A cat, a rat, a woman and a man. That's what we call a family.

    Chris is visiting me for the first time in a while, and so much has gone on since my last blog post. Life is fluid, it's constantly changing, and healthy people change with it.
    Since my last post I've applied for/ interviewed for a job in State College to start taking steps in my career as well as get closer to Chris. I've applied to a few jobs around here as well, and today I scheduled training for an outpatient therapy job in North Philly. Sometimes I feel like there aren't very many options for me in my field right now, other times I feel like there are too many choices. I'm constantly reminded of the studies that show how people with more choices have higher rates of depression and anxiety, and I relate. While deciding on my next step I have a lot of anxiety about making the right decisions not just for myself, but for everyone involved. I want to make the choices that will benefit my family (both the one I was born into and the one I'm working on creating), my clients, my career, my bank account, my education, and the parts of the world that I touch. It's a lot to take in and a lot to consider when making decisions such as where to work and where to live. My conclusion so far? Apply anywhere I find interesting and when offers come in compare and contrast them and take what looks the best. The thing about it is that I'm apparently rather marketable... a 23 year old master of psychology is something that people seem to interested in.
    While I've been making these decisions Chris has been away in State College, studying and having fun. Our decision to have him got there was a tough one, but what he didn't know until recently is that I pretty much made the decision for him. Since his move here he's seemed like he missed his college life, complaining often about not being able to be with his friends and talking about how cool he thought State College was. I don't necessarily feel the same way and have even felt like I would rather be anywhere but there at points. With all of this I decided to push him to go back. I felt like this would give him the opportunity to return to his ideal college world with his friends... and without his fiance. He could spend some time independent of me and the responsibilities that come with a serious relationship (while maintaining fidelity, of course). He could play in the world that I feel like I grew out of a while ago and figure some things out, grow up and out of it, and figure out what exactly it was about that place and those people that he missed so much. All in all, I'd say this has been a successful venture, even though we've missed each other quite a bit.
    Now that Chris has nearly had his fill of frat boy type college behavior and realized what he finds to be truly important he seems ready to come back here for multiple reasons. The irony of the situation is that while I've been finding a career path close to State College, he's found one close to me. It's quite a Gift of the Magi situation. At this point he's adopted my philosophy of pursing interesting opportunities and waiting until offers come in. Once we've got some things on the table we hope to be able to be back together and back to building our future again.
    Another decision that has come up is that I've decided I will be making application to doctoral programs. I'm ready for the next step in my education, and I haven't given up on the idea of being Dr. Danielle. I know I can do it, I'm certainly good enough, and it is what I want in the long term. Lucky for my I've got an amazing support system to stand behind me and help me achieve my dreams. Between my family, Chris, and the few awesome friends that I have I know that I've got enough people to help me, guide me, and support me through any decision I make. So, ladies and gentleman, if you have suggestions of a doctoral program I should look into feel free to share. I've only got 3 that I know I'm applying to and I'd like to bump that number up to 6.
    In mundane news, my baby sister is coming home for spring break next week so I'm super pumped. It's always nice when our little family can be together. I'm looking at new cars because mine is 12 years old and I don't think that it would hurt to have a more grown up car, what with me being a grown up now and all that. Chris and I still have no date for the wedding, which I really appreciate. I don't think I could handle the stress of wedding planning right now and it's comforting to know that the man who asked me to marry him isn't pushing me to find the time to actually do it either. It's nice to have someone who is on the same page with you, regardless of where that page is in the book.


I try to recognize just how lucky I am on a regular basis. I am blessed with so many things others don't necessarily have. Some of these things have been dropped into my lap by good fortune, others came about from a lot of hard work and determination. Either way, I am one lucky girl. There is no question about that.

I said it really nice, I asked "Can you be my savior?"

    At this point in our lives I truly believe that people my age are at a very interesting place. We are, legally and by all rights, adults. At the same time we are children in so very many ways. Some of us are still children because our parents have allowed it (or perhaps forced it by hindering our development in one way or another) while others are children because they choose to be, or are clinging to the care free youth they recall and avoiding adulthood at all costs. Regardless of the reasons, I know that I personally look at life sometimes and realize I am so not ready/old enough/prepared for this. I'm thankful for these realizations, whether they're about big things like life and work, or little things like "OMG how do I have so much money in bills?!?!?!" and the fact that I'm still really uncomfortable being at home alone over night. If we never see where we have shortcomings then we can never develop and make the effort to become fully developed and healthy adults.
    Recently I was forced to face some of the parts of me that are very much still childlike. One being staying at home alone over night. I could have had a friend stay with me so I wasn't alone, but this friend was a boy (probably the preference if you're concerned about protection), and I believe that (even if they stay in separate rooms) a respectable and engaged young woman should not spend the night alone with another man. I got to sleep lightly, waking up at every sound... but I made it through. I doubt I'll ever be comfortable staying alone, but I can do it, and I know that my decision in that case was the adult one.
    Other things I have been forced to face. My shortcomings in adulthood have been thrown in my face in certain instances. I didn't like it at the time, but I doubt anyone could like to be told how they aren't good at life. Luckily for me, the things that I fall short at were cushioned by being brought to my attention through the love of my life. No, I don't like hearing about where or how I suck, but if I had to hear it from anyone I'm glad it was Chris. So many people can say things simply out of meanness or to be hurtful, but this way I know that the things I should work on are genuine issues, and I also have a barometer. I'm in no way hesitant to ask him how I've been doing on my self work, and he isn't afraid to tell the truth. That kind of relationship, while sometimes is harsh, is hard to find... even in a therapist.
    In case you're wondering how I'm not so awesome, I'll go ahead and give you some of the things I'm working on. I know we all like to see people struggle, so why not give the voyeuristic part of you something to smirk at. You can know what I might not be happy.
1) I pick fights, especially with the people I love. I like fighting. I feel like it's a cathartic release, and can be a very important part of a relationship. It creates a forum to express emotion honestly, even if not directly. That is to say that if you are upset or hurt about something and you fight about the dishes not getting done it can give you an opportunity to get out all the hurt you've been harboring. It's immature and inappropriate, but sometimes figuring out how to have a conversation about how you got hurt over something that couldn't be helped or had to be done, or finding a way to express your frustration with life becoming mundane... These things can be difficult. I am in no way saying that I'm suddenly against fighting, I just think that I need to work on when, where and what about. Some issues will inevitably end up in a fight, but I don't need to mask my pain about feeling second place by picking a pointless fight that will, most likely, get way out of hand. I'm going to have to try and be mature and quite frankly a little more respectful about things like that. Chris especially doesn't deserve to have me harp on him about nothingness when there is something I should come out and say.

2) When you take my age, education, career and life experience and combine it with an underlying insecurity and sometimes downright disliking of myself an interesting thing happens. I have a habit of projecting an air of thinking I'm super awesome (as I believe someone with my age, education, career and life experiences should be) and since it's so much work given my underlying insecurity I really throw myself into the act. This full commitment requires a little bit of focus, which can lead me to being slightly less considerate of the thoughts and feelings of the people around me. One of the very first things that Chris ever said to me, in the history of ever, was that I was a little brash. I try so hard to distract myself from insecurity and discomfort that it is sometimes becomes at the expense of others. The worst part? I don't even notice it on most occasions. It's almost funny because my day is filled with listening to other people, really really listening, watching their body language, and monitoring my body language and what I say very closely. It's my job. So when I think about how many people are surprised by what I do, and to hear that I'm rather good at it, it starts to make sense in a really messed up way. So I'm working on paying more attention in my personal life. Being more careful not to offend people even if I might feel like they aren't worth the attention.

3) With that last comment I think it's obvious what the next one is. I've had to make some apologies. I have said and done things without consideration to how it might make people feel. Most of the time it was pure negligence.. I didn't even consider it because I was wrapped up in keeping my facade of happiness up and I had that act to worry about. Some of them, however, I just didn't care about offending or didn't realize that they may have become offended because these people are the type to keep it to themselves or brush over it with a joke. Now anyone who really knows me knows that, with very few exceptions, the last thing I want to do is hurt people. If I say or do something that upsets another person and it's brought to my attention I'm quick to try and explain and apologize right there. I hardly ever mean to offend people. The only time I can think of that being something I might enjoy was when I was younger and a certain person and I used to sit around and judge people. Retrospectively, I think it demonstrates how horribly insecure she must have been as well.

4) I really have to work on trusting people. I have a long history of people disappointing and hurting me, and I have always been the kind of person that needs to have their trust earned, I don't give it away. About 7 months ago I had this super duper series of events with people really hurting me in ways that were new and unexpected, and it seemed to happen just one after another, over and over again. When that happened I stopped being nice and sweet. I don't think I've done very much at all just to be kind to other people since then. True altruism has left my life, and it's only because I can't trust in other people. Being kind to others without the expectation of anything in return has the ability to make you vulnerable. I was blindsided by people left and right. People being cruel, inconsiderate, harsh, mean, vindictive, malicious, and being just plain bad people. The only reason that I was susceptible to that was because I had an underlying faith in humanity. I trusted that people were good with no evidence to support it. Since then I haven't trusted anyone, I've just been waiting for people to disappoint or hurt me. It is a defense that I don't like, and I really need to work on it. It will still take time and effort for people to earn my trust but I have to let the option exist, and lately it hasn't.

    That's 4 of the many things I'm working on. I've got more, but lets not give it all away just yet. :) Of course the darling love that pointed them out didn't get into as much detail as I have, but sometimes this blog gets to be introspective. Now I won't say that Chris (and the rest of the world) doesn't have their own things to work on, but quite frankly that isn't my business to share all over on the internet. Not only that, but everyone has to get to the point where they're ready to work on things in their own time. Part of growing up is realizing that you can't dictate the life development of other people. That's a lesson that some people never learn.

Every day we grow and learn. Our lives and personalities are fluid even if we don't realize it. We'd be boring as a race if we weren't. The trick is to notice how you're growing and changing, own it, and make it into something that you want.

For the love of many things.

    Most of us have a passion or two, things that will never fail to make us happy. For some it's sports, for others it can be work, and for most of us we develop a passion for other people. It's an interesting idea that our passions are encouraged to develop in most areas, but not in others.
    Last night I somehow had the opportunity to discuss (in painful detail) my love and admiration for psychology and some of the amazing minds in my field. In the same night, with the same people, I got to lose my brain over hockey, and not just any hockey but my favorite team in the history of hockey... Including the history of my favorite team. I may have gone on to a tangent about my love of baking, love for learning, and love of my friends as well as my future husband. I was able to gush for hours about the things that make me lose my head with passion, and it got me thinking.
    In academia we are forced to pigeon hole ourselves into one specific field. We have to choose something to specialize in and focus our studies on that one thing. Why is that? Why do we have to decide on just one thing to learn everything about, even if it is permissible to continue learning in a peripheral way about other things? What's wrong with wanting to know everything that there is to know about, well, everything?
    I understand this concept of a Jack of all trades but a master of none. I recognize that it is more desirable to have a specialty. I recognize the benefits of these things, but I also think there is a benefit in continuing to learn about everything, isn't there? How can you know that you've found the thing that will entertain you forever if you haven't found everything? Basically, why would you ever want to stop learning if it means that you might miss out on something that could be your one true passion?
    I'm sure that my reluctance to stop learning has to do with the fact that, while I find myself passionate about everything, no one topic rises above and beyond the rest. I love psychology, and every time I learn something new I find it incredibly interesting. I haven't found something that makes me want to stop learning to focus on one area. Perhaps it will come one day, but I simply haven't found it yet. I have a passion for my field, I love my work, and I love everything about it.


Sure, I don't have everything figured out just yet, but it'll get there!!

So this is Christmas.

    Anyone who knows me knows that Christmas is one of my favorite holidays. I love cards and presents, I love helping make other people happy, and I love having my family together. At this age I don't want for much, so receiving gifts is even more exciting because I never know what creative and wonderful things my loved ones will find for me. It is a magical and wonderful time for me, and I only hope to spread that feeling with everyone else.
    Needless to say, I can't help reflecting back on years passed and the way that thing used to be. Last year was the first that Chris got to spend with us, making it special and the first of many, creating an addition to our traditions that I can't imagine changing. Last year we also had that individual that I hold many unfavorable feelings towards in our home, trying to allow her to feel like she was part of the family, and having the gesture thrown back in our faces while she went all over the state, disregarding the care that had been given to her and being selfish beyond belief. It was the beginning of my life with Chris, and the end of my life with her. It was interesting to say the least, and as much as I wish I hadn't wasted time and love on an ungrateful bitch I wouldn't change any of it for the world.
    Things happen for a reason, and people come and go. The greatest gift we can give one another is our love and affection, and those things are abundant in my life. I am blessed with a family that is healthy and happy, pets that bring joy through their constant silliness, and a comfortable home that radiates love and happiness. Sure, I have trouble now and again just like everyone else, but I have a support system that helps me at every turn.
    A while ago I was feeling like I had a void in the area of friendship, but even that has been filled. A lady that I find engaging, fun, and super attractive is moving into the city so I hope I will finally be able to actually go and see her, enjoying music and laughter as well as the companionship of a female, which is difficult for me. I don't trust bitches. In addition, I've acquired a friend of the opposite gender that genuinely doesn't base our friendship on the idea of eventually having sex with me (a novel concept for men) and also respects the sanctity of my relationship. Sure, I can't be close to my seven hundred and something friends on facebook, but I am perfectly happy with the ones I do have.
   One more piece of this extended family that I'm gaining is Chris's wonderful family and friends. They are wonderful to him, and that means the world to me. When you truly love someone, you are forced to love the people close to them, and I'm glad that the people that have joined my life through Chris are so good and loving. While he was away I was even able to turn to his friends for council and support. I suppose they happen to be new friends too.
    All in all I would say that this year has helped me to grow and develop. I've gone through periods of complete depression, loss of faith in humanity, achieving my masters degree, getting engaged, realizing that no matter how much you give to people they will always want more (and some people just aren't worth it), deciding that I never want to have friends that I would try to count on again, terminating that decision, learning how to accept the help of others, seeing one of the people I hold most dear marry the love of her life, beginning a career, and growing more confident in myself and my decisions. I couldn't have done any of this without the people I love, and I'm glad that I've got such phenomenal people to help me through the process, whether their part has been keeping me grounded, boosting me up, or simply being someone to lean on.

This last year has helped me realize that I am lucky, blessed and determined. Regardless of where I go from here, I know that it will be in the right direction so long as I have the world I've worked so hard to create around me.

Strangers on a Train

             Hitchcock made brilliant films from start to finish. From his work in the silent genre to more vocally expressive works later in his career he was always able to figure out what it was that frightened us. As we know, we are today afraid of the same things we were once afraid of. The underlying tones of what frightens humanity don’t change. We will always be frightened of some basic themes, these will be things that we will never get over as a species.

            Hitchcock’s history aside, I was thinking about his wonderful film, Strangers on a Train, if for no other reason than I am taking an incredibly long train ride. Philadelphia to Atlanta is no joke, and neither is the 16 hours that I’m not even half way through…. It gets me thinking though, just about strangers on a train.

            We all boarded as strangers. Nobody knew anyone with the exception that some people traveled together. Everyone sits in a seat, often paired up with someone that they have never even met, and we’re expected to be just fine with the whole thing. Close quarters with people that we have no idea about whatsoever. Then again, the real strangers may not be those people around us, but the people in our seats. The people that packed out bags, put on our clothes, and go through life in our bodies.

            How many of us really know ourselves? Some people never find themselves presented with this problem and assume that they know themselves just fine. I firmly believe that if you never examine yourself for who you are and who you want to be you cannot truly be a complete person.

            When do we stop being strangers to ourselves? We aren’t born knowing ourselves at all, we grow into an understanding of who we are in terms of what we like or dislike, how we look, where we belong… Then we grow into adults with preferences of what we want to be rather than what we are, We again become strangers to ourselves in that we know what we want to be and can’t quite make it happen yet. Our ideal is incongruent with our current selves and we are uncomfortable with it. We struggle to make the two the same, by changing ourselves or the ideal that we’ve developed. If we can’t do that we remain strangers to ourselves.

            There are a million different ways to find yourself as a stranger. We come into this world in this condition, we grow into it again later, and most likely many times after that. If at any point you look at your situation and wonder how you got there, or who acts like this, you’ve probably developed into just another stranger on a train.

Christmas Cards

    So lately I've been working on my Christmas cards. (If you want to get a little Christmas [or plain holiday] joy in the mail email me, facebook me, text, whatever... your address and I'll make sure you get some love too.) Looking at the cards I'm sending out really made me notice how much has changed in a year. I know I have a tendency to focus on the negatives, the things I've lost and the things I'm unhappy with, but change can be a global thing and in this case it is. Sometimes when things change so drastically we like to say that we've stayed the same, it's just the people around us who have changed. This time I'm proud to say that it's me that's changed, and I'm glad for it.
    This year I'm sending out a lot more cards, trying to spread a lot of joy and remind people I care about that I'm still here. Two people have been struck from the list and my life, two of the people that this time last year I considered to be two of my very best friends. These two people were in my life for years and now are no longer welcome in any way. They are now the type of people that I wouldn't even wave to if I saw them. They are people that I had extremely unbalanced relationships with, relationships where I gave them everything I had and got very little in return. Of course true friendship isn't about what you can get from others... but in retrospect I find it really painful to see the lack of respect that they held for me when I was doing everything I could to treat them well. Even with this realization, it hurts to know that these relationships that I invested so much time into are over and gone. This feeling makes me have to really look at myself and try to figure out why I would miss people that didn't treat me well and only made me feel worse about myself, while alienating people that could make me happy. While I try to figure all of that out I recognize that I have changed. I've grown to a point where I can see past the facade that other people put out of being a "friend" while they are really just using you for their own benefit. Granted, it adds to my trust issues and causes me to question the motivation of most people in my world, but I feel like I'll be protecting myself in the long run.
    Last year I was still in school. I was working towards an accomplishment that, while I didn't see how big of a deal it was, only 7.62% of people in the United States over the age of 25 have accomplished. This figure ranges from 6-8% of people overall depending on where you get the statistic, so I picked one on the high end. Master's degrees aren't easy to accomplish. I recognize now how big of a deal it is, and how it makes me far more marketable. I'm really lucky that I can do good work and really help people in need. Granted my field is not one that makes seriously huge amounts of money, but I can work flexibly and pay my bills, and when I go home at night I know that I'm doing something, even if it is something small, to make the world a better place. In addition, I have the luxury of being able to move if I need to, and still be able to make a living. I've got a great job that I love right now, and I am looking for an even better one, just because I can.
    One year ago I was preparing for an interesting Christmas, opening my home to people that had nowhere else to go and no other families that they could spend it with. I let these people act as members of my family and gave them all of the love and appreciation I give to my own family. Now I've cut one of those people out completely, and am preparing to bring the other home because we are starting a family of our own. That isn't to say I'm pregnant, just to clarify, but rather that this person will be in my life forever and every Christmas will be spent with him.
    I've changed a lot in a year. I've made concious choices about my life and what I deserve, let people that weren't worth it go, taken a stand on the harassment some people feel is appropriate, started a career, said "yes" to a marriage proposal, recognized what is truly important, and grown as a person. I'm proud of everything I've done in the past year and I'm excited for what I may get to do in the next year. I've never been a new years resolution person because I don't think you should need a new year to make changes. The kind of person I am, however, is a loving, caring daughter and fiance, a dedicated mental health professional, and an ambitious student. I am the kind of person who may take things hard because I dedicate myself 100% to the things that matter to me. I give more than I expect to get, and I want to make a difference. I'm looking at life closer now so that I can see what I need to do to continue to be the person I want to be. No matter what happens I will make decisions I can live with, and I most certainly will not have regrets.

Live, laugh, love. Give yourself to the world. Don't be afraid to get hurt. Keep people who love you closer than anyone else. This is what I've found makes daily life most enjoyable. Hopefully whatever you're doing works for you.

<3
   

Almost a whole month??

I'm slacking with these posts, so I apologize... but only a little bit. I've been busy as all hell, so somehow I think you'll all survive.

Quick note: some ridiculous people are still getting to this blog from Google. Seriously? Seriously? This is insane. But, alas some people don't have busy adult lives like some of us. I suppose if it makes them happy then so be it, although it is really sad that some people can't move the hell on and get on with their own lives. Sometimes I pity these people, especially the specific ones we know I can't stand, but in reality it is of no concern of mine. Some people find this blog helpful, other people are sadly obsessed, either way it brings readers and I don't mind that one bit. On to the blog!


    Lately things have been interesting. Sometimes tough, sometimes rewarding, sometimes confusing, but always interesting.
    First things first, I'm still working at my job. I have rewarding work with clients that I'll admit I've grown fond of, and I see their progress. I love making a difference in these clients lives. They are just children and they deserve to have a chance at a normal life, so I hope my work can give them that. This job is certainly not where I expected to end up, and sure I look for better work with better money and more of a focus on my specialties but for the time being I feel rewarded. It's a special thing to have truly rewarding work.
    Another thing to touch on, my darling husband to be is away from me, although now it won't be for much longer. His truly wonderful heart came out again, pulling him away from me and to Georgia to help his family when they needed him. About three weeks ago we packed up our apartment (that's a long story of course and there's a lot involved in it, so we can save the details for another time) and I moved back into my mother's home. We weren't sure at the time how long he would have to spend away, so our parting was especially dramatic. I accepted that I would have to be alone for a while, and as tragic as it was it made me realize once again that Chris is going to be the most amazing husband. The fact that he would give up the life he's been working so hard to build to help his family, after making sure to leave me in capable hands (he was so sweet and asked my mother if she would have me move back in and look after me while he was gone, keeping me healthy and safe until he could get home to me) shows his dedication to family. I know that one day I will have to do something similar for either my mother or my sister, and I know he will be by my side when I've got to make these changes.
    It has not been easy to be without the love of my life. We had been doing so well, playing house and building our life together. We'd been dealing with the rough things and enjoying the fun things... practicing for married life and doing the best we could. If I can say so, I think we were doing really well actually. To have all of that ripped away in a matter of days (literally 3 days from the phone call saying he was needed until he left) was traumatic and it still is. I've been doing my job the best I can and trying to do my best at work, which has apparently been quite good according to my review. Even with everything it's been hard. You don't realize how much you do with a person until they are not around. You can't understand how much you take for granted. It's hard to appreciate what a difference it makes in your life to sleep next to someone, making you feel safe and warm, comforted and special every time you roll over, every night, until they are gone. I know he'll be back, and we've even got the date set for it, but it's still hard to be apart. I love Chris with all of my heart, and every day we are apart it becomes more and more evident to me.
    A while ago a person (mind you this person is not a reliable source of anything, nor are they very intelligent so this should be taken with a grain of salt) told me that she had read something somewhere that stated that after an amount of time together, people in love experience a change in their neurochemistry. Now, I've never claimed to be a neurochemist and don't know too much about it. This girl claimed that after a while those in love experience a change in there physiology, to make them more compatible with the person that they love. Somewhat similar to how women that spend a lot of time together sync up on their menstrual cycles. This change makes the lovers enjoy the same things, from foods to music, essentially ensuring that they will remain compatible.
    This idea of changes makes sense, and also makes sense as to how being apart can be so hard. When you are so in tune with another person that you literally share neurological links losing the physical presence of that person can cause pain and anguish like nothing else. It really can feel like you are missing a part of you. Or, maybe, it's simply true love.

    Enough of that mush though. A very happy Thanksgiving to all of you. For anyone interested in what my life will be looking like for the next little while, it will be exciting. Finishing my Christmas shopping, seeing some doctors, and visiting Georgia to meet my future in-laws and come home with my future husband. That will about wrap up my year... and I'll be perfectly pleased to have it that way.


Things happen every day, and sometimes we can't quite figure out why they do. We mourn our losses and try to understand, but in the end the most important thing is that we use each situation to learn and grow from. Without personal growth we aren't accomplishing anything at all.