Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I Quit.... Sort Of.

    Things have been crazy busy and hectic in the life of Danielle lately. Living with the love of my life, taking on 2 jobs, getting ready for the things that need to be done in the fall semester, and dealing with dramatic children that have a problem with staying out of my life has all been a little stressful. Chris and I have been talking a lot about it and he reminded me that while I'm great at everything I do, when I spread myself too thin everyone feels it, especially him. We stayed up late last night after work and talked about our financial situation and everything else going on to figure out what can be cut. There had to be a place where I could trim down my schedule so that I can be at 100% and do the best work I can. The decision we came to was hard, but we both knew it was necessary.
    We came to the conclusion that the restaurant job had to go. It's the newest stressor, not bringing in that much money, and making it harder to schedule my career job. I like the people we work with at the restaurant and I feel like it's helping me build character by working really hard, all while giving me a window into a world I'm not usually privy to. It took a lot of talking but we figured out how I should go about it, making sure that the restaurant knew that I really appreciate the opportunity that they'd given me but it simply was a matter of scheduling.
    Cut to me actually going to the restaurant. I'm so insecure I let myself get freaked out and upset, worried that everyone would hate me or that the management would be outraged after they've invested so much time and money training me to be a decent waitress. I was worried that everyone would turn to Chris for answers since he would still be there and maybe even criticize him, or me through him, and make work a little more difficult for him. I was worried that they may be short staffed without my hours (so self centered!!!) and the restaurant would suffer. So many bad things could come out of this, and I realized that any time I've left a job it's been because of an end of an era. Leaving because I'm going to college, ending my time at a place because my internship was over, leaving a job because my education had put me above the position requirements and I was eligible for a different job. While this is similar (with my other job forcing me to make the decision) it felt different. It felt like I was just quitting.
    I get in there and the GM and another manager are in the office. I would have loved to talk to the one other manager there since Chris and I have a budding friendship with him, but it was better to talk to the top of the chain I guess. I asked if I could have a couple of minutes to talk to them and started to lay it out. My other job has given me more clients, I know how hard my schedule is to work around as it is, and I think it would be best for everyone if I gracefully bowed out. Nothing upsets me more than having to call of from a job and with the hectic scheduling it was only a matter of time. I'm terribly sorry and I do appreciate the opportunity but I think it's best if I go before I cause more problems than I fix at the restaurant. My GM was awesome about it. I don't know what I expected... maybe him to grow extra heads and yell or something? He told me that he thought I had potential and would hate to see me burn that bridge. That if I stayed on it would make it easier if at some point I wanted to come back. He knows some of my clients are school kids, so I could pick up shifts when the kids aren't in school, like on holiday breaks or summer time. That's fine, but what about now? We agreed that I would stay on for one shift each week, the same shift each week so that I could schedule around it and have some stability, and if it was still interfering we could revisit it. I assured him that I would finish out the schedule that is out now because I know I've made a commitment there and wouldn't break it. I mean, that's what this is about, keeping my commitments. He seemed appreciative, and while I was there I let the girls that I like know I intended to quit and then the end result of cutting hours so drastically. Nobody was upset, and everyone genuinely seemed glad that I was doing what was right. We all know how awful it can be to work with someone who is not completely there.
    This situation feels like another step in growing up. Making decisions about leaving a job that has potential and prioritizing your life isn't easy, especially if you're like me and feel like once you make a commitment you simply must keep it. I'm really lucky to have a great support system to back me up, paired with understanding employers that do their best to work with me. I hope everyone else is this fortunate!

**A little follow up on one of the silly bitches that has a harassment complaint filed against her. I'm not sure if I quoted the line from her berating message that said that me getting excited about cooking new home made dishes for my husband to be was pitiful, but if I didn't there it is. I was told by someone that I'm friends with that she had apparently posted about how she was making her first ever whole chicken and was really hoping it turned out right. To that I say hypocritical bitch, please. I've been cooking whole chickens since I was like 8. The next day I use some of the leftover meat to make another dish, and use the final leftovers to make a home made soup stock that can feed my family for another few days. Bitches man, bitches.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

I'm Sorry You Were Ever Born, Irene Goodnight.

    Thanks to a hurricane I've had to cancel work tomorrow with my client, and our date night hit a little earlier, leaving the fiance and I to have a nice night in. I'm not even mad! It's a nice change from the go, go, go pace we've been keeping... Two days off in a row sound really nice. Secretly I'm hoping we actually do lose power so we can play all off the grid and have some no technology time.
    I was productive before our date tonight though, I went to therapy. My lovely shrink and I talked a lot about where power lies in my life right now. For most of my life I've felt like I have had so little control over what goes on. I've always had someone else to answer to, someone I was working for, and someone that would benefit from what I was doing... and that someone was hardly ever me. For the first time in 23 years I'm finally in control of my life. Sure I'm working crazy hard and things get rough, but I'm doing everything for myself and my future. I'm not working to make someone else happy, I'm not trying to please everyone around me, and I'm not answering to anyone except my self. Of course I still like to make other people happy, but now I have the opportunity to allow it to be about myself, only trying to please the people I want to please, not everyone.
    The steps that I've been going through over the past year are intense for sure. The people closest to me know how much I've changed, and we all agree it's been for the best. It's taken a long time to get to a point where I'm comfortable with myself, at least comfortable enough to live my life for me.
    There's a line in a song by Laura Marling: "It's hard to accept yourself as someone you don't desire, someone you don't want to be." That song struck a chord with me when I first listened to it, and I think that the first step of changing is accepting who you are. If you can't realistically see who you are, you can't change it. To go through a process of accepting yourself in all of your ugliness and imperfection  is daunting on its own. Once that step is taken you have to seriously consider if change is something you can do, and if it's worth it. Then you have to suck it up and do it. Stop doing the things you don't like and start doing things you think might make you happy. Stick with it and work hard. If you can stick it out, you'll be able to reap your rewards.

Growing up is hard to do, and some people never bother to do it. It's an active process. We shouldn't criticize those who are unable to move on, or the people that choose not to. We don't have enough insight to see what they're up against. Consider that first we have to accept ourselves for who we are before we can change, and if you were some of the people you criticize you might not be able to accept it either.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

5 Things I've Come Up With

    Obviously there's been a hell of a lot of drama going on. It's been making us (us being Chris and I) analyze our life choices. Here's what we (but mostly me) have come up with:

1) We've got no regrets.
We're each happy we started this relationship and stayed in it at various times when it got rough. Some people might think we've rushed into things, other people might think that when you found the person you know you're supposed to be with you shouldn't put off a wedding for any reason, much less money. Regardless of what people think about our relationship we know whats right for us.
We're happy that we've gotten the liars, malevolent, and baleful people out of our lives. I'm sure more will inevitably crop up as we grow older and get into competitive fields, meet people that we don't know and trust them. What can I say? My husband to be is an insanely openhearted individual. Me, not so much. I guess that'd be one place where he's a little ying to my yang.
We couldn't be happier that we made the decision to move to/stay in the greater Philadelphia area, especially with the alternative of me moving and him staying in Lock Haven/State College. We have so much culture here, and it never ceases to amaze me. "Ugh, I'm bored and it's like Wednesday. Oh, I know, lets go to the World Cafe Live and see a new band play a show while we have dinner!" The central PA version? "Ugh, I'm bored and it's like Wednesday. We could go to the bar... again. Or maybe stay in and watch a movie... But we did that like yesterday. We could drive all the way to Williamsport to do something fun! But that's so far away... Nah. Lets just go to the bar and get wasted because there's nothing else to do and I hate my life here stuck in the mountains."

2) We know who we owe, and what we owe to them.
We've had our fair share of help, and our fair share of being screwed over. We know where we've got debts to pay and work hard to pay them. At this point, anyone that has helped us and not screwed us is close to us in one way or another, and we're happy to have them. We've got amazing people that understand our situation and their understanding sometimes is help enough. We really hope one day we can do as much for them as they do for us, but it's my personal belief that for some people there is no way we'll ever be able to do enough to thank them.

3) Everyone makes mistakes.
We know that we aren't perfect, and sometimes I don't even bother to try. We know we had our faults, and we also know everyone else does too. Judge lest not ye be judged, right? Sure there are some grudges we hold even after we know people may be remorseful and even have apologized, but wounds don't heal over night and some never will. That is just a truth that needs to be accepted, and I know how hard it can be to come to terms with.

4) Growing up isn't easy.
Chris had been doing the whole life thing on his own for a while, but this is my first go at it. The first time I'm out of school and not rushing back next semester, the first time I've lived with someone, the first time I've been engaged. People live different lives and do things at a different rate, so while I may have been taking on the responsibilities of an adult a decade ago it wasn't by choice. This is the first time I get to do it on my own terms. It's tough working two jobs, doing research, studying for exams so I can get into the doctoral programs I want, and maintaining relationships. It makes me so grateful that I've got friends going through the same sort of things.

5) The future is going to be awesome.
Looking at how far we've come from before we met each other, seeing the leaps and bounds we've made even since we got engaged... It makes me so excited for our future. I've said it before and I'll say it again: No matter what happens, knowing that I'll have Chris in my life every day when I get up makes everything feel a little bit better.

    Most people I know have thought I'm an optimist, always looking for the bright spot in a bad situation, trying to enjoy the most menial tasks and looking for opportunities around every corner. Chris is the only person that's easily seen through my bubbly facade (or maybe that I've trusted enough to be honest with) and has told me that I'm pessimistic on multiple occasions. He hasn't said that to me in months, so I guess that on some level I must be getting more excited about the things we have today, and the things we get to look forward to tomorrow.

Oh hey everyone, fun fact: according to the tracking info, some people that don't have access to any sites I post a link for this blog to feel the need to actually google it, just to read it. Now, I'm going to guess that these people are probably the ones who hate me and Chris and think I should grow up and get a life and be more mature, etc. etc. since they're as blocked as I can make them. It's cute really.

Til next blog! <3

Monday, August 22, 2011

Little Girl's First Police Report

If you're just going to bitch after reading it, don't read it.
This novel idea brought to you by Danielle

    Lets start this one out by saying I'm not happy or proud of what I've been forced into doing. I truly believe that individuals should be able to solve there problems on their own, and we're all adults here... so why can't we?

    Several months ago I made it explicitly clear that I no longer wanted contact from a group of people in any form. I didn't want to see them, hear from them, be friends with them on facebook, or have them in my life at all. This request was punctuated by unfriending them on facebook, deleting their phone numbers, and a solid plan to NEVER go back to the town they've come from. Unfortunately some people don't understand that message and can't control themselves. 
    Some of Chris and I's very adult and mature friends can't seem to help but continuing to interject in our lives, ranging from text messages and phone calls, to nasty quips right here on this blog. It's childish and reminds me of how glad I am that we decided not to stay in that little town of theirs, since there must be so little to do.
    Previous incidences aside, this weekend some of these lovely kids decided that they wanted to call me from blocked numbers at all hours of the night and make jokes, criticize my relationship and giggle away. Seriously? Get Netflix, and a life.
    Last night one of the super shining stars of the group we would like to never see or hear from again felt the need to send me a facebook message about how I "need to work a little harder" on forgetting about these people we've put behind us. It's cute how i need to work on forgetting them, but they want to continue to insert themselves in my life. Real helpful advice, right? Well, after telling me the right way to run my life for another page or so she added this gem: "Take care of your relationship with Chris and never let him go. You have to think about you guys as a couple. If you keep doing what you do with your blogs, he may end up getting mad someday with how you talk about his friend." Now, I think if you read my blogs you know that Chris is a priority, so maybe she hasn't been paying attention. I don't discuss Chris's relationships with his friends in detail because they simply aren't mine to discuss but ***SPOILER ALERT*** Chris kind of feels exactly as I do about what's been going on, as well as his friends. Chris loves my blogs. He loves that I can vent out in a space where I can get feedback, and he loves that I always feel a little bit better afterward. I love it because I can vent, and because (believe it or not) most people are dealing with bitches in their lives, and hearing about my experiences makes other people feel like it's not so bad, that reading this stuff is helping them, and I'd blog just for that. She goes on and on in a pseudo-helpful tone that she knows I don't care to hear for many more lines.
    That said, I responded, much shorter and far less sweet:

Thanks for the advice that wasn't really wanted? As for (a boyfriend in the group), Chris and I are on the same page about it. Actually, Chris and I are on the same page about everything in my blog. It's nice that you've got such great relationships but you have no idea about what happened between LCCWB and I, and given that fact you will never have any idea of how well or poorly I'm handling that situation.

I hope that you don't have to go through what I've gone through, but if you ever do you'll probably regret this message.

It'd be a fuck ton of a lot easier to forget her if she would stay out of my life, but (as I'm sure she'd deny) she can't seem to do that very well. As clear as we've made it that we would like EVERYONE from central PA to leave us alone (that would include [where I listed their cute little group]... pretty much everyone but Gill) those people just can't seem to GTFO and stay out of our lives. Including this little message. I believe I unfriended you for a reason, I didn't think i had to go as far as blocking you like I had to do with (LCCWB and boyfriend).

So, respectfully, help me forget the people I think are worthless and don't bother to interject anymore.


Oh, and PS- I hope you and (her fiance) actually make it to the altar this time, I'm sure it'll be a beautiful event and you'll be surrounded by a mixture of people who love you both and people that will eventually make you wish you didn't have to see their faces in your wedding photos.
Funny thing about that ps... she's marrying a man that cheated on her during their first engagement, and who she's had suspicions of cheating again. Great girl to be taking advice from, right?
    I block the chick. Like I said, not interested in hearing from her. Last word said, conversation over. She gets the message I don't want to have any contact with her and should be mature enough to  respect that. It's over. Plus I blocked her so she can't message me again even if she was that immature, right?
    Wrong. I forget that some couples have no respect for one another's privacy or reputation. She's so compelled to answer this request to not be spoken to that she hops on her fiance's account to continue to berate me. This one's real good, but I'll only give you kids excerpts and keep some of the good stuff to myself:

"I think you are a fucking psycho who writes about how she wants people to die or go kill themselves. It really bothers me that you are in the profession of helping people with psychological disorders and what not when you are so messed up yourself"
"I tried to be nice, and I tried to give you advice. None of us care what you think of us. I just thought I'd throw out some advice that I gave myself when I lost some good friends. But you just have to put your defenses up and flip the fuck out." If she thought reminding her I'd asked her to go away was flipping out, bitch needs to see me "flip the fuck out."
"I will never regret the friendships that I have with them, and even if we drift apart I will never look at my wedding photos and regret them being part of my special day." Isn't it cute how for some girls it turns into their special day? The hubbs to be gets thrown out of it!
"You really anger me, and I hope for the sake of your future patients that you get the therapy you need, before you tell one of them to jump off a cliff or something. You do not know how to listen and take nice advice. You are a little kid who will never know how to be independent." I think therapy would be a good thing for you too sweetie. Oh, and there's this funny thing about independence. I've been taking care of a handicapped kid since I could lift her, taking care of a home since I was 9, and became the homemaker before I was 12 when my mom went back to school. I've been more of an adult then you'll ever be, taken care of more shit than you'll ever have to take care of and still managed to go to school and get an MA by 23. So... mirror please? (btw mommy, mad props on going back to school. Sure it was rough on us but it made us a much better family!)
"I think you are a sad excuse for an adult. You should have grown up a long time ago." I think we should see above... Maybe hand over the mirror again?
"So enjoy your sham of a marriage, you said it took you 6 months to trust chris, but you rushed right into tying the knot. hmmm that might last forever...." Thanks for the sweet words honey pie, and I'm sure you're marriage to someone who openly cheated on you will go great too. A question on my part, really I don't know, does it count as rushing into tying the knot if you're not married yet, and taking a 3 year long engagement? Fill me in.

    So that's what's going down in my life. Either way this was all too much for me. I've said it nicely, I've said it rudely, I've yelled it, written it, cried it out loud. All I want is for these people to leave me and my life alone. We've done as much for them. We don't laugh at their stupid status's on facebook. When I hear rumors around town about how LCCWB cheated on her boyfriend when she visited town last I ignore them. If anyone in this party of annoying people that won't go away comes up, I change the topic or remove myself from the conversation, all because I'm no longer interested. I've done everything that I can think of to get them out of my life and they just won't go. So what's a girl to do?
    I've asked around. Sought council, if you will. It seems as though, short of going up there and beating some ass (which isn't my style. I'm a lover, not a fighter... Plus gas is expensive and this girl has 2 jobs. Or rather, this sad excuse for an adult.), the only thing left to do is get a higher power involved.
    Now darling dearest readers of mine, what this means is that the sweet, well meaning girl who was trying to hide her deeply held hatred of me now has her name and information in a police file. If she gets pulled over, has the police called to her house for any reason, or applies for a job that checks police files it will come up that she has had complaints made against her for harassment. After working in the prison I can tell you that without a charge it doesn't mean much, but it does mean that any law enforcement officer will think twice about believing her stories or taking her word in the event that she was victimized. It's unfortunate, I know. 
I suppose the lesson we must learn here children, is to keep your mouth shut, the keys on your computer quiet, and stay off that cell phone touch screen if you know you should. Respect people's wishes for privacy (respect people in general) and if you truly believe that they are doing wrong, wait for karma. Personally, I don't believe that karma will catch up with everyone. Some people will live their whole lives in a pseudo prostitute manner, sleeping with people to get what they want and never get what's coming to them. Some people will harass other people to the point that they feel like they can't do anything about it themselves and get away with it because, lets face it, our justice system isn't perfect. I do believe, however, that if people could grow up and act like adults when it's called for we could have a better world.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Opposites Attract?

    Talk to most people and they'll be split about 50/50 on whether opposite personality types attract. Some people think that we all need a ying to our yang, while others feel like relationships with drastically different people are just too difficult. Talk to a psychologist that's studied relationships and human interaction and they'll tell you that opposites attracting is the exception, not the rule. Occasionally you'll see a content relationship with drastic opposites but the vast majority of relationships of any kind are based on fundamental similarities in personality types, values and a slew of other factors. We like people who are like us. A person that is too different just won't mesh into our lifestyle.
    Sometimes I think about this when it comes to Chris and I. We aren't the same in many aspects of our lives, but as we get closer and know each other longer I see that we really match up a lot better than I originally expected. Our energy levels are similar, our values are similar, our life priorities are so close it gets scary. We're two peas in a pod, me and that boy, and it makes for a pretty happy life. Sure, he has interests outside of mine and occasionally throws a curve ball that I didn't see coming, and I do the same, but for the most part we match up.
    This leads me into what I'm really all riled up about, (who didn't see this one coming?) of course it is LCCWB again. Chris let me in on a little insider tip that he noticed she's fucking up even more, showing how different she and I really are. I haven't really discussed much of the beginning of the relationship between Chris and I on this blog, but to make the story short and sweet it was a little rocky. His ex openly made it her goal to stop this relationship from happening, and made it clear she'd do anything she could to stop us from even getting off the ground. This included lying to everyone about she and him, telling him that they couldn't be friends if he was with me, making it a point to call him when she heard I'd be with him so I'd think they chatted all the time, trying to pit his friends against me and even going so far as to lie to his family and when they pointed it out becoming outraged that he would believe his brother over her. Not a pretty picture. It took 6 months or more for me to trust him enough (and for him to get her the fuck out of his life) for our relationship to move forward in a real way. Now he's moved twice and completely ignored any attempts at communication with her, and this seems like a method that's finally worked to get her out of our lives completely.
    Still, not to the point. Today when I got home from both jobs and a therapy appointment my darling fiance informed me that apparently LCCWB and crazy ex bitch have started hanging out, talking, being besties, etc. Now, I don't know why this would surprise me at all. I know for a fact that neither of these girls have the same values as I do. They're insanely similar, in fact. LCCWB has done things like the ex did to me in the past. For some reason, I'm still surprised and hurt that LCCWB could be so two-faced and bitchy that she would turn around and be best friends with someone who she said was ugly, awkward, bitchy and annoying. In essence, I'm wondering why people can't keep their values straight.
   If I'm going to say someone is a horrible bitchy person, I'll say it to them. I believe there are only 2 reasons why an individual wouldn't say what they've got to say in person. 1) They don't mean it. 2) They're too pussy to put it out there. Either way, I feel like if you can't say it to their face, DON'T SAY IT. It's simple kids. Mommy taught you that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. I'm teaching you to back your shit up.
   Back to the point, me and LCCWB are obviously value opposites. We don't have the same ideas about loyalty, truthfulness or allegiance. She shows no respect for anyone, lies to her boyfriend, uses his family, cheats, and goes behind every person she knows backs. She'll very easily say that one of our friends husbands only married her for her money and then hug him and tell him how he's just the best guy ever. I've seen her do it. She does thing that I simply could not live with. We're opposites in activities and our views on a lot of other major issues.
    The question then becomes why did I bother with her for so long? The obvious things come to the surface... My value of loyalty and friendship, the fact that we were teens and had such a long history, not wanting to lose something I'd invested in. It could have been anything, even if it was a waste. But I've got a different theory, and I put it to you all:
    Perhaps opposites attract only to balance ourselves. This may be the reason for failed marriages, crazy benders, and bad decisions in general. At some point or another we must consider our standing in life, and how true to ourselves we are being. A perfect way to test this is by aligning ourselves with someone incredibly opposite and trying to make it work. If it does, we've changed along the way and that may be the source of our difficulty, and if it doesn't we know where we stand. Sometimes these experiments of self may last longer than others, but sooner or later we must figure it out.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Personal Regrets

    I used to be able to say that I didn't regret anything that I'd gone through in my life. I knew that even though I've made mistakes they had helped me become the person that I am now. I'm happy, for the most part, with who I am. I've got a good job, a sweet education, a fiance I can't imagine my life without, the initiative to get a second job, an amazing family and an exciting future. Needless to say I've still got all of those things but I now have regrets.
   I regret wasting time on a person that didn't deserve it. I regret letting a parasite in to my life and allowing it access to my family and loved ones. I regret letting it stay for so long that it had the potential to rip apart everything I'd worked for until it was gone. I regret wasting my good will and love on a person that barely deserved to breathe. I regret letting one pitiful excuse of a human being push my faith in humanity over the edge, making me less likely to trust or help people in the future. I regret being a bad judge of character before it was too late.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I do hope that this person gets what they deserve, but on some level I just wish that they could recognize their faults and be a better person. Not to me, because I'm not interested, but to the rest of the world. People deserve better than that.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Some lessons we may never learn.

    It's been months since this blog started, and any faithful readers know it began due to the drama going on with a horrible bitch of a parasite that I needed to remove from my life all together, because she was only bringing me down and making my life worse that it could have been. I was really glad that I had finally become strong enough to cut out someone bad for me. It's a big step.
    A step that hasn't exactly stuck. I knew this would be a problem, and I knew it was only a matter of time. I hoped that I would be strong enough to continue hating her with a passion unparalleled. She treated my family like shit, she disrespected my fiance and my relationship, and she's never been a good friend. She lied to everyone that took care of her when she begged for it. She only sucks out the good that a person could provide and drains them until they've got nothing left to give, then blames them and moves on. She's spiteful, rude, uncaring, unreliable and untrustworthy. And for some reason I can't help but feel like I should at least have one female friend that knows me well.
    I'm not saying that I want to mani/pedi with her. I'm not saying that we would ever have a friendship like we had before, because there is no way we ever could. The issue comes down to how can someone you dealt with for so long, almost 2 decades, just walk away like a lying cunt? Isn't it worth it to at least try. Finally show some appreciation?
    We both did things wrong. In my opinion she messed up a lot more than I did, and I'm sure she feels exactly the opposite. For the record, she's still a lying cheating cuntfaced whore bitch, but we all have friends like that.

I wish there was a way to teach people the things they should have learned before they even started school. How to compromise, share, be a decent person and be worthwhile as a whole. It's to late to teach this girl how to do these things, but that doesn't mean that she shouldn't want to repay some of the kindness and heartfelt giving that I begged everyone I know to give her, let along what I did to help her by covering for her when she was cheating, doing drugs, picking her up at all hours of the night in places she shouldn't have been and doing everything she needed. I deserve more than she ever gave me, and at the very least I deserve an apology from her. During the most important event in my life so far she turned it into a freak show about her, focused on how big of a cunt she can be.

I wish that I was stronger than this...

Friday, August 5, 2011

What goes into wedding vows?

    I think one of the most important things that will go into the vows I give to Chris on our wedding day will be a promise to stand by his side, no matter where life takes us. This is a promise I've already made to him quietly and off the record, but I think it is something to be said publicly for all of the people who matter to us to know. I will dedicate everything I can to supporting him in any decision he makes, especially because at this point his decisions are generally discussed with me first, which I really appreciate.
   Making this commitment doesn't seem like a big deal. He reciprocates. We will always be there for one another and make adjustments to what we want for ourselves to make sure each other are happy. It's a true partnership. It's nice to know that I'll always have someone there for me, and to know that someone else is counting on me a little bit as well.
    There is a scary aspect of this partnership as well. Knowing that at any point in time you could make a life changing decision not just for yourself, but for the person you love as well, is scary! What if you make the wrong decision? What if you support a decision that turns out to be worse than what was going on? What if you speak out against a decision that could have been the big break? How can you be secure in the decisions you make without having some psychic power?
    I guess what it comes down to is knowing that no matter what happens you will always have a partner. If you remember the hardest times that happened while you were together you can compare and contrast, and see the positives. For example, the hardest time that I think Chris and I had was probably when we first started dating. He had people in his life that I was uncomfortable with, we were hours away from one another, I had classes every day and they were scheduled when he was off of work so keeping communication open was difficult. I didn't have a job and before long he didn't either. Things were rough and sometimes we couldn't even have each other to lean on because of time and money. It was really hard. So, now even if we might be working too hard or super long hours, even if money is tight, even if we hate our jobs or make a wrong decision we get to come home at night to each other, and our little pets. Unlike the hardest times I can wake him up and feel his arms around me every night if I need to. I can always find time to talk to him about my life and problems, even though sometimes it might mean a little less sleep for both of us. No matter what happens in our lives, things will be better than they were at the beginning because of the changes we've made to our lives. We have a more secure relationship, better people in our lives and the stability of a relationship over time. Even if we get into a situation like we had in the past the simple advancement of our relationship will make it astronomically more bearable.
    I'm happy to be able to notice the growth of our relationship, and being able to appreciate it makes me even luckier.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

We drown ourselves in sorrows, insecurity.

    Things are coming up awesome for the couple that is Chris and Danielle. I've scored a job that is (relatively) well paying and seems like it will be a lot of fun while still being flexible so we can maintain a life outside of work. We both got calls this week from jobs we didn't think we'd gotten asking us to come work for them, and stood up for ourselves, telling both of them to suck it. We'd moved on and don't feel obligated to companies that didn't show the interest in us that we showed in them. It's a big step for us. I've been working on cooking home made recipes so we save some money and doing a pretty good job at it! Everything is coming up (current and future) Harris!
    Unfortunately its when everything is going awesome that I start to get super anxious. Everything is wonderful, so something must be waiting in the wings to go wrong, right? This is a classic self-sabotaging thing that I always always always do, and I've got to stop it. So anyone reading that talks to Tom DON'T TELL HIM what I'm about to tell you! I've started to keep a list of the arbitrary anxieties so that I can work with my therapist more productively. Tom would love that. So don't tell him.
    Things are going in the right direction in our lives, we just have to keep them on track. I'm thinking of starting another blog (simply because it's continuously growing so I don't think I could jam it all in here) about what I've learned about marriage through our engagement. This is inspired by a darling friend of mine, Alyssa. Maybe I should change her name too, hahahha bitches. She has so much knowledge to share about planning a wedding, she's full of DIY secrets and bargains that every bride should be let in on. She seems to think that I've got some kind of insight to marriage from living together. I think we should share and cooperate! We'll see if that goes anywhere.
    In life, things get difficult and sometimes they really shouldn't. One day I'll learn how to let things go the way that they are going and just be happy. Wish me luck!