Thursday, December 29, 2011

For the love of many things.

    Most of us have a passion or two, things that will never fail to make us happy. For some it's sports, for others it can be work, and for most of us we develop a passion for other people. It's an interesting idea that our passions are encouraged to develop in most areas, but not in others.
    Last night I somehow had the opportunity to discuss (in painful detail) my love and admiration for psychology and some of the amazing minds in my field. In the same night, with the same people, I got to lose my brain over hockey, and not just any hockey but my favorite team in the history of hockey... Including the history of my favorite team. I may have gone on to a tangent about my love of baking, love for learning, and love of my friends as well as my future husband. I was able to gush for hours about the things that make me lose my head with passion, and it got me thinking.
    In academia we are forced to pigeon hole ourselves into one specific field. We have to choose something to specialize in and focus our studies on that one thing. Why is that? Why do we have to decide on just one thing to learn everything about, even if it is permissible to continue learning in a peripheral way about other things? What's wrong with wanting to know everything that there is to know about, well, everything?
    I understand this concept of a Jack of all trades but a master of none. I recognize that it is more desirable to have a specialty. I recognize the benefits of these things, but I also think there is a benefit in continuing to learn about everything, isn't there? How can you know that you've found the thing that will entertain you forever if you haven't found everything? Basically, why would you ever want to stop learning if it means that you might miss out on something that could be your one true passion?
    I'm sure that my reluctance to stop learning has to do with the fact that, while I find myself passionate about everything, no one topic rises above and beyond the rest. I love psychology, and every time I learn something new I find it incredibly interesting. I haven't found something that makes me want to stop learning to focus on one area. Perhaps it will come one day, but I simply haven't found it yet. I have a passion for my field, I love my work, and I love everything about it.

Sure, I don't have everything figured out just yet, but it'll get there!!

Saturday, December 24, 2011

So this is Christmas.

    Anyone who knows me knows that Christmas is one of my favorite holidays. I love cards and presents, I love helping make other people happy, and I love having my family together. At this age I don't want for much, so receiving gifts is even more exciting because I never know what creative and wonderful things my loved ones will find for me. It is a magical and wonderful time for me, and I only hope to spread that feeling with everyone else.
    Needless to say, I can't help reflecting back on years passed and the way that thing used to be. Last year was the first that Chris got to spend with us, making it special and the first of many, creating an addition to our traditions that I can't imagine changing. Last year we also had that individual that I hold many unfavorable feelings towards in our home, trying to allow her to feel like she was part of the family, and having the gesture thrown back in our faces while she went all over the state, disregarding the care that had been given to her and being selfish beyond belief. It was the beginning of my life with Chris, and the end of my life with her. It was interesting to say the least, and as much as I wish I hadn't wasted time and love on an ungrateful bitch I wouldn't change any of it for the world.
    Things happen for a reason, and people come and go. The greatest gift we can give one another is our love and affection, and those things are abundant in my life. I am blessed with a family that is healthy and happy, pets that bring joy through their constant silliness, and a comfortable home that radiates love and happiness. Sure, I have trouble now and again just like everyone else, but I have a support system that helps me at every turn.
    A while ago I was feeling like I had a void in the area of friendship, but even that has been filled. A lady that I find engaging, fun, and super attractive is moving into the city so I hope I will finally be able to actually go and see her, enjoying music and laughter as well as the companionship of a female, which is difficult for me. I don't trust bitches. In addition, I've acquired a friend of the opposite gender that genuinely doesn't base our friendship on the idea of eventually having sex with me (a novel concept for men) and also respects the sanctity of my relationship. Sure, I can't be close to my seven hundred and something friends on facebook, but I am perfectly happy with the ones I do have.
   One more piece of this extended family that I'm gaining is Chris's wonderful family and friends. They are wonderful to him, and that means the world to me. When you truly love someone, you are forced to love the people close to them, and I'm glad that the people that have joined my life through Chris are so good and loving. While he was away I was even able to turn to his friends for council and support. I suppose they happen to be new friends too.
    All in all I would say that this year has helped me to grow and develop. I've gone through periods of complete depression, loss of faith in humanity, achieving my masters degree, getting engaged, realizing that no matter how much you give to people they will always want more (and some people just aren't worth it), deciding that I never want to have friends that I would try to count on again, terminating that decision, learning how to accept the help of others, seeing one of the people I hold most dear marry the love of her life, beginning a career, and growing more confident in myself and my decisions. I couldn't have done any of this without the people I love, and I'm glad that I've got such phenomenal people to help me through the process, whether their part has been keeping me grounded, boosting me up, or simply being someone to lean on.

This last year has helped me realize that I am lucky, blessed and determined. Regardless of where I go from here, I know that it will be in the right direction so long as I have the world I've worked so hard to create around me.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Strangers on a Train

             Hitchcock made brilliant films from start to finish. From his work in the silent genre to more vocally expressive works later in his career he was always able to figure out what it was that frightened us. As we know, we are today afraid of the same things we were once afraid of. The underlying tones of what frightens humanity don’t change. We will always be frightened of some basic themes, these will be things that we will never get over as a species.
            Hitchcock’s history aside, I was thinking about his wonderful film, Strangers on a Train, if for no other reason than I am taking an incredibly long train ride. Philadelphia to Atlanta is no joke, and neither is the 16 hours that I’m not even half way through…. It gets me thinking though, just about strangers on a train.
            We all boarded as strangers. Nobody knew anyone with the exception that some people traveled together. Everyone sits in a seat, often paired up with someone that they have never even met, and we’re expected to be just fine with the whole thing. Close quarters with people that we have no idea about whatsoever. Then again, the real strangers may not be those people around us, but the people in our seats. The people that packed out bags, put on our clothes, and go through life in our bodies.
            How many of us really know ourselves? Some people never find themselves presented with this problem and assume that they know themselves just fine. I firmly believe that if you never examine yourself for who you are and who you want to be you cannot truly be a complete person.
            When do we stop being strangers to ourselves? We aren’t born knowing ourselves at all, we grow into an understanding of who we are in terms of what we like or dislike, how we look, where we belong… Then we grow into adults with preferences of what we want to be rather than what we are, We again become strangers to ourselves in that we know what we want to be and can’t quite make it happen yet. Our ideal is incongruent with our current selves and we are uncomfortable with it. We struggle to make the two the same, by changing ourselves or the ideal that we’ve developed. If we can’t do that we remain strangers to ourselves.
            There are a million different ways to find yourself as a stranger. We come into this world in this condition, we grow into it again later, and most likely many times after that. If at any point you look at your situation and wonder how you got there, or who acts like this, you’ve probably developed into just another stranger on a train.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Christmas Cards

    So lately I've been working on my Christmas cards. (If you want to get a little Christmas [or plain holiday] joy in the mail email me, facebook me, text, whatever... your address and I'll make sure you get some love too.) Looking at the cards I'm sending out really made me notice how much has changed in a year. I know I have a tendency to focus on the negatives, the things I've lost and the things I'm unhappy with, but change can be a global thing and in this case it is. Sometimes when things change so drastically we like to say that we've stayed the same, it's just the people around us who have changed. This time I'm proud to say that it's me that's changed, and I'm glad for it.
    This year I'm sending out a lot more cards, trying to spread a lot of joy and remind people I care about that I'm still here. Two people have been struck from the list and my life, two of the people that this time last year I considered to be two of my very best friends. These two people were in my life for years and now are no longer welcome in any way. They are now the type of people that I wouldn't even wave to if I saw them. They are people that I had extremely unbalanced relationships with, relationships where I gave them everything I had and got very little in return. Of course true friendship isn't about what you can get from others... but in retrospect I find it really painful to see the lack of respect that they held for me when I was doing everything I could to treat them well. Even with this realization, it hurts to know that these relationships that I invested so much time into are over and gone. This feeling makes me have to really look at myself and try to figure out why I would miss people that didn't treat me well and only made me feel worse about myself, while alienating people that could make me happy. While I try to figure all of that out I recognize that I have changed. I've grown to a point where I can see past the facade that other people put out of being a "friend" while they are really just using you for their own benefit. Granted, it adds to my trust issues and causes me to question the motivation of most people in my world, but I feel like I'll be protecting myself in the long run.
    Last year I was still in school. I was working towards an accomplishment that, while I didn't see how big of a deal it was, only 7.62% of people in the United States over the age of 25 have accomplished. This figure ranges from 6-8% of people overall depending on where you get the statistic, so I picked one on the high end. Master's degrees aren't easy to accomplish. I recognize now how big of a deal it is, and how it makes me far more marketable. I'm really lucky that I can do good work and really help people in need. Granted my field is not one that makes seriously huge amounts of money, but I can work flexibly and pay my bills, and when I go home at night I know that I'm doing something, even if it is something small, to make the world a better place. In addition, I have the luxury of being able to move if I need to, and still be able to make a living. I've got a great job that I love right now, and I am looking for an even better one, just because I can.
    One year ago I was preparing for an interesting Christmas, opening my home to people that had nowhere else to go and no other families that they could spend it with. I let these people act as members of my family and gave them all of the love and appreciation I give to my own family. Now I've cut one of those people out completely, and am preparing to bring the other home because we are starting a family of our own. That isn't to say I'm pregnant, just to clarify, but rather that this person will be in my life forever and every Christmas will be spent with him.
    I've changed a lot in a year. I've made concious choices about my life and what I deserve, let people that weren't worth it go, taken a stand on the harassment some people feel is appropriate, started a career, said "yes" to a marriage proposal, recognized what is truly important, and grown as a person. I'm proud of everything I've done in the past year and I'm excited for what I may get to do in the next year. I've never been a new years resolution person because I don't think you should need a new year to make changes. The kind of person I am, however, is a loving, caring daughter and fiance, a dedicated mental health professional, and an ambitious student. I am the kind of person who may take things hard because I dedicate myself 100% to the things that matter to me. I give more than I expect to get, and I want to make a difference. I'm looking at life closer now so that I can see what I need to do to continue to be the person I want to be. No matter what happens I will make decisions I can live with, and I most certainly will not have regrets.

Live, laugh, love. Give yourself to the world. Don't be afraid to get hurt. Keep people who love you closer than anyone else. This is what I've found makes daily life most enjoyable. Hopefully whatever you're doing works for you.


Thursday, November 24, 2011

Almost a whole month??

I'm slacking with these posts, so I apologize... but only a little bit. I've been busy as all hell, so somehow I think you'll all survive.

Quick note: some ridiculous people are still getting to this blog from Google. Seriously? Seriously? This is insane. But, alas some people don't have busy adult lives like some of us. I suppose if it makes them happy then so be it, although it is really sad that some people can't move the hell on and get on with their own lives. Sometimes I pity these people, especially the specific ones we know I can't stand, but in reality it is of no concern of mine. Some people find this blog helpful, other people are sadly obsessed, either way it brings readers and I don't mind that one bit. On to the blog!

    Lately things have been interesting. Sometimes tough, sometimes rewarding, sometimes confusing, but always interesting.
    First things first, I'm still working at my job. I have rewarding work with clients that I'll admit I've grown fond of, and I see their progress. I love making a difference in these clients lives. They are just children and they deserve to have a chance at a normal life, so I hope my work can give them that. This job is certainly not where I expected to end up, and sure I look for better work with better money and more of a focus on my specialties but for the time being I feel rewarded. It's a special thing to have truly rewarding work.
    Another thing to touch on, my darling husband to be is away from me, although now it won't be for much longer. His truly wonderful heart came out again, pulling him away from me and to Georgia to help his family when they needed him. About three weeks ago we packed up our apartment (that's a long story of course and there's a lot involved in it, so we can save the details for another time) and I moved back into my mother's home. We weren't sure at the time how long he would have to spend away, so our parting was especially dramatic. I accepted that I would have to be alone for a while, and as tragic as it was it made me realize once again that Chris is going to be the most amazing husband. The fact that he would give up the life he's been working so hard to build to help his family, after making sure to leave me in capable hands (he was so sweet and asked my mother if she would have me move back in and look after me while he was gone, keeping me healthy and safe until he could get home to me) shows his dedication to family. I know that one day I will have to do something similar for either my mother or my sister, and I know he will be by my side when I've got to make these changes.
    It has not been easy to be without the love of my life. We had been doing so well, playing house and building our life together. We'd been dealing with the rough things and enjoying the fun things... practicing for married life and doing the best we could. If I can say so, I think we were doing really well actually. To have all of that ripped away in a matter of days (literally 3 days from the phone call saying he was needed until he left) was traumatic and it still is. I've been doing my job the best I can and trying to do my best at work, which has apparently been quite good according to my review. Even with everything it's been hard. You don't realize how much you do with a person until they are not around. You can't understand how much you take for granted. It's hard to appreciate what a difference it makes in your life to sleep next to someone, making you feel safe and warm, comforted and special every time you roll over, every night, until they are gone. I know he'll be back, and we've even got the date set for it, but it's still hard to be apart. I love Chris with all of my heart, and every day we are apart it becomes more and more evident to me.
    A while ago a person (mind you this person is not a reliable source of anything, nor are they very intelligent so this should be taken with a grain of salt) told me that she had read something somewhere that stated that after an amount of time together, people in love experience a change in their neurochemistry. Now, I've never claimed to be a neurochemist and don't know too much about it. This girl claimed that after a while those in love experience a change in there physiology, to make them more compatible with the person that they love. Somewhat similar to how women that spend a lot of time together sync up on their menstrual cycles. This change makes the lovers enjoy the same things, from foods to music, essentially ensuring that they will remain compatible.
    This idea of changes makes sense, and also makes sense as to how being apart can be so hard. When you are so in tune with another person that you literally share neurological links losing the physical presence of that person can cause pain and anguish like nothing else. It really can feel like you are missing a part of you. Or, maybe, it's simply true love.

    Enough of that mush though. A very happy Thanksgiving to all of you. For anyone interested in what my life will be looking like for the next little while, it will be exciting. Finishing my Christmas shopping, seeing some doctors, and visiting Georgia to meet my future in-laws and come home with my future husband. That will about wrap up my year... and I'll be perfectly pleased to have it that way.

Things happen every day, and sometimes we can't quite figure out why they do. We mourn our losses and try to understand, but in the end the most important thing is that we use each situation to learn and grow from. Without personal growth we aren't accomplishing anything at all.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Home is Whenever I'm with You

    So it's been a while since we've had a blog from yours truly, and there are a couple reasons for that. One being that I'm just plain busy. Working towards a promotion at my job and dealing with personal things barely scratches the surface of what we're working with over here. A second reason might just be that I've been waiting for a certain group of people to stop obsessively checking to see what I've been posting. It's funny (like actually haha funny) that the very people that have an opinion on me letting go of the past and the people who make it rough compulsively check this blog. Apparently they aren't aware of the fact that being the blogger here I get the privilege of checking traffic sources. That is to say that I know that people who aren't privy to my posts on social networking sights (that'd include the lovely bitches I've blocked and taken action against) have the option to specifically google my blog. Flattering, sure, but it's gotten old fast. So I was hoping that if I waited long enough maybe they'd stop Googling, stop obsessing, and leave me alone like I've done for them. But, all that aside, on to the blog.
    The point here is that a lot has been going on. Chris and I have faced a bunch of hurdles since my last post (thanks for all the prayers that came our way! We needed them...) and gotten through it all going strong. We couldn't do everything we're doing without the love and support we get, directly and indirectly from friends and family. When you try your hardest to be independent and live life on your own some people just won't accept it and insist on being there for you. Those are the people you cannot live without, because they won't let you. It just goes to show you that the ones that matter the most will never leave you, even when you tell them that they're free to go. Chris and I are lucky to have people like that in our lives, and we hope you all are too.
    In other news, we're looking at moving. They need to remodel our current apartment, so long story short, in order to stay here we'd have to move out and move back in. It doesn't really make sense and we've been considering an upgrade for a little while now anyway. Stars aligning I suppose. We're making a little more money, have a desire to make the move, and now have the opportunity to get out of our lease. These great events have coincided giving us the perfect opportunity to do just what we've been looking to do. While this is phenomenal, it presents us with a lot of new things to consider. We can leave this place any time between a couple of weeks ago and February, giving us a chance to really look at what we want and take time to make the right decision. Anyone who knows me knows I am NOT a good mover, so taking it slow like this is going to be helpful.
    Given this moving thing we've got a lot to think about. Where to go, what we're looking for as far as upgrades go, how long we'd like to stay at this new place, where we'll be in a year or two and if we want to pick a place that we'll stay in. I prefer the idea of staying in one place for a while, starting a little bit of a life, being stationary for a while. Unfortunately that means we have to take a long hard look at where we'll be next year, or the year after that. We've got to make some big type decisions and use some introspection, and that can be a little scary. The nice thing that we have is one thing for sure, and that is that we love each other. No matter where we end up, as long as we're together, it will be home.
    We did have some interesting options come up. We considered the idea of moving far away, leaving this place and it's nasty memories behind, and going somewhere fresh. Well, fresh to me... not so much to Chris. We considered looking into school programs and jobs back in Georgia. We'd only stay there a few years, but it would give me the chance to get to know his family, try a new school, and get to know a completely new area. I'm not averse to the idea, but I think that for now it's not the move for me just yet. I'm so lucky to have a fiance that understands that I'm just not ready for a move like that yet, but with the idea presented to me it will stick for a while. Maybe I'll apply to a graduate school down there as well as up here and (if given an offer) seriously consider taking my little but to good ol' GA for a while. So many birds would get hit with that stone! Chris could be close to his family for the first time in nearly half a decade, I'd get to meet and know my in-laws, I'd be able to experience life in a different place (which I of course imagine to be like a completely different country), become more well rounded, have greater potential for jobs because of education distribution, and get the experience that I will eventually need to have, which is growing up and living an autonomous life.
    No matter what decisions I make now or in the future, there are a couple of things I can count on. I can count on my loving friends and family to keep being there no matter how hard I try to assert my independence. I can count on a man that continues to surprise me with how silly, supportive, loving, dedicated, and amazing he can be. I can count on myself to keep being me, caring too much about other people and not enough about myself, to keep giving 100% at everything I do and keep pushing myself to be the best that I can be.
    There is not much that we can count on in life, but the couple of things that are for sure are enough to make it worth keeping on going with everything that we've got going on. Things are zen again here, and I'm happy to have that.

To finish this one off, check out this song. It keeps me cheery when I'm worried about things.

Friday, September 2, 2011

The Day You Realize What is More Important

    Life is stellar over here in the tri-state area where we live. Not the movie type of stellar, but the real life, hard work, earning the rewards we reap kind of stellar. It's lovely because I know that some of the wonderful things we have now can never be taken from us. We have things like self worth, the knowledge that no matter what happens we can make it work together, and a bright future that we have some control over. We are working hard to get where we want to be, and that in and of itself is rewarding even if we don't get exactly where we plan to be.
    All that aside we obviously still have a little bit of drama in our lives. It's inevitable when you interact with other people. Even that is calming down. Chris is getting ready for school and I'm really settling into this career of mine, while considering the next step in my education. Everything is going better than we originally expected.
    Then we got some news that brought us back to earth. It feels like bad stuff hits harder when things are going great, and when it's close to home. When it's both of those things it can really hurt. I'm afraid I won't get into specifics here because it is so early and so private, but suffice it to say that awful news really makes you consider what is actually important. Petty quips and annoying people seem more insignificant than before when you're reminded of the more important things in life.
    For Chris and I, this is the first hard thing of this genre we've been through. I know we can get through it, no matter the outcome, if we have each other. In the mean time my prayers are exactly where they need to be, and all that space in my mind that was taken up by people I couldn't stand has been cleaned out for the things I need to be considering.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I Quit.... Sort Of.

    Things have been crazy busy and hectic in the life of Danielle lately. Living with the love of my life, taking on 2 jobs, getting ready for the things that need to be done in the fall semester, and dealing with dramatic children that have a problem with staying out of my life has all been a little stressful. Chris and I have been talking a lot about it and he reminded me that while I'm great at everything I do, when I spread myself too thin everyone feels it, especially him. We stayed up late last night after work and talked about our financial situation and everything else going on to figure out what can be cut. There had to be a place where I could trim down my schedule so that I can be at 100% and do the best work I can. The decision we came to was hard, but we both knew it was necessary.
    We came to the conclusion that the restaurant job had to go. It's the newest stressor, not bringing in that much money, and making it harder to schedule my career job. I like the people we work with at the restaurant and I feel like it's helping me build character by working really hard, all while giving me a window into a world I'm not usually privy to. It took a lot of talking but we figured out how I should go about it, making sure that the restaurant knew that I really appreciate the opportunity that they'd given me but it simply was a matter of scheduling.
    Cut to me actually going to the restaurant. I'm so insecure I let myself get freaked out and upset, worried that everyone would hate me or that the management would be outraged after they've invested so much time and money training me to be a decent waitress. I was worried that everyone would turn to Chris for answers since he would still be there and maybe even criticize him, or me through him, and make work a little more difficult for him. I was worried that they may be short staffed without my hours (so self centered!!!) and the restaurant would suffer. So many bad things could come out of this, and I realized that any time I've left a job it's been because of an end of an era. Leaving because I'm going to college, ending my time at a place because my internship was over, leaving a job because my education had put me above the position requirements and I was eligible for a different job. While this is similar (with my other job forcing me to make the decision) it felt different. It felt like I was just quitting.
    I get in there and the GM and another manager are in the office. I would have loved to talk to the one other manager there since Chris and I have a budding friendship with him, but it was better to talk to the top of the chain I guess. I asked if I could have a couple of minutes to talk to them and started to lay it out. My other job has given me more clients, I know how hard my schedule is to work around as it is, and I think it would be best for everyone if I gracefully bowed out. Nothing upsets me more than having to call of from a job and with the hectic scheduling it was only a matter of time. I'm terribly sorry and I do appreciate the opportunity but I think it's best if I go before I cause more problems than I fix at the restaurant. My GM was awesome about it. I don't know what I expected... maybe him to grow extra heads and yell or something? He told me that he thought I had potential and would hate to see me burn that bridge. That if I stayed on it would make it easier if at some point I wanted to come back. He knows some of my clients are school kids, so I could pick up shifts when the kids aren't in school, like on holiday breaks or summer time. That's fine, but what about now? We agreed that I would stay on for one shift each week, the same shift each week so that I could schedule around it and have some stability, and if it was still interfering we could revisit it. I assured him that I would finish out the schedule that is out now because I know I've made a commitment there and wouldn't break it. I mean, that's what this is about, keeping my commitments. He seemed appreciative, and while I was there I let the girls that I like know I intended to quit and then the end result of cutting hours so drastically. Nobody was upset, and everyone genuinely seemed glad that I was doing what was right. We all know how awful it can be to work with someone who is not completely there.
    This situation feels like another step in growing up. Making decisions about leaving a job that has potential and prioritizing your life isn't easy, especially if you're like me and feel like once you make a commitment you simply must keep it. I'm really lucky to have a great support system to back me up, paired with understanding employers that do their best to work with me. I hope everyone else is this fortunate!

**A little follow up on one of the silly bitches that has a harassment complaint filed against her. I'm not sure if I quoted the line from her berating message that said that me getting excited about cooking new home made dishes for my husband to be was pitiful, but if I didn't there it is. I was told by someone that I'm friends with that she had apparently posted about how she was making her first ever whole chicken and was really hoping it turned out right. To that I say hypocritical bitch, please. I've been cooking whole chickens since I was like 8. The next day I use some of the leftover meat to make another dish, and use the final leftovers to make a home made soup stock that can feed my family for another few days. Bitches man, bitches.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

I'm Sorry You Were Ever Born, Irene Goodnight.

    Thanks to a hurricane I've had to cancel work tomorrow with my client, and our date night hit a little earlier, leaving the fiance and I to have a nice night in. I'm not even mad! It's a nice change from the go, go, go pace we've been keeping... Two days off in a row sound really nice. Secretly I'm hoping we actually do lose power so we can play all off the grid and have some no technology time.
    I was productive before our date tonight though, I went to therapy. My lovely shrink and I talked a lot about where power lies in my life right now. For most of my life I've felt like I have had so little control over what goes on. I've always had someone else to answer to, someone I was working for, and someone that would benefit from what I was doing... and that someone was hardly ever me. For the first time in 23 years I'm finally in control of my life. Sure I'm working crazy hard and things get rough, but I'm doing everything for myself and my future. I'm not working to make someone else happy, I'm not trying to please everyone around me, and I'm not answering to anyone except my self. Of course I still like to make other people happy, but now I have the opportunity to allow it to be about myself, only trying to please the people I want to please, not everyone.
    The steps that I've been going through over the past year are intense for sure. The people closest to me know how much I've changed, and we all agree it's been for the best. It's taken a long time to get to a point where I'm comfortable with myself, at least comfortable enough to live my life for me.
    There's a line in a song by Laura Marling: "It's hard to accept yourself as someone you don't desire, someone you don't want to be." That song struck a chord with me when I first listened to it, and I think that the first step of changing is accepting who you are. If you can't realistically see who you are, you can't change it. To go through a process of accepting yourself in all of your ugliness and imperfection  is daunting on its own. Once that step is taken you have to seriously consider if change is something you can do, and if it's worth it. Then you have to suck it up and do it. Stop doing the things you don't like and start doing things you think might make you happy. Stick with it and work hard. If you can stick it out, you'll be able to reap your rewards.

Growing up is hard to do, and some people never bother to do it. It's an active process. We shouldn't criticize those who are unable to move on, or the people that choose not to. We don't have enough insight to see what they're up against. Consider that first we have to accept ourselves for who we are before we can change, and if you were some of the people you criticize you might not be able to accept it either.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

5 Things I've Come Up With

    Obviously there's been a hell of a lot of drama going on. It's been making us (us being Chris and I) analyze our life choices. Here's what we (but mostly me) have come up with:

1) We've got no regrets.
We're each happy we started this relationship and stayed in it at various times when it got rough. Some people might think we've rushed into things, other people might think that when you found the person you know you're supposed to be with you shouldn't put off a wedding for any reason, much less money. Regardless of what people think about our relationship we know whats right for us.
We're happy that we've gotten the liars, malevolent, and baleful people out of our lives. I'm sure more will inevitably crop up as we grow older and get into competitive fields, meet people that we don't know and trust them. What can I say? My husband to be is an insanely openhearted individual. Me, not so much. I guess that'd be one place where he's a little ying to my yang.
We couldn't be happier that we made the decision to move to/stay in the greater Philadelphia area, especially with the alternative of me moving and him staying in Lock Haven/State College. We have so much culture here, and it never ceases to amaze me. "Ugh, I'm bored and it's like Wednesday. Oh, I know, lets go to the World Cafe Live and see a new band play a show while we have dinner!" The central PA version? "Ugh, I'm bored and it's like Wednesday. We could go to the bar... again. Or maybe stay in and watch a movie... But we did that like yesterday. We could drive all the way to Williamsport to do something fun! But that's so far away... Nah. Lets just go to the bar and get wasted because there's nothing else to do and I hate my life here stuck in the mountains."

2) We know who we owe, and what we owe to them.
We've had our fair share of help, and our fair share of being screwed over. We know where we've got debts to pay and work hard to pay them. At this point, anyone that has helped us and not screwed us is close to us in one way or another, and we're happy to have them. We've got amazing people that understand our situation and their understanding sometimes is help enough. We really hope one day we can do as much for them as they do for us, but it's my personal belief that for some people there is no way we'll ever be able to do enough to thank them.

3) Everyone makes mistakes.
We know that we aren't perfect, and sometimes I don't even bother to try. We know we had our faults, and we also know everyone else does too. Judge lest not ye be judged, right? Sure there are some grudges we hold even after we know people may be remorseful and even have apologized, but wounds don't heal over night and some never will. That is just a truth that needs to be accepted, and I know how hard it can be to come to terms with.

4) Growing up isn't easy.
Chris had been doing the whole life thing on his own for a while, but this is my first go at it. The first time I'm out of school and not rushing back next semester, the first time I've lived with someone, the first time I've been engaged. People live different lives and do things at a different rate, so while I may have been taking on the responsibilities of an adult a decade ago it wasn't by choice. This is the first time I get to do it on my own terms. It's tough working two jobs, doing research, studying for exams so I can get into the doctoral programs I want, and maintaining relationships. It makes me so grateful that I've got friends going through the same sort of things.

5) The future is going to be awesome.
Looking at how far we've come from before we met each other, seeing the leaps and bounds we've made even since we got engaged... It makes me so excited for our future. I've said it before and I'll say it again: No matter what happens, knowing that I'll have Chris in my life every day when I get up makes everything feel a little bit better.

    Most people I know have thought I'm an optimist, always looking for the bright spot in a bad situation, trying to enjoy the most menial tasks and looking for opportunities around every corner. Chris is the only person that's easily seen through my bubbly facade (or maybe that I've trusted enough to be honest with) and has told me that I'm pessimistic on multiple occasions. He hasn't said that to me in months, so I guess that on some level I must be getting more excited about the things we have today, and the things we get to look forward to tomorrow.

Oh hey everyone, fun fact: according to the tracking info, some people that don't have access to any sites I post a link for this blog to feel the need to actually google it, just to read it. Now, I'm going to guess that these people are probably the ones who hate me and Chris and think I should grow up and get a life and be more mature, etc. etc. since they're as blocked as I can make them. It's cute really.

Til next blog! <3

Monday, August 22, 2011

Little Girl's First Police Report

If you're just going to bitch after reading it, don't read it.
This novel idea brought to you by Danielle

    Lets start this one out by saying I'm not happy or proud of what I've been forced into doing. I truly believe that individuals should be able to solve there problems on their own, and we're all adults here... so why can't we?

    Several months ago I made it explicitly clear that I no longer wanted contact from a group of people in any form. I didn't want to see them, hear from them, be friends with them on facebook, or have them in my life at all. This request was punctuated by unfriending them on facebook, deleting their phone numbers, and a solid plan to NEVER go back to the town they've come from. Unfortunately some people don't understand that message and can't control themselves. 
    Some of Chris and I's very adult and mature friends can't seem to help but continuing to interject in our lives, ranging from text messages and phone calls, to nasty quips right here on this blog. It's childish and reminds me of how glad I am that we decided not to stay in that little town of theirs, since there must be so little to do.
    Previous incidences aside, this weekend some of these lovely kids decided that they wanted to call me from blocked numbers at all hours of the night and make jokes, criticize my relationship and giggle away. Seriously? Get Netflix, and a life.
    Last night one of the super shining stars of the group we would like to never see or hear from again felt the need to send me a facebook message about how I "need to work a little harder" on forgetting about these people we've put behind us. It's cute how i need to work on forgetting them, but they want to continue to insert themselves in my life. Real helpful advice, right? Well, after telling me the right way to run my life for another page or so she added this gem: "Take care of your relationship with Chris and never let him go. You have to think about you guys as a couple. If you keep doing what you do with your blogs, he may end up getting mad someday with how you talk about his friend." Now, I think if you read my blogs you know that Chris is a priority, so maybe she hasn't been paying attention. I don't discuss Chris's relationships with his friends in detail because they simply aren't mine to discuss but ***SPOILER ALERT*** Chris kind of feels exactly as I do about what's been going on, as well as his friends. Chris loves my blogs. He loves that I can vent out in a space where I can get feedback, and he loves that I always feel a little bit better afterward. I love it because I can vent, and because (believe it or not) most people are dealing with bitches in their lives, and hearing about my experiences makes other people feel like it's not so bad, that reading this stuff is helping them, and I'd blog just for that. She goes on and on in a pseudo-helpful tone that she knows I don't care to hear for many more lines.
    That said, I responded, much shorter and far less sweet:

Thanks for the advice that wasn't really wanted? As for (a boyfriend in the group), Chris and I are on the same page about it. Actually, Chris and I are on the same page about everything in my blog. It's nice that you've got such great relationships but you have no idea about what happened between LCCWB and I, and given that fact you will never have any idea of how well or poorly I'm handling that situation.

I hope that you don't have to go through what I've gone through, but if you ever do you'll probably regret this message.

It'd be a fuck ton of a lot easier to forget her if she would stay out of my life, but (as I'm sure she'd deny) she can't seem to do that very well. As clear as we've made it that we would like EVERYONE from central PA to leave us alone (that would include [where I listed their cute little group]... pretty much everyone but Gill) those people just can't seem to GTFO and stay out of our lives. Including this little message. I believe I unfriended you for a reason, I didn't think i had to go as far as blocking you like I had to do with (LCCWB and boyfriend).

So, respectfully, help me forget the people I think are worthless and don't bother to interject anymore.


Oh, and PS- I hope you and (her fiance) actually make it to the altar this time, I'm sure it'll be a beautiful event and you'll be surrounded by a mixture of people who love you both and people that will eventually make you wish you didn't have to see their faces in your wedding photos.
Funny thing about that ps... she's marrying a man that cheated on her during their first engagement, and who she's had suspicions of cheating again. Great girl to be taking advice from, right?
    I block the chick. Like I said, not interested in hearing from her. Last word said, conversation over. She gets the message I don't want to have any contact with her and should be mature enough to  respect that. It's over. Plus I blocked her so she can't message me again even if she was that immature, right?
    Wrong. I forget that some couples have no respect for one another's privacy or reputation. She's so compelled to answer this request to not be spoken to that she hops on her fiance's account to continue to berate me. This one's real good, but I'll only give you kids excerpts and keep some of the good stuff to myself:

"I think you are a fucking psycho who writes about how she wants people to die or go kill themselves. It really bothers me that you are in the profession of helping people with psychological disorders and what not when you are so messed up yourself"
"I tried to be nice, and I tried to give you advice. None of us care what you think of us. I just thought I'd throw out some advice that I gave myself when I lost some good friends. But you just have to put your defenses up and flip the fuck out." If she thought reminding her I'd asked her to go away was flipping out, bitch needs to see me "flip the fuck out."
"I will never regret the friendships that I have with them, and even if we drift apart I will never look at my wedding photos and regret them being part of my special day." Isn't it cute how for some girls it turns into their special day? The hubbs to be gets thrown out of it!
"You really anger me, and I hope for the sake of your future patients that you get the therapy you need, before you tell one of them to jump off a cliff or something. You do not know how to listen and take nice advice. You are a little kid who will never know how to be independent." I think therapy would be a good thing for you too sweetie. Oh, and there's this funny thing about independence. I've been taking care of a handicapped kid since I could lift her, taking care of a home since I was 9, and became the homemaker before I was 12 when my mom went back to school. I've been more of an adult then you'll ever be, taken care of more shit than you'll ever have to take care of and still managed to go to school and get an MA by 23. So... mirror please? (btw mommy, mad props on going back to school. Sure it was rough on us but it made us a much better family!)
"I think you are a sad excuse for an adult. You should have grown up a long time ago." I think we should see above... Maybe hand over the mirror again?
"So enjoy your sham of a marriage, you said it took you 6 months to trust chris, but you rushed right into tying the knot. hmmm that might last forever...." Thanks for the sweet words honey pie, and I'm sure you're marriage to someone who openly cheated on you will go great too. A question on my part, really I don't know, does it count as rushing into tying the knot if you're not married yet, and taking a 3 year long engagement? Fill me in.

    So that's what's going down in my life. Either way this was all too much for me. I've said it nicely, I've said it rudely, I've yelled it, written it, cried it out loud. All I want is for these people to leave me and my life alone. We've done as much for them. We don't laugh at their stupid status's on facebook. When I hear rumors around town about how LCCWB cheated on her boyfriend when she visited town last I ignore them. If anyone in this party of annoying people that won't go away comes up, I change the topic or remove myself from the conversation, all because I'm no longer interested. I've done everything that I can think of to get them out of my life and they just won't go. So what's a girl to do?
    I've asked around. Sought council, if you will. It seems as though, short of going up there and beating some ass (which isn't my style. I'm a lover, not a fighter... Plus gas is expensive and this girl has 2 jobs. Or rather, this sad excuse for an adult.), the only thing left to do is get a higher power involved.
    Now darling dearest readers of mine, what this means is that the sweet, well meaning girl who was trying to hide her deeply held hatred of me now has her name and information in a police file. If she gets pulled over, has the police called to her house for any reason, or applies for a job that checks police files it will come up that she has had complaints made against her for harassment. After working in the prison I can tell you that without a charge it doesn't mean much, but it does mean that any law enforcement officer will think twice about believing her stories or taking her word in the event that she was victimized. It's unfortunate, I know. 
I suppose the lesson we must learn here children, is to keep your mouth shut, the keys on your computer quiet, and stay off that cell phone touch screen if you know you should. Respect people's wishes for privacy (respect people in general) and if you truly believe that they are doing wrong, wait for karma. Personally, I don't believe that karma will catch up with everyone. Some people will live their whole lives in a pseudo prostitute manner, sleeping with people to get what they want and never get what's coming to them. Some people will harass other people to the point that they feel like they can't do anything about it themselves and get away with it because, lets face it, our justice system isn't perfect. I do believe, however, that if people could grow up and act like adults when it's called for we could have a better world.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Opposites Attract?

    Talk to most people and they'll be split about 50/50 on whether opposite personality types attract. Some people think that we all need a ying to our yang, while others feel like relationships with drastically different people are just too difficult. Talk to a psychologist that's studied relationships and human interaction and they'll tell you that opposites attracting is the exception, not the rule. Occasionally you'll see a content relationship with drastic opposites but the vast majority of relationships of any kind are based on fundamental similarities in personality types, values and a slew of other factors. We like people who are like us. A person that is too different just won't mesh into our lifestyle.
    Sometimes I think about this when it comes to Chris and I. We aren't the same in many aspects of our lives, but as we get closer and know each other longer I see that we really match up a lot better than I originally expected. Our energy levels are similar, our values are similar, our life priorities are so close it gets scary. We're two peas in a pod, me and that boy, and it makes for a pretty happy life. Sure, he has interests outside of mine and occasionally throws a curve ball that I didn't see coming, and I do the same, but for the most part we match up.
    This leads me into what I'm really all riled up about, (who didn't see this one coming?) of course it is LCCWB again. Chris let me in on a little insider tip that he noticed she's fucking up even more, showing how different she and I really are. I haven't really discussed much of the beginning of the relationship between Chris and I on this blog, but to make the story short and sweet it was a little rocky. His ex openly made it her goal to stop this relationship from happening, and made it clear she'd do anything she could to stop us from even getting off the ground. This included lying to everyone about she and him, telling him that they couldn't be friends if he was with me, making it a point to call him when she heard I'd be with him so I'd think they chatted all the time, trying to pit his friends against me and even going so far as to lie to his family and when they pointed it out becoming outraged that he would believe his brother over her. Not a pretty picture. It took 6 months or more for me to trust him enough (and for him to get her the fuck out of his life) for our relationship to move forward in a real way. Now he's moved twice and completely ignored any attempts at communication with her, and this seems like a method that's finally worked to get her out of our lives completely.
    Still, not to the point. Today when I got home from both jobs and a therapy appointment my darling fiance informed me that apparently LCCWB and crazy ex bitch have started hanging out, talking, being besties, etc. Now, I don't know why this would surprise me at all. I know for a fact that neither of these girls have the same values as I do. They're insanely similar, in fact. LCCWB has done things like the ex did to me in the past. For some reason, I'm still surprised and hurt that LCCWB could be so two-faced and bitchy that she would turn around and be best friends with someone who she said was ugly, awkward, bitchy and annoying. In essence, I'm wondering why people can't keep their values straight.
   If I'm going to say someone is a horrible bitchy person, I'll say it to them. I believe there are only 2 reasons why an individual wouldn't say what they've got to say in person. 1) They don't mean it. 2) They're too pussy to put it out there. Either way, I feel like if you can't say it to their face, DON'T SAY IT. It's simple kids. Mommy taught you that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. I'm teaching you to back your shit up.
   Back to the point, me and LCCWB are obviously value opposites. We don't have the same ideas about loyalty, truthfulness or allegiance. She shows no respect for anyone, lies to her boyfriend, uses his family, cheats, and goes behind every person she knows backs. She'll very easily say that one of our friends husbands only married her for her money and then hug him and tell him how he's just the best guy ever. I've seen her do it. She does thing that I simply could not live with. We're opposites in activities and our views on a lot of other major issues.
    The question then becomes why did I bother with her for so long? The obvious things come to the surface... My value of loyalty and friendship, the fact that we were teens and had such a long history, not wanting to lose something I'd invested in. It could have been anything, even if it was a waste. But I've got a different theory, and I put it to you all:
    Perhaps opposites attract only to balance ourselves. This may be the reason for failed marriages, crazy benders, and bad decisions in general. At some point or another we must consider our standing in life, and how true to ourselves we are being. A perfect way to test this is by aligning ourselves with someone incredibly opposite and trying to make it work. If it does, we've changed along the way and that may be the source of our difficulty, and if it doesn't we know where we stand. Sometimes these experiments of self may last longer than others, but sooner or later we must figure it out.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Personal Regrets

    I used to be able to say that I didn't regret anything that I'd gone through in my life. I knew that even though I've made mistakes they had helped me become the person that I am now. I'm happy, for the most part, with who I am. I've got a good job, a sweet education, a fiance I can't imagine my life without, the initiative to get a second job, an amazing family and an exciting future. Needless to say I've still got all of those things but I now have regrets.
   I regret wasting time on a person that didn't deserve it. I regret letting a parasite in to my life and allowing it access to my family and loved ones. I regret letting it stay for so long that it had the potential to rip apart everything I'd worked for until it was gone. I regret wasting my good will and love on a person that barely deserved to breathe. I regret letting one pitiful excuse of a human being push my faith in humanity over the edge, making me less likely to trust or help people in the future. I regret being a bad judge of character before it was too late.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I do hope that this person gets what they deserve, but on some level I just wish that they could recognize their faults and be a better person. Not to me, because I'm not interested, but to the rest of the world. People deserve better than that.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Some lessons we may never learn.

    It's been months since this blog started, and any faithful readers know it began due to the drama going on with a horrible bitch of a parasite that I needed to remove from my life all together, because she was only bringing me down and making my life worse that it could have been. I was really glad that I had finally become strong enough to cut out someone bad for me. It's a big step.
    A step that hasn't exactly stuck. I knew this would be a problem, and I knew it was only a matter of time. I hoped that I would be strong enough to continue hating her with a passion unparalleled. She treated my family like shit, she disrespected my fiance and my relationship, and she's never been a good friend. She lied to everyone that took care of her when she begged for it. She only sucks out the good that a person could provide and drains them until they've got nothing left to give, then blames them and moves on. She's spiteful, rude, uncaring, unreliable and untrustworthy. And for some reason I can't help but feel like I should at least have one female friend that knows me well.
    I'm not saying that I want to mani/pedi with her. I'm not saying that we would ever have a friendship like we had before, because there is no way we ever could. The issue comes down to how can someone you dealt with for so long, almost 2 decades, just walk away like a lying cunt? Isn't it worth it to at least try. Finally show some appreciation?
    We both did things wrong. In my opinion she messed up a lot more than I did, and I'm sure she feels exactly the opposite. For the record, she's still a lying cheating cuntfaced whore bitch, but we all have friends like that.

I wish there was a way to teach people the things they should have learned before they even started school. How to compromise, share, be a decent person and be worthwhile as a whole. It's to late to teach this girl how to do these things, but that doesn't mean that she shouldn't want to repay some of the kindness and heartfelt giving that I begged everyone I know to give her, let along what I did to help her by covering for her when she was cheating, doing drugs, picking her up at all hours of the night in places she shouldn't have been and doing everything she needed. I deserve more than she ever gave me, and at the very least I deserve an apology from her. During the most important event in my life so far she turned it into a freak show about her, focused on how big of a cunt she can be.

I wish that I was stronger than this...

Friday, August 5, 2011

What goes into wedding vows?

    I think one of the most important things that will go into the vows I give to Chris on our wedding day will be a promise to stand by his side, no matter where life takes us. This is a promise I've already made to him quietly and off the record, but I think it is something to be said publicly for all of the people who matter to us to know. I will dedicate everything I can to supporting him in any decision he makes, especially because at this point his decisions are generally discussed with me first, which I really appreciate.
   Making this commitment doesn't seem like a big deal. He reciprocates. We will always be there for one another and make adjustments to what we want for ourselves to make sure each other are happy. It's a true partnership. It's nice to know that I'll always have someone there for me, and to know that someone else is counting on me a little bit as well.
    There is a scary aspect of this partnership as well. Knowing that at any point in time you could make a life changing decision not just for yourself, but for the person you love as well, is scary! What if you make the wrong decision? What if you support a decision that turns out to be worse than what was going on? What if you speak out against a decision that could have been the big break? How can you be secure in the decisions you make without having some psychic power?
    I guess what it comes down to is knowing that no matter what happens you will always have a partner. If you remember the hardest times that happened while you were together you can compare and contrast, and see the positives. For example, the hardest time that I think Chris and I had was probably when we first started dating. He had people in his life that I was uncomfortable with, we were hours away from one another, I had classes every day and they were scheduled when he was off of work so keeping communication open was difficult. I didn't have a job and before long he didn't either. Things were rough and sometimes we couldn't even have each other to lean on because of time and money. It was really hard. So, now even if we might be working too hard or super long hours, even if money is tight, even if we hate our jobs or make a wrong decision we get to come home at night to each other, and our little pets. Unlike the hardest times I can wake him up and feel his arms around me every night if I need to. I can always find time to talk to him about my life and problems, even though sometimes it might mean a little less sleep for both of us. No matter what happens in our lives, things will be better than they were at the beginning because of the changes we've made to our lives. We have a more secure relationship, better people in our lives and the stability of a relationship over time. Even if we get into a situation like we had in the past the simple advancement of our relationship will make it astronomically more bearable.
    I'm happy to be able to notice the growth of our relationship, and being able to appreciate it makes me even luckier.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

We drown ourselves in sorrows, insecurity.

    Things are coming up awesome for the couple that is Chris and Danielle. I've scored a job that is (relatively) well paying and seems like it will be a lot of fun while still being flexible so we can maintain a life outside of work. We both got calls this week from jobs we didn't think we'd gotten asking us to come work for them, and stood up for ourselves, telling both of them to suck it. We'd moved on and don't feel obligated to companies that didn't show the interest in us that we showed in them. It's a big step for us. I've been working on cooking home made recipes so we save some money and doing a pretty good job at it! Everything is coming up (current and future) Harris!
    Unfortunately its when everything is going awesome that I start to get super anxious. Everything is wonderful, so something must be waiting in the wings to go wrong, right? This is a classic self-sabotaging thing that I always always always do, and I've got to stop it. So anyone reading that talks to Tom DON'T TELL HIM what I'm about to tell you! I've started to keep a list of the arbitrary anxieties so that I can work with my therapist more productively. Tom would love that. So don't tell him.
    Things are going in the right direction in our lives, we just have to keep them on track. I'm thinking of starting another blog (simply because it's continuously growing so I don't think I could jam it all in here) about what I've learned about marriage through our engagement. This is inspired by a darling friend of mine, Alyssa. Maybe I should change her name too, hahahha bitches. She has so much knowledge to share about planning a wedding, she's full of DIY secrets and bargains that every bride should be let in on. She seems to think that I've got some kind of insight to marriage from living together. I think we should share and cooperate! We'll see if that goes anywhere.
    In life, things get difficult and sometimes they really shouldn't. One day I'll learn how to let things go the way that they are going and just be happy. Wish me luck!

Friday, July 29, 2011

With how much we change, how can we know each other?

    I'm sitting here on the couch of our darling one bedroom apartment, my cat on our other couch and the chicken soup I'm making from scratch on the stove, thinking about everything that I've been learning. I've learned about myself, other people, the "real world," and everything else that comes into my life.
    Most importantly to me, I'm learning how to live as an adult and become a good wife. I've gone through this rough economy and finally found an adult job. I'm cooking from scratch for my husband to be, figuring out what he likes and how to make the most out of the little money we have. Tonight's soup is a homemade stock and chicken from the dinner I made last night, I'm so proud! I'm learning how to not run home every time there is a rough patch, not asking for help every time things are uncomfortable. It's not easy to do or adjust to, but it makes me proud of myself and confident that Chris and I can get through anything, and while it's nice to know that we have support from my family we don't need it on a regular basis. Granted I still have my mother's help in most things, but we both know I'm moving further towards independence.
    Life throws curve balls, it's just something you've got to get used to. We have ups and downs no matter what we do. Our lives change, people come and go, and we have little control over it unless it's an active change that we're making. Which is awesome. All of this brings me to a question that I can't quite answer...
    With how much we change, how can we know each other? We go through life forming relationships and making bonds, the whole time changing and developing. Unless someone is right by your side through it all it's only chance that keeps relationships together. The more an individual is needy or conforming, especially if they lack autonomy, the chance of things staying the way they once were goes down. The impact an individual can have in helping another person maintain their identity is often unseen. As soon as a strong individual separates themselves (by choice or chance) from a weaker one (simply weaker in a sense of personality, which could be a positive for some people) the weaker individual latches on to someone else to find identity. Unfortunately that can sometimes be a move for the worst.
    I'm confident that I'm growing into a more independent individual, able to maintain my personality and change in a controlled way, all the while having a wonderful man on my side to keep my feet on the ground.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Tired of being the bigger person?

    I have to admit, that actually makes me giggle a little. I've been swearing I'm going back to hitting the gym, but then we got this awful heatwave and job interviews and we just haven't had the time. Either way this isn't about body image issues. That would be dumb.
    Last night in a pretty drunken feeling of loveliness I decided that I shouldn't be so harsh on LCCWB's boyfriend. I mean, everyone had already told me that he lacks any autonomy and shouldn't be blamed for his actions. Like an uneducated 4 year old. I still want nothing to do with him, but I decided that I shouldn't be holding what he did against him. That could make someone think I didn't want them in my house. Kind of put a strain on another friendship. Right? Either way, I'm not happy about it, and in retrospect I think it was a horrible idea (simply because trying to be any level of nice to these people is a waste of time and effort) and I only wish I could take it back. Oh, it? I sent this message to him via facebook:

So as unhappy as I still am with you, and as much as I still don't want anything to do with you, after everything that's gone on I've been thinking a lot. And discussing it with my therapist. While my ultimate hope would be that you would meet an unfortunate and untimely end, that's probably not going to happen. Therefore I'm marrying someone who, for some reason, still considers you a friend.

I don't think you deserve him as a friend. He's too good to be treated the way you treat him, which is generally as an afterthought. In the time we've all known each other I don't think I've ever seen you put good old GA first, regardless of the situation. Lucky for me I've realized what real friends are, and who deserves to be considered a friend by me, and you and LCCWB don't fit into that category. Unfortunately he hasn't figured out that he deserves better yet. You're a shit friend to him, but the ending point is that for some fucked up reason he still considers you to be a friend.

That being said, if you ever decided to put him first and, oh I don't know, want to come visit him and show your support for his new life with med school and engagements and moving on with everything (which I highly doubt you could ever find time in your oh so busy schedule to come see one of your "best friends") go ahead and do it. You can stay here and see him all you want. I, however won't be staying here if you plan to do that so I'd like advance notice.

You're disrespectful lying girlfriend is still not welcome here and never will be, so I'd suggest against bringing her here, even if I'm not.

Now, I wish I had sent something that said: 
Fuck off and die asshat. You're a little bitch boy that doesn't deserve a part in my life even if it is only through someone else. You and your girlfriend are worthless, the only people who would miss you if you were dead would be your parents, cuz hers certainly don't care. In all reality, though, it would probably lift a burden from your parents if you two died, since they're financing your life together. I mean I'm sure waitressing is really covering all of those bills. No? Right, well maybe suicide pact then? Do everyone a favor. 

    But that would also be a little off base, right? At least then I could be like "Oh, so sorry I acted as immaturely and awful as LCCWB does on a regular basis, but I was wasted! WASTED! Not my fault. That is what we say when we're a cunt right? We don't take responsibility? No? Great!"
    The long and short of it is that in my inebriated state, for just a little while, even if it wasn't in the nicest way, I started to put someone's feelings just a little over my own. I don't want that jerk here. I don't ever want to think of him or his girlfriend again. But my fiance, the love of my life, hasn't realized that he's a worthless fuck head yet. He still wants to be friends or whatever. So I didn't want one of my future husbands "friends" feeling unwelcome in our home. That would be awful.  I like to be a good host and the last thing I want to do is make someone uncomfortable. For the last 6 months LCCWB lived at my house she managed to make me so uncomfortable I didn't even stay there very often at all. I spend more time there now that I've officially moved out than I did when she was living there. All because I felt like I couldn't be in my own house. It was awful and I didn't want that for someone else. 
    The response I got? Nothing. I had to unblock him to send the message and be (psuedo) nice to him. He returned the gesture by ignoring it and blocking me. Now in all reality it was probably LCCWB who intercepted the message (she looked over his shoulder for his password like 2 weeks into their relationship and has been fucking with his shit ever since) and acted that way so there would be no way he could know I was trying to be nice. That's the kind of manipulative bullshit that she would do to avoid having to look like the bad person. Nearly everything out of her mouth is a lie, and she only tells the truth if it might benefit her. For her boyfriend to know that his friend's fiance was  a decent person, contrary to what she had told him would shatter things for her. 
    Long story short, this is just one more example of how I shouldn't bother with people in general, but especially people who have proven themselves to not be worth it. That couple, aside from introducing us, has done nothing good for either Chris or I in over a year. Not been a positive or supportive influence. Not helped or even really listened to anything we had to say. Not even shown the respect that any human being deserves towards us. They don't deserve for me to try to be nice to them. I only wish my darling fiance could recognize that as well and stop talking to them. Let go of a crap friendship that hasn't produced anything positive in over years. 

    Lessons like that are hard to learn, and I wish that I had the support of my other half so I could learn it too. It's like smoking. We're quitting treating ourselves like shit, and it's easier to quit something if you've got someone else there with you.  

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Then we looked at our bank accounts.

    I absolutely hate it when people complain about how much money they don't have. I get it, you're broke, do something about it or shut up. Actually, shut up either way. Don't complain, just make a change that will benefit you or work harder at what you're doing. Take a job that you're better than and work your ass off for minimum wage. Move into a smaller place. I don't care how you deal with it but just fucking deal. Everyone else does.
    That being said, I'm really bummed out about the financial situation. I know, I know, but I figure I've listened to so many other people bitch that I feel like it'll be ok if I do it once. So stop reading if it bugs you out.
    Chris and I are trying to plan a wedding. Weddings cost money. Money is something that we don't have right now. Near empty bank accounts countered with a lack of paychecks is something that is making us incredibly uncomfortable. Add on debts to other individuals and financial institutions and it's almost unbearable. Now I know that things are going to change. If we stick it out through August my hours at work are going to jump at the same time Chris's fellowship checks start coming in, as well as his (hopeful) job with Apple, and him continuing with Blizzard. He has been doing a great job taking care of us, keeping a roof over our heads, and making sure we're ok... but ok isn't comfortable, and ok won't fund a wedding.
    We're an us now, so the financial situations are combined. Maybe not legally just yet but I'm one of those old school people who believes that engagement is practice for marriage. This means that no matter what or who got us into this financial situation, whether it was my car needing work or Chris's job, our choice of apartments that are a little expensive, me not having an income for a while or job hours being cut back, it doesn't matter. What matters is where we are and how we're going to have to work really hard to get back to comfortable. 3 months, tops, and we'll be in a situation to not only be comfortable but also to be able to save money, even be a little more luxurious too.
    Now if only I could get some things done around the house when I'm out of it.... How will we make that happen???

Saturday, July 16, 2011

I googled murder...

    Ok, I didn't google murder. I don't usually google things like that, especially after my work in prison. I know enough about it.
    What is true is that I've been having the most vivid and graphic dreams lately, and they include murder. Now this would normally just upset me a little, but in these dreams I'm the one causing the deaths. Sometimes it's just by standing by and letting the people die, sometimes it's because I refused to help, and in one of them I was the person actively and graphically murdering people. If it had been one dream I may have let it go without much thought. I'm always dreaming something strange. Sometimes it fascinates Chris because he doesn't usually have in depth dreams, at least not ones he remembers. Sometimes they're strange and funny, and sometimes they're vivid memories of what has already happened, sometimes they're about things that are going to happen. My dreams vary and are usually entertaining.
    Either way these dreams really stuck with me and stayed in my head. Today I went to see my little sister. A while back she got very interested in dream interpretation and absorbed a lot of it. After telling her all about these dreams she had some super insight. She told me that death generally means change. Murder = forced death, therefore forced change, or at least change that I'm not stopping even if someone asked me to. Her interpretation seemed good. That girl has really got something.
    For the first time since I can remember I'm actively making change, and it's not always pretty. I've got to really work at the process. I'm cutting people out of my life for good and opening the doors to others. I'm letting myself put myself first. I'm in the process of developing hobbies and interests that are all my own, while beginning a career that would easily support me without anyone else's help. I'm becoming independent while working on myself to increase my health mentally and physically.
    For the first time in my entire life I'm becoming a happy, healthy, autonomous and independent individual. It's a good feeling.

Still no word from darling George. I have to say I'm glad to have him gone, just like I'm glad to get people gone from my life. Although, once again Georgie boy, if you want to hop back on and start stirring up trouble again, please do. I'm at a point where I can laugh at the pseudo-anonymous comments because it shows that people can't hide their pitiful childish lying ways. I won't lie though. I play Warcraft with my husband to be, so I guess I'm childish too. Except we rock at it, so....

Thanks for reading! Oh, and in case it wasn't clear, I don't want to or plan to kill anyone. Although a couple weeks ago I would have loved to stab a bitch! :)

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Just because you close a chapter doesn't mean it'll stay closed.

    I've been doing really well with everything in my life. Scored a job interview for something in my field, worked out some issues with the future husband, and have been working really hard in therapy. Like I've said before, I'm done with the LCCWB situation. She's out of my life and not welcome to return. I was finally separating myself from it and it felt good.
    There is only one hang up with this situation. My fiance feels the way that I do about friendships. Some friends are family to us and relationships like that shouldn't just be let go. Unfortunately this means he has an attachment to her boyfriend, a guy that my honey has known since high school. At one point Chris had decided, like I had, that this parallel couple didn't need to be a part of our lives. This, however, has changed for him in his desperation to maintain the relationships he'd worked so hard to form years ago. Unfortunately for me this means he felt that it would be most beneficial to ask the pussy ass boyfriend to apologize to me.
    This apology was too little too late. Between the name calling and threatening that he did to me I feel like a genuine apology would have to have come far sooner, simply when he cooled off and realized what he'd done was wrong, much like my apology to his Lying Cheating Cuntfaced Whore Bitch girlfriend did. The time that has passed since all of this started is too much time. If you're truly sorry you would have made it a point to express that a long time ago. You also wouldn't need to be prompted by my darling husband to be. Too little, too late.
    Furthermore, the last time I spoke to this individual I told him to lose my number, not to call or contact me again. I told him that he and his girlfriend were no longer welcome in my life, my home, or anywhere around me. I wanted them to drop off the face of my earth and leave me alone. They'd already done enough to make me unhappy... I didn't need anymore. So, at this point, even if he felt the need to apologize he shouldn't have gone directly to me, but rather asked Chris to see if it was ok with me to contact me. I would have said it wasn't. If you can't respect me or my wishes there is no way that I will have a relationship with you in any way.
    Why can't this just go away? I'm exhausted. I don't do well with hating people, or even staying angry for very long. This is why I just want it to go away. We live hundreds of miles from them. We don't travel in the same circles anymore, with the exception of 2 friends. I'm not interested in reconciliation. Not now, not ever. I deserve better than that and decided that I'm going to do my best to give that to myself.
    If my fiance wants to associate with people that have no respect for me and can cause me so much pain, it sucks but it's the way it is. We are separate entities and therefore have the right to maintain friendships that don't involve one another. Quite frankly, as long as I don't have to see or hear from those people, I'm fine with it. This will have to be worked out by the time we make a guest list for the wedding, but until then I just don't care. As long as I don't have to deal with it.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Is this what growing up is supposed to be?

    In our new life Chris and I have a lot of challenges to face. I'm still in the job market, trying to find something that fits, or more realistically just find something. At this point I've accepted that the closest thing to my field I'll get will be as a TSS, a job I'm incredibly overqualified for. Unfortunately that job won't start until the school year starts so I'm pretty useless as far as financials go. Chris is working so hard for us both with 2 jobs (hopefully soon to be 3 with the recent Apple interview!) and it causes a lot of stress. The poor thing is putting himself through hoops far and wide, causing exhaustion and fatigue almost all the time. It makes me feel useless and like the things I can contribute just aren't good enough. Living paycheck to paycheck is not what I was hoping for, even if it will only be for a few more weeks.
   I keep hope that once Chris starts medical school and we start getting his fellowship salary, which should be around the same time I start working again, we'll be more comfortable. I know I won't be super happy with the jobs that I'll have access to for a while, until I get decent experience in my field. It's horribly inconvenient that you can get an MA by 23, but nobody wants you til you've got years of experience, which most of us didn't have time to get while we were finishing these degrees. It's frustrating beyond belief.
   Things that make us frustrated and unhappy will make us stronger in the end, therefore making it easier to be happy later, right??

Thursday, July 7, 2011

So much time wasted, so much future to fix it.

    So lots of people close to me have noticed that I've been having a rough time lately. I'm still so totally broken up about the way things between LCCWB and I went down that I slipped into a little depression. Now, I know that this is stupid, and that a person who doesn't deserve to be in your life shouldn't be in your thoughts, but it shows how devastated I've been by losing someone who I put so much time and effort into.
    I tried to help someone at every point when they needed it. I supported this person and was honest with them. When they were down, I helped them up. I lent them money, spent time with them whenever they wanted companionship, picked up the pieces every time they didn't listen to my advice and got hurt. I went so far as to offer them a place in my family home when they couldn't afford to live on their own anymore and was looking at living out of their car because even their family wouldn't take them in. I gave this person everything I had to give, emotionally, monetarily and in any other way that I could. After almost 2 decades, when I'm finally tapped out, she's decided that she's done and doesn't care for our friendship anymore. While I find this really hurtful, some people close to me make some really good points. They continue to be adamant that she's jealous (this was discussed in an earlier post) and believe that she's the type of person that uses those around her for whatever they're good for. Once they're not useful anymore she leaves them and never looks back. Unfortunately that's something that other people who've extended a helping hand to her corroborate. I hate to know that I'm such a poor judge of character that I invested so much into someone worth so little. Of course I don't mean worth so little in a sense of what she ever did for me, because I never asked her for a thing and she never gave anything without being begged. I simply mean that someone who can't realize the value of a friendship that has given them so much isn't worth the friendship.
    People have pointed out that she's probably not thinking about it nearly as much as I have. That may be one of the most hurtful parts of this whole situation. I think about people that I met years ago, and only saw once, and the impact they've had on me and how it continues. I know that LCCWB doesn't care to remember anything good anyone has done for her. I'm absolutely flabbergasted that people can be so ungrateful with no though whatsoever. It sucks.
   Most of you know that I'm in therapy, and thank god for that. I have a lot of issues feeling like I'm not worth being treated well. I feel responsible for the bad things that happen, even if I had no hand in it. I wonder consistently why people are there for me and feel indebted to them. I ask for nothing because I feel like I don't deserve anyone's help, love or affection. These are things I work on regularly in therapy. I've even been finding myself using some CBT techniques (nobody tell Tom) to try and help me regain the ground I've lost in this situation.
    I've talked to a lot of people about this, I simply need to. Even my ex has been a wonderful support. I've just been in a really bad place right now. I've been so upset I can't plan for my wedding, even considering makes me want to cry. I've felt isolated and alone, and I've got no girl to chat it up with. Chris assures me that we'll be making new friends, but I don't even want to. My faith in humanity is dwindling, and why try with another person just to be hurt again? 
    Today, when I woke up feeling shitty about the situation again, I decided that it's over. I'm done letting myself beat myself up about someone else's shit behavior. Back to the gym, continuing with therapy, and making the most of the life we have.

No kittens today, and for a good reason. Pretty much everyone agrees that Georgie boy was either the bitch in question or her ball-less pussy boyfriend. See, they didn't have enough guts to say or do anything directly, but were obsessed enough to read and attack the blog. Now that they've been blocked from every media we've got this blog posted on, George is silent. Awkward... But not really. Stupid douche bags.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

New month, new day, new questions.

    Every day in this phase of life I'm coming up with questions that need to be answered. One of the biggest ones is obviously figuring out exactly what marriage is. I realize that while I've always considered being married, but never given too much thought as to what a good marriage should be. Needless to say, we're figuring it out. I know that I always thought I wouldn't want to live with someone until we were married, but Chris's proposal of moving in during our engagement has turned out to be wonderful. I haven't lived with anyone but my family and one unfortunate stray we let in since college. Now Chris and I have the chance to figure out exactly what each of us needs in a nice cozy 1 bedroom apartment. I'm learning what our marriage will be, and how to talk to him when I'm unhappy rather than just going to another room. It's not always easy, but I love it. Even when we have a tough time it ends up as a learning experience and we always seem to go to bed happy.
    A question that has come up recently (today actually) is how could a relationship that is built on lies survive? I'm so compulsively honest, especially with Chris, that I don't think I could possibly live day to day if I was keeping secrets from him, let alone actively lying to him. I understand omitting the occasional incriminating detail in the beginning of the relationship. Maybe we don't want our significant other to know just how many other people we've been with, or just how bad we've been in the past. We grow and change, and perhaps we want this new relationship to be a part of this "changed" us. I suppose it could be understandable. I'm lucky in my relationship with Chris, if for no other reason then I tried to scare him away from the start with the truth. I wasn't looking for a serious relationship, so I figured telling the complete truth right away might make him reconsider what he was getting into. It didn't work.
    My relationship aside, isn't there a point where you have to be honest or the relationship has to end? If you go on lying for a long period of time, wouldn't that in and of itself cause the relationship to end? Especially if you are lying about big, important things. If we lie about things, like being sick for instance, having something like a mental illness or an STD like herpes that doesn't necessarily show symptoms, at some point our partner will have to find out. Now I'm not talking about casual flings or one night stands (although if you have something potentially contagious you should always inform your sexual partners), I'm talking about relationships. At some point you'll have a slip, show a symptom, or their own inquisitiveness will bring them to notice something going on.
    Why would a person set themselves up to damage a relationship that they've built. It seems obvious that someone would be lying to their partner due to fear of losing the relationship if their secret was found out, but when the secret inevitably surfaces won't that damage the trust and put the relationship in jeopardy anyway?

Even with 5 years of studying psychology there are a lot of things I don't understand about people.