(Hopefully) The true end to a chapter.

    Today I had the conversation with LCCWB that I intend to be the last. She's "ready to bury the hatchet" but she "just doesn't know if we can be friends" after what I did. It's laughable to a point, in several ways. One being that I'm really uncertain if she understands half the words and phrases she uses, such as 'accepting apologies' and 'forgive.' These are things she can say, but obviously doesn't know how to do.
    As obviously painful as it is to watch an era end, and knowing full well that with LCCWB it won't be the complete end (as soon as she needs something I have she'll be back to trying to be best friends and acting like nothing ever happened), I'm genuinely glad. It's unfortunate, especially after I put my pride to the side and was willing to forgive her offenses just to preserve a friendship and she wasn't, but it's good for me, my fiance and my family... both the one I have now and the one Chris and I will have in the future. Friends take risks on one another all the time, we gamble by trusting other human beings, and a gamble on LCCWB has never payed off. I hate gambling with money, but for some reason I've continued to gamble with more important things such as my health and happiness, betting on her and losing every time.
    I've thought about what Georgie boy said (we all know I give things too much thought): "in two years LCCWB and frends will be living much better lives and be a hell of a lot happier than you could ever dream of being." And in regard to that, in the past few days, the ones where I've made my decision on her before hearing her's on me, I've been happier than I ever thought I could be. I always thought that the things dragging me down were the men I chose, the work I do, the anxiety disorder I have, etc. etc. Now I believe that I was being dragged down by the company I chose to keep. Like I said in the last post, we may not have a thousand best friends, but Chris and I are in the process of surrounding ourselves with people we can really trust and turn to, no matter what. People that are understanding and phenomenal, who can provide reciprocal relationships, never putting us in the awkward position of giving until we're uncomfortable with nothing in return, and never disrespecting us or our families.
    The bliss that comes from having a truly supportive partnership is something that I'm fairly certain only people who have one can understand. Even after a tiny (and drunken) tiff last night, I fell asleep in the arms of someone that I know I'll always have to turn to. He supports what I want to do, going so far as to work 2 and sometimes even 3 jobs so I can do my research and choose my doctoral program carefully while going to school himself. I try my best to be a good housewife in training (since I can't consider research or education as a career unless they pay the bills) and he continues to work his ass off to make sure our ends meet. We have an understanding that surpasses spoken conversation, and he knows that if our roles were reversed I'd do whatever it took to support his passion. That silly boy actually believes I'm sacrificing by being supportive about the long hours he'll have in medical school. I've got him fooled!! The least I can do at this point is pack a lunch and stay up late for him to get home from school and work.
   I'm so glad this chapter of drama is over, so now I just have to worry about the normal stuff, like if my 4 bridesmaids (who don't know for sure who they are yet, and I'm fairly certain at least 1 has NO idea whatsoever) don't like their dresses, and if everything can be fit into a vision that somehow involves star wars (my nerd of a husband to be!). After the past 3 weeks (precisely one day after we got engaged, the day the drama started with LCCWB) I'm pretty sure we can handle anything, especially if we take it on together.


To take from Ann Frank, "Despite all that has happened, I still believe people are good at heart." Unfortunately hearts don't always show at the surface.

Here's your kittens, angry people!