A cat, a rat, a woman and a man. That's what we call a family.

    Chris is visiting me for the first time in a while, and so much has gone on since my last blog post. Life is fluid, it's constantly changing, and healthy people change with it.
    Since my last post I've applied for/ interviewed for a job in State College to start taking steps in my career as well as get closer to Chris. I've applied to a few jobs around here as well, and today I scheduled training for an outpatient therapy job in North Philly. Sometimes I feel like there aren't very many options for me in my field right now, other times I feel like there are too many choices. I'm constantly reminded of the studies that show how people with more choices have higher rates of depression and anxiety, and I relate. While deciding on my next step I have a lot of anxiety about making the right decisions not just for myself, but for everyone involved. I want to make the choices that will benefit my family (both the one I was born into and the one I'm working on creating), my clients, my career, my bank account, my education, and the parts of the world that I touch. It's a lot to take in and a lot to consider when making decisions such as where to work and where to live. My conclusion so far? Apply anywhere I find interesting and when offers come in compare and contrast them and take what looks the best. The thing about it is that I'm apparently rather marketable... a 23 year old master of psychology is something that people seem to interested in.
    While I've been making these decisions Chris has been away in State College, studying and having fun. Our decision to have him got there was a tough one, but what he didn't know until recently is that I pretty much made the decision for him. Since his move here he's seemed like he missed his college life, complaining often about not being able to be with his friends and talking about how cool he thought State College was. I don't necessarily feel the same way and have even felt like I would rather be anywhere but there at points. With all of this I decided to push him to go back. I felt like this would give him the opportunity to return to his ideal college world with his friends... and without his fiance. He could spend some time independent of me and the responsibilities that come with a serious relationship (while maintaining fidelity, of course). He could play in the world that I feel like I grew out of a while ago and figure some things out, grow up and out of it, and figure out what exactly it was about that place and those people that he missed so much. All in all, I'd say this has been a successful venture, even though we've missed each other quite a bit.
    Now that Chris has nearly had his fill of frat boy type college behavior and realized what he finds to be truly important he seems ready to come back here for multiple reasons. The irony of the situation is that while I've been finding a career path close to State College, he's found one close to me. It's quite a Gift of the Magi situation. At this point he's adopted my philosophy of pursing interesting opportunities and waiting until offers come in. Once we've got some things on the table we hope to be able to be back together and back to building our future again.
    Another decision that has come up is that I've decided I will be making application to doctoral programs. I'm ready for the next step in my education, and I haven't given up on the idea of being Dr. Danielle. I know I can do it, I'm certainly good enough, and it is what I want in the long term. Lucky for my I've got an amazing support system to stand behind me and help me achieve my dreams. Between my family, Chris, and the few awesome friends that I have I know that I've got enough people to help me, guide me, and support me through any decision I make. So, ladies and gentleman, if you have suggestions of a doctoral program I should look into feel free to share. I've only got 3 that I know I'm applying to and I'd like to bump that number up to 6.
    In mundane news, my baby sister is coming home for spring break next week so I'm super pumped. It's always nice when our little family can be together. I'm looking at new cars because mine is 12 years old and I don't think that it would hurt to have a more grown up car, what with me being a grown up now and all that. Chris and I still have no date for the wedding, which I really appreciate. I don't think I could handle the stress of wedding planning right now and it's comforting to know that the man who asked me to marry him isn't pushing me to find the time to actually do it either. It's nice to have someone who is on the same page with you, regardless of where that page is in the book.


I try to recognize just how lucky I am on a regular basis. I am blessed with so many things others don't necessarily have. Some of these things have been dropped into my lap by good fortune, others came about from a lot of hard work and determination. Either way, I am one lucky girl. There is no question about that.

I Quit.... Sort Of.

    Things have been crazy busy and hectic in the life of Danielle lately. Living with the love of my life, taking on 2 jobs, getting ready for the things that need to be done in the fall semester, and dealing with dramatic children that have a problem with staying out of my life has all been a little stressful. Chris and I have been talking a lot about it and he reminded me that while I'm great at everything I do, when I spread myself too thin everyone feels it, especially him. We stayed up late last night after work and talked about our financial situation and everything else going on to figure out what can be cut. There had to be a place where I could trim down my schedule so that I can be at 100% and do the best work I can. The decision we came to was hard, but we both knew it was necessary.
    We came to the conclusion that the restaurant job had to go. It's the newest stressor, not bringing in that much money, and making it harder to schedule my career job. I like the people we work with at the restaurant and I feel like it's helping me build character by working really hard, all while giving me a window into a world I'm not usually privy to. It took a lot of talking but we figured out how I should go about it, making sure that the restaurant knew that I really appreciate the opportunity that they'd given me but it simply was a matter of scheduling.
    Cut to me actually going to the restaurant. I'm so insecure I let myself get freaked out and upset, worried that everyone would hate me or that the management would be outraged after they've invested so much time and money training me to be a decent waitress. I was worried that everyone would turn to Chris for answers since he would still be there and maybe even criticize him, or me through him, and make work a little more difficult for him. I was worried that they may be short staffed without my hours (so self centered!!!) and the restaurant would suffer. So many bad things could come out of this, and I realized that any time I've left a job it's been because of an end of an era. Leaving because I'm going to college, ending my time at a place because my internship was over, leaving a job because my education had put me above the position requirements and I was eligible for a different job. While this is similar (with my other job forcing me to make the decision) it felt different. It felt like I was just quitting.
    I get in there and the GM and another manager are in the office. I would have loved to talk to the one other manager there since Chris and I have a budding friendship with him, but it was better to talk to the top of the chain I guess. I asked if I could have a couple of minutes to talk to them and started to lay it out. My other job has given me more clients, I know how hard my schedule is to work around as it is, and I think it would be best for everyone if I gracefully bowed out. Nothing upsets me more than having to call of from a job and with the hectic scheduling it was only a matter of time. I'm terribly sorry and I do appreciate the opportunity but I think it's best if I go before I cause more problems than I fix at the restaurant. My GM was awesome about it. I don't know what I expected... maybe him to grow extra heads and yell or something? He told me that he thought I had potential and would hate to see me burn that bridge. That if I stayed on it would make it easier if at some point I wanted to come back. He knows some of my clients are school kids, so I could pick up shifts when the kids aren't in school, like on holiday breaks or summer time. That's fine, but what about now? We agreed that I would stay on for one shift each week, the same shift each week so that I could schedule around it and have some stability, and if it was still interfering we could revisit it. I assured him that I would finish out the schedule that is out now because I know I've made a commitment there and wouldn't break it. I mean, that's what this is about, keeping my commitments. He seemed appreciative, and while I was there I let the girls that I like know I intended to quit and then the end result of cutting hours so drastically. Nobody was upset, and everyone genuinely seemed glad that I was doing what was right. We all know how awful it can be to work with someone who is not completely there.
    This situation feels like another step in growing up. Making decisions about leaving a job that has potential and prioritizing your life isn't easy, especially if you're like me and feel like once you make a commitment you simply must keep it. I'm really lucky to have a great support system to back me up, paired with understanding employers that do their best to work with me. I hope everyone else is this fortunate!


**A little follow up on one of the silly bitches that has a harassment complaint filed against her. I'm not sure if I quoted the line from her berating message that said that me getting excited about cooking new home made dishes for my husband to be was pitiful, but if I didn't there it is. I was told by someone that I'm friends with that she had apparently posted about how she was making her first ever whole chicken and was really hoping it turned out right. To that I say hypocritical bitch, please. I've been cooking whole chickens since I was like 8. The next day I use some of the leftover meat to make another dish, and use the final leftovers to make a home made soup stock that can feed my family for another few days. Bitches man, bitches.

I'm Sorry You Were Ever Born, Irene Goodnight.

    Thanks to a hurricane I've had to cancel work tomorrow with my client, and our date night hit a little earlier, leaving the fiance and I to have a nice night in. I'm not even mad! It's a nice change from the go, go, go pace we've been keeping... Two days off in a row sound really nice. Secretly I'm hoping we actually do lose power so we can play all off the grid and have some no technology time.
    I was productive before our date tonight though, I went to therapy. My lovely shrink and I talked a lot about where power lies in my life right now. For most of my life I've felt like I have had so little control over what goes on. I've always had someone else to answer to, someone I was working for, and someone that would benefit from what I was doing... and that someone was hardly ever me. For the first time in 23 years I'm finally in control of my life. Sure I'm working crazy hard and things get rough, but I'm doing everything for myself and my future. I'm not working to make someone else happy, I'm not trying to please everyone around me, and I'm not answering to anyone except my self. Of course I still like to make other people happy, but now I have the opportunity to allow it to be about myself, only trying to please the people I want to please, not everyone.
    The steps that I've been going through over the past year are intense for sure. The people closest to me know how much I've changed, and we all agree it's been for the best. It's taken a long time to get to a point where I'm comfortable with myself, at least comfortable enough to live my life for me.
    There's a line in a song by Laura Marling: "It's hard to accept yourself as someone you don't desire, someone you don't want to be." That song struck a chord with me when I first listened to it, and I think that the first step of changing is accepting who you are. If you can't realistically see who you are, you can't change it. To go through a process of accepting yourself in all of your ugliness and imperfection  is daunting on its own. Once that step is taken you have to seriously consider if change is something you can do, and if it's worth it. Then you have to suck it up and do it. Stop doing the things you don't like and start doing things you think might make you happy. Stick with it and work hard. If you can stick it out, you'll be able to reap your rewards.

Growing up is hard to do, and some people never bother to do it. It's an active process. We shouldn't criticize those who are unable to move on, or the people that choose not to. We don't have enough insight to see what they're up against. Consider that first we have to accept ourselves for who we are before we can change, and if you were some of the people you criticize you might not be able to accept it either.

5 Things I've Come Up With

    Obviously there's been a hell of a lot of drama going on. It's been making us (us being Chris and I) analyze our life choices. Here's what we (but mostly me) have come up with:

1) We've got no regrets.
We're each happy we started this relationship and stayed in it at various times when it got rough. Some people might think we've rushed into things, other people might think that when you found the person you know you're supposed to be with you shouldn't put off a wedding for any reason, much less money. Regardless of what people think about our relationship we know whats right for us.
We're happy that we've gotten the liars, malevolent, and baleful people out of our lives. I'm sure more will inevitably crop up as we grow older and get into competitive fields, meet people that we don't know and trust them. What can I say? My husband to be is an insanely openhearted individual. Me, not so much. I guess that'd be one place where he's a little ying to my yang.
We couldn't be happier that we made the decision to move to/stay in the greater Philadelphia area, especially with the alternative of me moving and him staying in Lock Haven/State College. We have so much culture here, and it never ceases to amaze me. "Ugh, I'm bored and it's like Wednesday. Oh, I know, lets go to the World Cafe Live and see a new band play a show while we have dinner!" The central PA version? "Ugh, I'm bored and it's like Wednesday. We could go to the bar... again. Or maybe stay in and watch a movie... But we did that like yesterday. We could drive all the way to Williamsport to do something fun! But that's so far away... Nah. Lets just go to the bar and get wasted because there's nothing else to do and I hate my life here stuck in the mountains."

2) We know who we owe, and what we owe to them.
We've had our fair share of help, and our fair share of being screwed over. We know where we've got debts to pay and work hard to pay them. At this point, anyone that has helped us and not screwed us is close to us in one way or another, and we're happy to have them. We've got amazing people that understand our situation and their understanding sometimes is help enough. We really hope one day we can do as much for them as they do for us, but it's my personal belief that for some people there is no way we'll ever be able to do enough to thank them.

3) Everyone makes mistakes.
We know that we aren't perfect, and sometimes I don't even bother to try. We know we had our faults, and we also know everyone else does too. Judge lest not ye be judged, right? Sure there are some grudges we hold even after we know people may be remorseful and even have apologized, but wounds don't heal over night and some never will. That is just a truth that needs to be accepted, and I know how hard it can be to come to terms with.

4) Growing up isn't easy.
Chris had been doing the whole life thing on his own for a while, but this is my first go at it. The first time I'm out of school and not rushing back next semester, the first time I've lived with someone, the first time I've been engaged. People live different lives and do things at a different rate, so while I may have been taking on the responsibilities of an adult a decade ago it wasn't by choice. This is the first time I get to do it on my own terms. It's tough working two jobs, doing research, studying for exams so I can get into the doctoral programs I want, and maintaining relationships. It makes me so grateful that I've got friends going through the same sort of things.

5) The future is going to be awesome.
Looking at how far we've come from before we met each other, seeing the leaps and bounds we've made even since we got engaged... It makes me so excited for our future. I've said it before and I'll say it again: No matter what happens, knowing that I'll have Chris in my life every day when I get up makes everything feel a little bit better.


    Most people I know have thought I'm an optimist, always looking for the bright spot in a bad situation, trying to enjoy the most menial tasks and looking for opportunities around every corner. Chris is the only person that's easily seen through my bubbly facade (or maybe that I've trusted enough to be honest with) and has told me that I'm pessimistic on multiple occasions. He hasn't said that to me in months, so I guess that on some level I must be getting more excited about the things we have today, and the things we get to look forward to tomorrow.



Oh hey everyone, fun fact: according to the tracking info, some people that don't have access to any sites I post a link for this blog to feel the need to actually google it, just to read it. Now, I'm going to guess that these people are probably the ones who hate me and Chris and think I should grow up and get a life and be more mature, etc. etc. since they're as blocked as I can make them. It's cute really.

Til next blog! <3