Friday, July 29, 2011

With how much we change, how can we know each other?

    I'm sitting here on the couch of our darling one bedroom apartment, my cat on our other couch and the chicken soup I'm making from scratch on the stove, thinking about everything that I've been learning. I've learned about myself, other people, the "real world," and everything else that comes into my life.
    Most importantly to me, I'm learning how to live as an adult and become a good wife. I've gone through this rough economy and finally found an adult job. I'm cooking from scratch for my husband to be, figuring out what he likes and how to make the most out of the little money we have. Tonight's soup is a homemade stock and chicken from the dinner I made last night, I'm so proud! I'm learning how to not run home every time there is a rough patch, not asking for help every time things are uncomfortable. It's not easy to do or adjust to, but it makes me proud of myself and confident that Chris and I can get through anything, and while it's nice to know that we have support from my family we don't need it on a regular basis. Granted I still have my mother's help in most things, but we both know I'm moving further towards independence.
    Life throws curve balls, it's just something you've got to get used to. We have ups and downs no matter what we do. Our lives change, people come and go, and we have little control over it unless it's an active change that we're making. Which is awesome. All of this brings me to a question that I can't quite answer...
    With how much we change, how can we know each other? We go through life forming relationships and making bonds, the whole time changing and developing. Unless someone is right by your side through it all it's only chance that keeps relationships together. The more an individual is needy or conforming, especially if they lack autonomy, the chance of things staying the way they once were goes down. The impact an individual can have in helping another person maintain their identity is often unseen. As soon as a strong individual separates themselves (by choice or chance) from a weaker one (simply weaker in a sense of personality, which could be a positive for some people) the weaker individual latches on to someone else to find identity. Unfortunately that can sometimes be a move for the worst.
    I'm confident that I'm growing into a more independent individual, able to maintain my personality and change in a controlled way, all the while having a wonderful man on my side to keep my feet on the ground.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Tired of being the bigger person?

    I have to admit, that actually makes me giggle a little. I've been swearing I'm going back to hitting the gym, but then we got this awful heatwave and job interviews and we just haven't had the time. Either way this isn't about body image issues. That would be dumb.
    Last night in a pretty drunken feeling of loveliness I decided that I shouldn't be so harsh on LCCWB's boyfriend. I mean, everyone had already told me that he lacks any autonomy and shouldn't be blamed for his actions. Like an uneducated 4 year old. I still want nothing to do with him, but I decided that I shouldn't be holding what he did against him. That could make someone think I didn't want them in my house. Kind of put a strain on another friendship. Right? Either way, I'm not happy about it, and in retrospect I think it was a horrible idea (simply because trying to be any level of nice to these people is a waste of time and effort) and I only wish I could take it back. Oh, it? I sent this message to him via facebook:

So as unhappy as I still am with you, and as much as I still don't want anything to do with you, after everything that's gone on I've been thinking a lot. And discussing it with my therapist. While my ultimate hope would be that you would meet an unfortunate and untimely end, that's probably not going to happen. Therefore I'm marrying someone who, for some reason, still considers you a friend.

I don't think you deserve him as a friend. He's too good to be treated the way you treat him, which is generally as an afterthought. In the time we've all known each other I don't think I've ever seen you put good old GA first, regardless of the situation. Lucky for me I've realized what real friends are, and who deserves to be considered a friend by me, and you and LCCWB don't fit into that category. Unfortunately he hasn't figured out that he deserves better yet. You're a shit friend to him, but the ending point is that for some fucked up reason he still considers you to be a friend.

That being said, if you ever decided to put him first and, oh I don't know, want to come visit him and show your support for his new life with med school and engagements and moving on with everything (which I highly doubt you could ever find time in your oh so busy schedule to come see one of your "best friends") go ahead and do it. You can stay here and see him all you want. I, however won't be staying here if you plan to do that so I'd like advance notice.

You're disrespectful lying girlfriend is still not welcome here and never will be, so I'd suggest against bringing her here, even if I'm not.

Now, I wish I had sent something that said: 
Fuck off and die asshat. You're a little bitch boy that doesn't deserve a part in my life even if it is only through someone else. You and your girlfriend are worthless, the only people who would miss you if you were dead would be your parents, cuz hers certainly don't care. In all reality, though, it would probably lift a burden from your parents if you two died, since they're financing your life together. I mean I'm sure waitressing is really covering all of those bills. No? Right, well maybe suicide pact then? Do everyone a favor. 

    But that would also be a little off base, right? At least then I could be like "Oh, so sorry I acted as immaturely and awful as LCCWB does on a regular basis, but I was wasted! WASTED! Not my fault. That is what we say when we're a cunt right? We don't take responsibility? No? Great!"
    The long and short of it is that in my inebriated state, for just a little while, even if it wasn't in the nicest way, I started to put someone's feelings just a little over my own. I don't want that jerk here. I don't ever want to think of him or his girlfriend again. But my fiance, the love of my life, hasn't realized that he's a worthless fuck head yet. He still wants to be friends or whatever. So I didn't want one of my future husbands "friends" feeling unwelcome in our home. That would be awful.  I like to be a good host and the last thing I want to do is make someone uncomfortable. For the last 6 months LCCWB lived at my house she managed to make me so uncomfortable I didn't even stay there very often at all. I spend more time there now that I've officially moved out than I did when she was living there. All because I felt like I couldn't be in my own house. It was awful and I didn't want that for someone else. 
    The response I got? Nothing. I had to unblock him to send the message and be (psuedo) nice to him. He returned the gesture by ignoring it and blocking me. Now in all reality it was probably LCCWB who intercepted the message (she looked over his shoulder for his password like 2 weeks into their relationship and has been fucking with his shit ever since) and acted that way so there would be no way he could know I was trying to be nice. That's the kind of manipulative bullshit that she would do to avoid having to look like the bad person. Nearly everything out of her mouth is a lie, and she only tells the truth if it might benefit her. For her boyfriend to know that his friend's fiance was  a decent person, contrary to what she had told him would shatter things for her. 
    Long story short, this is just one more example of how I shouldn't bother with people in general, but especially people who have proven themselves to not be worth it. That couple, aside from introducing us, has done nothing good for either Chris or I in over a year. Not been a positive or supportive influence. Not helped or even really listened to anything we had to say. Not even shown the respect that any human being deserves towards us. They don't deserve for me to try to be nice to them. I only wish my darling fiance could recognize that as well and stop talking to them. Let go of a crap friendship that hasn't produced anything positive in over years. 

    Lessons like that are hard to learn, and I wish that I had the support of my other half so I could learn it too. It's like smoking. We're quitting treating ourselves like shit, and it's easier to quit something if you've got someone else there with you.  

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Then we looked at our bank accounts.

    I absolutely hate it when people complain about how much money they don't have. I get it, you're broke, do something about it or shut up. Actually, shut up either way. Don't complain, just make a change that will benefit you or work harder at what you're doing. Take a job that you're better than and work your ass off for minimum wage. Move into a smaller place. I don't care how you deal with it but just fucking deal. Everyone else does.
    That being said, I'm really bummed out about the financial situation. I know, I know, but I figure I've listened to so many other people bitch that I feel like it'll be ok if I do it once. So stop reading if it bugs you out.
    Chris and I are trying to plan a wedding. Weddings cost money. Money is something that we don't have right now. Near empty bank accounts countered with a lack of paychecks is something that is making us incredibly uncomfortable. Add on debts to other individuals and financial institutions and it's almost unbearable. Now I know that things are going to change. If we stick it out through August my hours at work are going to jump at the same time Chris's fellowship checks start coming in, as well as his (hopeful) job with Apple, and him continuing with Blizzard. He has been doing a great job taking care of us, keeping a roof over our heads, and making sure we're ok... but ok isn't comfortable, and ok won't fund a wedding.
    We're an us now, so the financial situations are combined. Maybe not legally just yet but I'm one of those old school people who believes that engagement is practice for marriage. This means that no matter what or who got us into this financial situation, whether it was my car needing work or Chris's job, our choice of apartments that are a little expensive, me not having an income for a while or job hours being cut back, it doesn't matter. What matters is where we are and how we're going to have to work really hard to get back to comfortable. 3 months, tops, and we'll be in a situation to not only be comfortable but also to be able to save money, even be a little more luxurious too.
    Now if only I could get some things done around the house when I'm out of it.... How will we make that happen???

Saturday, July 16, 2011

I googled murder...

    Ok, I didn't google murder. I don't usually google things like that, especially after my work in prison. I know enough about it.
    What is true is that I've been having the most vivid and graphic dreams lately, and they include murder. Now this would normally just upset me a little, but in these dreams I'm the one causing the deaths. Sometimes it's just by standing by and letting the people die, sometimes it's because I refused to help, and in one of them I was the person actively and graphically murdering people. If it had been one dream I may have let it go without much thought. I'm always dreaming something strange. Sometimes it fascinates Chris because he doesn't usually have in depth dreams, at least not ones he remembers. Sometimes they're strange and funny, and sometimes they're vivid memories of what has already happened, sometimes they're about things that are going to happen. My dreams vary and are usually entertaining.
    Either way these dreams really stuck with me and stayed in my head. Today I went to see my little sister. A while back she got very interested in dream interpretation and absorbed a lot of it. After telling her all about these dreams she had some super insight. She told me that death generally means change. Murder = forced death, therefore forced change, or at least change that I'm not stopping even if someone asked me to. Her interpretation seemed good. That girl has really got something.
    For the first time since I can remember I'm actively making change, and it's not always pretty. I've got to really work at the process. I'm cutting people out of my life for good and opening the doors to others. I'm letting myself put myself first. I'm in the process of developing hobbies and interests that are all my own, while beginning a career that would easily support me without anyone else's help. I'm becoming independent while working on myself to increase my health mentally and physically.
    For the first time in my entire life I'm becoming a happy, healthy, autonomous and independent individual. It's a good feeling.

Still no word from darling George. I have to say I'm glad to have him gone, just like I'm glad to get people gone from my life. Although, once again Georgie boy, if you want to hop back on and start stirring up trouble again, please do. I'm at a point where I can laugh at the pseudo-anonymous comments because it shows that people can't hide their pitiful childish lying ways. I won't lie though. I play Warcraft with my husband to be, so I guess I'm childish too. Except we rock at it, so....

Thanks for reading! Oh, and in case it wasn't clear, I don't want to or plan to kill anyone. Although a couple weeks ago I would have loved to stab a bitch! :)

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Just because you close a chapter doesn't mean it'll stay closed.

    I've been doing really well with everything in my life. Scored a job interview for something in my field, worked out some issues with the future husband, and have been working really hard in therapy. Like I've said before, I'm done with the LCCWB situation. She's out of my life and not welcome to return. I was finally separating myself from it and it felt good.
    There is only one hang up with this situation. My fiance feels the way that I do about friendships. Some friends are family to us and relationships like that shouldn't just be let go. Unfortunately this means he has an attachment to her boyfriend, a guy that my honey has known since high school. At one point Chris had decided, like I had, that this parallel couple didn't need to be a part of our lives. This, however, has changed for him in his desperation to maintain the relationships he'd worked so hard to form years ago. Unfortunately for me this means he felt that it would be most beneficial to ask the pussy ass boyfriend to apologize to me.
    This apology was too little too late. Between the name calling and threatening that he did to me I feel like a genuine apology would have to have come far sooner, simply when he cooled off and realized what he'd done was wrong, much like my apology to his Lying Cheating Cuntfaced Whore Bitch girlfriend did. The time that has passed since all of this started is too much time. If you're truly sorry you would have made it a point to express that a long time ago. You also wouldn't need to be prompted by my darling husband to be. Too little, too late.
    Furthermore, the last time I spoke to this individual I told him to lose my number, not to call or contact me again. I told him that he and his girlfriend were no longer welcome in my life, my home, or anywhere around me. I wanted them to drop off the face of my earth and leave me alone. They'd already done enough to make me unhappy... I didn't need anymore. So, at this point, even if he felt the need to apologize he shouldn't have gone directly to me, but rather asked Chris to see if it was ok with me to contact me. I would have said it wasn't. If you can't respect me or my wishes there is no way that I will have a relationship with you in any way.
    Why can't this just go away? I'm exhausted. I don't do well with hating people, or even staying angry for very long. This is why I just want it to go away. We live hundreds of miles from them. We don't travel in the same circles anymore, with the exception of 2 friends. I'm not interested in reconciliation. Not now, not ever. I deserve better than that and decided that I'm going to do my best to give that to myself.
    If my fiance wants to associate with people that have no respect for me and can cause me so much pain, it sucks but it's the way it is. We are separate entities and therefore have the right to maintain friendships that don't involve one another. Quite frankly, as long as I don't have to see or hear from those people, I'm fine with it. This will have to be worked out by the time we make a guest list for the wedding, but until then I just don't care. As long as I don't have to deal with it.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Is this what growing up is supposed to be?

    In our new life Chris and I have a lot of challenges to face. I'm still in the job market, trying to find something that fits, or more realistically just find something. At this point I've accepted that the closest thing to my field I'll get will be as a TSS, a job I'm incredibly overqualified for. Unfortunately that job won't start until the school year starts so I'm pretty useless as far as financials go. Chris is working so hard for us both with 2 jobs (hopefully soon to be 3 with the recent Apple interview!) and it causes a lot of stress. The poor thing is putting himself through hoops far and wide, causing exhaustion and fatigue almost all the time. It makes me feel useless and like the things I can contribute just aren't good enough. Living paycheck to paycheck is not what I was hoping for, even if it will only be for a few more weeks.
   I keep hope that once Chris starts medical school and we start getting his fellowship salary, which should be around the same time I start working again, we'll be more comfortable. I know I won't be super happy with the jobs that I'll have access to for a while, until I get decent experience in my field. It's horribly inconvenient that you can get an MA by 23, but nobody wants you til you've got years of experience, which most of us didn't have time to get while we were finishing these degrees. It's frustrating beyond belief.
   Things that make us frustrated and unhappy will make us stronger in the end, therefore making it easier to be happy later, right??

Thursday, July 7, 2011

So much time wasted, so much future to fix it.

    So lots of people close to me have noticed that I've been having a rough time lately. I'm still so totally broken up about the way things between LCCWB and I went down that I slipped into a little depression. Now, I know that this is stupid, and that a person who doesn't deserve to be in your life shouldn't be in your thoughts, but it shows how devastated I've been by losing someone who I put so much time and effort into.
    I tried to help someone at every point when they needed it. I supported this person and was honest with them. When they were down, I helped them up. I lent them money, spent time with them whenever they wanted companionship, picked up the pieces every time they didn't listen to my advice and got hurt. I went so far as to offer them a place in my family home when they couldn't afford to live on their own anymore and was looking at living out of their car because even their family wouldn't take them in. I gave this person everything I had to give, emotionally, monetarily and in any other way that I could. After almost 2 decades, when I'm finally tapped out, she's decided that she's done and doesn't care for our friendship anymore. While I find this really hurtful, some people close to me make some really good points. They continue to be adamant that she's jealous (this was discussed in an earlier post) and believe that she's the type of person that uses those around her for whatever they're good for. Once they're not useful anymore she leaves them and never looks back. Unfortunately that's something that other people who've extended a helping hand to her corroborate. I hate to know that I'm such a poor judge of character that I invested so much into someone worth so little. Of course I don't mean worth so little in a sense of what she ever did for me, because I never asked her for a thing and she never gave anything without being begged. I simply mean that someone who can't realize the value of a friendship that has given them so much isn't worth the friendship.
    People have pointed out that she's probably not thinking about it nearly as much as I have. That may be one of the most hurtful parts of this whole situation. I think about people that I met years ago, and only saw once, and the impact they've had on me and how it continues. I know that LCCWB doesn't care to remember anything good anyone has done for her. I'm absolutely flabbergasted that people can be so ungrateful with no though whatsoever. It sucks.
   Most of you know that I'm in therapy, and thank god for that. I have a lot of issues feeling like I'm not worth being treated well. I feel responsible for the bad things that happen, even if I had no hand in it. I wonder consistently why people are there for me and feel indebted to them. I ask for nothing because I feel like I don't deserve anyone's help, love or affection. These are things I work on regularly in therapy. I've even been finding myself using some CBT techniques (nobody tell Tom) to try and help me regain the ground I've lost in this situation.
    I've talked to a lot of people about this, I simply need to. Even my ex has been a wonderful support. I've just been in a really bad place right now. I've been so upset I can't plan for my wedding, even considering makes me want to cry. I've felt isolated and alone, and I've got no girl to chat it up with. Chris assures me that we'll be making new friends, but I don't even want to. My faith in humanity is dwindling, and why try with another person just to be hurt again? 
    Today, when I woke up feeling shitty about the situation again, I decided that it's over. I'm done letting myself beat myself up about someone else's shit behavior. Back to the gym, continuing with therapy, and making the most of the life we have.

No kittens today, and for a good reason. Pretty much everyone agrees that Georgie boy was either the bitch in question or her ball-less pussy boyfriend. See, they didn't have enough guts to say or do anything directly, but were obsessed enough to read and attack the blog. Now that they've been blocked from every media we've got this blog posted on, George is silent. Awkward... But not really. Stupid douche bags.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

New month, new day, new questions.

    Every day in this phase of life I'm coming up with questions that need to be answered. One of the biggest ones is obviously figuring out exactly what marriage is. I realize that while I've always considered being married, but never given too much thought as to what a good marriage should be. Needless to say, we're figuring it out. I know that I always thought I wouldn't want to live with someone until we were married, but Chris's proposal of moving in during our engagement has turned out to be wonderful. I haven't lived with anyone but my family and one unfortunate stray we let in since college. Now Chris and I have the chance to figure out exactly what each of us needs in a nice cozy 1 bedroom apartment. I'm learning what our marriage will be, and how to talk to him when I'm unhappy rather than just going to another room. It's not always easy, but I love it. Even when we have a tough time it ends up as a learning experience and we always seem to go to bed happy.
    A question that has come up recently (today actually) is how could a relationship that is built on lies survive? I'm so compulsively honest, especially with Chris, that I don't think I could possibly live day to day if I was keeping secrets from him, let alone actively lying to him. I understand omitting the occasional incriminating detail in the beginning of the relationship. Maybe we don't want our significant other to know just how many other people we've been with, or just how bad we've been in the past. We grow and change, and perhaps we want this new relationship to be a part of this "changed" us. I suppose it could be understandable. I'm lucky in my relationship with Chris, if for no other reason then I tried to scare him away from the start with the truth. I wasn't looking for a serious relationship, so I figured telling the complete truth right away might make him reconsider what he was getting into. It didn't work.
    My relationship aside, isn't there a point where you have to be honest or the relationship has to end? If you go on lying for a long period of time, wouldn't that in and of itself cause the relationship to end? Especially if you are lying about big, important things. If we lie about things, like being sick for instance, having something like a mental illness or an STD like herpes that doesn't necessarily show symptoms, at some point our partner will have to find out. Now I'm not talking about casual flings or one night stands (although if you have something potentially contagious you should always inform your sexual partners), I'm talking about relationships. At some point you'll have a slip, show a symptom, or their own inquisitiveness will bring them to notice something going on.
    Why would a person set themselves up to damage a relationship that they've built. It seems obvious that someone would be lying to their partner due to fear of losing the relationship if their secret was found out, but when the secret inevitably surfaces won't that damage the trust and put the relationship in jeopardy anyway?

Even with 5 years of studying psychology there are a lot of things I don't understand about people.