Monday, October 1, 2012

The Things Bestowed Upon Us

    My last post was a little sad, talking about the death of my first love. It was a tragedy to lose him, but the summer wasn't done showing me all that it had to test me.
    Shortly after my last post I learned that a very dear friend (Kirk), whom I also dated for a short period of time, had passed away. At the far too young age of 24 he was taken from this world, shortly after moving into a new apartment after returning from a mission trip to Baja. The irony of this is not lost on me. This man was doing God's work and then was called home to him.
    I was angry. Kirk was doing everything he could to be good to the world. He was well on his way to changing it, one little bit at a time. The relationship we shared was one of adventure, learning, sharing and influencing. We were ready to start a revolution. We wanted to teach each and every person how to open their eyes and see everything the world has to offer, just like we did. Together we had lofty goals, dreams of grander. Our friendship had grown to the point where he was even prepared to embrace the man that I am going to marry. Over nearly 7 years I'd watched him grow and change, just like I have, into the type of people we want to be.
     Now he cannot progress any farther. His story has ended. Part of me wishes that he had become so wonderful that he'd achieved nirvana and joined the universal energy, but I'm not sure any of us will ever get to a point where we don't have anymore work to do on ourselves.
     This death has hit me even harder than the last one that I've written about. So young, full of life, and ready for the future... An ever present friendship in my life that grown to be unconditional. A person that had grown with me over many years and stages of life. This loss has caused me more pain than I could have anticipated, even if I had anticipated it.
    One more friend, one more loved one, one more person that I had grown close to, gone and gone forever. This fact makes life much more difficult. Daily life becomes a struggle when you are unsure that you'll have the people you care for with you tomorrow. It seems to me that summers have been an unfortunate season for me, starting with wonderful things that are quickly followed by the worst things I could imagine. We all know about my graduation and engagement followed by the betrayal and loss of a friend. This year wonderful work in my field, just what I've worked for, followed by the death of some of my loved ones. Yes, it's only been two years, but two incredibly and unimaginable years. Unimaginable happiness followed by incomprehensible loss.
     Sometimes I hate how much the world around me pulls and pushes at my emotions. Then I hate how my emotions dictate my behaviors. My self control is limited, but getting better. Even with this discomfort caused by my loving, feeling heart, I would never give it up. It has given me the a gift that makes me able to do my job and do it well. Sure, it takes a toll on me, but at the same time it makes me be able to feel for my clients and truly help them.

Gifts given to us are never our choice if they are true gifts. They are bestowed upon us without our input, and we have to decide what to do with them. I will take my strong emotions and empathy and use it every single day to help myself, my loved ones, and anyone who needs it. 

No matter what happens after we die, you will always be a part of the living world, through the love that you spread and the changes you made to yourself, your family, your friends, and the world as a whole. KMD