A Little Fairy Tale

     Once upon a time there was a group of people that came together due to a mutual interest in helping people. They came from different places, most hours and hours away, to engage in a program and learn more than they had before so that they could pursue careers that they anticipated loving. Each of these people ended up in this particular place, in this particular program, for various reasons, and those reasons are irrelevant for this particular fairy tale.
     Within this group smaller groups formed. The smaller groups were fluid and often able to come together, separate, swap members, swap back and generally get along. The larger group and the smaller groups were good spirited, generally happy, worked well together and the people within them  somehow seemed to grow to care about one another very quickly. Their caring was shown frequently and genuinely. These people were in a field of caring, and they did seem to fit in.

     This particular smaller group had grown close and studied together, cared for one another, and were reliable when it really counted. This group was made up of three girls and a boy; Nicole, Carla, Andrew and myself. The winter months came and this group had a sad matter brought to their attention. Hanukkah fell early that year, and made it so that Carla, who happened to be Jewish, would not be able to spend it with her family. Instead she would be spending the time of celebration studying, states away from her loving family. Andrew told Nicole and myself about the unfortunate timing of these events, so we had no option except to act. This little group had grown close for a reason, and the reason was that we already cared.



     Andrew volunteered his apartment, Nicole her sneaky friend skills and her car, my mother food and a little bit of funding, and me some mediocre cooking skills and enthusiasm. While Carla prepared to spend these 8 nights of celebration alone, away from her family, knowing that they would be spending this time together while she did her best to learn, we went to work. The three of us snuck around behind Carla's back to learn everything we could about this very traditional holiday as quickly as we could to throw together a surprise to help one of our friends be just a little less homesick during a holiday we didn't necessarily understand.

      In addition to bringing it to our attention and volunteering his apartment for this surprise, Andrew helped us by speaking with his family and friends to find traditional music and other common rituals that we might be able to pull off. He let me come over early to decorate his apartment somewhat sparsely (you have to remember that we were still poor college young adults) in the traditional colors and with Hanukkah decorations that my loving mother (who hadn't even met these people, I might add) found for us. I brought recipes that I found online, and hoped that Carla could help us with them since they seemed a little more complex than I was used to. Andrew also surprised me with a box of chocolates as a gift to my mother for helping us pull some of this together.

     While Andrew and I scrambled to get this little party together, Nicole did her part. She picked up a somewhat saddened Carla for our scheduled study session. Carla had been putting on a brave face for us, but we all knew how sad we would have been if we had to miss Christmas with our families. Nicole and Andrew pulled off what may have been the most difficult part of this whole little plan, which was convincing Carla that she needed to come up to the apartment instead of just picking Andrew up. We worked together to bring a little light to the festival of lights that one of our friends held dear. 

At one point, Andrew even confiscated my phone.

 Anyone who knows me knows that this was a dangerous move for him to try, but I let him keep it for a bit so that we all could dedicate our attention to our darling friend.

     It isn't time for Hanukkah again. I haven't even seen these people in over 2 years now, since I graduated. I don't even know what made me think of that darling evening that spread so much sweetness and caring between the four of us. This celebration was during our very first semester together. Following that a lot of things happened to push us closer together or pull us apart, but no matter what happens, I'll always remember my Hanukkah. 

The End.

5 Things I've Come Up With

    Obviously there's been a hell of a lot of drama going on. It's been making us (us being Chris and I) analyze our life choices. Here's what we (but mostly me) have come up with:

1) We've got no regrets.
We're each happy we started this relationship and stayed in it at various times when it got rough. Some people might think we've rushed into things, other people might think that when you found the person you know you're supposed to be with you shouldn't put off a wedding for any reason, much less money. Regardless of what people think about our relationship we know whats right for us.
We're happy that we've gotten the liars, malevolent, and baleful people out of our lives. I'm sure more will inevitably crop up as we grow older and get into competitive fields, meet people that we don't know and trust them. What can I say? My husband to be is an insanely openhearted individual. Me, not so much. I guess that'd be one place where he's a little ying to my yang.
We couldn't be happier that we made the decision to move to/stay in the greater Philadelphia area, especially with the alternative of me moving and him staying in Lock Haven/State College. We have so much culture here, and it never ceases to amaze me. "Ugh, I'm bored and it's like Wednesday. Oh, I know, lets go to the World Cafe Live and see a new band play a show while we have dinner!" The central PA version? "Ugh, I'm bored and it's like Wednesday. We could go to the bar... again. Or maybe stay in and watch a movie... But we did that like yesterday. We could drive all the way to Williamsport to do something fun! But that's so far away... Nah. Lets just go to the bar and get wasted because there's nothing else to do and I hate my life here stuck in the mountains."

2) We know who we owe, and what we owe to them.
We've had our fair share of help, and our fair share of being screwed over. We know where we've got debts to pay and work hard to pay them. At this point, anyone that has helped us and not screwed us is close to us in one way or another, and we're happy to have them. We've got amazing people that understand our situation and their understanding sometimes is help enough. We really hope one day we can do as much for them as they do for us, but it's my personal belief that for some people there is no way we'll ever be able to do enough to thank them.

3) Everyone makes mistakes.
We know that we aren't perfect, and sometimes I don't even bother to try. We know we had our faults, and we also know everyone else does too. Judge lest not ye be judged, right? Sure there are some grudges we hold even after we know people may be remorseful and even have apologized, but wounds don't heal over night and some never will. That is just a truth that needs to be accepted, and I know how hard it can be to come to terms with.

4) Growing up isn't easy.
Chris had been doing the whole life thing on his own for a while, but this is my first go at it. The first time I'm out of school and not rushing back next semester, the first time I've lived with someone, the first time I've been engaged. People live different lives and do things at a different rate, so while I may have been taking on the responsibilities of an adult a decade ago it wasn't by choice. This is the first time I get to do it on my own terms. It's tough working two jobs, doing research, studying for exams so I can get into the doctoral programs I want, and maintaining relationships. It makes me so grateful that I've got friends going through the same sort of things.

5) The future is going to be awesome.
Looking at how far we've come from before we met each other, seeing the leaps and bounds we've made even since we got engaged... It makes me so excited for our future. I've said it before and I'll say it again: No matter what happens, knowing that I'll have Chris in my life every day when I get up makes everything feel a little bit better.


    Most people I know have thought I'm an optimist, always looking for the bright spot in a bad situation, trying to enjoy the most menial tasks and looking for opportunities around every corner. Chris is the only person that's easily seen through my bubbly facade (or maybe that I've trusted enough to be honest with) and has told me that I'm pessimistic on multiple occasions. He hasn't said that to me in months, so I guess that on some level I must be getting more excited about the things we have today, and the things we get to look forward to tomorrow.



Oh hey everyone, fun fact: according to the tracking info, some people that don't have access to any sites I post a link for this blog to feel the need to actually google it, just to read it. Now, I'm going to guess that these people are probably the ones who hate me and Chris and think I should grow up and get a life and be more mature, etc. etc. since they're as blocked as I can make them. It's cute really.

Til next blog! <3

But I deserve better than this!

    How many times have each of us said or thought that statement? "I deserve better." Given that most of you are friends of mine I know you're pretty good people, and good people have a way of getting themselves into situations where they know they deserve better, but continue to deal with it for whatever reason. We know there is something better, or at least something wrong that needs to be fixed, and we keep dealing with it.
    In this particular moment in time this blog doesn't actually apply to me. For once I've stood up for myself and every time "but I deserve better" runs through my head I've decided to search for a better way. To rid myself of the situation or person that I deserve better than and move on. Set standards that I deserve to have met and only accept that standard. Sure, this makes me bitchy and mean in some peoples eyes, but it's made me happier than I've been since my super hedonistic days in high school. Back then I was happy because I didn't care much about anyone but myself, these days I'm happy because while still considering how my actions might affect others I'm putting myself first. There are obvious exceptions to the "me first" rule, such as my family and the fiance that I'm building a life with. They kind of land at the same level I'm putting myself at.
    This incredibly selfish way of dealing with the world is most likely offensive to some people, they believe that I should continue to put everyone else first and hope that there is some time and energy left over for me. Anyone who really knows me knows that I've been doing that for years and it makes me difficult to deal with. As melodramatic as it sounds, those close to me have seen me drive myself into the ground for other people while I let myself suffer to the point of exhaustion and pain that never gets assessed. Now, after choosing the people and situations I'll allow myself to be involved with, I've added on therapy, working out, weeding out the negative people in my life, and adding in regular bouts of laughter with friends and family. I make it a point to take time out for myself, and this is a novelty that I am really enjoying.
    Back to the topic at hand. We let ourselves suffer when we know we deserve better. We take jobs we hate, we know we deserve better ones with better pay doing something better, especially when we know we're more qualified than about 90% of other Americans. I'm not being cocky, that's just a statistic regarding the percentage of people with a masters degree. We allow ourselves to be trampled on in relationships when we know we deserve someone who loves us, cares for us, and can offer reciprocity. Whether romantic or friend relationships we know when we're in the right position, and we know when we deserve better, but we so often stay.
   Why do we put ourselves through this? Sometimes it's necessity. Sometimes we need jobs so badly we take ones that we're overqualified for and can't stand just to pay the bills. Sometimes we feel that we need relationships to sustain ourselves or some part of our lifestyle, although most of the time we're wrong in that aspect. Why else might we do it? I think that during the times when I let people treat me in a way I didn't deserve it was because, as crappy as it felt, I thought I deserved it. I believed that I had done something to deserve the treatment I was getting because no person would be so cruel to another unless they deserved it, right? Retrospectively, I was wrong. I felt guilty for no real reason and let people take advantage of it.
    Those were my reasons, but what are others? Now that I'm actively working to assess my life and keep it on the positive end I wonder why other people wouldn't do the same. The people who have told me forever that I'm too hard on myself, and told me that I deserve better, continue to let themselves be where I used to be. Abused and unappreciated by themselves and other people, in situations that they don't need to be in, they can't seem to see the forest through the trees.
    As difficult as the past few weeks have been for me to get through, making the change was a change for the better. I wish there was some way that I could let everyone know that they (most likely) deserve better. They simply have to stand up for themselves and realize what they actual deserve better on. For example, I don't deserve better than my family right now. No matter how hard it can be to run over to help out with my sister at the drop of a hat, or deal with issues with nursing care and the reliability of our help, the reward outweighs the downside, and it always will.
    So dear friends, what I'm saying is that you (probably) deserve better. Take a close look at your lives, see what makes you unhappy, analyze the risk/reward of keeping it around, and if whatever it is isn't necessary and at the same time isn't worth it, let it go. Live your life in the "better" realm. Don't let people continually rely on you, take from you, degrade you, make you feel as though you're not worth the time it takes to have a friendship and then expect you to do exactly the opposite. Build a life that you're comfortable in, and let everything else go.

 

lolz haterz. screw off! <3