move out and move back in. It doesn't really make sense and we've been considering an upgrade for a little while now anyway. Stars aligning I suppose. We're making a little more money, have a desire to make the move, and now have the opportunity to get out of our lease. These great events have coincided giving us the perfect opportunity to do just what we've been looking to do. While this is phenomenal, it presents us with a lot of new things to consider. We can leave this place any time between a couple of weeks ago and February, giving us a chance to really look at what we want and take time to make the right decision. Anyone who knows me knows I am NOT a good mover, so taking it slow like this is going to be helpful.
    Given this moving thing we've got a lot to think about. Where to go, what we're looking for as far as upgrades go, how long we'd like to stay at this new place, where we'll be in a year or two and if we want to pick a place that we'll stay in. I prefer the idea of staying in one place for a while, starting a little bit of a life, being stationary for a while. Unfortunately that means we have to take a long hard look at where we'll be next year, or the year after that. We've got to make some big type decisions and use some introspection, and that can be a little scary. The nice thing that we have is one thing for sure, and that is that we love each other. No matter where we end up, as long as we're together, it will be home.
    We did have some interesting options come up. We considered the idea of moving far away, leaving this place and it's nasty memories behind, and going somewhere fresh. Well, fresh to me... not so much to Chris. We considered looking into school programs and jobs back in Georgia. We'd only stay there a few years, but it would give me the chance to get to know his family, try a new school, and get to know a completely new area. I'm not averse to the idea, but I think that for now it's not the move for me just yet. I'm so lucky to have a fiance that understands that I'm just not ready for a move like that yet, but with the idea presented to me it will stick for a while. Maybe I'll apply to a graduate school down there as well as up here and (if given an offer) seriously consider taking my little but to good ol' GA for a while. So many birds would get hit with that stone! Chris could be close to his family for the first time in nearly half a decade, I'd get to meet and know my in-laws, I'd be able to experience life in a different place (which I of course imagine to be like a completely different country), become more well rounded, have greater potential for jobs because of education distribution, and get the experience that I will eventually need to have, which is growing up and living an autonomous life.
    No matter what decisions I make now or in the future, there are a couple of things I can count on. I can count on my loving friends and family to keep being there no matter how hard I try to assert my independence. I can count on a man that continues to surprise me with how silly, supportive, loving, dedicated, and amazing he can be. I can count on myself to keep being me, caring too much about other people and not enough about myself, to keep giving 100% at everything I do and keep pushing myself to be the best that I can be.
    There is not much that we can count on in life, but the couple of things that are for sure are enough to make it worth keeping on going with everything that we've got going on. Things are zen again here, and I'm happy to have that.

To finish this one off, check out this song. It keeps me cheery when I'm worried about things.

Little Girl's First Police Report

If you're just going to bitch after reading it, don't read it.

This novel idea brought to you by Danielle

    Lets start this one out by saying I'm not happy or proud of what I've been forced into doing. I truly believe that individuals should be able to solve there problems on their own, and we're all adults here... so why can't we?

    Several months ago I made it explicitly clear that I no longer wanted contact from a group of people in any form. I didn't want to see them, hear from them, be friends with them on facebook, or have them in my life at all. This request was punctuated by unfriending them on facebook, deleting their phone numbers, and a solid plan to NEVER go back to the town they've come from. Unfortunately some people don't understand that message and can't control themselves. 
    Some of Chris and I's very adult and mature friends can't seem to help but continuing to interject in our lives, ranging from text messages and phone calls, to nasty quips right here on this blog. It's childish and reminds me of how glad I am that we decided not to stay in that little town of theirs, since there must be so little to do.
    Previous incidences aside, this weekend some of these lovely kids decided that they wanted to call me from blocked numbers at all hours of the night and make jokes, criticize my relationship and giggle away. Seriously? Get Netflix, and a life.
    Last night one of the super shining stars of the group we would like to never see or hear from again felt the need to send me a facebook message about how I "need to work a little harder" on forgetting about these people we've put behind us. It's cute how i need to work on forgetting them, but they want to continue to insert themselves in my life. Real helpful advice, right? Well, after telling me the right way to run my life for another page or so she added this gem: "Take care of your relationship with Chris and never let him go. You have to think about you guys as a couple. If you keep doing what you do with your blogs, he may end up getting mad someday with how you talk about his friend." Now, I think if you read my blogs you know that Chris is a priority, so maybe she hasn't been paying attention. I don't discuss Chris's relationships with his friends in detail because they simply aren't mine to discuss but ***SPOILER ALERT*** Chris kind of feels exactly as I do about what's been going on, as well as his friends. Chris loves my blogs. He loves that I can vent out in a space where I can get feedback, and he loves that I always feel a little bit better afterward. I love it because I can vent, and because (believe it or not) most people are dealing with bitches in their lives, and hearing about my experiences makes other people feel like it's not so bad, that reading this stuff is helping them, and I'd blog just for that. She goes on and on in a pseudo-helpful tone that she knows I don't care to hear for many more lines.
    That said, I responded, much shorter and far less sweet:

Thanks for the advice that wasn't really wanted? As for (a boyfriend in the group), Chris and I are on the same page about it. Actually, Chris and I are on the same page about everything in my blog. It's nice that you've got such great relationships but you have no idea about what happened between LCCWB and I, and given that fact you will never have any idea of how well or poorly I'm handling that situation.

I hope that you don't have to go through what I've gone through, but if you ever do you'll probably regret this message.

It'd be a fuck ton of a lot easier to forget her if she would stay out of my life, but (as I'm sure she'd deny) she can't seem to do that very well. As clear as we've made it that we would like EVERYONE from central PA to leave us alone (that would include [where I listed their cute little group]... pretty much everyone but Gill) those people just can't seem to GTFO and stay out of our lives. Including this little message. I believe I unfriended you for a reason, I didn't think i had to go as far as blocking you like I had to do with (LCCWB and boyfriend).

So, respectfully, help me forget the people I think are worthless and don't bother to interject anymore.

Thanks.

Oh, and PS- I hope you and (her fiance) actually make it to the altar this time, I'm sure it'll be a beautiful event and you'll be surrounded by a mixture of people who love you both and people that will eventually make you wish you didn't have to see their faces in your wedding photos.

 

 

Funny thing about that ps... she's marrying a man that cheated on her during their first engagement, and who she's had suspicions of cheating again. Great girl to be taking advice from, right?

    I block the chick. Like I said, not interested in hearing from her. Last word said, conversation over. She gets the message I don't want to have any contact with her and should be mature enough to  respect that. It's over. Plus I blocked her so she can't message me again even if she was that immature, right?

    Wrong. I forget that some couples have no respect for one another's privacy or reputation. She's so compelled to answer this request to not be spoken to that she hops on her fiance's account to continue to berate me. This one's real good, but I'll only give you kids excerpts and keep some of the good stuff to myself:

"I think you are a fucking psycho who writes about how she wants people to die or go kill themselves. It really bothers me that you are in the profession of helping people with psychological disorders and what not when you are so messed up yourself"

 

"I tried to be nice, and I tried to give you advice. None of us care what you think of us. I just thought I'd throw out some advice that I gave myself when I lost some good friends. But you just have to put your defenses up and flip the fuck out." If she thought reminding her I'd asked her to go away was flipping out, bitch needs to see me "flip the fuck out."

 

"I will never regret the friendships that I have with them, and even if we drift apart I will never look at my wedding photos and regret them being part of my special day." Isn't it cute how for some girls it turns into their special day? The hubbs to be gets thrown out of it!

 

 

"You really anger me, and I hope for the sake of your future patients that you get the therapy you need, before you tell one of them to jump off a cliff or something. You do not know how to listen and take nice advice. You are a little kid who will never know how to be independent." I think therapy would be a good thing for you too sweetie. Oh, and there's this funny thing about independence. I've been taking care of a handicapped kid since I could lift her, taking care of a home since I was 9, and became the homemaker before I was 12 when my mom went back to school. I've been more of an adult then you'll ever be, taken care of more shit than you'll ever have to take care of and still managed to go to school and get an MA by 23. So... mirror please? (btw mommy, mad props on going back to school. Sure it was rough on us but it made us a much better family!)

 

"I think you are a sad excuse for an adult. You should have grown up a long time ago." I think we should see above... Maybe hand over the mirror again?

 

"So enjoy your sham of a marriage, you said it took you 6 months to trust chris, but you rushed right into tying the knot. hmmm that might last forever...." Thanks for the sweet words honey pie, and I'm sure you're marriage to someone who openly cheated on you will go great too. A question on my part, really I don't know, does it count as rushing into tying the knot if you're not married yet, and taking a 3 year long engagement? Fill me in.

    So that's what's going down in my life. Either way this was all too much for me. I've said it nicely, I've said it rudely, I've yelled it, written it, cried it out loud. All I want is for these people to leave me and my life alone. We've done as much for them. We don't laugh at their stupid status's on facebook. When I hear rumors around town about how LCCWB cheated on her boyfriend when she visited town last I ignore them. If anyone in this party of annoying people that won't go away comes up, I change the topic or remove myself from the conversation, all because I'm no longer interested. I've done everything that I can think of to get them out of my life and they just won't go. So what's a girl to do?

    I've asked around. Sought council, if you will. It seems as though, short of going up there and beating some ass (which isn't my style. I'm a lover, not a fighter... Plus gas is expensive and this girl has 2 jobs. Or rather, this sad excuse for an adult.), the only thing left to do is get a higher power involved.

    Now darling dearest readers of mine, what this means is that the sweet, well meaning girl who was trying to hide her deeply held hatred of me now has her name and information in a police file. If she gets pulled over, has the police called to her house for any reason, or applies for a job that checks police files it will come up that she has had complaints made against her for harassment. After working in the prison I can tell you that without a charge it doesn't mean much, but it does mean that any law enforcement officer will think twice about believing her stories or taking her word in the event that she was victimized. It's unfortunate, I know. 

 

I suppose the lesson we must learn here children, is to keep your mouth shut, the keys on your computer quiet, and stay off that cell phone touch screen if you know you should. Respect people's wishes for privacy (respect people in general) and if you truly believe that they are doing wrong, wait for karma. Personally, I don't believe that karma will catch up with everyone. Some people will live their whole lives in a pseudo prostitute manner, sleeping with people to get what they want and never get what's coming to them. Some people will harass other people to the point that they feel like they can't do anything about it themselves and get away with it because, lets face it, our justice system isn't perfect. I do believe, however, that if people could grow up and act like adults when it's called for we could have a better world.

Tired of being the bigger person?

    I have to admit, that actually makes me giggle a little. I've been swearing I'm going back to hitting the gym, but then we got this awful heatwave and job interviews and we just haven't had the time. Either way this isn't about body image issues. That would be dumb.
    Last night in a pretty drunken feeling of loveliness I decided that I shouldn't be so harsh on LCCWB's boyfriend. I mean, everyone had already told me that he lacks any autonomy and shouldn't be blamed for his actions. Like an uneducated 4 year old. I still want nothing to do with him, but I decided that I shouldn't be holding what he did against him. That could make someone think I didn't want them in my house. Kind of put a strain on another friendship. Right? Either way, I'm not happy about it, and in retrospect I think it was a horrible idea (simply because trying to be any level of nice to these people is a waste of time and effort) and I only wish I could take it back. Oh, it? I sent this message to him via facebook:

So as unhappy as I still am with you, and as much as I still don't want anything to do with you, after everything that's gone on I've been thinking a lot. And discussing it with my therapist. While my ultimate hope would be that you would meet an unfortunate and untimely end, that's probably not going to happen. Therefore I'm marrying someone who, for some reason, still considers you a friend.

I don't think you deserve him as a friend. He's too good to be treated the way you treat him, which is generally as an afterthought. In the time we've all known each other I don't think I've ever seen you put good old GA first, regardless of the situation. Lucky for me I've realized what real friends are, and who deserves to be considered a friend by me, and you and LCCWB don't fit into that category. Unfortunately he hasn't figured out that he deserves better yet. You're a shit friend to him, but the ending point is that for some fucked up reason he still considers you to be a friend.

That being said, if you ever decided to put him first and, oh I don't know, want to come visit him and show your support for his new life with med school and engagements and moving on with everything (which I highly doubt you could ever find time in your oh so busy schedule to come see one of your "best friends") go ahead and do it. You can stay here and see him all you want. I, however won't be staying here if you plan to do that so I'd like advance notice.

You're disrespectful lying girlfriend is still not welcome here and never will be, so I'd suggest against bringing her here, even if I'm not.

Now, I wish I had sent something that said: 

Fuck off and die asshat. You're a little bitch boy that doesn't deserve a part in my life even if it is only through someone else. You and your girlfriend are worthless, the only people who would miss you if you were dead would be your parents, cuz hers certainly don't care. In all reality, though, it would probably lift a burden from your parents if you two died, since they're financing your life together. I mean I'm sure waitressing is really covering all of those bills. No? Right, well maybe suicide pact then? Do everyone a favor. 

    But that would also be a little off base, right? At least then I could be like "Oh, so sorry I acted as immaturely and awful as LCCWB does on a regular basis, but I was wasted! WASTED! Not my fault. That is what we say when we're a cunt right? We don't take responsibility? No? Great!"

    The long and short of it is that in my inebriated state, for just a little while, even if it wasn't in the nicest way, I started to put someone's feelings just a little over my own. I don't want that jerk here. I don't ever want to think of him or his girlfriend again. But my fiance, the love of my life, hasn't realized that he's a worthless fuck head yet. He still wants to be friends or whatever. So I didn't want one of my future husbands "friends" feeling unwelcome in our home. That would be awful.  I like to be a good host and the last thing I want to do is make someone uncomfortable. For the last 6 months LCCWB lived at my house she managed to make me so uncomfortable I didn't even stay there very often at all. I spend more time there now that I've officially moved out than I did when she was living there. All because I felt like I couldn't be in my own house. It was awful and I didn't want that for someone else. 

    The response I got? Nothing. I had to unblock him to send the message and be (psuedo) nice to him. He returned the gesture by ignoring it and blocking me. Now in all reality it was probably LCCWB who intercepted the message (she looked over his shoulder for his password like 2 weeks into their relationship and has been fucking with his shit ever since) and acted that way so there would be no way he could know I was trying to be nice. That's the kind of manipulative bullshit that she would do to avoid having to look like the bad person. Nearly everything out of her mouth is a lie, and she only tells the truth if it might benefit her. For her boyfriend to know that his friend's fiance was  a decent person, contrary to what she had told him would shatter things for her. 

    Long story short, this is just one more example of how I shouldn't bother with people in general, but especially people who have proven themselves to not be worth it. That couple, aside from introducing us, has done nothing good for either Chris or I in over a year. Not been a positive or supportive influence. Not helped or even really listened to anything we had to say. Not even shown the respect that any human being deserves towards us. They don't deserve for me to try to be nice to them. I only wish my darling fiance could recognize that as well and stop talking to them. Let go of a crap friendship that hasn't produced anything positive in over years. 

    Lessons like that are hard to learn, and I wish that I had the support of my other half so I could learn it too. It's like smoking. We're quitting treating ourselves like shit, and it's easier to quit something if you've got someone else there with you.  

Just because you close a chapter doesn't mean it'll stay closed.

    I've been doing really well with everything in my life. Scored a job interview for something in my field, worked out some issues with the future husband, and have been working really hard in therapy. Like I've said before, I'm done with the LCCWB situation. She's out of my life and not welcome to return. I was finally separating myself from it and it felt good.
    There is only one hang up with this situation. My fiance feels the way that I do about friendships. Some friends are family to us and relationships like that shouldn't just be let go. Unfortunately this means he has an attachment to her boyfriend, a guy that my honey has known since high school. At one point Chris had decided, like I had, that this parallel couple didn't need to be a part of our lives. This, however, has changed for him in his desperation to maintain the relationships he'd worked so hard to form years ago. Unfortunately for me this means he felt that it would be most beneficial to ask the pussy ass boyfriend to apologize to me.
    This apology was too little too late. Between the name calling and threatening that he did to me I feel like a genuine apology would have to have come far sooner, simply when he cooled off and realized what he'd done was wrong, much like my apology to his Lying Cheating Cuntfaced Whore Bitch girlfriend did. The time that has passed since all of this started is too much time. If you're truly sorry you would have made it a point to express that a long time ago. You also wouldn't need to be prompted by my darling husband to be. Too little, too late.
    Furthermore, the last time I spoke to this individual I told him to lose my number, not to call or contact me again. I told him that he and his girlfriend were no longer welcome in my life, my home, or anywhere around me. I wanted them to drop off the face of my earth and leave me alone. They'd already done enough to make me unhappy... I didn't need anymore. So, at this point, even if he felt the need to apologize he shouldn't have gone directly to me, but rather asked Chris to see if it was ok with me to contact me. I would have said it wasn't. If you can't respect me or my wishes there is no way that I will have a relationship with you in any way.
    Why can't this just go away? I'm exhausted. I don't do well with hating people, or even staying angry for very long. This is why I just want it to go away. We live hundreds of miles from them. We don't travel in the same circles anymore, with the exception of 2 friends. I'm not interested in reconciliation. Not now, not ever. I deserve better than that and decided that I'm going to do my best to give that to myself.
    If my fiance wants to associate with people that have no respect for me and can cause me so much pain, it sucks but it's the way it is. We are separate entities and therefore have the right to maintain friendships that don't involve one another. Quite frankly, as long as I don't have to see or hear from those people, I'm fine with it. This will have to be worked out by the time we make a guest list for the wedding, but until then I just don't care. As long as I don't have to deal with it.