Aaaaannddd BOOM goes the dynamite.

    Today the husband to be and I went to a wedding. Our first wedding together, the first wedding either of us remember going to (I was at my parent's wedding when I was really young), and the first wedding since we've gotten engaged. It was beautiful and felt intimate. The ceremony was held in a romantic clearing in a lovely Japanese garden, the reception in a tent nearby, not too big and not too small, the bride looked like she could have walked right out of a dream, and I'm sure her husband thought she may have. Her friends and family were in attendance, there was no tension, and everyone seemed to have a lovely time. It was wonderful. Like a fairytale.

    I guess that's when reality hit. I've got to do this one day, and not too far off. I always wanted to have a lovely fairytale wedding. I wanted the white dress, the linens, the cake, the ceremony, thebridesmaidsthedancingthefamilyhappinessfunguestsomgwtfamithinkinganymore?!?! You can see how this is going... I may need to elope.

    I hate clothes shopping most of the time, what makes me think I'll be happy with a white poofy dress that might just make me look bigger? I can't keep myself clean during dinner at home, how will I not spill wine or drop food on myself at our reception? I get antsy during a 20 minute meeting, how will I be able to sit through a wedding ceremony filled with pomp and circumstance, let alone be completely present like I need to be. I barely like people, and my friends are similar so how will the bridesmaids get along? Chris hates dancing, what makes me think he'll like it on that day? My family bickers at a simple dinner out, how can I expect them to chill out on such a stressful day?
   Almost a month ago Chris asked me the biggest question of my life so far, and the answer was the simplest I've had to give. I knew without a doubt that he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with before he asked. I knew that he would make an amazing husband, father, family member (super important since I have a little family), and would always work hard to provide for us and do whatever it takes to create a comfortable life for us. At that moment I didn't have a single question. Now that's all I feel like I've got. Previous statements about Chris and our future excluded, of course.
    I guess today is one of the first days that it really hit me. The drama with everyone around me and the problems surrounding the situations have clearly distracted me from the facts of the matter. At some point, close or distant in the future, whether privately and in secret or publicly in front of hundreds of friends and family, I will be marrying Christopher A. Harris Jr. No matter what happens for the rest of my life, or how unsure about anything I might become, I know that I can (and will) completely give my life to him. He is the man that has proven to me he deserves it... even though sometimes that means he deserves a punishment. :)
    Today may have made me think we should stretch the engagement a little more, but it's also made me more sure than ever that he's the man for me.

But I deserve better than this!

    How many times have each of us said or thought that statement? "I deserve better." Given that most of you are friends of mine I know you're pretty good people, and good people have a way of getting themselves into situations where they know they deserve better, but continue to deal with it for whatever reason. We know there is something better, or at least something wrong that needs to be fixed, and we keep dealing with it.
    In this particular moment in time this blog doesn't actually apply to me. For once I've stood up for myself and every time "but I deserve better" runs through my head I've decided to search for a better way. To rid myself of the situation or person that I deserve better than and move on. Set standards that I deserve to have met and only accept that standard. Sure, this makes me bitchy and mean in some peoples eyes, but it's made me happier than I've been since my super hedonistic days in high school. Back then I was happy because I didn't care much about anyone but myself, these days I'm happy because while still considering how my actions might affect others I'm putting myself first. There are obvious exceptions to the "me first" rule, such as my family and the fiance that I'm building a life with. They kind of land at the same level I'm putting myself at.
    This incredibly selfish way of dealing with the world is most likely offensive to some people, they believe that I should continue to put everyone else first and hope that there is some time and energy left over for me. Anyone who really knows me knows that I've been doing that for years and it makes me difficult to deal with. As melodramatic as it sounds, those close to me have seen me drive myself into the ground for other people while I let myself suffer to the point of exhaustion and pain that never gets assessed. Now, after choosing the people and situations I'll allow myself to be involved with, I've added on therapy, working out, weeding out the negative people in my life, and adding in regular bouts of laughter with friends and family. I make it a point to take time out for myself, and this is a novelty that I am really enjoying.
    Back to the topic at hand. We let ourselves suffer when we know we deserve better. We take jobs we hate, we know we deserve better ones with better pay doing something better, especially when we know we're more qualified than about 90% of other Americans. I'm not being cocky, that's just a statistic regarding the percentage of people with a masters degree. We allow ourselves to be trampled on in relationships when we know we deserve someone who loves us, cares for us, and can offer reciprocity. Whether romantic or friend relationships we know when we're in the right position, and we know when we deserve better, but we so often stay.
   Why do we put ourselves through this? Sometimes it's necessity. Sometimes we need jobs so badly we take ones that we're overqualified for and can't stand just to pay the bills. Sometimes we feel that we need relationships to sustain ourselves or some part of our lifestyle, although most of the time we're wrong in that aspect. Why else might we do it? I think that during the times when I let people treat me in a way I didn't deserve it was because, as crappy as it felt, I thought I deserved it. I believed that I had done something to deserve the treatment I was getting because no person would be so cruel to another unless they deserved it, right? Retrospectively, I was wrong. I felt guilty for no real reason and let people take advantage of it.
    Those were my reasons, but what are others? Now that I'm actively working to assess my life and keep it on the positive end I wonder why other people wouldn't do the same. The people who have told me forever that I'm too hard on myself, and told me that I deserve better, continue to let themselves be where I used to be. Abused and unappreciated by themselves and other people, in situations that they don't need to be in, they can't seem to see the forest through the trees.
    As difficult as the past few weeks have been for me to get through, making the change was a change for the better. I wish there was some way that I could let everyone know that they (most likely) deserve better. They simply have to stand up for themselves and realize what they actual deserve better on. For example, I don't deserve better than my family right now. No matter how hard it can be to run over to help out with my sister at the drop of a hat, or deal with issues with nursing care and the reliability of our help, the reward outweighs the downside, and it always will.
    So dear friends, what I'm saying is that you (probably) deserve better. Take a close look at your lives, see what makes you unhappy, analyze the risk/reward of keeping it around, and if whatever it is isn't necessary and at the same time isn't worth it, let it go. Live your life in the "better" realm. Don't let people continually rely on you, take from you, degrade you, make you feel as though you're not worth the time it takes to have a friendship and then expect you to do exactly the opposite. Build a life that you're comfortable in, and let everything else go.

 

lolz haterz. screw off! <3 

It's all great... As long as it's not about me.

    Why is it that everyone loves to read rants and raves about other people (and love to criticize these rants and raves) as long as it has nothing to do with them? From a safe distance it's awesome to watch a bitch get put on blast, or hear about people's troubles and joys, and criticize the decisions and perceptions of other people. As soon as the topic involves themselves, people want nothing to do with it.

    Obvious examples: LCCWB loved to talk shit and see drama play out with me. She used to be addicted to facebook to see how fights between people would come to fruition on facebook, sometimes even going so far as to add in a little something to fuel the flame. Someone rights a little blog about her, and she loses her head, crying and demanding it be taken down. Sure, it could be perceived as cruel and mean and awful in regards to her, but how is it different than the fun she had watching friendships fall apart (and I'm sure this still provides some fun for her now) a year ago, or seeing the next unplanned pregnancy and laughing because it wasn't hers? Next example, our dear friend Georgie boy. He's ready to talk smack on the blog about how in 2 years I'll be feeling like a complete bitch and lying about the situation surrounding my life now (or maybe he means it'll change so drastically by then that I'll feel that way, we'll never know with dear George), but as soon as he gets called out about being wrong and invited to find out the truth about my life his defenses go up, and he makes sure to point out that he has a life and job that keep him busy. Not too busy to read about other people's drama, we might make a note of that.

    But it isn't just these two, it's all of us. Humanity as a whole seems to have this sick urge to witness the suffering of others, to judge and criticize, to say how things should have been and could have been different. Only with other people though. Once the focus is put upon ourselves we back away. All of a sudden what has been fun and entertaining turns childish and unreasonable. Out of bounds and somehow not ok. I say this about no person in specific, but about all of us. If someone wrote these things about me I might be a little flattered that I take up so much mind space, but I'd be the first one to shrug it off as childish or write a nasty comment. If I told you all the story of a girl who fell from grace or a man whose life was out of control you'd love to read it, right up to that moment you realized it was about you... Then the joy of someone else's pain would cease and defenses would come into action.

This goes further, into our celebrity obsession. I, personally, couldn't give a crap about any of it... except if there's a hot chick on the cover of the magazine looking fine, cuz who doesn't love eye candy? But I digress. Millions of these magazines are sold, publishing the "secrets" of people we don't even know, and wouldn't have ever seen if we didn't have a media that promoted it. No one cares if there isn't something negative, a wedding, or a baby going on. Like I said I don't read those magazines so correct me if I'm wrong, but do they even publish anything that doesn't fall into those 3 categories? Wedding, baby, problem. That's all we want to read about.

    We've got a problem, people. A voyeuristic society that can't stand the idea of personal exhibition is setting itself up for failure, or at least disappointment. Why can't we focus on our own lives? After all, they say happiness comes from within.

So by all means, let your emotions flow, vent if you need to, but do your best to let these things pass, and allow yourself to be happy. Look around at your home, your loved ones, the things you do have and let go of the things you don't. You might miss some things that are gone, but as our lovely Carla pointed out: "Sometimes the end is necessary to make room for something good that could happen." And I think it's fair to say we've all got a little more room for potential good in out life.

And here's a little pile of kittens, just for angry people who won't stop reading.

<3 <3