"Chapter Four"

     Today my future husband referred to this period of his life as Chapter Four. Chapter One? Childhood. Chapter Two? A wiggly hand and adolescence. Chapter Three? College. Chapter Four: Me. Our life together. What we are and what we will become. This is Chapter Four. How do I feel about being Chapter Four? We'll get to that.
     Yesterday he came home from a 3-4 day trip (it depends who you ask as to how long it was) and returned to Chapter Four. I thought up a system for our communication while he was away that made sure neither of us felt neglected and also made sure neither of us were overwhelmed by the other while we were doing things apart. I spent some time with my friends, he went to see one of his closest friends, and we both got time to ourselves and it was good for both of us.
     Chris and I have both been through a lot lately, and we've had a lot to think about and deal with. We've had life changes. We're moving forward and we have learned to cope with everything that's been thrown at us. We're taking our time, learning how to work as a unit, getting ready for the rest of our lives. Things haven't been easy, and this is something we talk about regularly. We see the people around us, some of them make it look easy, some of them genuinely have most of what they'd like handed to them. While I've had more given to me than Chris has in our lives, both of us have had to work harder than some people we have experience with. It's frustrating. It can be mind blowing. Some people seem to keep getting handouts, second chances, and free passes.
     This isn't a new phenomenon. I've grown to realize that this is something that will always happen. There are people I have known, will know, have gone to school with, worked with, been friends with, and ran into that will be in this free pass group of people. I used to wish I was one of them. On tough days I still do. The most frequent feeling I have, however, is the satisfaction that I have from earning what I have. I've earned my degrees, I've taken responsibility for the financing that was necessary for said degrees. I pay my bills. I take care of my relationships and I take care of everything that needs to be done. I work for my family. I'm a good daughter, sister and fiance. Of course I can't deny that I've had the experience of having most of these things taken care of for me.
     Every single thing I do for myself is far more rewarding than things that have been done for me, and quite frankly they usually turn out better than when people do things for me. I've had both experiences, and I look forward to the future I'm building with Chris where we will always do things for ourselves. One day we will have a family and we'll be able to help our children to grow into responsible, autonomous adults.
     Now, back to Chapter Four. I don't mind being a new chapter for Chris. My only problem with this is that I don't like the image that Chapter Three had to end so that we can start our life together. I don't like endings, and I don't like the idea of something ending because of me. Like in many books characters can stay consistant through chapters. Others need to be killed off or fade out. Some books are highly unpredictable. Nothing is really certain, except for the fact that in this book each chapter from here on out will have two steady characters, Chris and I. We will always be a team, always work together, and forever be a partnership. One that we've worked for and earned through hard work and determination.

Oh, by the way, hockey lockout over? That's one more thing that we waited patiently for, and it feels wonderful to finally have it back. Those boys worked for the changes they achieved... nobody handed it to them, and I bet they feel great for it. 

New Year, New What??

     It's that time of year again. The time during which everyone pretends to open their eyes and realize what they have been ignoring for the majority of their life. That wonderful time when the calendar rolls over and people pretend that they'll truly be making that change this year. After all, they've made their new year resolution!

     If you haven't caught it just yet, I think new year resolutions are silly. Not just silly, but downright stupid. If a person wants to change something in their lives they shouldn't need a date on the calendar or a ball to drop to get them started. Anyone who is serious about change will just work towards it. Individuals who are truly interested generally do not even need a deadline. Change is something that will take time, regardless of who you are or what you'd like to change. There will be setbacks, things will come up. Sometimes the changes are easier or harder than you'd expect and that can effect the time period that it is necessary to put in. To wait for January first to make a change you believe in is silly, and it serves as an excuse to put off change. 

     That being said, everyone around me knows that I've been through quite a bit of change, especially in the last few months, although the argument can be made that real change began a little over a year ago. Last December was when I was interviewing for masters level positions in my field, preparing to leave the job that I'd been at for some time. It was when I met my future parents-in-law. It was when I began to truly become a part of Chris's family, just as he'd been working to become a part of mine. It was when I finally started letting go of all kinds of awful things that had happened and started focusing on me, my life, and my family. 

     I don't hate using the new year as a time for retrospection. It's always a good idea to set aside time to look back and see what has been done and what we've learned from it. It's ok to miss the people we've lost, recognize our appreciation for the ones we've gained, and enjoy the memories we've collected. 

     Use your new year however you like. Try to stay safe, (don't drink and drive!) and enjoy yourself. I'll be using mine to keep growing, becoming a person that I like more and more every day. I'll also be using this year to actually plan our wedding, and tonight I'll be working on relearning how to knit and crochet! 

Tis The Season!

Hey now, don't worry, I haven't forgotten about my darling blog. I've just been busy! I know a couple of the pople who read are fairly regular readers and can become concerned when I haven't written in a while. I may let the entries get farther apart, but I highly doubt I'll be ending the writing I do here any time soon. It's too much of a stress relieving tool for me to let go! So take this awesome web comic and don't worry.

Here it is:

     With Christmas coming up and Thanksgiving just having passed, this is a time of year that most people do a lot of thinking about their lives and the people in them. I, on the other hand, evaluate my life and it's direction regularly, and over the past 2 years have made a habit of paying attention to the people within it and how I feel about them regularly as well. It's kind of like New Year Resolutions. Some people need a certain time of year to inspire thought, analysis and change. I don't make New Year Resolutions because I think that it's silly to need a date on a calendar to make a change in your life. 

     Life changes constantly if you're doing it right. Stagnation (as far as I'm concerned) is a sign of failure. For life to be entertaining and productive I have to have change and motion. The change can be as simple as trying new types of therapy at my job, taking on new types of clients, or working towards adding new resources or programs. It can be more complex, like starting classes or applying to doctoral programs (I've successfully pushed of application for at least another year since I was nervous about it and didn't feel ready. Not my finest moment, but I know that if I start it before I'm ready I won't do as well as I can.). The changes for me can even manifest themselves as something much bigger like planning our wedding and our move. Side note: don't stress out anyone, the move isn't rapidly approaching or anything. It won't be for quite some time, it's just something I should prepare for so that everything goes smoothly and we can be happy with everything that we decide on.

     Now, over the past few months some of the changes in my life were forced upon me without my consent. Losing two of my ex-boyfriends, on of which was a really great friend of mine, forced me to adapt and evaluate certain things before I wanted to. When someone close to you in age, physical proximity and friendship is ripped from the fabric of your universe it can force you to look at many of the aspects of life. Kirk and I used to have a lot of very deep discussions about life, love, and the universe. Now I may have to deal with those deep thoughts on my own.

     Even with the loss of people that I love very much the analysis of my life had a positive result. 

First: I'm happy with my job. It can be really hard work and sometimes I hear awful, tragic stories of neglect, abuse, distorted thoughts, and many other things that can make a child's life difficult to live. That aspect of my work can be very difficult, but it drives me to do my job and constantly work to improve my skill set. For some of the kids I see I'm the closest thing to a functional adult that they have in their lives. Once we get over the irony of that statement and control the laughter that comes with it we can get back to the point, which is that I have the opportunity to change these children's lives. I can help them to repair some of the damage that has been done to them and help guide them to a healthier life, hopefully breaking a societal cycle for some of them. I've had some clients outwardly state that after seeing me they've not only made a conscious decision to do things differently than the people surrounding them, but also feel prepared for the changes and uphill battle that they may encounter. Hearing that from client's is amazing. It makes every tough session or cancellation worth it. I've also seen younger children grow and develop, with the work that I've done with them clearly having an effect on them, and sometimes having their parents tell me how much of a difference I've made. I'd still do my job out of love for the field without these rewards, but seeing and hearing these things may change me as much as I'm told I've changed others. I wish that everyone will at some people have experiences as rewarding as my job is.

Second: I'm happy with my personal life. I'm sad over my losses just like anyone would be. I sometimes find myself wishing that some things hadn't happened the way that they did. When this happens I take a look around and see that the people close to me are exactly what I want. The friends that I hold close are different than I've had in the past, and I now have reciprocal relationships (for the most part). Everyone will always have their melodramatic moments, myself included, but I'm finally around people that are not in a constant state of emotional emergency that they need me to fix for them. I finally have friends that are as interested in being supported and helped by me as they are in being helped and supported themselves. For the longest time I thought that friendships were just what I'd been a part of, one girl always needing, wanting, demanding time energy and attention. Those relationships were draining, and after a little while they started to feel more like obligations than friendships. Now I'm old enough and aware of my situation so I can choose my obligations, and I choose ones that have as much return as they require in output. I am fairly confident in my ability to judge character now and even though I might take my time trusting people or letting them get close to me, I judge better and I'm not afraid to admit when I made a mistake in letting a person into my life or keeping them out. I will work to remedy any mistakes that I've made. It's not easy to admit mistakes to yourself or others. Being able to do so takes effort and maturity.

Third: I'm happy with my family. Both the family I was born into and the one that I'm working on creating. Neither one is always easy. My biological family can be very difficult sometimes. It's hard to be a part of this family and have your own life sometimes. Caring for my sister, helping my mother, being an active daughter and sister in this atmosphere can be seriously challenging. Balancing this family and their needs with my own can be hard. Sometimes I have to change plans on very short notice. Sometimes I have to let my needs fall back until my family is taken care of and stable. Beyond needs is happiness, and my family's happiness is paramount. I would give almost anything to make and keep them happy, which sometimes means that I have to wait to help myself to do what they need. It's always been like that, so it isn't new. What's new is the balance I've been working towards and achieving more often. I'm proud of the growth that I've experienced, growth that helps my family and myself. The family I'm building has to try to grow while we maintain the family I was born into. Like a little sapling that's trying to grow in the shadow of a big, fully grown tree. The big tree gets the nutrients, the sunlight, and is seen by people. The sapling has the benefit of being protected by the bigger tree from threats and elements, but has to be strong and work harder because the big tree gets all of the nutrients and necessities, leaving the sapling with what's left. Our sapling is finding a way to get what it needs. That is a challenge. I'm proud of how strong and understanding my partner is. He makes sure our sapling grows. 

(That got super gross and sappy. Gag. Sorry about that.)

Fourth: I'm happy with the direction that I'm going. I'm working hard in almost every area of my life, including the leisure aspect. I've dedicated time and energy to becoming mentally healthy. Managing my anxiety and moods, working on relaxation, focusing on what I need to be a better, happier, and healthier person. I'm focused on today and the future. I'm ready for what life has to throw at me and I'm happy with the people who will be by my side when it comes. 

     I'll never stop missing the people I've lost, but I will always do my best to appreciate what they've done for me. No matter how a person has left my life I will keep the memory of how they have changed me (for better or worse) and attempt to appreciate it forever.

     So if you do New Years Resolutions, start looking at your life, decide what you like or dislike, attempt to appreciate every aspect of your life, and make changes as you see fit. Don't let other people dictate your life or decisions. Take control and take responsibility. When you own your decisions and create your life you can fix it, change it, and take pride in it. True autonomy. Being in control feels great!

Check out this super sweet drawing our security guard did for me!!!

P.S.-

Super duper congratulations are in order (even if they are a little late) to my friend Karla, who achieved her Masters of Psychology in the spring. Caring people make wonderful therapists, so I'm sure she'll be successful!

Also, for everyone who loves gossip and/or drama: The person whose part in my life inspired me to start this blog got engaged. I'm not sure why people want to tell me about what goes on in that girl's life, especially since she's not a part of mine anymore and I'm happy for that. Still, people want to share this kind of stuff with me for some reason. My suggestion to those of you that have told me you've developed some kind of feelings given how everything happened between us is this- be happy for her. I never dreamed of my wedding, and even being engaged for a year and a half I still don't know what I want, other than to spend the rest of my life with Chris. That girl has been waiting and wishing for a husband since I can remember and she'll finally have it. It's comprable to my masters degree. Something I always knew I wanted and was so excited to finally have. So if you know her, congratulate her. If you don't and have some feelings about her just because of me and that situation, add some good will to the pity that goes her way. 

The Things Bestowed Upon Us

    My last post was a little sad, talking about the death of my first love. It was a tragedy to lose him, but the summer wasn't done showing me all that it had to test me.
    Shortly after my last post I learned that a very dear friend (Kirk), whom I also dated for a short period of time, had passed away. At the far too young age of 24 he was taken from this world, shortly after moving into a new apartment after returning from a mission trip to Baja. The irony of this is not lost on me. This man was doing God's work and then was called home to him.
    I was angry. Kirk was doing everything he could to be good to the world. He was well on his way to changing it, one little bit at a time. The relationship we shared was one of adventure, learning, sharing and influencing. We were ready to start a revolution. We wanted to teach each and every person how to open their eyes and see everything the world has to offer, just like we did. Together we had lofty goals, dreams of grander. Our friendship had grown to the point where he was even prepared to embrace the man that I am going to marry. Over nearly 7 years I'd watched him grow and change, just like I have, into the type of people we want to be.
     Now he cannot progress any farther. His story has ended. Part of me wishes that he had become so wonderful that he'd achieved nirvana and joined the universal energy, but I'm not sure any of us will ever get to a point where we don't have anymore work to do on ourselves.
     This death has hit me even harder than the last one that I've written about. So young, full of life, and ready for the future... An ever present friendship in my life that grown to be unconditional. A person that had grown with me over many years and stages of life. This loss has caused me more pain than I could have anticipated, even if I had anticipated it.
    One more friend, one more loved one, one more person that I had grown close to, gone and gone forever. This fact makes life much more difficult. Daily life becomes a struggle when you are unsure that you'll have the people you care for with you tomorrow. It seems to me that summers have been an unfortunate season for me, starting with wonderful things that are quickly followed by the worst things I could imagine. We all know about my graduation and engagement followed by the betrayal and loss of a friend. This year wonderful work in my field, just what I've worked for, followed by the death of some of my loved ones. Yes, it's only been two years, but two incredibly and unimaginable years. Unimaginable happiness followed by incomprehensible loss.
     Sometimes I hate how much the world around me pulls and pushes at my emotions. Then I hate how my emotions dictate my behaviors. My self control is limited, but getting better. Even with this discomfort caused by my loving, feeling heart, I would never give it up. It has given me the a gift that makes me able to do my job and do it well. Sure, it takes a toll on me, but at the same time it makes me be able to feel for my clients and truly help them.

Gifts given to us are never our choice if they are true gifts. They are bestowed upon us without our input, and we have to decide what to do with them. I will take my strong emotions and empathy and use it every single day to help myself, my loved ones, and anyone who needs it. 

No matter what happens after we die, you will always be a part of the living world, through the love that you spread and the changes you made to yourself, your family, your friends, and the world as a whole. KMD

Death of a Love

     Recently my online presence has been minimal, and that hasn't been an accident. My career is taking off in wonderful ways, my family has been growing together in a way that makes me proud, and my relationship moves closer to the ideal every day. All of these things are reasons that have kept me busy. Unfortunately my distractions were not all that wonderful.     Two weeks ago someone very dear to me died. My first love (a distinction that wasn't only mine, no matter how I feel about that) took his own life after a long struggle and a painful life. The news was unexpected, especially since I had spoken to him only a week earlier and he assured me that he was doing well. I've always tried to explain to Chris that my emotions are a little more complicated than his, and when I love someone I will love them forever, although not in the same way. I don't think he really understood until he saw my reaction to this death. He's seen my reaction to death, he's seen me in pain, he's seen me mourn the death of something I thought was important and never thought I would lose, but he'd never seen this. I still don't think he understands, and I don't think I will ever be able to explain it to him.
     Regardless of how much pain or joy this person caused me, he was my first love. He showed me a lot of the world, some of which I wish I had never known. He changed me, removed the innocence of youth, stood by my side in some painful situations. He was one of my first experiences of adulthood and he helped me learn what I did and did not want out of life. He caused some lasting damage that has made my relationships since then a struggle. He did a lot of things for reasons I didn't understand. One thing I do understand is that I loved him. I was still very young and had a lot of growing to do, but that fact is unchangeable.
     Since his passing I have taken the time to mourn him. I found the box that I kept our old things in. Things I had long forgotten about. Love notes, a card from flowers, an anniversary gift with a note about how he'd love me forever. This box was opened many times, since that relationship was on again, off again. Each time it ended more things were put in the box, and each time we came back together I would open it again and we would remember how we'd been before. I hadn't even thought about this box in years, and I have known for quite some time there would never be anything more to add to it. Looking through this box, at the pieces of him, the secrets we shared, the love and pain that he gave me... it helped me realize that he will never be back again. I will always know that our relationship was something else. Not healthy, but different than anything I'd known before or anything I'd let myself get into afterward. I will always love that man in a special way, but I almost breathe a sigh of relief knowing that I won't have to witness (or try to help) his suffering anymore.
     Chris has been here with me while I've processed and dealt with this. Every day he becomes more and more wonderful than I had anticipated. I am lucky to be loved by a man like him, and he inspires me to work towards being a better person. I hope that some of my issues surrounding relationships will die along with my first love, allowing me the freedom I need to continue to grow into a happy, healthy person.

May my first love rest in peace, and in death finally feel the warmth and support those around him attempted to provide to him in life. 

Enough is Enough

    "Enough is enough!" It's a phrase that we have all heard since we were children. Our parents have said it when they're tired of what we get ourselves into. Our friends say it when they've had too much to drink. We even say it on occasion when we've eaten too much for dinner. It's a phrase with a very clear meaning- it's time to stop. Still, the question arises, as adults, when is enough really enough?
    I mean this not so much in the negative way of doing or having too much of something, but rather as a question of self-fulfillment. We create goals for ourselves and set out to achieve them. We work hard to make ourselves and those who matter to us proud. When we hit milestones and achieve our goals we set new ones. It makes sense, and according to certain psychological schools of thought a person can never be "finished" with this process and be happy. We have to continue changing and developing, adapting to our surroundings and working to become a person we are pleased with.
    When is it enough though? How far do we have to go before we can stop working so hard, or at least stop working on changes and advancements of great magnitude? I know people who seem to be ok with who they are and where they are in their lives, and for the most part I think that's great. I'm even a little bit jealous. I feel this jealousy because I've achieved most of the goals I've set for myself, and within the timeline I wanted as well, but every time I do something that I've set out to do I feel compelled to go after something else. Something new, bigger, harder, and more impressive.
    By 24 I've achieved a masters degree in the field that I love (Just to clarify how awesome I am, I was only 23 when I got the degree). I've completed internships and specializations to deepen my knowledge and skill level. I'm lucky enough to have not one, but two jobs in this field, one of which is doing what I've wanted to do since I remember choosing this field, outpatient therapy. This job provides me with competitive compensation and opportunities for advancement. In my personal life I've met a man that outshines any other I've met in the past and have accepted a marriage proposal (regardless of how much I may be dragging my feet on the planning process!). I've taken the tough steps to clear out my inner circle and recognize the truly wonderful friends I have, helping me to appreciate them more than I ever have before. I've continued to strengthen relationships with my family, being the best sister and daughter that I can be. I have pets that I love and care for. I'm planning a future that involves the American dream modified for what I want: a home, a husband, children and a career. By 24 I've created a life that some people can only hope will become a possibility some day.
    Even so, it doesn't seem to be enough for me. I crave further advancements in almost every area. It is not necessarily that I want these things right now, just that I want them. I always want to be better, go farther, and do more. I try to figure out why, what it is that drives me. It's not competition, I've never been too competitive. It's not external pressure, the people in my world don't seem to attached to these accomplishments or live vicariously through me. For now I just convince myself that the drive comes simply from a desire for self improvement, and that I can live with.

Just in case you haven't seen this yet, it's hilarious, and you've been missing out.

Poeple Help Create Humanity

    I think we can all agree that we are who we have become  has a lot to do with the people that have been a part of our lives. As children we have less control of whom we have in our lives, the control in this situation is generally more of the choice of our parents or guardians. They set up play dates that we may or may not request. The people in our lives end up there without us generally choosing, sometimes without us actually wanting it. As we get older we are generally surrounded by peers in school. We have less opportunity to interact with people outside of this group due to our location and lack of mobility... we still rely on our parents to take us places. We grow older and gain independence. We learn to drive and can expand our social circles. If we are fortunate enough we may go to college, expanding our potential social circles to the entire student body, perhaps even some faculty, although most of us restrict our friend group to those that we have classes with, dorm with, join clubs with, or have some other thing in common. We most likely miss out on some great social interactions because of the restrictions that manifest. This particular entry is not about what we've missed out on, though. It's about what we have experienced and how it has shaped us.
    Every interaction we have helps to shape who we become. We meet people and learn things. We learn about them, their interests, the knowledge that they have is shared with us and we grow. We gather information about what we like and do not like, and we use that information to help us determine what we'd like to have and do in the future. Some of us quickly realize what we like and attempt to continue experiencing things that fall into that category. Others of us simply start to notice things that we don't like, note the things we do, and attempt to continue to gather more information through more experiences. I'm generally in the second group. I find things I like and don't like, avoid things I know I don't like (not always very successfully), but most of my focus is set on finding new experiences and meeting new people so that I can keep finding out what I like or do not enjoy, so that I can continue growing and learning forever! Stagnation is frightening to me, so I would rather keep doing new things than stick to something comfortable.
     Of course, as a part of this process people come in and out of our lives. So often the loss of a person can be painful or unpleasant, like in the event of a break up or death. When we begin to associate this extreme negative feeling with the individual that has left our life many of us wish that we could remove all memory of the person from our minds. People wish for an Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind situation. Unfortunately I can't fully understand this. Sure, it can be painful to be reminded of a person once they have left our lives, especially if it was a nonconsensual parting. Still, why would we want to remove a person from memory? At one point we enjoyed their company, they have helped us to become who we are today. Unless you are truly unhappy with whom you have become there is no need to try and forget these people. Furthermore, if you are unhappy with the person you have become, you cannot blame this on others. Taking responsibility for the person you are is a necessary part of maturing.
    To personalize this issue I will mention a few specifics. I invited my ex to my graduation a year ago even though we were no longer together. He helped me get to where I am, being somewhat supportive, encouraging me to pursue my dreams to an extent. Our ending even helped me to a point. By realizing that our relationship would not work out, for whatever reason, I was pushed to be more independent and to find myself, find what I wanted out of life and go after it. Over the years my ex and I have been forced farther and farther apart, and now we do not even speak. I hear he is expecting a child. He will be a loving father and I have only the best wishes for he and his girlfriend. My only wish for myself in that situation is for him to know how much hope I have for him to find happiness, especially given the happiness that his role in my life has helped me to find the same.
    Now, I am sure that anyone who has read this blog from the beginning would be interested in how I feel about the individual that inspired the creation of this blog. There is a person that I gave so much to, that my family opened their home and their hearts to, that I invested time, energy and money into with the only return being a painful, borderline cruel slap in the face. This individual left with hundreds (perhaps even thousands) of dollars of money that she owed (which adds to the irony, since we took her in so she could pay off some of the debt that she felt so overwhelmed by) to me and my family. She walked out of our lives with not so much as a "thank you" or a "goodbye" after we had struggled to give her everything she needed to be comfortable and start her life the way she wanted it. All of this after being in my life for 18 years. She claimed that she felt like we were the family she wished she had, and that I was the best friend she ever could have hoped for. She filled my world with lies and deceit, taking everything she could and giving nothing but pain in return. So wouldn't I want to erase this person from my memory completely?
    Parts of me would love to have no memory of her at all. She gave my faith in humanity a huge blow. I couldn't understand how someone could be so incredibly thankless and inconsiderate, especially with people continually handing her what she wanted, bending over backwards to try and give her what she wanted because they felt bad for her, although all of the sympathy she built for herself was a lie as well. This person has made themselves almost the worst person I've ever known in my head. Every time I hear about her hurting someone else I just shake my head, almost wishing I could have warned them, but I know it's not my place by any means to interfere with other people's relationships. Also, people tried to warn me that she was a liar and not to be trusted, not to mention that I watched her talk about people behind their backs while they helped her on such a regular basis. In retrospect, anything that happened was my own fault. I take responsibility for being so giving and getting walked on. I could have, or should have, been more guarded and kept myself safe, but I chose not to. I have been fortunate enough to learn from this situation.
    The take home message? I know that relationships are hard. I recognize that after these relationships end we can learn from them much better than when we are in them. Good or bad, long or short, ended or not, we are shaped by the people we have interactions with. Some people make us happy and build us up, others make us doubt our judgement and bring us down, occasionally even hurting our faith in humanity. Even with all of this, we have to recognize our own part of this process. We can't blame other people for our lives and how they end up.
   

Responsibility is something we try to teach children, but so many adults still don't grasp the concept. We are exactly what we are, we've become so by our own choices, even if the only choice we had control over was how we react.