What goes into wedding vows?

    I think one of the most important things that will go into the vows I give to Chris on our wedding day will be a promise to stand by his side, no matter where life takes us. This is a promise I've already made to him quietly and off the record, but I think it is something to be said publicly for all of the people who matter to us to know. I will dedicate everything I can to supporting him in any decision he makes, especially because at this point his decisions are generally discussed with me first, which I really appreciate.
   Making this commitment doesn't seem like a big deal. He reciprocates. We will always be there for one another and make adjustments to what we want for ourselves to make sure each other are happy. It's a true partnership. It's nice to know that I'll always have someone there for me, and to know that someone else is counting on me a little bit as well.
    There is a scary aspect of this partnership as well. Knowing that at any point in time you could make a life changing decision not just for yourself, but for the person you love as well, is scary! What if you make the wrong decision? What if you support a decision that turns out to be worse than what was going on? What if you speak out against a decision that could have been the big break? How can you be secure in the decisions you make without having some psychic power?
    I guess what it comes down to is knowing that no matter what happens you will always have a partner. If you remember the hardest times that happened while you were together you can compare and contrast, and see the positives. For example, the hardest time that I think Chris and I had was probably when we first started dating. He had people in his life that I was uncomfortable with, we were hours away from one another, I had classes every day and they were scheduled when he was off of work so keeping communication open was difficult. I didn't have a job and before long he didn't either. Things were rough and sometimes we couldn't even have each other to lean on because of time and money. It was really hard. So, now even if we might be working too hard or super long hours, even if money is tight, even if we hate our jobs or make a wrong decision we get to come home at night to each other, and our little pets. Unlike the hardest times I can wake him up and feel his arms around me every night if I need to. I can always find time to talk to him about my life and problems, even though sometimes it might mean a little less sleep for both of us. No matter what happens in our lives, things will be better than they were at the beginning because of the changes we've made to our lives. We have a more secure relationship, better people in our lives and the stability of a relationship over time. Even if we get into a situation like we had in the past the simple advancement of our relationship will make it astronomically more bearable.
    I'm happy to be able to notice the growth of our relationship, and being able to appreciate it makes me even luckier.

Tired of being the bigger person?

    I have to admit, that actually makes me giggle a little. I've been swearing I'm going back to hitting the gym, but then we got this awful heatwave and job interviews and we just haven't had the time. Either way this isn't about body image issues. That would be dumb.
    Last night in a pretty drunken feeling of loveliness I decided that I shouldn't be so harsh on LCCWB's boyfriend. I mean, everyone had already told me that he lacks any autonomy and shouldn't be blamed for his actions. Like an uneducated 4 year old. I still want nothing to do with him, but I decided that I shouldn't be holding what he did against him. That could make someone think I didn't want them in my house. Kind of put a strain on another friendship. Right? Either way, I'm not happy about it, and in retrospect I think it was a horrible idea (simply because trying to be any level of nice to these people is a waste of time and effort) and I only wish I could take it back. Oh, it? I sent this message to him via facebook:

So as unhappy as I still am with you, and as much as I still don't want anything to do with you, after everything that's gone on I've been thinking a lot. And discussing it with my therapist. While my ultimate hope would be that you would meet an unfortunate and untimely end, that's probably not going to happen. Therefore I'm marrying someone who, for some reason, still considers you a friend.

I don't think you deserve him as a friend. He's too good to be treated the way you treat him, which is generally as an afterthought. In the time we've all known each other I don't think I've ever seen you put good old GA first, regardless of the situation. Lucky for me I've realized what real friends are, and who deserves to be considered a friend by me, and you and LCCWB don't fit into that category. Unfortunately he hasn't figured out that he deserves better yet. You're a shit friend to him, but the ending point is that for some fucked up reason he still considers you to be a friend.

That being said, if you ever decided to put him first and, oh I don't know, want to come visit him and show your support for his new life with med school and engagements and moving on with everything (which I highly doubt you could ever find time in your oh so busy schedule to come see one of your "best friends") go ahead and do it. You can stay here and see him all you want. I, however won't be staying here if you plan to do that so I'd like advance notice.

You're disrespectful lying girlfriend is still not welcome here and never will be, so I'd suggest against bringing her here, even if I'm not.

Now, I wish I had sent something that said: 

Fuck off and die asshat. You're a little bitch boy that doesn't deserve a part in my life even if it is only through someone else. You and your girlfriend are worthless, the only people who would miss you if you were dead would be your parents, cuz hers certainly don't care. In all reality, though, it would probably lift a burden from your parents if you two died, since they're financing your life together. I mean I'm sure waitressing is really covering all of those bills. No? Right, well maybe suicide pact then? Do everyone a favor. 

    But that would also be a little off base, right? At least then I could be like "Oh, so sorry I acted as immaturely and awful as LCCWB does on a regular basis, but I was wasted! WASTED! Not my fault. That is what we say when we're a cunt right? We don't take responsibility? No? Great!"

    The long and short of it is that in my inebriated state, for just a little while, even if it wasn't in the nicest way, I started to put someone's feelings just a little over my own. I don't want that jerk here. I don't ever want to think of him or his girlfriend again. But my fiance, the love of my life, hasn't realized that he's a worthless fuck head yet. He still wants to be friends or whatever. So I didn't want one of my future husbands "friends" feeling unwelcome in our home. That would be awful.  I like to be a good host and the last thing I want to do is make someone uncomfortable. For the last 6 months LCCWB lived at my house she managed to make me so uncomfortable I didn't even stay there very often at all. I spend more time there now that I've officially moved out than I did when she was living there. All because I felt like I couldn't be in my own house. It was awful and I didn't want that for someone else. 

    The response I got? Nothing. I had to unblock him to send the message and be (psuedo) nice to him. He returned the gesture by ignoring it and blocking me. Now in all reality it was probably LCCWB who intercepted the message (she looked over his shoulder for his password like 2 weeks into their relationship and has been fucking with his shit ever since) and acted that way so there would be no way he could know I was trying to be nice. That's the kind of manipulative bullshit that she would do to avoid having to look like the bad person. Nearly everything out of her mouth is a lie, and she only tells the truth if it might benefit her. For her boyfriend to know that his friend's fiance was  a decent person, contrary to what she had told him would shatter things for her. 

    Long story short, this is just one more example of how I shouldn't bother with people in general, but especially people who have proven themselves to not be worth it. That couple, aside from introducing us, has done nothing good for either Chris or I in over a year. Not been a positive or supportive influence. Not helped or even really listened to anything we had to say. Not even shown the respect that any human being deserves towards us. They don't deserve for me to try to be nice to them. I only wish my darling fiance could recognize that as well and stop talking to them. Let go of a crap friendship that hasn't produced anything positive in over years. 

    Lessons like that are hard to learn, and I wish that I had the support of my other half so I could learn it too. It's like smoking. We're quitting treating ourselves like shit, and it's easier to quit something if you've got someone else there with you.  

Just because you close a chapter doesn't mean it'll stay closed.

    I've been doing really well with everything in my life. Scored a job interview for something in my field, worked out some issues with the future husband, and have been working really hard in therapy. Like I've said before, I'm done with the LCCWB situation. She's out of my life and not welcome to return. I was finally separating myself from it and it felt good.
    There is only one hang up with this situation. My fiance feels the way that I do about friendships. Some friends are family to us and relationships like that shouldn't just be let go. Unfortunately this means he has an attachment to her boyfriend, a guy that my honey has known since high school. At one point Chris had decided, like I had, that this parallel couple didn't need to be a part of our lives. This, however, has changed for him in his desperation to maintain the relationships he'd worked so hard to form years ago. Unfortunately for me this means he felt that it would be most beneficial to ask the pussy ass boyfriend to apologize to me.
    This apology was too little too late. Between the name calling and threatening that he did to me I feel like a genuine apology would have to have come far sooner, simply when he cooled off and realized what he'd done was wrong, much like my apology to his Lying Cheating Cuntfaced Whore Bitch girlfriend did. The time that has passed since all of this started is too much time. If you're truly sorry you would have made it a point to express that a long time ago. You also wouldn't need to be prompted by my darling husband to be. Too little, too late.
    Furthermore, the last time I spoke to this individual I told him to lose my number, not to call or contact me again. I told him that he and his girlfriend were no longer welcome in my life, my home, or anywhere around me. I wanted them to drop off the face of my earth and leave me alone. They'd already done enough to make me unhappy... I didn't need anymore. So, at this point, even if he felt the need to apologize he shouldn't have gone directly to me, but rather asked Chris to see if it was ok with me to contact me. I would have said it wasn't. If you can't respect me or my wishes there is no way that I will have a relationship with you in any way.
    Why can't this just go away? I'm exhausted. I don't do well with hating people, or even staying angry for very long. This is why I just want it to go away. We live hundreds of miles from them. We don't travel in the same circles anymore, with the exception of 2 friends. I'm not interested in reconciliation. Not now, not ever. I deserve better than that and decided that I'm going to do my best to give that to myself.
    If my fiance wants to associate with people that have no respect for me and can cause me so much pain, it sucks but it's the way it is. We are separate entities and therefore have the right to maintain friendships that don't involve one another. Quite frankly, as long as I don't have to see or hear from those people, I'm fine with it. This will have to be worked out by the time we make a guest list for the wedding, but until then I just don't care. As long as I don't have to deal with it.